road Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 WW/WH can you remember your affair from long ago? Many a BS hears I don't remember when they ask the WS about the affair. Many wayward spouses claim they can't remember when asked for details by their betrayed spouse. Thing is when a BS finds out that their WS cheated 20 years ago it is brand new to the BS. Though it is old news to the WS and the WS has done their best to put the events out of their mind. Blocking the memories. I can't see how a WS can not recall what happened if they made an effort to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 What is one of the most common lies WSs tell? --> "I don't remember". At one point I handed my wife some printed directions to a hotel I found in her truck. Q:"What was this for? Were you visiting some people from a conference? If so what conference?" A:"I don't remember". Later she admitted it had been the hotel they went to during the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 It's like adding "... in bed" to a fortune cookie to make it funny. Now, do it every time they say "I don't remember" you just add "... what I told you last time". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 What is one of the most common lies WSs tell? --> "I don't remember". At one point I handed my wife some printed directions to a hotel I found in her truck. Q:"What was this for? Were you visiting some people from a conference? If so what conference?" A:"I don't remember". Later she admitted it had been the hotel they went to during the affair. This thread is not to bash WS's. This thread is not about only showing how a WS remembers something when confronted with evidence. This thread is about how much WS's were able to recall after many years after the affair was over. Responses without timelines as in your case how long from dday was the reciept found and when WW admitted she went to a hotel, are useless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 Only liars "can't remember." This thread is find out from WS and their BS as to recall a long time after the affair was over. Bashing WS does not provide helpful information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 20 years ago, sure it's possible that all the details wouldn't be remembered. Especially if one has felt a lot of guilt about it, I can see how someone would banish every thought of it away. I certainly don't remember all the details of my previous relationships, even my marriage. Really who does? This thread is not to speculate what can be or can't be remembered by a WS. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 road, My H's 3 brief flings occurred in the early years of our marriage when our kids were young. He only got caught during the 3rd fling. When confronted on d-day he lied and said it was only a ONS, and the only time he had ever been unfaithful to me. Since the kids were young and I was a SAHM, I decided to give him another chance. Fast forward about 18 years, kids out of HS, H says he needs to talk to me!! He sat me down and said he couldn't stand to live with the lies between us anymore. He confessed the whole truth of his cheating days and answered any/all questions I had! He did remember exactly who, when, and where all the flings occurred.(not actual dates, more of a timeline in our lives) It is very common directly after d-day for a WS to lie, deny, or minimize all events, especially of they want to stay married to the BS. But for a BS who found out years later, the FWS still should be able to give you a timeline within your own marriage and general answers of who, when, and where. If they can't/won't provide any of that, I would be very worried that they are lying to either protect themselves, or their AP! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Maybe he's had so MANY affairs over the years that the ones from 20 years ago have been buried? Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 This thread is not to bash WS's. This thread is not about only showing how a WS remembers something when confronted with evidence. This thread is about how much WS's were able to recall after many years after the affair was over. Responses without timelines as in your case how long from dday was the reciept found and when WW admitted she went to a hotel, are useless. Ok, the directions were from probably about 2-3 months before when I originally found them. It was about 4 months later when I found more conclusive proof that she admitted the truth about it. If you only wanted to focus on 20+ year cases then I'm sorry. Fact still remains though that "I don't remember" is one of the most common lies, even if it isn't always a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 WW/WH can you remember your affair from long ago? Many a BS hears I don't remember when they ask the WS about the affair. Many wayward spouses claim they can't remember when asked for details by their betrayed spouse. Thing is when a BS finds out that their WS cheated 20 years ago it is brand new to the BS. Though it is old news to the WS and the WS has done their best to put the events out of their mind. Blocking the memories. I can't see how a WS can not recall what happened if they made an effort to do so. Interesting thread, road. Memory is a very tricky field of study, as in, if I tell myself something enough times my memory will believe it to be true or not true...certainly as more and more time passes from the events. I believe if someone can compartmentalize to the point of having an affair, it should not surprise anyone that they can compartmentalize the memory of it after the affair too. But the question that lingers is, is the lack of memory intentional and still deceptive, or truly not remembered because they do not want to or choose not to. Big difference. I'm sure receipts and cell phone bills can jog forgotten moments. But years later? It all depends on how they stored the thoughts. Positive memories, and traumas, will be remembered down to the last detail. Something filtered through shame, or not having great import, not so much. Again, it's about the ability of some to compartmentalize it all away. However, they should when pressed still be able to remember key events leading up to the affair, and how the affair made them feel during and afterwards. Feelings are much harder to forget than details and timelines of specifics years later, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 road, My H's 3 brief flings occurred in the early years of our marriage when our kids were young. He only got caught during the 3rd fling. When confronted on d-day he lied and said it was only a ONS, and the only time he had ever been unfaithful to me. Since the kids were young and I was a SAHM, I decided to give him another chance. Fast forward about 18 years, kids out of HS, H says he needs to talk to me!! He sat me down and said he couldn't stand to live with the lies between us anymore. He confessed the whole truth of his cheating days and answered any/all questions I had! He did remember exactly who, when, and where all the flings occurred.(not actual dates, more of a timeline in our lives) It is very common directly after d-day for a WS to lie, deny, or minimize all events, especially of they want to stay married to the BS. But for a BS who found out years later, the FWS still should be able to give you a timeline within your own marriage and general answers of who, when, and where. If they can't/won't provide any of that, I would be very worried that they are lying to either protect themselves, or their AP! Were there questions that you got any I don't remembers? Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 abelincoln, Was your question directed to me? If so, no, there was not any kind of event that happened at the time he chose to confess.(the kids had graduated) I think the reason he felt so guilty was he knew, in his heart, I would have divorced him many years ago if I had known the whole truth back then. He felt bad taking my choice away years ago and wanted to try and make it up to me.(by this time we had many happy years since d-day) To be honest, the first thought that entered my mind when he confessed was: he saved himself 18 years of child support!:lmao:( H has always been very tight and thrifty with his money.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 road, No, the only time I heard that was directly after d-day many years ago. He sat down and we discussed everything, including why he acted that way back then.(the whys) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Yes... As a BS I remember a ton of details from 28 years ago - and again from 8 years ago. IF he doesn't remember it (which I'm sure he does) he never wanted to discuss it. Much of MY reason for not reconciling the second time was because he never wanted to discuss it the first time he cheated. In fact, I counseling, he actually said to the counselor "do we REALLY need to keep talking about this - I'm done talking about it and I'm over it"! I had info I never told him I had - he never intended to admit anything - and never considered MY feelings. The second timeifou doubt - I WAS OVER IT - so much so that I divorced HIM without asking ANY questions! He begged me to stay - I told him no way! I was DONE ALLOWING HIM TO HURT ME! Nothing he could say would have changed my mind - I tookMY power back. It's been very freeing! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 sunny, That's a good point to make for everyone! If the WS isn't remorseful, will not talk about it, will not examine why he/she acted that way, then reconciliation isn't possible! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 A bit off topic, but I fully believe that any wayward who won't go to his/her parents and tell them the truth of what they did, can't reconcile, either. It will never be a good marriage if they won't agree to it. The humility has to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 WW/WH can you remember your affair from long ago? Many a BS hears I don't remember when they ask the WS about the affair. Many wayward spouses claim they can't remember when asked for details by their betrayed spouse. Thing is when a BS finds out that their WS cheated 20 years ago it is brand new to the BS. Though it is old news to the WS and the WS has done their best to put the events out of their mind. Blocking the memories. I can't see how a WS can not recall what happened if they made an effort to do so. My wife confessed after 8 years of rug sweeping so I got many "I don't remember" responses. It was very aggravating. I do see it both ways. 8 years is a long time, especially if the WS suppressed it for many years. The other side is for most people an affair is kinda a big deal! It is a defining moment in a person's life to decide to put on that scarlet letter. Whatever is going through the WS's mind I would think it would be memorable; akin to losing one's virginity. My memory from that period is blurry too, but it was also mostly daily routine stuff; not sneaking around cheating and lying. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 AL, No drugs or alcohol were used in any of my H's brief flings(or his co-workers), as they all occurred at their place of business, during regular business hours. No, he didn't have any reason to rewrite the events, as we had been reconcilied and happy for many years by then. Plus, I received lots of info from the other wives back then about their H's ways and means of cheating during business hours. His story matched all of theirs exactly! All of the sex occurred in back rooms/offices or in their cars in the company parking lot. I agree that the intensity of the hidden/forbidden acts does INCREASE the odds of the WS remembering them, even years afterwards! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 No, it just means that he has deliberately chosen to not be 100% honest with you, to withhold part of himself from you. THAT is what he is willing to commit to a marriage. It's all you get. I know lots of men like that. The marriage is for the convenience of having a marriage and love and reputation and sex and all that, and the remaining part of himself that he doesn't share with you is his personal 'space.' Link to post Share on other sites
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