Gemini02 Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 Okay this is the sticky situation I'm in with my boyfriend and I'd like some advice or opinions from all types of people. This is really consuming our relationship. My boyfriend smokes pot and I don't. I was raised to believe that drugs are bad unless they're used for medicinal purposes. Now don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is a wonderful man and he has cut down smoking pot to a toke here and there or sharing a joint with a buddy once and awhile. Apparently he used to be pretty bad with how much he smoked before he met me. He isn't an addict, it's a recreational thing (like drinking once and awhile)- however it still bugs the hell out of me (to the point of calling him horrible things, threatening to break up and making him cry...). When I think of him doing it it just makes my stomach clench up and I feel really upset. Pot scares me because it's been drilled into my head that it's bad. When he does it, it scares me because it's like he's gonna be a different person then I know for awhile and remind me of all the people when I was in high school that smoked it and make me feel like a complete outsider. He has never been high around me, and promised that if ever one day we moved in together it wouldn't be in the house, if we tried to have kids he wouldn't smoke it at all, and when we had kids it wouldn't be in our home. But this still doesn't seem good enough to me. However breaking up is not an option- I want to fix this, not run away from it! There is no chance that he will stop doing it "once and awhile" as he says, and I don't wanna lose him because of this. So my questions are: How do I learn to deal with this? Should I try smoking pot with him to try to understand where he is coming from, and to get over my fear? Do you think I'm being too controlling? Has he changed enough that I should be satisfied? Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I don't think you should try to make him quit, but don't start just because he does it either. Pot is not that bad, I don't really even consider it a drug because it's natural. I have never heard of people committing crimes or abusing spouses on pot. It's the chemical drugs like crack, cocaine, etc that I would be worried about. My H and I both smoke it sometimes and really, it hasn't affected our home life. I do not do it around any children or people who do not like it. Personally, I would rather be around someone who was stoned than someone who was drunk. That's my opinion though. Many will have their own, some supporting what I've said and some who will strongly appose it. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I kinda feel like if you poke fun of it, like how dumb he looks when he does it, that could do it. dont be his mother, but be like someone who makes fun of it once in awhile. I know with me, if i did something that my ex thought made me look stupid, i would stop Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by Gemini02 How do I learn to deal with this? Well, it's your choice on whether you want to deal with it at all. On one hand, he's breaking the law, and you're putting yourself at risk if you bring a drug user in your life. On the other hand, recreational marijuana use is pretty much harmless, and most of your scruples about it come from conditioning things as "good" or 'bad". Maybe, instead of getting high with him, you can do some research on marijuana--there's plenty of information on google. Try running a google search for marijuana, and append "site:edu" to ensure you're getting sites from academic institutions. Maybe the more you learn about it the less it will bother you. Should I try smoking pot with him to try to understand where he is coming from, and to get over my fear? I don't see how that would contribute to an understanding of his situation, so I wouldn't reccomend smoking pot unless that's what you're interested in doing habitually--the notion that marijuana is non-habit forming is false. Originally posted by jw32802 I kinda feel like if you poke fun of it, like how dumb he looks when he does it, that could do it. dont be his mother, but be like someone who makes fun of it once in awhile. I know with me, if i did something that my ex thought made me look stupid, i would stop I think this suggestion is manipulative and destructive--you have to realize that in this situation, the person with the issue is you, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you want this in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Honestly? If he's cut down, and has stopped being high around you, you shouldn't have a problem with it. You don't have to TRY it, just explain that even though you don't like it you understand it's something that he enjoys doing recreationally, and so if he keeps it away from you you're happy. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 the whole "against the law thing" bothers me, cuz it shouldnt even BE against the law. drugs should be legal; its your body and you should be able to do what you want with your own body. funny, you can rip a fetus out of your body and we all hear "its your choice, your body!" but you cant smoke pot, lol, such a hypocritical society. anyway, good luck to you, but usually thats a phase and most people come out of that Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by jw32802 the whole "against the law thing" bothers me But it's still a legitimate concern. What if they're in the car together and he's carrying? Un drugs should be legal; its your body and you should be able to do what you want with your own body The main issue against legalizing harmful drugs is that people don't survive off only their own contributions to society. If you get strung out on drugs, and end up ruining your life, our tax dollars have to rescue you. If you get strung out on drugs and kill somebody, we shouldn't just have to live with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Regardless, if he keeps it away from her and respects the fact it's not for her-she should be able to get over it and not let it cause stress in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 thanks guys for all your opinions and advice... however i still cannot make a decision Link to post Share on other sites
simplybrill Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 What exactly dropped your standards, so that you let this person into your life? You dont smoke pot- for some great reasons, I think you should date someone who agrees with you on things like this. For right now, its just pot, but it is a gateway drug (which means that this could lead to using other kinds of drugs), and the more he smokes it the worse his health will get, and not to mention his judgement (which is already off, by the looks of it). Obviously, this is an important issue with you, and if he's not willing to compromise - then maybe you should be lookin for lovin elsewhere, by breaking up with this dude. If you dont wanna lose him because of this, maybe HE should wake up and realize exactly what a great girl he has, and he's throwing it away for POT. People have made decent points: what if he has it in the car, and you guys get pulled over? What if he hides it in YOUR car? If pot isnt that addictive, then why cant he just STOP it? She shouldnt just have to "get over it" because she shouldnt have to deal with this crap- especially from someone she cares about. In case you havent noticed, she's not the one choosing drugs over their significant other, the jerk of a boyfriend is the problem here. She's not the source of the stress in the relationship, HE is. Everything would be fine, if he didnt smoke pot - and he cant even meet her half-way with it. He's making promises about their future, if they moved in together, if they had kids - but the reality is that may not even happen - but he wants her to stick around...for what...so that by the time he's ready to have kids, his sperm count will be so low because of the pot, that they have a hard time concieving? And put her through MORE anguish and heartache? He's a waste of time. You know you can do better. Good luck sista. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by simplybrill For right now, its just pot, but it is a gateway drug (which means that this could lead to using other kinds of drugs), It's a gateway for some--but if someone's been smoking marijuana for years without other drugs, chances are it's not a gateway for him. In case you havent noticed, she's not the one choosing drugs over their significant other, the jerk of a boyfriend is the problem here. [and] If you dont wanna lose him because of this, maybe HE should wake up and realize exactly what a great girl he has, and he's throwing it away for POT. Be fair, she never created that choice. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 It's a gateway for some--but if someone's been smoking marijuana for years without other drugs, chances are it's not a gateway for him. That is very true - never been one for me...i've never tried anything else nor had ever the desire to. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I chose to stop smoking pot for my BF (we did it together for a year but he had an anxiety attack that lasted over a month and the Doctor said it was brought on by weed) he stopped (he didn't ask me to) but I quit because we are together everyday and it wouldn't be okay for him to be forced to be around me smoking. I think (if it comes down to it) you should choose your S/O over your "habbits" but if the "habbits" aren't hurting or causing pain or agony to the other person I don't see any reaSon one person should have to give up something that soothes them and relaxes them. (if this is why they use). Link to post Share on other sites
Princess_rab Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I am new at this entire thing so I hope I am doing it right. I am a single mother of two children. My husband and I were together for five years and married for less than a year, because he now lives with his girlfriend. How do I get over the hurt and wanting revenge on him ....to just living my life happy....Is there happiness out there these days. Oh, is there some sort of unwritten rule that says you can't come to your ex-wife for relationship advice. I tried of feeling used and hurt any advice anyone Link to post Share on other sites
pav186 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by simplybrill She shouldnt just have to "get over it" because she shouldnt have to deal with this crap- especially from someone she cares about. In case you havent noticed, she's not the one choosing drugs over their significant other, the jerk of a boyfriend is the problem here. She's not the source of the stress in the relationship, HE is. Everything would be fine, if he didnt smoke pot - and he cant even meet her half-way with it. He's making promises about their future, if they moved in together, if they had kids - but the reality is that may not even happen - but he wants her to stick around...for what...so that by the time he's ready to have kids, his sperm count will be so low because of the pot, that they have a hard time concieving? And put her through MORE anguish and heartache? He's a waste of time. i disagree with pretty much this entire post. the whole gateway theory is unproven at best, and the numbers probably just represent the fact that marijuana is the first illegal drug that people try. If you take away the whole legal/illegal thing then if anything alcohol is the gateway drug. Theres not much support for someone turning tricks to support a crack habit because they smoked a joint... also, if anyone has gone half-way its him. He's cut back quite a bit from the sounds of it and doesnt bring it in the house. its not like he sits around all day with his friends getting stoned while she's at work supporting him. He probably smokes a few times a month with a few friends instead of having a few drinks, no biggie. Whether or not you should try it is a good question. I wouldnt for the sole purpose of trying to understand where he's coming from, but maybe it wouldnt hurt I bet you picture his mind state to be much different than it actually is, it just makes you extremely relaxed and mellow, it can trigger anxiety attacks but most of the people that happens to stop smoking because panic attacks are not so much fun. He says he will not stop doing it "one in a while" and you should admire his honesty because he could easily tell you he'll stop and then do it anyways at his friends house. Smoking weed does not make you a bad person, its just one of a myriad of traits. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I am new at this entire thing so I hope I am doing it right. I am a single mother of two children. My husband and I were together for five years and married for less than a year, because he now lives with his girlfriend. How do I get over the hurt and wanting revenge on him ....to just living my life happy....Is there happiness out there these days. Oh, is there some sort of unwritten rule that says you can't come to your ex-wife for relationship advice. I tried of feeling used and hurt any advice anyone Sorry I think this is under the wrong post but anyway I'll give my 2 cents.... I can't blame you for wanting revenge on him! Are you telling us that he actually comes to you for his new relationship advice??? Advice to fixing a relationship with someone else ((he left you for))<---assuming this is the case if it's not sorry!? No one person can give you advice on how to get over this whole hurt thing because if he broke your heart that is something that only time will heal. BUT I don't think him coming to you for advice is helping matters! I bet hearing about them probably only adds to the hurt! If I were you I would try keeping away from him and them keeping civil for the kids of course. Sorry I don't have more advice but I wish you the best of luck and hope someone else can be more helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
Shasta Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 When I was younger, i would not go out with someone who smoked weed. I grew up with thinking that weed was the most awful drug in the world. Now, I don't really care. I've smoked it, and I'm still the same person. It is pretty much up to you if you want someone to be in your life that could potentially get busted for having weed on them, or get fired from a job because they have it in their system and get a random drug test. He has definately met you half way, but if I was asked by someone I loved to quit smoking pot, I would. For them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 We came up with a compromise last night, after we cried, threw things (not at each other) and almost broke up numerous times. He says it isn't the fact that he's choosing weed over me, it's that doesn't want to completly change for me. Changing completly and making the decision and saying "I'll never take another toke again" isn't him... I guess he feels like if he makes this compromise, he'll be compromising himself, and then what will do next? And for that, I respect his decision. I don't respect his choice to literally smoke weed, but he talked to me about it, and I did some research and I now have some facts, instead of what my parents drilled into my head from a young age. Tonight, I'm going to see what he's like after having some, and I might try some myself just so I can get over my fear of it. I figure there's a difference between not liking it and fearin git, but I guess I shouldn't be a hypocrite right? He's being totally suportive of me, he says I can change my mind any time I want... even at the last minute. He'll put it away and that will be the end of it. I guess we'll see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
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