Has anyone gotten an apology from the AP?

[NotCamelot]

I would. But beware you will have to do it more than once because the pain will resurface bringing with it anger. It might happen on a daily basis or every few months. What do you truly feel? Is it clear yet?

 

No, it's not clear yet. I don't know that I am ready to offer the forgiveness. And I don't know that it will help me.....though I am sure it will help him..why else would he ask.

 

Since starting this thread I have read a lot where apologies were gotten. But did anyone get the request for forgiveness like I just got?

[freestyle]

I did get the apology this morning. In a really long email. He answered a few things, very few actually. But, several times tells me he regrets what he did to me.

 

"Anyway I do regret the pain this has caused you. And I am sorry for what I have done."

 

"I am sorry for what I have done and ask for your forgiveness."

 

And now that I have this, I don't know that I care. It makes me feel like he wants me to make him feel better. I don't think he deserves it.

 

I know that forgiveness is more the forgiver. So do I offer forgiveness, relieving him, for me?

 

 

Forgiveness is more about not holding on to the anger, to the point of where it becomes all-consuming. But the anger needs to be acknowledged,felt, validated, and experienced first.

 

As far as I'm concerned, the party who has committed the offense doesn't even need to be told about it, if the offense is grievous enough. It IS more for the injured party.

 

Also, I believe it needs to happen of its own accord--trying to rush forgiveness can backfire, if the painful emotions aren't fully processed, and experienced first. Pressuring the injured party to forgive can end up adding a layer of resentment.

[Ninja'sHusband]

No, it's not clear yet. I don't know that I am ready to offer the forgiveness. And I don't know that it will help me.....though I am sure it will help him..why else would he ask.

 

Since starting this thread I have read a lot where apologies were gotten. But did anyone get the request for forgiveness like I just got?

Wow glad that you got the apology

 

But, no mine didn't ask for forgiveness, only offered the apology, his thing was to ask me to keep his secret..which I most certainly didn't do.

 

I think a big think about forgiveness is to make sure it's not really "enabling" with the wrong name. Is he worthy of forgiving? What has he done\not done to earn that?

[Snowflower]

Back to the thread topic, no I never got an apology from the OW. I didn't expect/want one either. As long as she stayed away from us, that was all the "apology" I needed.

 

And she did stay away and I gave her some credit for that. But, she went on a fishing expedition lately (after nearly 4 years) so she lost any credibility that she had. Seriously, I don't understand how messed up someone has to be to come sniffing around after that long.

 

It's probably a topic for another thread.

[j'adore]

It is NOT the BS' fault for trusting their spouse. That is the #1 reason affairs often continue so long without being caught. It's not because the BS is stupid or doesn't care it's because they *love* and *trust* the WS.

 

And like has already been pointed out, WSs lie. Mine certainly did, to *everyone* involved, yes that means you were lied to. You have no idea what intimacy they had. He lied to her about you, what makes you think it wouldn't go in reverse. You were just the thing on the side.

 

You can't apologize for something you didn't do intentionally? So if you accidentally killed someone in your car, you wouldn't apologize to their family, or to them if you only maimed them? What you did is equally as bad as running someone over in a car and maiming them.

And when you found out he was married...the continuation wasn't deliberate?

Your analogy is utterly ridiculous. I did apologise to his children but it is MM who needs to apologise to her. "You were just a thing on the side". Yeah right whatever (SIGH) An apology would mean nothing and would make no difference she will still hate me.

 

And as for another poster, ringing someone up after a year despite MM having numerous affairs, that is just self inflicted after that much martyrdom..... you should have left him it was obvious your marriage was over.

 

Trying to lose someone their job too. WOW that's bitter.

[Owl]

Trying to lose someone their job too. WOW that's bitter.

 

Be careful with the judgements. Comments like this can be thrown all kinds of directions.

[Ninja'sHusband]

j'adore, so are you saying that sometimes you should apologize for "accidents" and sometimes you shouldn't? Where's the line? How do you know which accidents to apologize for and which one's don't require anything?

 

You didn't answer my other question either, would you apologize to someone or their family if you hit them with a car? I don't really get how different it is. Actually you are right, it's ridiculous analogy, the body can heal from a car wreck. The kind of damage infidelity causes can last forever and harms the soul. If someone dies in a car wreck at least they can be at peace. Infidelity is actually much worse.

 

 

And reflecting on it more. Yes, I would have rather been hit by a car than have my wife cheat on me. That's actually an easy question to answer. The pain would have been much less.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Silly_Girl]

And you helped another man do that to another woman. I don't believe anyone who says they were devastated as a BS if they go on to do it to someone else. It is disingenuous.

 

It can be true even if you find it hard to believe.

[mercy]

I did get the apology this morning. In a really long email. He answered a few things, very few actually. But, several times tells me he regrets what he did to me.

 

"Anyway I do regret the pain this has caused you. And I am sorry for what I have done."

 

"I am sorry for what I have done and ask for your forgiveness."

 

And now that I have this, I don't know that I care. It makes me feel like he wants me to make him feel better. I don't think he deserves it.

 

I know that forgiveness is more the forgiver. So do I offer forgiveness, relieving him, for me?

 

This may not make sense but at least think about it, ok?

 

My h's counselor told him to never offer anything, not even forgiveness to the OW. It will open a door you don't want open. He told me the same. At first I didn't understand but it does open a can of worms. Continued contact. So, while you can go ahead and forgive him I wouldn't make it known to him. Let him forgive himself he doesn't need yours. Only your wife needs that. See what I mean?

[Ninja'sHusband]

An apology would mean nothing and would make no difference she will still hate me.

 

This wasn't true for me when OMM apologized to me. It did mean something and I told him so. I never did hate him, I hate what he did...maybe if he had been unapologetic *I would* hate him.

[freestyle]

This wasn't true for me when OMM apologized to me. It did mean something and I told him so. I never did hate him' date=' I hate what he did...maybe if he had been unapologetic *[i']I would[/i]* hate him.

 

I'm inclined to agree with this---a sincere expression of remorse for contributing to the BS's pain CAN help in some cases. It shows accountability, and acknowledgment, which is a lot better than feeling like the AP is indifferent, or worse yet, thumbing their nose at the BS. It HAS to be sincere, otherwise, it can be even MORE damaging.

[NotCamelot]

This may not make sense but at least think about it, ok?

 

My h's counselor told him to never offer anything, not even forgiveness to the OW. It will open a door you don't want open. He told me the same. At first I didn't understand but it does open a can of worms. Continued contact. So, while you can go ahead and forgive him I wouldn't make it known to him. Let him forgive himself he doesn't need yours. Only your wife needs that. See what I mean?

 

Yes, the continued contact is stringing the hurt out longer. As soon as I start feeling better, that a**hole contacts me, and, here we go again. Funny thing is he have not contacted my W since D-day. Confirmable.

 

The apology did indeed help me. Now, if he would just go away and die a slow painful death, I would then feel wonderful.............I know that is horrible, I'm sorry....but he hurt me too.

[mercy]

Yes, the continued contact is stringing the hurt out longer. As soon as I start feeling better, that a**hole contacts me, and, here we go again. Funny thing is he have not contacted my W since D-day. Confirmable.

 

The apology did indeed help me. Now, if he would just go away and die a slow painful death, I would then feel wonderful.............I know that is horrible, I'm sorry....but he hurt me too.

 

Make him go away. Tell him under no uncertain terms is he to contact you again or there will be legal consequences. And yes you can take legal action. Don't make threats, just promises. He is doing exactly what the counselor was talking about. Keeping contact. Through you to her. What an ass. Do something about it. Don't allow anything to come between you and your healing.

 

Does he only contact you through email? Can you block him? Does he email or contact you during the work day? His bosses would be interested in that. Head of the company? Right? If he's not paying rent, he gets no head space.

[mercy]

Yes, the continued contact is stringing the hurt out longer. As soon as I start feeling better, that a**hole contacts me, and, here we go again. Funny thing is he have not contacted my W since D-day. Confirmable.

 

The apology did indeed help me. Now, if he would just go away and die a slow painful death, I would then feel wonderful.............I know that is horrible, I'm sorry....but he hurt me too.

 

Another thing. Please don't feel you have to apologize for your feelings. You're just expressing them, you aren't acting on them. It's really ok.

[Spark1111]

I'm inclined to agree with this---a sincere expression of remorse for contributing to the BS's pain CAN help in some cases. It shows accountability, and acknowledgment, which is a lot better than feeling like the AP is indifferent, or worse yet, thumbing their nose at the BS. It HAS to be sincere, otherwise, it can be even MORE damaging.

 

Great point!

In the triangle is the victim, rescuer, and villain, which usually become the BS unknowingly, during the affair.

 

I thought, initially, she must be something like me. However, when I was finally forced to confront her, she blamed him, blamed others and just hated me. Such a victim YEARS later.

 

So, what was the damage?

 

I thought, "For THAT you almost tossed us aside? That hateful, arrogant and contemptuous woman?"

 

While it drove home how delusional he really was, my respect, for even the choice of his affair partner, for him really plummeted.

 

Had he left me for THAT woman, it would have lasted three months and every dime he had.

 

She was NOTHING like me.

[j'adore]

Great point!

In the triangle is the victim, rescuer, and villain, which usually become the BS unknowingly, during the affair.

 

I thought, initially, she must be something like me. However, when I was finally forced to confront her, she blamed him, blamed others and just hated me. Such a victim YEARS later.

 

So, what was the damage?

 

I thought, "For THAT you almost tossed us aside? That hateful, arrogant and contemptuous woman?"

 

While it drove home how delusional he really was, my respect, for even the choice of his affair partner, for him really plummeted.

 

Had he left me for THAT woman, it would have lasted three months and every dime he had.

 

She was NOTHING like me.

 

Well Obviously you were never gonna like her, but what the hell did you stay married to him for as you obviously are still not getting over it. You alone are responsible for not being happy now and you speak of him with such disgust why waste your life and his

[Ninja'sHusband]

Well Obviously you were never gonna like her' date=' but what the hell did you stay married to him for as you obviously are still not getting over it. You alone are responsible for not being happy now and you speak of him with such disgust why waste your life and his[/quote']

 

I can't answer for Sparks, but I can speak for why I tried so hard to save my marriage.

 

1) I still loved her

2) I recognize that noone is perfect

3) I have a daughter and wanted to preserve my family

4) I meant my vows.

5) The plusses of staying outweighed the minuses.

 

In the end reasons #5 and then #1 went away(well it's by degrees, but lost a lot more love). I was worried about ending up fired from work I was so dysfunctional from mistrust and trying to get her to permanently end all contact with OMM.

[j'adore]

No i just read how she describes him now

[mercy]

No i just read how she describes him now

 

I read it as past tense.

[wanting more]

I have not sent an apology. Am I sorry for the hurt I caused her. YES. Do I understand how bad she is feeling? As best as I can I do take responsibility for my part in the A. I do feel bad and disgusted by myself for staying in the A. Am I hurting from this. Yes. Not nearly like she is. She's had 32 years with him. I've had a little over 3. But I am hurting because I was stupid enough to believe his lies. I've read over and over the emails and texts she's sent me. I think she believes or wants to believe his lies, that I was some crazy psycho temptress dangling my stuff in front of him and he was just weak and felt sorry for me. That's why he stayed with me. If I say I'm sorry for my part in the A does that mean I accept all the responsibility of the A. I know she's a smart woman, does she really believe he was the innocent one. will I send my apology, i don't know. I don't think she ever wants to hear from me again anyway.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I have not sent an apology. Am I sorry for the hurt I caused her. YES. Do I understand how bad she is feeling? As best as I can I do take responsibility for my part in the A. I do feel bad and disgusted by myself for staying in the A. Am I hurting from this. Yes. Not nearly like she is. She's had 32 years with him. I've had a little over 3. But I am hurting because I was stupid enough to believe his lies. I've read over and over the emails and texts she's sent me. I think she believes or wants to believe his lies, that I was some crazy psycho temptress dangling my stuff in front of him and he was just weak and felt sorry for me. That's why he stayed with me. If I say I'm sorry for my part in the A does that mean I accept all the responsibility of the A. I know she's a smart woman, does she really believe he was the innocent one. will I send my apology, i don't know. I don't think she ever wants to hear from me again anyway.

Just wanted to point out that when I got my apology from OMM, I was the one who initiated contact. Thinking about it though...if he had initiated contact solely to apologize and not whine about his own losses or blame me...I might have appreciated that and actually been impressed. A statement of intent from him would have been nice too, if he had promised to stay away from my wife and never put himself in contact again. sigh...would have been better for my wife to do that part though.

[j'adore]

As far as repenting goes, i do remember saying i am sorry that you have been lied to, I am not lying to you now. Is that good enough. I was (I know you will not believe me but here goes) seriously thinking she just accepted our relationship after so many pointers, but after reading stuff on here, I decided that we should all be made aware without any doubt, of what was going on in order that at least one of us would be happy in the end, and I rather knew it wouldn't be me.

Edited September 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ThatJustHappened]

This is something I have ben wondering lately.

 

There has been 100% verifiable NC since D-day between my W and OM.

 

And she has owned it, is paying for it, and apologized time and time again.

 

Call me crazy, but, after all that, I feel like the SOB OM should apologize to me! And, probably, most of all because he knew my W was married (as is he). I feel he owes me an apology because regardless of the reasons it happened, he knew she was my wife.

 

 

Does/has any other BS felt that way? Has anyone gotten the apology?

 

I got an apology, but my situation was much different.

 

My ex and this woman had been friends for about 10 years before he and I met and she was in love with him the whole time. He was stringing her along and manipulating her and making her believe they would end up together (we were together for 5 years and this continued the entire time, they started having sex again (they'd had casual sex before we met) about 3 years into my relationship with him..side note, I was 22 when we met, he was 37, and OW was 40 or 41). I didn't know any of this of course. Then she went bunny boiler and ended up in jail (but not before she had the chance to send me all the email/picture/video evidence of their relationship).

 

She was (and probably still is 3 years later) in court mandated therapy and invited me to one of her sessions. She apologized to me there and I believed her. Now I just feel sorry for her..she lost everything because my evil ex tortured her psychologically for 15 years. Her company, her friends, and her dignity.

 

It wasn't as satisfying for me because she was in such a bad place at that point that I couldn't hate her, I just couldn't. But I understand why you want it.

Edited September 15, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[William]

Moderation here. Cleaned up the scatology threadjack and few other things. If anyone has received an apology from the affair partner, please share that. Stage Two.