Has anyone gotten an apology from the AP?

[losingmyground]

What would an apology do?

 

It would mean that they accepted their responsibility in the affair and realized that they hurt at least one other person.

 

Would it be beneficial?

 

If it was said with true sincerity, then yes it would.

[NotCamelot]

What would an apology do? Would it be beneficial?

 

I would at least like the AP to acknowledge that I was hurt....that it was more than just my WS and the AP that was involved. Just the verbal expression to show that, "I am sorry I caused you pain."

 

Would it mean anything? I can't say.....but at least hearing that and knowing the he admits that they hurt me and he is partly responsible would give me closure as far as the AP is concerned. Until that happens, I can't see letting that part of it go.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I should have mentioned that it did give me some closure to get the apology from OMM. Of course to heal I needed a lot more than that...but it was something.

[Decimated]

I would at least like the AP to acknowledge that I was hurt....that it was more than just my WS and the AP that was involved. Just the verbal expression to show that, "I am sorry I caused you pain."

 

I guess this is what I was really looking for. Would it have helped...I really don't know, and never will.

[freestyle]

I certainly don't expect an apology, in my sitch---but the acknowledgment & ownership of contributing to my pain could be healing for me.Possibly........

 

I'd just as soon never see that woman again for the rest of my life, she tried to play some ugly head games with me, from the get-go. She was an old friend of my SO's--so I went out of my way to be friendly with her, right off the bat. So I was blindsided, when she started the head games, it was junior-high type stuff (and I'd forgotten about those kind of games--so I was caught off guard.)

 

 

Not only did she try to play him & me against each other, she also was smear campaigning me behind my back. The best apology she could give me is to stay far, far away.

[BetrayedH]

Your WW is gone because you no longer can trust her.

 

Your BF banged your WW repeatedly and you keep him as a friend.

 

Was it because he apologized many times?

 

How many times?

 

Did he give an apology for every time he banged your WW?

 

Good god, how can you keep that POSOM in your life after he betrayed you in the worse way?

 

Did he convince you that is was all an accident?

 

That he kept tripping and he kept repeatedly falling into your WW pussy?

 

Or you just keeping him around so he can bang your next wife or GF?

 

This seemed a little over the top to me.

 

SoMovinOn, for what it's worth, I applaud your ability to extend forgiveness to someone who apologized and who you apparently felt expressed remorse. I'm not sure I could have done it but if your worst fault is forgiving someone who asked for forgiveness, you're ok in my book.

[Ninja'sHusband]

One more thought. I never demanded an apology from the OM. This might be one reason I got it. I don't believe I ever attacked him.

[frozensprouts]

this made me go back through my archived facebook messages and review one she'd sent me ( this was after i'd sent her one telling her i didn't hate her, but she needed to take responsibility for her actions, and that i hoped she'd have a happy life...the syntax is weird)

 

You know how I really walked out and maybe you don't want to know but at first I just wanted to become your friend too. Don't worry because I am not shameless enough to ask you do this but saying it to explain how the life is often strange and uninteligible. Hopefully then all of that will bring the best for you now. I guess that could be.

 

Iam sorry for the pains you got and thinking you will get better time.

maybe you will happy to read then Iwas beginning to get really bad time too in several domanes of my life to loosing my head that way...

 

Iam really please your are wishing for me and of course its not a choice for me to stop it for all of your famiily and than I feel relieved to let you get back your life and hopefully untill I am getting far away you will collect the best for you .

 

I really think you are lucky to have a nice family like you are and you must be already worked a lot to keep well , so thank you very much to wich me one for me.

I send you back that nice thought wanted you find happiness than you deserve all of you.

God bless your family

 

 

( cut and paste out the identifying and really weird parts

[BetrayedH]

this made me go back through my archived facebook messages and review one she'd sent me ( this was after i'd sent her one telling her i didn't hate her, but she needed to take responsibility for her actions, and that i hoped she'd have a happy life...the syntax is weird)

 

You know how I really walked out and maybe you don't want to know but at first I just wanted to become your friend too. Don't worry because I am not shameless enough to ask you do this but saying it to explain how the life is often strange and uninteligible. Hopefully then all of that will bring the best for you now. I guess that could be.

 

Iam sorry for the pains you got and thinking you will get better time.

maybe you will happy to read then Iwas beginning to get really bad time too in several domanes of my life to loosing my head that way...

 

Iam really please your are wishing for me and of course its not a choice for me to stop it for all of your famiily and than I feel relieved to let you get back your life and hopefully untill I am getting far away you will collect the best for you .

 

I really think you are lucky to have a nice family like you are and you must be already worked a lot to keep well , so thank you very much to wich me one for me.

I send you back that nice thought wanted you find happiness than you deserve all of you.

God bless your family

 

 

( cut and paste out the identifying and really weird parts

 

Whoa. And you had a problem extricating her too, right? Geas. Weird syntax is the least of what was weird there.

[SoMovinOn]

Your BF banged your WW repeatedly and you keep him as a friend.

Was it because he apologized many times?

 

W was going to do what she was going to do, regardless if he got involved or not. She did pretty much run through the list of all the single guys we knew. Tried them all at least once.

 

What he did didn't change anything about her, or our M. It was over either way.

 

What you seem to be missing is how much me hanging around him bothers him, reminds him constantly.

[SoMovinOn]

This seemed a little over the top to me.

 

I don't know Road. Might be a BS, might be a recent BS. I expect some people's responses might contain some of the hurt they are feeling and experiencing.

 

I am so over my W, so over her A's. I don't expect everyone to be able to understand that.

 

SoMovinOn, for what it's worth, I applaud your ability to extend forgiveness to someone who apologized and who you apparently felt expressed remorse. I'm not sure I could have done it but if your worst fault is forgiving someone who asked for forgiveness, you're ok in my book.

 

Part of it is that he and I have been friends for far longer than I've even known her. Certainly, everything with he and I is not the same as it was. Things were lost, but, there are reasons why we've been friends this long, and many of those good things still exist.

[beenburned]

No, I have never gotten apologies from any of my H's OW. They were all young, immature, and single, therefore probably didn't think they were doing anything wrong since they were not married.

 

I do hope they all grew up, got married, had kids, houses, cars, 401Ks, etc.

And just maybe, they now look back on their past actions very differently!

[redtail]

No, I never got an apology from the the OMM nor did I expect one. In my opinion, he most likely did not and does not see what he did as wrong, if he had a moral compass, he would not have sh** on me and his wife in the first place.

 

However, I've been divorced and have since remarried and haven't been in contact with my ex wife for a number of years. A few months back I got this on FB;

 

"I'm sorry. I've been trying to find a way to say this to you for years, but the message kept getting muddled with preamble and postscript.

 

I'm sorry for the way I care-lessly and un-compassionately treated you and our marriage those last few years.

 

Love, (exwife)"

 

Personally, I feel that was better than one from him.

[frozensprouts]

Whoa. And you had a problem extricating her too, right? Geas. Weird syntax is the least of what was weird there.

 

this was a letter from the very beginning of her ( unwanted) interaction with me...seems she had found religion at the time...didn't last though

[Ninja'sHusband]

No, I have never gotten apologies from any of my H's OW. They were all young, immature, and single, therefore probably didn't think they were doing anything wrong since they were not married.

 

I do hope they all grew up, got married, had kids, houses, cars, 401Ks, etc.

And just maybe, they now look back on their past actions very differently!

 

 

Ahhh, this might be another reason I got an apology from OM. He was married with kids, very long term relationship he was risking there...make that plural since he risked two marriages, one of which didn't survive. So destructive...sigh.

[half_ofa_heart]

I am a FOW who never had a D-Day and the A is OVER! I have written SEVERAL apology letters to the BW... i just haven't sent them. I beat myself up almost daily for what I have done to her (even though she has no idea) but sometimes it helps ME to write them.

 

I felt remorse the day the A started but I continued for over 2 years so i guess some would say that I wasn't remorseful. I know that I was and am truly sorry but in the event she ever were to find out... I am sure that my remorse and apologies wouldn't make her feel better. Nothing I did at that moment could.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I know that I was and am truly sorry but in the event she ever were to find out... I am sure that my remorse and apologies wouldn't make her feel better. Nothing I did at that moment could.

 

It wouldn't make her feel better in the sense of "all better" but it would help a little. I speak from experience.

[Sadwife37]

I truly hope my OW feels remorse like you described. She has gotten off very easy for her role in my H affair. I have confirmed NC as much as possible and there was no time after D day when my H said he wanted to or did go to her. I chose not to tell her H. I still struggle greatly with this, but believe that is the best and safest choice for me and my family.

 

I have sent her 3 emails. The first was ferocious. Not in any way nice . I did not request a response. It was sent on D day to say I discovered the A and it was OVER. I told her what I thought of her and what would happen if she went near my H again.

 

The second was a little calmer. Not as much name calling. The purpose was to tell her I have chosen not to show up at her home but that could change at any time. Reconciliation had not happened yet and I really had no idea if my H was being honest with me about anything. I still did not request a response from her.

 

The third email was after we were attempting reconcilleation. It was calm and had no name calling or threats. I told her my H says he regretted the A and that it was his biggest regret and disappointment. He said there had been NC since D day. I asked her to tell me if this was true. It was lengthy but I asked her to tell me if they were still seeing each other or if they loved each other. I told her that me and my kids were going to be fine. I was strong and okay, but needed to know if it was time for me to move on from my Marriage. That if they were together, I deserved to know so I could put that part of my life behind me. I told her whatever she said, I still wouldn't te her H. I asked her to at least give me this much.

 

She responded. Her email was this - " I have not seen or talked to him since, and I do not intend to. I am focusing on my kids and keeping them happy and safe. I believe (H) loves you and I hope you are able to give it a second chance. This was a horrible lapse in judgement with devastating results. I truly wish I could change it and I am sorry for your heartbreak.".

 

I cried for two days. But I really needed to get that response. I hope she means it. I hope my H means it. Her appology helped me start the reconciliation process. Everyday is still a tremendous struggle with optimistic highs and depressing lows. I am trying to have faith in NC and our future instead of living in the past. Easier said than done as many of you know.

[BetrayedH]

I am a FOW who never had a D-Day and the A is OVER! I have written SEVERAL apology letters to the BW... i just haven't sent them. I beat myself up almost daily for what I have done to her (even though she has no idea) but sometimes it helps ME to write them.

 

I felt remorse the day the A started but I continued for over 2 years so i guess some would say that I wasn't remorseful. I know that I was and am truly sorry but in the event she ever were to find out... I am sure that my remorse and apologies wouldn't make her feel better. Nothing I did at that moment could.

 

I hope at some point you find the strength to send one of those letters. She deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about how she spends the rest of her life and she deserves that apology from you.

 

I also think it would do you some good to be able to start to forgive yourself and put it in the past. People make mistakes, sometimes devastating ones. The key is trying to correct them. I think once you do, you'll be able to move forward in your life.

 

Good luck to you.

[waterwoman]

I'd like an apology. She was someone I tried to befriend and support as her life was hard. She came to my husband's 50th birthday party and made a big fuss about leaving her abusive husband - everyone rallied round and encouraged her. I even gave her a hug and offered her a bed for the night if she needed one. What an idiot .

 

She told me husband she liked me.

 

He told her he loved me and would never leave.

 

But she still made strenuous efforts to get him to make some committment to her and leave his marriage.

 

So yes, a quick 'sorry I hurt you' would be appreciated.

[half_ofa_heart]

I hope at some point you find the strength to send one of those letters. She deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about how she spends the rest of her life and she deserves that apology from you.

 

I also think it would do you some good to be able to start to forgive yourself and put it in the past. People make mistakes, sometimes devastating ones. The key is trying to correct them. I think once you do, you'll be able to move forward in your life.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks. I have been in IC for about a year working on trying to forgive myself. I too am living a lie and sometimes feel like the relief of having it exposed would help ME in my journey but I just can't do that to her as I feel I've been selfish enough.

 

She and MM seem to be doing well. If I knew for certain that telling her would make her life better... I would tell, I'm just not sure it would do anything but hurt her just when things are going well for her.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I would tell, I'm just not sure it would do anything but hurt her just when things are going well for her.

 

Maybe the only reason things are "going well for her" is because she is being bamboozled by her cheating husband.

 

If you don't want to tell her, fine. But don't say it's because you don't want to hurt her. That train has already left the station.

[road]

Thanks. I have been in IC for about a year working on trying to forgive myself. I too am living a lie and sometimes feel like the relief of having it exposed would help ME in my journey but I just can't do that to her as I feel I've been selfish enough.

 

She and MM seem to be doing well. If I knew for certain that telling her would make her life better... I would tell, I'm just not sure it would do anything but hurt her just when things are going well for her.

 

 

Until her WH cheats again. He needs to face consequences for his actions. BW needs to have her eyes opened to make sure he doesn't have any more affairs.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks. I have been in IC for about a year working on trying to forgive myself. I too am living a lie and sometimes feel like the relief of having it exposed would help ME in my journey but I just can't do that to her as I feel I've been selfish enough.

 

She and MM seem to be doing well. If I knew for certain that telling her would make her life better... I would tell, I'm just not sure it would do anything but hurt her just when things are going well for her.

 

I have to say that I agree with the other posters in that she has already been hurt. She has a knife in her back that she doesn't know about because the H has slipped her some painkillers.

 

If the h has avoided consequences, it makes it all so much easier for him to do it again.

 

Perhaps a change in perspective would help. Rather than thinking of the exposure as hurting her, think of it as helping to prevent her from wasting the one life she has. Right now she unwittingly has her husband up on a pedestal and has dedicated her life to him (regardless of how bad things may be in her marriage) and she only has one life to live. Someone should finally have enough respect for HER to let HER make HER OWN informed decision about what SHE wants to do with HER life. It is so hard for me to understand how other people (usually those that have demonstrated horrendous judgement) feel entitled to make a decision for someone else. Why does SHE not get to decide? She may be the only person in this scenario with good judgment but her right to decide is the one that is taken away. I am not trying to be harsh (I do believe that you legitimately wrestle with this); I'm just trying to give you another perspective. Her life "may" be happy right now but it is a lie. She doesn't deserve to live a lie with him at the center of her universe and MM doesn't deserve to have his lies hidden.

 

Regardless of what you choose, again, I hope you can forgive yourself as you really seemed to have learned from your mistakes. I just think it starts with giving her the truth and asking her forgiveness. I think that would do a lot for you and for her.

Edited August 31, 2012 by BetrayedH

[j'adore]

I am an OW and my love affair was NOTHING TO do with BS. i DO NOT owe her an apology as i thought she knew and just did not care. HER H owes her an apology. My involvement is nothing to do with how i felt about her at all. I actually like her. I just think I could never be her in her situation. She has no intimacy with her H, I know that, do not doubt it. I am angry that i got myself in to this situation but i would not apologise for something I do not do intentionally. It is her H's fault NOT MINE. And her fault for not seeing or wanting to see what was happening. And apparently still this continues after d dAY. He told me!!!!