Wife Wants a Divorce

[Wrecked123]

About 3 weeks ago my wife told me that she wants a divorce and does not want to work on things. It came as quite a shock since I didnt know she was unhappy and thought that things were ok. She said that she is a completely different person now and has been unhappy for six years now and just realized it recently.

 

I always thought she was quite happy as did my friends and family. We have been together for 8 years now (living together for 7) and just got married just under two years ago. I am not sure how she can say that she has been unhappy for six years now when she pushed so hard to get married two years ago saying that she loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

I have been working up north in a camp job 9 days up here and 5 days off back at home for about 2 and a half years now to save money to build the foundation for a solid future for us. She seemed happy up until a week before she told me when she suddenly got all cold when I came home from work. Her wanting a divorce has really caught me by surprise and I am having a hard time coping with it.

 

Prior to her telling me she was still saying how much she loved me and was all excited that we were planning on buying a house soon and was excited about our upcomming vacation in October. When I left to go to work she seemed fine and then over the tour when I was at work something changed in her.

 

She does not want to try marriage councelling and when I ask her why she's unhappy she just says she doesnt want to be married anymore and that she feels she lost all of her 20's with me. She says that she never got to live on her own or got to experience dating other guys. She says she's just unhappy and wants out.

 

I don't know what to do. We have always got along good, done lots of things together going out and stuff, before she even said that I was also her best friend and she was mine. She says she doesn't want me to change and does not want to work on things. She just wants a divorce and to be on her own. I offered to move back home to a city job to be home everynight but she said she does not want that and needs more space.

 

I also recently lost my Shepherd Collie 2 months ago that was always with me for 16 years since I was 15 who was very dear to me and am having a difficult time coping with both losses now. It feels like I just lost the only two things I really cared about in life. Just don't know what to do since I love her very much and would be willing to change anything to make her happy.

[standtall]

Wrecked..where is her new male "friend" at? I bet there is someone new, unless.....

 

You've been beating her a**, yelling at her too much, she is beatin your a**, she is yelling at you too much, somebody is hitting the cheeba or jagerbombs, or she or you are off your respective meds.

[the ill-made knight]

She says that she never got to live on her own or got to experience dating other guys.

 

I hate to say this, but it sounds like there is someone else. This reeks of affair. All of a sudden she's unhappy, doesn't want to work on things at all, and is also rewriting history i.e. she's been unhappy for six years.

 

I would be willing to bet too that the affair started when you started working off.

[carhill]

My sympathies regarding the loss of your beloved pet.

 

 

Regarding your wife, move her stuff out and file for divorce. Do it tomorrow. The quicker she moves on to experiencing other men, the sooner you can recover financially and emotionally and move on yourself.

[K Os]

I'm sorry to say I agree with other posters above. Having been reading this forum for some months, and seeing many other similar stories, my own included, it sounds as if something happened with another man while you were working away. It might be an emotional rather than a physical affair.

 

Let her get on with it, whatever it is. She will anyway. Spare yourself as much pain as possible. Detach emotionally as much as you can, and look after yourself. If she comes around or if she doesn't, its the best way forward for you.

[K Os]

coops - no, you're quite right, it doesn't automatically mean there's someone else involved, it's just a percentage call as you say. I'm still baffled as to what my wife was/is involved in, and I'm generously still prepared to put her in that 1% category.

 

And yes, imho there is a difference between an emotional affair and a physical one. I think this varies a lot in perception from person to person, though. From my point of view, an 'emotional' affair that didn't get physical would be just as painful for me to deal with, but probably easier to forgive and recover from than one that did get physical. That's just me. Because of my own personal history, evidence of a physical, sexual relationship is one of my cutoff points, and I would file for divorce at that point.

[Steen719]

I'm sorry to say I agree with other posters above. Having been reading this forum for some months, and seeing many other similar stories, my own included, it sounds as if something happened with another man while you were working away. It might be an emotional rather than a physical affair.

 

Let her get on with it, whatever it is. She will anyway. Spare yourself as much pain as possible. Detach emotionally as much as you can, and look after yourself. If she comes around or if she doesn't, its the best way forward for you.

 

See the bolded? I think that is an important thing to do, no matter what the issue is (and I am sorry, but I do think, according to your story, that is what it is). If she has decided that she does not love you anymore, tell her to go. Begging and pleading will not make her stay and will make you feel worse about yourself and most importantly, not change her mind. Let "whatever it is" run its course. You may or may not want her back at that point.

 

So sorry about your dog. I understand; it is a real loss.

 

Keep your chin up and move forward. Sorry you are here.

[GuyInLimbo]

My sympathies regarding the loss of your beloved pet.

 

 

Regarding your wife, move her stuff out and file for divorce. Do it tomorrow. The quicker she moves on to experiencing other men, the sooner you can recover financially and emotionally and move on yourself.

 

 

This. Although I'm a newbie here, my immediate thought was that she is having an affair. That's backed up by her complaining she hasn't experienced other men. Sounds like you guys may have gotten married too young. I don't know. But, if you don't have any kids, move on now. You're young. Don't waste some of the best years of your life with someone who is not into you and quite possibly cheating on you. Her "resentments" are not going away.

 

Good luck, bro. And my condolences on the passing of your dog. I'm sure that's taken a toll on you.

[karnak]

From your story it seems the typical "affair" situation.

 

No-one leaves a happy marriage just like that. There's gotta be another man.

 

The Long-Distance could be a factor if you weren't married. Now that you are, that no longer applies.

 

It seems you don't have kids. Is that correct?

 

And, trust me, she has been thinking about leaving you for a long time. She has been only keeping a happy facade until the time was right for her to jump ship.

 

I know my post may sound tough and brutal. But I've been seeing LS posts since 2009 (if memory serves me right). And believe me, I've read too much messed-up **** here concerning what "loving wives and husbands" do their spouses.

 

Remember: you can't change or force a person's mind or emotions. They have to change by their own personal decision.

 

I think you should expect the worst scenario possible: an affair. If she isn't cheating on you then kudos to her: she's an honest and decent woman.

If she has (or is interested on) another man, then you're psichologically ready for the worst outcome.

 

Some people here will certainly help you better than I can. Stay tuned for some good (and bad) advices here. And always trust your instincts.

[worldgonewrong]

First of all, Wrecked123, I'm sorry. Very sorry. And I know it sounds terrible, but welcome to the club.

Second, read a whole bunch of posts. Eventually you'll see -- once your initial shock subsides -- how friggin' textbook your situation sadly is. EVERY gal and guy who is kicked to the curb understandably feels their situation is unique; but if you read the slew of posts here (and I've been here since about January 2011), you will be shocked by the similar strands that run through 95% of these stories. Sad, but true.

So in some small way, you will eventually take comfort in how textbook this is. Not today or tomorrow, but down the line. Trust me.

 

She does not want to try marriage councelling and when I ask her why she's unhappy she just says she doesnt want to be married anymore and that she feels she lost all of her 20's with me. She says that she never got to live on her own or got to experience dating other guys. She says she's just unhappy and wants out.

 

^^^

Similar strand appeared in my marriage, tho not directly in those words.

My mother-in-law (God love her piggy face) once said, 'jokingly', in front of my wife, "haha, you got the best years of her life!" (meaning her 20's)

What an ignorant f*cking thing to say. And I believed that planted the seed of discontent.

Anyway, I've been there, and I'm STILL here. But feel free to use me (and a host of other cool folks here) as a sounding board.

[96nole]

 

 

 

She does not want to try marriage councelling and when I ask her why she's unhappy she just says she doesnt want to be married anymore and that she feels she lost all of her 20's with me. She says that she never got to live on her own or got to experience dating other guys. She says she's just unhappy and wants out.

 

 

Find the other man and you'll find the source of what you have written above. Look up the 180 and do it.

 

She's already rewriting history (she hasn't been happy for 6 years). Don't be surprised if she starts blaming you for everything. If there is an OM, ( I think there is) she's not going to want everyone to think she is just a whore. So she'll have to blame you somehow. You didn't do this, you didn't do that, you weren't this, you weren't that...etc.

 

You obviously have 1000's of questions. She's not going to give you the whole truth, if any at all. Go by her actions, not her words.

 

Unfortunately, you can't make her stay. And quite frankly, you don't want her to in the state of mind she is in. She thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, or with someone else. She might find out it's not. She may want to come back. At that point it's up to you if you want her back. She will have to earn it.

 

Sorry about your dog. I believe in time you'll find your dog will be a bigger loss than your wife.

[worldgonewrong]

96nole is spot on.

[ver13]

Based off what you have written here so far there's not much left for you to do. No matter what her reasons are for wanting to get a D this is what she is telling you that she needs to do. So let her do it, I would let her know that this is something that you really don't want to do but at the end of the day she is not a hostage. Tell her that you feel that this thing that she is asking for is a mistake from your point of view. Then start getting your affairs in order ie... new bank account and legal advice. No matter what happens you need to be prepared for whatever comes your way. Sorry to hear about your friend I lost mine 2yrs ago still feel for him today, that being said life moves on and so should you. Looks like your W feels that she is missing out on something and the only way she will find out is to get out there on her own. You never know where life will take you but in the end you are the one that got you there, you tell her to think about that on the way out the door.

[Hawaii50]

first things first, get a job under the table.

[worldgonewrong]

Looks like your W feels that she is missing out on something and the only way she will find out is to get out there on her own. You never know where life will take you but in the end you are the one that got you there, you tell her to think about that on the way out the door.

 

That's nice, but I don't think cheaters are that philosophical.

She'll hear, "blablablaGOblabaTOblablaNEWblablablaPENIS."

[Steen719]

That's nice, but I don't think cheaters are that philosophical.

She'll hear, "blablablaGOblabaTOblablaNEWblablablaPENIS."

 

WGW.....you are too funny!!!!!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao: It took me a minute!

[96nole]

That's nice, but I don't think cheaters are that philosophical.

She'll hear, "blablablaGOblabaTOblablaNEWblablablaPENIS."

 

Standing ovation. Good job sir!

[KatZee]

This. Although I'm a newbie here, my immediate thought was that she is having an affair. That's backed up by her complaining she hasn't experienced other men. Sounds like you guys may have gotten married too young. I don't know. But, if you don't have any kids, move on now. You're young. Don't waste some of the best years of your life with someone who is not into you and quite possibly cheating on you. Her "resentments" are not going away.

 

Good luck, bro. And my condolences on the passing of your dog. I'm sure that's taken a toll on you.

 

I'm another one who has to agree.

 

Everyone uses this excuse "I haven't experienced anything else..."

 

My ex pulled the same line. We weren't married, but it was a LTR... he too used this line. lo and behold... there was someone else.

 

I really wish they would come up with better lines, or just be truthful about it.

 

As with what everyone else said, leave her to it. Don't chase after her. Don't beg or plead, this will work against you. Shut it down. She already said she doesn't want to try. Doesn't want counseling, doesn't want you to change. There is nothing for YOU to do.

[96nole]

I'm another one who has to agree.

 

Everyone uses this excuse "I haven't experienced anything else..."

 

My ex pulled the same line. We weren't married, but it was a LTR... he too used this line. lo and behold... there was someone else.

 

I really wish they would come up with better lines, or just be truthful about it.

 

As with what everyone else said, leave her to it. Don't chase after her. Don't beg or plead, this will work against you. Shut it down. She already said she doesn't want to try. Doesn't want counseling, doesn't want you to change. There is nothing for YOU to do.

 

There's nothing he can do.

 

Let's keep with the assumption there is another man. Whatever the wife complained about, the OM would simply say that he would never do that.

Wife: I hate the way my husband does this...

OM: I would never do that

Wife: I wish my husband would do this...

OM: I would always do that..

etc...etc....etc

Now the wife thinks the husband is a piece of crap and that the sun shines out the ass of the OM.

 

And the whole time this is happening, our OP was off working his butt off trying to make a better future for him and his wife. He was thinking of the two of them. She was only thinking of herself.

[karnak]

There's nothing he can do.

 

Let's keep with the assumption there is another man. Whatever the wife complained about, the OM would simply say that he would never do that.

Wife: I hate the way my husband does this...

OM: I would never do that

Wife: I wish my husband would do this...

OM: I would always do that..

etc...etc....etc

Now the wife thinks the husband is a piece of crap and that the sun shines out the ass of the OM.

 

And the whole time this is happening, our OP was off working his butt off trying to make a better future for him and his wife. He was thinking of the two of them. She was only thinking of herself.

 

I'm not really sure it works that way.

 

From what most women told me (and from what I could learn by experience) usually, when a woman lets herself be approached and seduced by another man, she's already questioning the relationship.

 

Women are very protective and exclusive when they feel they're in love with a guy. Later, when the realationship begins to get "boring" or they're not satisfied they start the seduction game.

 

I've never managed to find a guy who was able to seduce a woman who was 100% into the relationship.

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm not really sure it works that way.

 

From what most women told me (and from what I could learn by experience) usually, when a woman lets herself be approached and seduced by another man, she's already questioning the relationship.

 

Women are very protective and exclusive when they feel they're in love with a guy. Later, when the realationship begins to get "boring" or they're not satisfied they start the seduction game.

 

I've never managed to find a guy who was able to seduce a woman who was 100% into the relationship.

 

Agreed. That's why I chuckle when women, especially in my observations, blame someone else for "stealing" their guy. No guy (or gal) can be stolen if they are truly happy. They're already looking for a way out.

[karnak]

Agreed. That's why I chuckle when women, especially in my observations, blame someone else for "stealing" their guy. No guy (or gal) can be stolen if they are truly happy. They're already looking for a way out.

 

Even though I think women try to protect the integrity of the relationship more.

 

We guys usually manage to respect the relationship and yet keep the company of friends of the same or opposite sex.

 

Women most of the times cease all contact with other men (even gay friends) so that their man won't feel jealous. They even cut contact with the girl friends (in order to avoid close contact between their man and other women).

[K Os]

I really wish they would come up with better lines, or just be truthful about it.

 

God yes. That's it exactly. In spades.

[96nole]

I'm not really sure it works that way.

 

From what most women told me (and from what I could learn by experience) usually, when a woman lets herself be approached and seduced by another man, she's already questioning the relationship.

 

Women are very protective and exclusive when they feel they're in love with a guy. Later, when the realationship begins to get "boring" or they're not satisfied they start the seduction game.

 

I've never managed to find a guy who was able to seduce a woman who was 100% into the relationship.

 

Of course it can work that way. I watched a guy at work do that to some of the women that worked with us. I know one of the women is still with her husband. Most LTR are vulnerable at some point. There will be boring times. It can't be exiting everyday. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. And that's the point when the right dirtbag with the right words can move in.

 

Is that the script of how every affair starts? Of course not. But I wouldn't be surprised if that's how this one happened.

[g450]

Sorry for your pain Wrecked. I can relate.

 

As others have said, they most likely is another man. I would start investigating.

 

Coopster has a point as well. Sometimes people just fall out of love like my XW did but even in that case there was an other man that pushed things along. I just didnt find this out until after the divorce. As he said himself, 99% of the time there is an OM.

 

You need to find out if there is if you want to fight for your marriage. If not then it's a moot point. Let her go. Especially if you two dont have kids. You dont want to wind up paying child support for her lovers kids if she has one right?

 

Now look at the bright side. Better now than late in life. You are still young so it's better to find out now rather than at age 40 or 50 like I did.