My mom is way too controlling and it's time for her to stop! >:/

[jocy_20]

This is going to be pretty long so get ready..

 

My mom has always sheltered me and my siblings I ever since we were born. Growing up she never let anyone else keep us besides our grandparents who raised me and my siblings. Our mom always told us how terrible her life was and how our grandparents weren't always the greatest people until decades later. We are much older and we form or own opinions.

 

Our mom gets angry because we do not see things the way she see them and she always expect us to agree and see things the way she sees them. We constantly argue because of this. Not to mention she said she's bi polar, mass depression, conflict with personality, etc etc.

 

I try not to talk with her too long because it always end up in an arguement or her talking about how we treat her bad and we don't appreciate her and all we do is use her. She only get like this when she feel like it, it's like she chooses what mood she want on purpose.

 

When we have family that come by to visit, she always talk about negative things that lead into arguements and yet again she's the victim. Then she uses the the phrase " what did I ever do so wrong for bad things to happen to me? I'm not making a pitty party." Sometime I just look in confusion and leave and she gets outrageous!

 

My brother and sister never talk our mom about things because they always come to me because they say she doesn't understand and is always angry. I learned that my brother and sister are full of sh** as well. They use and abuse her and she blow up at me as if I'm the easy target. I get tired of it because she break her a** for everyone but vent to me. I cannot take it anymore and I'm not! Everyday for the past 8 years it's been this way.

 

She want things to change but she is always making drama and never letting go of the past, whether it has to do with us or other family members. A few days ago our mom told my brother and I that she want us to help pay for our sisters school clothes because she doesn't have any.

 

Tol be noted, I buy things for my bratty ungrateful sister all the time, our mom doesn't know that. When I told her this she got mad. Sje told her aunt and uncle about this(idk why) and they told her she cant know and will not know everything because that's what brothers and sisters do.

 

She was all mad and pouty. They told her the things she is goign nuts and argueing about is petty and she need to let it go. She again act like she isnt in the wrong. Also, since I've been with my bf, she expect us or me to always do things for her. She will call me when I'm on a date or out in general and I respect her enough to tell her that I'm leaving but she doesn't respect me.

 

My bf was fine with doing little erands here and their until he got tired of me being upset and how she treat me. She try to make me feel guilty and I'm not. I stopped doing it but she throw the pity things up like "u know we dont have a car and i just needed a few things..can u go get me something to eat" blah blah. This past weekend I celebrated my bday weekend and she knew it, but i had to come pick up my asthma meds but she said oh since u comin go get me some stuff from the store..that takes forever because she is so indescisive.

 

My bf was like we're on a time schedule..we ended up doing it anyway and my bf and i payed for the stuff. She changed her mind again and said she didnt want us doing anything bc she wanted to do it herself! I'm like.. U DONT HAVE A CAR!!!!..omg. Another thing, I have a new job, had it about 3 weeks now. My brother quit his job for no good reason and he know we need income to help our mom.

 

Now, I'm the only one with a job..and their's 4 people in the household. My mom says she cant do hard labor but a job was offered to her which was easy non labor work but she denied it bc she said noone tells her what her priorities are and she made a comment to my grandmother and sister that she dont have bills and me and my brother pay those..!!!! >.<

 

I asked her why she said that and she said because i told my aunt that their were some openings at a nursing home..mean bi***. She is so irrational and controlling. She also know that me and my bf are looking for a place but she make things hard. It's hard trying to worry about my needs vs. paying the bills with all of my paycheck.

 

 

Also she is always bad mouthing my bf for no reason. She is sabotaging my relationship with her behavior and my bf sees it and sometime we have issues in my realtionship bc of my mom. My bf understands me but he is fed up with my mom. I'm tired of defending her, she knows I do because she keep testing me.......ughhh. I'm done.

 

 

I need some advice badly please.

Edited August 28, 2012 by jocy_20

[Radu]

This is going to be pretty long so get ready..

 

My mom has always sheltered me and my siblings I ever since we were born. Growing up she never let anyone else keep us besides our grandparents who raised me and my siblings. Our mom always told us how terrible her life was and how our grandparents weren't always the greatest people until decades later. We are much older and we form or own opinions.

Possible, about her life i mean.

 

Our mom gets angry because we do not see things the way she see them and she always expect us to agree and see things the way she sees them. We constantly argue because of this. Not to mention she said she's bi polar, mass depression, conflict with personality, etc etc.

That's not a healthy reaction, and tbh ... many ppl say they are bipolar.

 

I try not to talk with her too long because it always end up in an arguement or her talking about how we treat her bad and we don't appreciate her and all we do is use her. She only get like this when she feel like it, it's like she chooses what mood she want on purpose.

Sounds like victimization.

 

When we have family that come by to visit, she always talk about negative things that lead into arguements and yet again she's the victim. Then she uses the the phrase " what did I ever do so wrong for bad things to happen to me? I'm not making a pitty party." Sometime I just look in confusion and leave and she gets outrageous!

More victimization.

 

My brother and sister never talk our mom about things because they always come to me because they say she doesn't understand and is always angry. I learned that my brother and sister are full of sh** as well. They use and abuse her and she blow up at me as if I'm the easy target. I get tired of it because she break her a** for everyone but vent to me. I cannot take it anymore and I'm not! Everyday for the past 8 years it's been this way.

What kind of use and abuse are you talking off ?

 

She want things to change but she is always making drama and never letting go of the past, whether it has to do with us or other family members. A few days ago our mom told my brother and I that she want us to help pay for our sisters school clothes because she doesn't have any.

 

Tol be noted, I buy things for my bratty ungrateful sister all the time, our mom doesn't know that. When I told her this she got mad. Sje told her aunt and uncle about this(idk why) and they told her she cant know and will not know everything because that's what brothers and sisters do.

 

She was all mad and pouty. They told her the things she is goign nuts and argueing about is petty and she need to let it go. She again act like she isnt in the wrong. Also, since I've been with my bf, she expect us or me to always do things for her. She will call me when I'm on a date or out in general and I respect her enough to tell her that I'm leaving but she doesn't respect me.

Interesting reaction she had.

For a grownup to get pouty ...

 

My bf was fine with doing little erands here and their until he got tired of me being upset and how she treat me. She try to make me feel guilty and I'm not. I stopped doing it but she throw the pity things up like "u know we dont have a car and i just needed a few things..can u go get me something to eat" blah blah. This past weekend I celebrated my bday weekend and she knew it, but i had to come pick up my asthma meds but she said oh since u comin go get me some stuff from the store..that takes forever because she is so indescisive.

 

My bf was like we're on a time schedule..we ended up doing it anyway and my bf and i payed for the stuff. She changed her mind again and said she didnt want us doing anything bc she wanted to do it herself! I'm like.. U DONT HAVE A CAR!!!!..omg. Another thing, I have a new job, had it about 3 weeks now. My brother quit his job for no good reason and he know we need income to help our mom.

I have this vision of a dancing puppet pulled by strings.

 

Now, I'm the only one with a job..and their's 4 people in the household. My mom says she cant do hard labor but a job was offered to her which was easy non labor work but she denied it bc she said noone tells her what her priorities are and she made a comment to my grandmother and sister that she dont have bills and me and my brother pay those..!!!! >.<

 

I asked her why she said that and she said because i told my aunt that their were some openings at a nursing home..mean bi***. She is so irrational and controlling. She also know that me and my bf are looking for a place but she make things hard. It's hard trying to worry about my needs vs. paying the bills with all of my paycheck.

That's not really mature person behaviour.

 

Also she is always bad mouthing my bf for no reason. She is sabotaging my relationship with her behavior and my bf sees it and sometime we have issues in my realtionship bc of my mom. My bf understands me but he is fed up with my mom. I'm tired of defending her, she knows I do because she keep testing me.......ughhh. I'm done.

 

I need some advice badly please.

OK ...

 

---- I really hope you won't get mad for what i'm going to write.

Your mom might be right about your grandma and grandpa having been worse during her childhood, she sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a 10yr old. Ppl with BPD usually are like that, and there are other parts that also play into that [that you mentioned], but this is something that should have a specialist's opinion.

One thing is for certain, her reactions are not normal.

 

It may sound condescending of me, but children are not supposed to call their mothers 'bi*ch', then again i did not have a mother like this although she did inherit some bad traits from my own grandmother [very manipulative woman].

I also sense a lot of anger in you, which can be a problem in the future.

 

While your bf is right about your mother [from what you wrote of her], he should not criticise her, and you guys should not argue over her.

It would be somewhat expected that you would shield him from her.

 

Have your aunt and uncle been married for long ?

How is their relationship ?

Do they actually like each other ?

What is the difference in ages between your mother and her other sibling ?

 

Overall it sounds like you don't know boundaries, both because of age and because of nasty childhood experiences.

There are a couple of posters on this forum who also had nasty parents, and can recommend you good literature to deal with them [i think one book was called Toxic Parents].

Considering this, i think its even more important for you to wait for a while before you have a baby [in reference to your other older thread], because living with such ... relatives, is bound to cause some nasty things in you.

 

In my signature there is a quote 'The Map is not the Territory'.

I like to interpret it in different ways but in this case it means that our perception of reality is not the true reality, that we cannot achieve true knowledge of the reality but we can strive for it.

We each walk around with our own perception of reality, it's like a filter that allows only those things that validate our perception of things to pass through.

We are not born with this reality, though genes can certainly influence it.

It's a learned behaviour, it's programmed by our social interactions with other ppl.

As children it's programmed by the ones we view as rolemodels, as examples.

It's impossible to live with someone like your mother and for your own perception of reality to not suffer.

It does not mean you are right, and it does not mean you are wrong.

But if for instance something from your mother's way of acting rubbed off on your perception of reality, on your filter, you could pass it to your future child unless you 'repair' your filter.

Children learn by reading body language instinctively and the formative yrs are very important, they are like sponges ... they observe everything and understand a lot.

Many ppl in life either go around with an optimistic perception of reality by trusting everything, while others go with a pesimistic perception of reality ... doubting everything.

It's much harder but also better long term if you follow neither and choose to model your own perception of reality on a conscious level.

It is also something that some ppl need to do, to make sure that certain traits don't propagate down the lines.

 

This is a great thread about abuse :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/338711-my-mother-narcissistic-just-me

[jocy_20]

Possible, about her life i mean.

 

That's not a healthy reaction, and tbh ... many ppl say they are bipolar.

 

Sounds like victimization.

 

More victimization.

 

What kind of use and abuse are you talking off ?

 

Interesting reaction she had.

For a grownup to get pouty ...

 

I have this vision of a dancing puppet pulled by strings.

 

That's not really mature person behaviour.

 

OK ...

 

---- I really hope you won't get mad for what i'm going to write.

Your mom might be right about your grandma and grandpa having been worse during her childhood, she sounds like she has the emotional maturity of a 10yr old. Ppl with BPD usually are like that, and there are other parts that also play into that [that you mentioned], but this is something that should have a specialist's opinion.

One thing is for certain, her reactions are not normal.

 

It may sound condescending of me, but children are not supposed to call their mothers 'bi*ch', then again i did not have a mother like this although she did inherit some bad traits from my own grandmother [very manipulative woman].

I also sense a lot of anger in you, which can be a problem in the future.

 

While your bf is right about your mother [from what you wrote of her], he should not criticise her, and you guys should not argue over her.

It would be somewhat expected that you would shield him from her.

 

Have your aunt and uncle been married for long ?

How is their relationship ?

Do they actually like each other ?

What is the difference in ages between your mother and her other sibling ?

 

Overall it sounds like you don't know boundaries, both because of age and because of nasty childhood experiences.

There are a couple of posters on this forum who also had nasty parents, and can recommend you good literature to deal with them [i think one book was called Toxic Parents].

Considering this, i think its even more important for you to wait for a while before you have a baby [in reference to your other older thread], because living with such ... relatives, is bound to cause some nasty things in you.

 

In my signature there is a quote 'The Map is not the Territory'.

I like to interpret it in different ways but in this case it means that our perception of reality is not the true reality, that we cannot achieve true knowledge of the reality but we can strive for it.

We each walk around with our own perception of reality, it's like a filter that allows only those things that validate our perception of things to pass through.

We are not born with this reality, though genes can certainly influence it.

It's a learned behaviour, it's programmed by our social interactions with other ppl.

As children it's programmed by the ones we view as rolemodels, as examples.

It's impossible to live with someone like your mother and for your own perception of reality to not suffer.

It does not mean you are right, and it does not mean you are wrong.

But if for instance something from your mother's way of acting rubbed off on your perception of reality, on your filter, you could pass it to your future child unless you 'repair' your filter.

Children learn by reading body language instinctively and the formative yrs are very important, they are like sponges ... they observe everything and understand a lot.

Many ppl in life either go around with an optimistic perception of reality by trusting everything, while others go with a pesimistic perception of reality ... doubting everything.

It's much harder but also better long term if you follow neither and choose to model your own perception of reality on a conscious level.

It is also something that some ppl need to do, to make sure that certain traits don't propagate down the lines.

 

This is a great thread about abuse :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/338711-my-mother-narcissistic-just-me

 

 

I know she had a terrible childhood by how my grandparents treated her, my 39 year old aunt and my 38 year old uncle and my 37 year old mom. I understand but I tell her politely, a lot that maybe she need to see a therapist or talk to her mom and siblings together about this.

 

She always reject it and continously talk about this. I told her that I cannot handle this because it's putting a strain on me, I'm not a pessimistic person or a narcitistic(spelled wrong) peron. Me and my mom are complete opposites. She won't trust people or try to do things that are positive. She don't even have friends or family that she want to talk to.

 

She even told me a few times that I'm her bestfriend..in my head I'm like umm ok. Some things she tell me, I think she need to keep to herself or tell adults her age these things because it's too much for me to understand. I'm not angry, I'm frustrated. I am planning on seeing a therapist soon when I move out because I do not want to carry her issues and feelings into my life.

 

I never call my mom a bi*** to her face, I was fed up when I typed this out. I read other people's forums about their terrible parents..it's sad and wrong. I am always their to support her in positivity but she want to to be negative like her. It feels like she is trying to force me to see her pain and darkness. When I reject it, she flips out.

 

I suggested that she get some friends or reconnect with her bestfriend..she did but the excuses she make are annoying. I've never knew anyone who made up as many excuses as she do. She told me she wish she was like me, in a way that I take chances and not let people's doubts hurt me and thay I'm my own person. I told her it's easy to believe in myself and if I fail I try again until something works for me.

 

My aunt and uncle have been married for 43 years. They are bestfriends. Last week my mom had to go to her physical therapist and they took her, I went as well. While we waited for my mom, my aunt, uncle, and I talked about politics, my college work, relationships, and careers. They are enlighting. They told me to not take the burden of her and my siblings because I'm not their mother and my mom need to stop assuming that I'll take that part.

 

Ever since then, I've stopped taking the burden of my siblings and mom but everyone seem mad at me, which is different but it doesn't bother me. I know I have to do this in order to not be regretful and frustrated. Her perception isn't my reality because I do not see things the way she does because her past experiences as a child etc didn't happen to me.

 

I totally agree with waiting a while to have a child. It feels like a battle when my mom think about life so terribly vs the way I think life is. It's really hard, I fee like I'm suffering the longer I stay here. I'm moving out because I want to have a happy/normal life that I know is healthy for me. My mom got upset when I told her that I cannot handle being in this negative home and that it's time I leave to have my own life.

 

She got upset but oh well, their will be a time when she'll understand..for her sake. My bf shows her the upmost respect but I feel as if I have to protect/shield our relationship from my mom.

[jocy_20]

I forgoty siblings abuse her by making her feel guilty when she doesn't give them what they want and she admit she give into them bc she feel guilty. They always want more than she can give.

[Radu]

 

My aunt and uncle have been married for 43 years. They are bestfriends. Last week my mom had to go to her physical therapist and they took her, I went as well. While we waited for my mom, my aunt, uncle, and I talked about politics, my college work, relationships, and careers. They are enlighting. They told me to not take the burden of her and my siblings because I'm not their mother and my mom need to stop assuming that I'll take that part.

So they are of your grandparent's generation, not your mom's generation.

I think those are called great-uncle and great-aunt.

They are right.

 

Ever since then, I've stopped taking the burden of my siblings and mom but everyone seem mad at me, which is different but it doesn't bother me. I know I have to do this in order to not be regretful and frustrated. Her perception isn't my reality because I do not see things the way she does because her past experiences as a child etc didn't happen to me.

That whole thing about reality and perception ... i did not mean it like that.

I tried to imply that what you are today and how you view the world is the sum of past experiences, good and bad.

This means that there may have been past experiences that were bad that might play a bad role in how you developed, and you carry these in you unknowingly ... like a virus.

Read that thread i linked.

 

I totally agree with waiting a while to have a child. It feels like a battle when my mom think about life so terribly vs the way I think life is. It's really hard, I fee like I'm suffering the longer I stay here. I'm moving out because I want to have a happy/normal life that I know is healthy for me. My mom got upset when I told her that I cannot handle being in this negative home and that it's time I leave to have my own life.

Related to the above, do you know why your mom has such a bad view of life ?

Because she might have been exposed to bad things, which shaped her view of the world.

She told you that she envies your strength, did that not amaze you ?

Because she does.

It's just that she never questioned things, and allowed them to change her.

When she adopted this bad view of the world, she let through her reality filter only those things that validate her view.

Here's a good question, why is it that your siblings are takers and you are a giver ?

Think about this one.

 

She got upset but oh well, their will be a time when she'll understand..for her sake. My bf shows her the upmost respect but I feel as if I have to protect/shield our relationship from my mom.

Maybe, it's not sure.

 

Read that thread i linked, it's a bit long but it was one of the best threads i saw on these forums.

It starts off slow, but later on it becomes a very interesting discussion.

[pink_sugar]

I agree. My H and I both have toxic parents and for this reason have put off having children for awhile to heal and better ourselves so we do not make the same mistakes. I am 23 and don't plan on having children until close to 30.

[jocy_20]

My mom has a bad view on life because of how her parents treated her. She said she was molested growing up and her mm never believed her and told my mom that the only thing she do is tell lies and fantasize. My mom said she would never forget whather mother would say to her.

 

Their is so much stuff she told me but I do not want to expose all of her past and how she had suffered. I do know this, my grandmother told her children that she wish she never had kids and that she was a bad mother but she nly admitted tht when my mom, uncle and aunt ganged togethe to tell her. My grandmother is stubborn but I love her, just like I love my mom.

 

I realize that my mom is messed up because of her childhood to present day. I just do not want to suffer because of what my mom is dealing with. Today I moved out. We had an arguement but we calmed down and discussed my leaving. She understood that I need to do what i need to to do to make myself happy and to save what little relationship that we have.

 

I hate arguements but that is how my mom can get things out because she can't have a descent convo without playing the victim and talking about the past. Either way it' difficult but we came to an understanding about what I want to do. It kind of shocked me when my mom said she envied me about my strengths.

[Radu]

 

I hate arguements but that is how my mom can get things out because she can't have a descent convo without playing the victim and talking about the past. Either way it' difficult but we came to an understanding about what I want to do. It kind of shocked me when my mom said she envied me about my strengths.

 

She was serious.

 

If she can understand that there is something wong with her, there is a chance that some day she may have a normal healthy life.

 

Unfortunately, if she doesn't truly want this, nobody can force it on her.

[pink_sugar]

It sounds like your mom has her own issues and you definitely aren't to blame. Your mom admitting she admires you really says a lot. But you cannot change her viewpoint on life, unfortunately. She will need to try and stop playing the victim if she wants to change her life, but that is up to her. You did the right thing by leaving the toxic situation. I also had to move out at 18 for my own sanity. See a therapist if you can and you will eventually be able to separate yourself from the drama at home and see your mom's problems have nothing to do with you and to accept the person she is. It's easier to do when you've been living away from home.

[Mittens]

Even though this sounds weird, your thread has been a relief to me. Because my mother is exactly the same as yours...she claims to have been abused as a child by her brother - but then allowed her 3 children to spend extended periods of time alone with this person when we were all under 10? - and has said that her parents didn't believe her either.

 

Two of your sentences really resonated with me: "I realize that my mom is messed up because of her childhood to present day. I just do not want to suffer because of what my mom is dealing with" and "she can't have a descent convo without playing the victim and talking about the past"

 

I now live 17,000 miles away from my mother because I was tired of her playing the victim and martyr. In the space of a year, I got divorced and was diagnosed with cancer...I was only 21. For the first time in my life, I looked to my mother for some comfort and support...and she made it all about her. That was when she first came out with the abuse story. I couldn't believe it. She was basically saying "you think you've got it bad right now, I suffered 50 years ago" Instead of being a source of support, she actually made things far worse. I ended up having a massive nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. All my mother cared about was the fact that I was seeing a psychiatrist, because "she didn't want me saying bad things about her"

 

The psychiatrist was a godsend, he made me realise that I didn't have to put up with her toxicity anymore. I still care about my mother, and I am there for her when she really needs me. In 2009 I spent over £2000 flying out to see her when she had a heart scare...but I would NEVER live near her again.

 

Like pink_sugar said, being away from home will let you see the wood for the trees. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[turnera]

So you moved out. Are you still paying for everything?

[jocy_20]

She was serious.

 

If she can understand that there is something wong with her, there is a chance that some day she may have a normal healthy life.

 

Unfortunately, if she doesn't truly want this, nobody can force it on her.

 

 

I totally know and agree with that. I felt like I was forced(by her) to convince her this but it never got better.

[jocy_20]

So you moved out. Are you still paying for everything?

 

 

No I do not but she did ask me tp pay for the lightbill that's due. I don't want to but I was staying their so I'm going to. My brother and I are splitting the bill.

[jocy_20]

Even though this sounds weird, your thread has been a relief to me. Because my mother is exactly the same as yours...she claims to have been abused as a child by her brother - but then allowed her 3 children to spend extended periods of time alone with this person when we were all under 10? - and has said that her parents didn't believe her either.

 

Two of your sentences really resonated with me: "I realize that my mom is messed up because of her childhood to present day. I just do not want to suffer because of what my mom is dealing with" and "she can't have a descent convo without playing the victim and talking about the past"

 

I now live 17,000 miles away from my mother because I was tired of her playing the victim and martyr. In the space of a year, I got divorced and was diagnosed with cancer...I was only 21. For the first time in my life, I looked to my mother for some comfort and support...and she made it all about her. That was when she first came out with the abuse story. I couldn't believe it. She was basically saying "you think you've got it bad right now, I suffered 50 years ago" Instead of being a source of support, she actually made things far worse. I ended up having a massive nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. All my mother cared about was the fact that I was seeing a psychiatrist, because "she didn't want me saying bad things about her"

 

The psychiatrist was a godsend, he made me realise that I didn't have to put up with her toxicity anymore. I still care about my mother, and I am there for her when she really needs me. In 2009 I spent over £2000 flying out to see her when she had a heart scare...but I would NEVER live near her again.

 

Like pink_sugar said, being away from home will let you see the wood for the trees. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

The bad things that have happenesd to me like, struggling with college, relationship problems or anything really,..my mom can make it about her. Saying things like "well I had it worse.." "I don't know why u don't understand because I clearly do.." things like that. I love her too but I;m glad Pink Sugar said something about the trees and the woods thing..

 

It makes me feel better. I felt slightly guilty for leaving on the circumstances that we were in but I have to worry about me. Oh and when I tell(told) my mom that she get angry and say "I DO TOO, YOU AINT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S TIRED!!!!"....