I think I'm going to breakup with him because he doesn't want to marry me

[Cutiepie1976]

A few questions:

1. Do you have a ring on your finger (not just an "I'm planning to propose" promise)?
   
2. Have you set a firm wedding date?
   
3. Does he seem excited and happy now that he's taken the plunge?
   

 

If the answer to all of these is "yes," enjoy what you have rather than worrying about how you got there. I have a number of friends who went through similar issues and are now happily married. (My best friend has been happily married for almost ten years and a close friend from work, who has a model marriage, for over 25 years. Both walked away and resumed single life when their then BFs "couldn't" propose.) It's not an uncommon scenario. It happens.

 

If the answer is "no" to the above questions, I would walk away. Unfortunately, if he hasn't taken concrete steps, he's just wasting your time and trying to appease you with more empty promises. As difficult as it is, it will be better to start over from scratch to find someone worthy of all you have to offer, than to wait indefinitely through more years of excuses and mounting frustration . Some people don't really want to marry...at least not until something jolts them about their mortality (like the death of a parent). We can never really know someone's true intentions. We can only make educated guesses based on their actions over time. Sans an actual rock and an agreed upon date, in other words, unless something concrete has changed, you still have nothing more than the verbal promises you've been given for the last year and a half. In that scenario, things look quite bleak.

 

Hope things work out for you! Know that you aren't the only person who has faced this dilemma. I've seen it go both ways. Best!

[CarolineNYC]

1. No

2. No

3. No

 

Lol. There are 2 ways to look at that. Some people could say that if he were serious, he would have bought a ring and done it right away.

 

As it is in this situation he said he wants me to look past what has happened and be back in a relationship. Then he'll propose. I told him when we broke up do not show up at my door with a ring because I will say no. And I was very adamant about that. I wouldn't find that to an ultimate proclamation of love. No way.

 

That's why there definitely hasn't been ring or marriage talk because I haven't been entertaining any relationship talk with him.

[samsungxoxo]

Then there you have your answer. He's not the right man for you.

[Cutiepie1976]

...That's why there definitely hasn't been ring or marriage talk because I haven't been entertaining any relationship talk with him.

 

Sorry to hear, but to clarify, there has been no ring and no proposal because he doesn't want to do these things, at least not now. Rather than show up with a ring (or take you ring shopping), he's opted instead to focus his effort on trying to talk you back into a relationship with no changes...on his terms. You've clearly stated your needs. You need the relationship to progress to the next level. He's clearly provided his position and priorities. The status quo worked for him. He wants it back. No ring. No proposal. Promise of "someday" remains.

 

I understand you feel there are two ways to look at this. The reality is that however you slice and dice your situation, nothing has changed. After walking away, you still have a vague promise that he'll propose someday in the fuzzy future and zero tangible progress. Only difference is now, you've made it crystal clear what you personally need to continue the relationship any further. If you go back on your statements, backtrack if you will, and rationalize restarting the relationship without a ring, then the only message conveyed is that marriage was a "nice-to-have" but not a "must-have," and your threats are meaningless.

 

Different relationship goals? Different timelines? Different wishes about having/raising kids? These are all common incompatibilities that end relationships. Only you know what is and isn't acceptable to you. Decide to walk away or stay, but don't use empty threats. Those are counterproductive and destructive. It won't get you what you want. Good luck!

[Radu]

Let's play my favorite game in the world ... the game of 'what if ?'.

 

What if you go back to him, and get married, and have kids and such.

How will the fact that he is doing this to not lose you impact this.

Not to mention the fact that you would have opened the Pandora Box ... meaning used what could be considered emotional blackmail to get things going.

 

Don't go.

Age and weather or not you want kids also plays a role.

[oldshirt]

Most men marry under duress, they're usually just more subtle in doing so.

 

 

No.

 

When a man feels in his heart that he is with the right woman and he wants her to be in his life forever he will crawl naked through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to be with her.

 

He will buy a ring, get down in one knee to propose to her and will get out a calender and start looking at dates. He will talk to her parents and family to determine if they support the marriage or not. He will talk to his own parents and family to determine their support. Even if niether family supports the marriage if he is truly in love and decides it is the right course of action he will propose and marry her ANYWAY.

 

He will look into housing, look into financials, look into long term career aspects, child-rearing issues, retirement etc etc etc.

 

That is what a MAN does when he believes he has found the right WOMAN and wants them to be together.

 

If a woman has to threaten and manipulate and otherwise pass ultimatums to get a 'boy' to commit because his tank starts filling up and he doesn't have a back up plan and doesn't want to start picking chicks up in bars again, then that is not meant to be.

[oldshirt]

Caroline I read your other thread as well as this one. I think you were within your right to end the relationship and walk. You two have had PPPLLLLEEEENNNNNTTYY of time to determine if you are right for each other or not. You are grown adults and not 20 year love-struck youths.

 

You have stated your position and your objectives and he did not rise to meet them and he stated his position in wanting to maintain status quo without a longterm, legal commitment.

 

You both know the ramifications of your decisions, it's all fair. Now it's hardball for both of you.

 

You two were playing a game of "chicken" seeing which one would fold first. You walked (right choice IMHO) and now he is trying to backpedal and play catch-up. Your challenge is to determine if he is just buckling under pressure and wanting his little live-in bedwarmer in his bed at night or whether is truly sincere and planning on manning-up and marrying you in good faith.

 

Here is the only advice I can offer you. Keep moving on with your life. Pack up your stuff and move out. Get a place of your own and a life of your own. Go back onto the dating market and start dating again. Get drunk and bring some dudes home from the bar if you want, I don't care, just get back out there on the open market again.

 

Don't call him, return his txts or emails or answer his calls unless it is about legal issues with your house or splitting of jointly accumulated property.

 

Go on with your new life in earnest and in good faith. If in the mean time he goes to your family to gather their support in him marrying you. does the same with his family. Then if he comes to you with a financial and living plan, has a calendar in his hand to pick out a date, and either has a ring in his possession or is taking you to the jewerly store to pick one out right then and there and he gets down on one knee and gives you a proper proposal.........

 

......Then you can consider it like any other proposal you may receive and if you feel in your heart of hearts it is your best interest then take your chances and go for it.

 

If you feel in your heart of heart that he just isn't the right one then you are obligated to decline the proposal.

 

What is the key factor here is what is he "DOING" as opposed to what is he "SAYING"?

 

Anyone can say anything. what makes a person who and what they are is what actions they take to make things happen.

 

He has the burdeon of proof now. Talk means nothing. Is he walking the walk? Is he manning up and taking the necessary actions to make you a safe and secure home and life in which to raise children with resources and security?

 

Or is he just trying to talk you into being his easy and convenient bedwarmer at night?

[CarboniteCammy]

Old shirt- that is what it was like when my husband and I got married. He actually ended up planning alot of the wedding and after we said, "I do," at the actual ceremony, he whoooped outloud and fist bumped his brother.

[CarolineNYC]

Oldshirt, I appreciate your advice (and the advice of others) because I feel that it's a very balanced perspective.

 

Your advice acknowledges what I feel but you aren't so far left or right in your advice. That's why I like posting on forums about things like this because people who don't know the situation so closely give the best advice. Some of my friends are telling me that if he's going to propose than that's all that matters and to just go with it. Other friends are saying run away, don't look back don't listen to anything that he says. He's not sincere.

 

One thing that I can say about him that I always loved about our relationship is that he is very honest and is always a man of his word. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it. If he wants to do something, he does it and does it 100%. So now he's saying that he's ready, if I were to tell him, okay, let's give this another shot, then I'd be engaged next week. I know I would be. Because I know him and how he thinks and he would not under any circumstance, woo (do people use that word anymore?) me back just to return to the same old same old.

 

I have an apartment and all my stuff is out of the his house and back in my apartment. I haven't been to his house in the going on two months that we haven't been together. I go out on weekends with my friends. I go out to happy hour after work with my coworkers. I've definitely been in the frame of mind that I need to come back into my own regardless of this relationship or any other. And it's been a liberating feeling. I'm so much clearer now on what I do and don't want out of a relationship and I reflect on where I went wrong in this. And I'm in no way justifying his actions, but I know now how I haven't been perfect in this. This time apart has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself.

 

I found out the other day about a huge change that he made to a situation that was a huge stress for us and me in particular. I wish I could be more specific but it wouldn't surprise me if the person that this situation involves (or the woman that he emotionally abuses) was on this site looking for help.

 

But I'm very surprised that he did that. It's huge.

 

All that being said, I don't feel the need to run right back into things. I think a lot of good is coming out of this time apart and whether or not we get back together, I know I'm learning a lot from being on my own and it's only making me a better person. So, if we're supposed to be together, we will be. I don't know what the future will be but I definitely feel like I made the right choice to walk away when I did. I'm not sure if things are 100% over with us but I know we're in the right place right now.

[Lauriebell82]

Oldshirt, I appreciate your advice (and the advice of others) because I feel that it's a very balanced perspective.

 

Your advice acknowledges what I feel but you aren't so far left or right in your advice. That's why I like posting on forums about things like this because people who don't know the situation so closely give the best advice. Some of my friends are telling me that if he's going to propose than that's all that matters and to just go with it. Other friends are saying run away, don't look back don't listen to anything that he says. He's not sincere.

 

One thing that I can say about him that I always loved about our relationship is that he is very honest and is always a man of his word. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it. If he wants to do something, he does it and does it 100%. So now he's saying that he's ready, if I were to tell him, okay, let's give this another shot, then I'd be engaged next week. I know I would be. Because I know him and how he thinks and he would not under any circumstance, woo (do people use that word anymore?) me back just to return to the same old same old.

 

I have an apartment and all my stuff is out of the his house and back in my apartment. I haven't been to his house in the going on two months that we haven't been together. I go out on weekends with my friends. I go out to happy hour after work with my coworkers. I've definitely been in the frame of mind that I need to come back into my own regardless of this relationship or any other. And it's been a liberating feeling. I'm so much clearer now on what I do and don't want out of a relationship and I reflect on where I went wrong in this. And I'm in no way justifying his actions, but I know now how I haven't been perfect in this. This time apart has given me a lot of time to reflect on myself.

 

I found out the other day about a huge change that he made to a situation that was a huge stress for us and me in particular. I wish I could be more specific but it wouldn't surprise me if the person that this situation involves (or the woman that he emotionally abuses) was on this site looking for help.

 

But I'm very surprised that he did that. It's huge.

 

All that being said, I don't feel the need to run right back into things. I think a lot of good is coming out of this time apart and whether or not we get back together, I know I'm learning a lot from being on my own and it's only making me a better person. So, if we're supposed to be together, we will be. I don't know what the future will be but I definitely feel like I made the right choice to walk away when I did. I'm not sure if things are 100% over with us but I know we're in the right place right now.

 

Hmm, he emotionally abuses a woman. That doesn't sound so great! I know you can't/won't go into detail, but I would see that as a red flag!

 

Anyway, getting engaged and planning for marriage should be a happy and exciting time. It doesn't sound like it is for you. Therefore, I feel like you should walk away completely. You will find a man who loves you sooo much that he would never want to even risk not being with you for one day. Please don't settle for less then you deserve.

[CarolineNYC]

Whoa, no sorry. I typed something and deleted it because it was too specific. He doesn't emotionally abuse anyone. Someone else does and it's a very toxic situation that often drags a lot of people into it.

[MissBee]

No.

 

When a man feels in his heart that he is with the right woman and he wants her to be in his life forever he will crawl naked through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to be with her.

 

He will buy a ring, get down in one knee to propose to her and will get out a calender and start looking at dates. He will talk to her parents and family to determine if they support the marriage or not. He will talk to his own parents and family to determine their support. Even if niether family supports the marriage if he is truly in love and decides it is the right course of action he will propose and marry her ANYWAY.

 

He will look into housing, look into financials, look into long term career aspects, child-rearing issues, retirement etc etc etc.

 

That is what a MAN does when he believes he has found the right WOMAN and wants them to be together.

 

If a woman has to threaten and manipulate and otherwise pass ultimatums to get a 'boy' to commit because his tank starts filling up and he doesn't have a back up plan and doesn't want to start picking chicks up in bars again, then that is not meant to be.

 

This is very true!

 

I am SO against the notion that it's a woman's job to "get the ring" and essentially strong arm a man into marriage.

 

I REFUSE!

 

If a man doesn't want to marry me on his own and thinks about it and is excited about it...then I don't want him. Period and point blank.

 

Marriage is hard enough. I'm not just in it for a diamond and a party. Therefore I see no purpose in forcing, coercing or manipulating a reluctant person into it. It's only valuable if we both are on the same page and of our own free wills and desires want to make that commitment.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Getting married comes with great responsibilities. Maybe your boyfriend is not still ready for these.

[Lauriebell82]

Whoa, no sorry. I typed something and deleted it because it was too specific. He doesn't emotionally abuse anyone. Someone else does and it's a very toxic situation that often drags a lot of people into it.

 

Ah, okay good. Well, it sounds like you are not rushing back into this..very smart of you. I really think you could find someone who DOES want to marry you, and you won't have to leave in order to do it. I would tell him that he is too late..because it sounds like that is how you truly feel.

[Nyla]

You are being very brave in questioning where this is going - it's hard to give the status quo a shake, and I applaud you. From where I sit... it's not going to happen, and you'd best tell him that you're thinking of moving on, and why. Then, sit back and see what happens.

 

He may surprise you. He may disappoint you. He may do absolutely nothing. As long as you are prepared to stick to your bottom line, just do it. If you do not think that you can stick to your bottom line, say nothing until you know that you can.

 

Gawd, I really dislike wafflers. I have no patience for them.

 

Yes! Wafflers are annoying.

 

My husband was a waffler when we were dating. Eventually, I grew weary of the back and forth, so I dumped him and refused to return until my then boyfriend got his head together.

 

I didn't give any ultimatums, just told him what I wanted. I also said that since my then boyfriend didn't want a commitment, he was to leave me alone so that I could find a man who was ready for a mature relationship and marriage down the road. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round!

 

Thankfully, my husband asked me to move in and set a timeline for engagement after a few months apart. We were engaged after nearly two years together and two months of cohabitation. There is no way in hell I would have waited for four years with no ring and date set.

 

Some women only have themselves to blame for wasting years and years with wafflers. I hear of women who have waited five, ten and even fifteen years for a ring. A man doesn't need all that time to know if he wants to get married.

 

OP, I hope this is a good lesson for you. Don't waste too much time and proposals under pressure are not real expressions of love. Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you and he likely never will. You are too precious to be jerked around.

[pink_sugar]

I guess we can say that nothing is really black and white here. He could be doing it not to lose you, or maybe he really wants to change. It's hard to tell. I do agree with the others though that if he is serious, he will show you a ring, make the announcement to relatives and set a wedding date. Otherwise, all bets are off. If he does do the above, ask yourself this:

 

Could you imagine your life without him?

Now that you've broken up, do you feel more relieved or like something is missing?

Other than the marriage issue, did you have any other issues?

[Lauriebell82]

Could you imagine your life without him?

Now that you've broken up, do you feel more relieved or like something is missing?

Other than the marriage issue, did you have any other issues?

 

You are right about these questions. In general, my gut tells me that anyone leaving a relationship because their partner doesn't want to marry, PROBABLY wasn't 100% happy in the relationship.

 

I have a friend who waited many many years for a proposal (6 to be exact). I asked her why she stuck around. She told me that she just couldn't imagine her life without him, and that she would be miserable if she wasn't with him. He procrastinated, but FINALLY surprised her with a proposal after 6 years of dating, and 3 years of living together. They are now happily married for 2 years. She told me later that he was worth the wait.

 

So, I ask you to consider that OP. You broke up with him, then told him NOT to propose. So did you end it because he wasn't "the one?" If that's the case, then I don't believe that you should take him back. Nobody should marry someone they don't believe is "the one."

[pink_sugar]

So, I ask you to consider that OP. You broke up with him, then told him NOT to propose. So did you end it because he wasn't "the one?" If that's the case, then I don't believe that you should take him back. Nobody should marry someone they don't believe is "the one."

 

I agree. My husband is huge on procrastination and popping the question was the one thing he didn't procrastinate on. We both agreed we wouldn't wait longer than 5 years. I think 2-3 years is sufficient to at least have an idea of whether or not you want to be with that person long term.

 

OP, you just have to decide which is most important to you, marriage or him. Would it bother you more to not have him, or to have him and not be married? Sounds to me like not being married bothers you more and if that's the case, he's probably not worth marrying.

[CarolineNYC]

Aside from the issue of marriage, we have what I consider a beautiful relationship. He can be super annoying about certain things and believe me, so can I. But at the end of it, he's the one man in my life, other than my dad, who I can always count on to be there. He's always been amazing about being there for me. We have so much in common and learn a lot from each other.

 

If I never wanted kids or wasn't sure if I wanted them, I would still be with him and wouldn't push the issue of being married because our relationship is that satisfying. But I refuse to have kids when I'm not married. That's why it's so important to me. I can't say that I want to have kids tomorrow, but I certainly don't want to be in a state of limbo with a guy who keeps saying "someday" and years go by and then I'm in a bad place in terms of getting pregnant.

 

I told him after we broke up not to propose because I didn't want a knee jerk reaction and insincere proposal. I know he loves me and our relationship and I know he would do anything for me. So I had a feeling that if we broke up and I didn't say, don't propose, he would do it to make me happy. And I don't want that. I want him to propose because he wants to be married to me.

 

So as of now, he says he's ready. He's talked to his dad, his uncle, his siblings. They're responses have all been along the lines of "Its about time buddy". My family knows and has known from the past that we were serious and expected us to get married. He says he's doing this because he wants to. That he's not going to do anything that he doesn't want to do. That if he didn't want to get married he would miss me and miss us but he wouldn't be talking like this.

 

I feel like if I hadn't walked away then he wouldn't be saying this now. So does that make this insincere or is this happening now because he woke up? I just don't know. I miss him, I miss us. I miss a lot of the things that we did together and the connection that I have with him. And part of me feels foolish for walking away from so much good. But part of me knows that I had to stand up for what's important to me and I'm proud of myself for doing that. But I do miss us, yes.

[Lauriebell82]

Aside from the issue of marriage, we have what I consider a beautiful relationship. He can be super annoying about certain things and believe me, so can I. But at the end of it, he's the one man in my life, other than my dad, who I can always count on to be there. He's always been amazing about being there for me. We have so much in common and learn a lot from each other.

 

If I never wanted kids or wasn't sure if I wanted them, I would still be with him and wouldn't push the issue of being married because our relationship is that satisfying. But I refuse to have kids when I'm not married. That's why it's so important to me. I can't say that I want to have kids tomorrow, but I certainly don't want to be in a state of limbo with a guy who keeps saying "someday" and years go by and then I'm in a bad place in terms of getting pregnant.

 

I told him after we broke up not to propose because I didn't want a knee jerk reaction and insincere proposal. I know he loves me and our relationship and I know he would do anything for me. So I had a feeling that if we broke up and I didn't say, don't propose, he would do it to make me happy. And I don't want that. I want him to propose because he wants to be married to me.

 

So as of now, he says he's ready. He's talked to his dad, his uncle, his siblings. They're responses have all been along the lines of "Its about time buddy". My family knows and has known from the past that we were serious and expected us to get married. He says he's doing this because he wants to. That he's not going to do anything that he doesn't want to do. That if he didn't want to get married he would miss me and miss us but he wouldn't be talking like this.

 

I feel like if I hadn't walked away then he wouldn't be saying this now. So does that make this insincere or is this happening now because he woke up? I just don't know. I miss him, I miss us. I miss a lot of the things that we did together and the connection that I have with him. And part of me feels foolish for walking away from so much good. But part of me knows that I had to stand up for what's important to me and I'm proud of myself for doing that. But I do miss us, yes.

 

 

Well, if you felt a proposal was not going to sincere then why do you feel that his "i am ready" is sincere? Both of these are done to make you happy. Had you thought about what would happen if he did try to come back to you? Did you even expect him to? It sounds like you didnt think he would. Personally I think him showing up at your door with a ring would be romantic. The guy wants to make you happy. So you have to decide if you want to marry him or wait for a man who would be ready of his own volition.

[Nyla]

Talk is cheap. If your boyfriend really wants to get married, he will propose instead of just promising that he's ready. Sometimes men gift their girlfriend's engagement rings just to keep the women quiet, but you will know this is the case if your boyfriend refuses to discuss wedding plans.

 

Sometimes people don't know what they have until it is gone. It could be that your boyfriend has been without you for a while and now he realizes how much he misses you and wants you forever.