He and his W are having a child. UGH. <update: no pregnancy>

[rhw]

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!

 

just learned--not confirmed through him as i am not talking to him-- that he and his W are having a child. UGH. she is much too old (approaching 50!). he has a D in her teens from his 1st marriage whom i miss and never get to talk to or see anymore (and havent' since she was in 2nd grade). up til now they had no kids together and they've been married almost 9 years. i was told last year they are not having children- mutual decision. i know this because i told him last year if they ever had kids together, he better not name them the names i wanted for our kids. that's when he said, "____ and i are NOT having kids."

 

i think my insides just went up in flames and not for a good reason. i do not wish them well and i sincerely hope she miscarries. i hate for that to happen to an innocent baby but before this baby enters this world, i hope she loses it. i know it's mean to say, i know it's vicious but i can barely process being left like that, the way he did. to find out they are expecting?! AUUUUUUUUUGH... i just want to shrivel up and disappear.

[rhw]

bent- my heart does not usually work this way. i would never wish harm on a child. i work with them. i spend every day with them. please understand that the only reason i feel this way is that all these years, the only thing keeping him from leaving was his lack of spine but i never stopped believing that one day he would eventually get tired of living a lie. and because they had no kids together (just his from his 1st marriage), leaving wouldn't be too devastating. now she's gone and gotten knocked up (his fault too), and ensnared him permanently. he's never ever gonna leave now.

 

*cries* *sobs* *wails* NOOOOOOOOOO!!! and i swear i am going to be f'ing PISSED if he gives their kid the name i wanted for ours (Elliot).

 

LFH- let's just say, i had to do some fb stalking and that's how i learned. she has a product site via fb through which she posts her homemade products and on the jars were ribbons that say "it's a boy!" and the display was set up to be all professional looking and cutesy. unless it's a gift for a friend who's expecting, i'm almost certain it's THEM. but she's SO old.

[CarrieT]

LFH- let's just say, i had to do some fb stalking and that's how i learned. she has a product site via fb through which she posts her homemade products and on the jars were ribbons that say "it's a boy!" and the display was set up to be all professional looking and cutesy. unless it's a gift for a friend who's expecting, i'm almost certain it's THEM. but she's SO old.

 

So you really don't know, do you?

 

This is a pretty big leap and an over-reaction on your part, don't you think?

[rhw]

So you really don't know, do you?

 

This is a pretty big leap and an over-reaction on your part, don't you think?

 

i'm waiting to see who comments on the pictures of the stupid "it's a boy" ribbons. one "congratulations" will spell it all out for me.

 

he SWORE he was never having kids w/ her. i knew they were still sleeping together. he never said they weren't, but he did tell me recently that it was me he kept thinking about during. i guess it all makes sense with him ghosting on me. she probably told him and he must've been sooooo over the moon. he did want more kids.

 

she's much too old to be having a child at her age, closer to menopause than being of safe childbearing age. and he SWORE they were never having kids. i hate him so much right now.

[rhw]

her child is a way to trap him. they've had so many problems in their M in recent years. and now recently with him seeing me again and again and again and what would've been a 4th time, she knows who i am and what i am to him. she had to have sensed him pulling away yet again and because he has no other OW--that it's *always* been me in direct competition for him, she probably felt he was being pulled back into my/our world again. she also knows he would never leave if she were carrying his child.

 

well congratulations MM... you ****ing prick. and congratulations you ugly*** W of his...

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!! i just want to throw things...

 

rationally i don't wish harm on any child, particularly an unborn one but i'm not feeling very rational right now, bent. please, please understand that. i'm feeling like everything i ever hoped for is now officially done.

 

the only good thing--the ONLY-- is that when there is a child involved, i always told myself if they ever had kids together, that would be the end for me. i will not break up a child's home. (his D from his previous M knew me, loved me, wanted me for her mom but well all kids say that, my kids at work say that! so i didn't put much stock into her sentiments, but we were close, i loved her as my own, still do even though i havent' seen her in years). if he were to leave his W, yes it would suck for his D but it wouldn't really tear her entire world apart the way it would if MM and his W had a child and he walked away from the family this child grew up to know.

 

so this is really the end of the road. there's no going forward, there's no hoping. he and i are through completely ****ing through. and now i have to shut him out of mine forever. i will not let him come back. i will not allow him to do this to his own family.

[Fitz]

the only good thing--the ONLY-- is that when there is a child involved, i always told myself if they ever had kids together, that would be the end for me. i will not break up a child's home.

 

Why did you draw the line at prenancy? So she's pregnant. So what?

 

I don't understand why it's so emotionally charged for you. Why does it strike such a nerve?

 

It's great that you've decided to move on. But I suspect your anger at the pregnancy reflects a deeper truth about your feelings.

[whichwayisup]

please understand that the only reason i feel this way is that all these years, the only thing keeping him from leaving was his lack of spine but i never stopped believing that one day he would eventually get tired of living a lie.

 

Which lie did he live? The one with you or the one with his wife who is having their child?

 

I understand your pain, heartache, anger, resentment, jealously..You're in shock and reacting on pure emotion right now and I pray deep down you don't mean some of what you've said. Get angry at him, he's the one who has led you on, given you a fantasy dream life that is never going to happen. Not his wife nor this innocent unborn baby. Wishing that kind of harm isn't good karma and isn't good for you overall to think/wish stuff like that. I'm a strong believer of what you put out there (energy wise) comes back 100 times harder and bites real bad.

 

Seek some therapy if you can't cope with this in a healthier way.

[rhw]

because... you'd have to be a fly on the wall for the conversation that ensued between us months ago. he asked where the 2 names that i always imagined for our kids came from, why those names. i told him. he laughed and said he likes them. asked where all this was years ago. he assured me he and his W were *NOT* having children together. at this point, he took me home and instead of kissing me, rubbed his thumb across my lips and looked at me longingly. and then we saw each other again. and then we were gonna see each other again after that. he never officially said, "i'm leaving" but the more he was seeing me, the more he was realizing that finally we were on the same page. i wanted kids with him. I WANT his kids, i want to carry his kids and i wanted to raise kids w/ him. and things seemed to be going well. and that's when he f'ing disappeared on me w/o a word or anything. (it all makes sense now i guess. she had to have told him).

 

point is, yes, a pregnancy was where i drew the line because as long as they didn't have kids together and i knew that he wasn't completely happy, he was fair game and i would be here waiting. i always believed he would be back. now i know it's over. forever. i am never talking to him again, never gonna hear him laugh, never gonna feel his arms around me or his mouth on mine, never gonna be comforted by him again on a crappy day... and most of all, NEVER gonna have kids with him.

 

he changed my whole world. before him, all i saw were my goals and ambitions and i am well on my way to making one of them come true and the other, well only time will tell if i can still throw like i used to. (that i want to be an Olympian thing i dreamed at age 5). he was disappointed in me when i quit for a while, said he didn't fall in love with a quitter and that i wasn't one. recently took that up again and am rebuilding upper body strength to throw again. anyway, when he came into my world, i was willing to choose motherhood/parenthood with him over the career ambition i've held my entire life. i was still willing to up until i found this out. i'm young enough unlike HER where even a good 6 years down the line, i'm safe to conceive naturally if 6 years were what it took to wait for him to get his **** together and come back to me. i was willing. i wanted that with him. he wanted that with ME. it wasn't future faking. we knew and only now were we finally on the same page.

 

now it's all over, all up in smoke, evaporated. nothing left to hold on to. all hope gone. i hate him for it. and now i still won't even get a goodbye.

[rhw]

so far though, i still don't know for CERTAIN that it's theirs. no one has commented on the picture i saw but it turns my stomach. the last time i overreacted to apparently nothing was when i accidentally saw a CL posting looking for an A that sounded 1) a lot like the way he writes and 2) his description. i was livid. i mean, livid. i should've known he wouldn't have. that there was no other woman besides me. (i found out when i responded to the ad asking the poster why it sounded a lot like someone i knew. poster verified that it was in fact NOT my MM at all.

 

so yes, my brain has a way of jumping to conclusions. i acknowledge that. this could still very well be just a picture his W posted on her product page of a gift for a friend who is expecting, NOT them. and my brain just saw it and overreacted.

 

or it could finally be for real that this is over, and THAT is what i'm having the hardest time with. everything up in smoke. i hate him.

[whichwayisup]

he assured me he and his W were *NOT* having children together

Obviously his word(s) mean nothing. He changed his mind and didn't feel he had to run it by you.

 

I think there were many more lies that he told you, omitted truths too, to keep you in his life, gave you broken promises and hopes for his own selfishness and selfish reasons. Love or not, he has treated you like a piece of crap. DO HATE HIM FOR THIS and use this anger to drive you to get over him and realize he isn't worthy of any of your tears. He's lived a double life for SO LONG and he's scum.

 

I believe once you've grieved this loss and some time has gone by you'll realize how much love, energy, care and time you've wasted on him.

[SoleMate]

her child is a way to trap him....

IFF there is a child, it is NOT hers.

 

It is THEIRS.

 

It is HIS child that HE is having with HER.

 

He married her, he has frequent sex with her......she could get pregnant.....that's normal.

[Tenacity]

yes, a pregnancy was where i drew the line because as long as they didn't have kids together and i knew that he wasn't completely happy, he was fair game and i would be here waiting.

 

He was fair game for what? Leaving? He never left though, did he, even without a baby, so at what point did you think he might leave?

 

He isn't going to leave and be with you, or he would have done so, baby or no baby.... long ago. That is the fact. Eleven YEARS? Wow... I truly feel for you. But yet, when are you going to wake up and see the light? It took me five years and I thought that was forever!

 

For what it's worth, it sounds like you jumped to huge conclusions about her being pregnant in the first place. But either way, it isn't going to change anything.

 

Also, please don't take it out on the baby, or comment that his W is too "old" to have a child. I had a child with my ex-MM while not very much younger than that, and I lost her, but it was not due to my age. Lots of women in their 40's give birth these days.

[rhw]

oh trust me LG, i am at this point right now: **** him and he can **** his W all he wants. all these months i have been going crazy, back and forth between loving him and believing w every ounce of my being that he still loves me, when what he's doing is killing me. i'm so tired of feeling this way when the truth is, I'm young (just hit mid-thirties this year), sexy, very attractive, funny, intelligent, loving, caring, "beautiful" (according to my close friend Rebound Guy), driven, confident and successful. i am everything MM always wanted in a woman. i am everything i am proud to be considering the hell i went through as a child/adolescent. and all these months, i have lost myself completely to where i don't even recognize myself anymore when i look in the mirror.

 

and i'm tired of feeling this way. but i am still in pain because this means it's really over and i have to soldier on and leave the hope of him ever, ever coming back behind. at this point, i don't even want him to come back. **** HIM!!!!

[rhw]

ok, my best friend just did some detective work which was really easy to do and had i seen it, this thread would not have existed.

 

NOT THEIR CHILD. the pic she posted of her product w/ the ribbon on it was one of many party favors for a shower. somehow i had not seen that and of course jumped to conclusions.

 

that said, i'm still DONE feeling like sh*t when everyone in my world agrees that i am so many wonderful things he can never measure up to and incredibly attractive too. (my cousin's words) i'm just so tired, so very tired of not being able to smile or breathe or feel the joy i'm so used to spreading. i'm tired of it all.

 

guess some things are catalysts for change, huh?

 

moderator, please feel free to delete thread. i'm okay.

[Tenacity]

 

The only person who needs to agree that you are "so many wonderful things that he can't measure up to" is YOU.

[ThatJustHappened]

oh trust me LG, i am at this point right now: **** him and he can **** his W all he wants. all these months i have been going crazy, back and forth between loving him and believing w every ounce of my being that he still loves me, when what he's doing is killing me. i'm so tired of feeling this way when the truth is, I'm young (just hit mid-thirties this year), sexy, very attractive, funny, intelligent, loving, caring, "beautiful" (according to my close friend Rebound Guy), driven, confident and successful. i am everything MM always wanted in a woman. i am everything i am proud to be considering the hell i went through as a child/adolescent. and all these months, i have lost myself completely to where i don't even recognize myself anymore when i look in the mirror.

 

and i'm tired of feeling this way. but i am still in pain because this means it's really over and i have to soldier on and leave the hope of him ever, ever coming back behind. at this point, i don't even want him to come back. **** HIM!!!!

 

Really? You were everything he wanted? Seems to me that if that were true, he'd have left his wife for you.

 

Even as a former betrayed girlfriend, I can sometimes find it in my heart to sympathize with a reformed OW/OM (including the one my ex cheated with), but not here. Don't get me wrong, he is just as much at fault as you are..but anyone who uses the term 'fair game' to describe a married man and then tries to play the victim gets my blood boiling. You were a predator, not the prey.

 

I just feel sorry for the poor kid who has to grow up with that sorry excuse for a father.

 

Edit: Good, I'm glad he is not bringing a child into his life.

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a huge favour..Delete him on facebook and block him too. And his wife, this way you're not tempted to lurk.

 

Hope you can continue on your grieving and healing path. Keep using that anger to drive you through this so you can feel more at peace, live life again with a smile on your face.

[rhw]

 

The only person who needs to agree that you are "so many wonderful things that he can't measure up to" is YOU.

 

i do. i always did. it's just that lately i haven't been feeling so great about myself. and i know him better than anyone. our personalities fit. i love the good parts of him and there are many. he is not a complete ass. but now, all his negative traits-the ones i accepted begrudgingly with all the good- are overwhelmingly and blindingly inexcusable now. i'm sick of it. i've HAD enough.

 

and i was everything he wanted but that's a long story i already posted a long time ago and don't need to defend. i am NOT a predator. if you don't know the whole story, please don't assign labels. and he WAS strongly considering leaving. Recently. whatever his reasons, he stayed put. i'm just exhausted and through waiting. i, too, am relieved THEY are not procreating. *yuck* but i'm not going to wait around anymore.

 

@ WWIU- i blocked him on every channel of communication. this is the first time i've ever done that. there is no way for him to reach me now. i don't want to talk to him, i don't want to see him... his W can push out a dozen little horsefaces (my name for her: horseface because she looks like one. no offense to horses but she is completely unattractive) and now i just finally hit my "sick of it all" stage. it's been a long time coming.

Edited August 29, 2012 by rhw

[UpwardForward]

Another poster mentioned he broke up with you five months ago. Is this correct.

[ThatJustHappened]

You're right, I don't know your whole story, but no matter what stories he fed you about the state of his marriage, he wasn't fair game..your use of those words is what makes me angry. I stand by my statement.

 

He may have told you he was considering leaving his marriage, but actions speak louder than words. If you were what he wanted, he would have chosen you.

Edited August 29, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[rhw]

Another poster mentioned he broke up with you five months ago. Is this correct.

 

"Broke up"?

 

no. we did not break up. he went ghost on me 5 months ago. i haven't heard from him since and have been NC for exactly two months now. we've never been here before where he just up and left w/o a word. he's never done that ever. we've had NC for short periods of time with both of us initiating it for different reasons over the years, but never without a word like this. for all i know, she found out that we were in contact again and had seen each other again multiple times stopping short of intimacy though it was heading that direction. he's a coward. i don't know his reasons for staying put but i know i'm what he wanted. what he still wants. and now i don't even feel like breaking NC. i'm just DONE.

 

you can stand by what you want, TJH. and i will stand by my saying that since i know the whole story and i know what led him to consider leaving, i felt he *was* fair game. i don't think that of any other MM. i don't go after MMs thinking they're fair game. i simply said in his case, in our story, in everything that has unfolded, the fact that he does not have a child with this woman made it easier for him to leave and he *almost* did. we were heading that direction. if there were a child they had together that was involved, i would be the one to step back and end it completely. that is all. no need to get into the details or get all up in arms about what i said. i know what i said. i also retract what i said about any offspring of theirs. i was taken aback and angry, and realized later i'd jumped to a very wrong conclusion. at this point, i really don't care anymore.

 

none of it matters anymore, thanks.

[Brightmoon]

his W can push out a dozen little horsefaces (my name for her: horseface because she looks like one. no offense to horses but she is completely unattractive) and now i just finally hit my "sick of it all" stage. it's been a long time coming.

 

You sound incredibly immature. how old are you?

 

While i sympathised with your shock and grief while you believed this woman was pregnant, your bitterness and spite is unsettling now.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Brightmoon

[hermione08]

She's having a child at 50? This is seriously wrong. Regardless of the rest.

[Trimmer]

It's great that you've decided to move on. But I suspect your anger at the pregnancy reflects a deeper truth about your feelings.

Yes, right here, maybe:

anyway, when he came into my world, i was willing to choose motherhood/parenthood with him over the career ambition i've held my entire life. i was still willing to up until i found this out.

 

Also, like some others, I'm shocked at some of your uglier comments.

i also retract what i said about any offspring of theirs. i was taken aback and angry, and realized later i'd jumped to a very wrong conclusion. at this point, i really don't care anymore.

Umm.... You retract it because you reached a wrong conclusion, or you retract it because once you calmed down you realized you had said some monstrous things?

 

Does that mean if she were actually pregnant, if you'd drawn the right conclusion, you would still be wishing for a miscarriage?

 

And now that you realize you reached the wrong conclusion, is she still a horse-face, or do you retract that, as well?

 

You see, the reason I ask, is because I think it's worth considering these things as a matter of character.

 

In vino veritas - and in anger as well... It's easy to go back after the fact and pick up the pieces and say "What the President meant to say was 'measured response', instead of 'nuke-fest'", but I think what you utter in times of stress are an important indicator of true character, and you can't really, honestly walk that back like a politician saying he "misspoke."

Edited August 29, 2012 by Trimmer

[lovinmylife]

because... you'd have to be a fly on the wall for the conversation that ensued between us months ago. he asked where the 2 names that i always imagined for our kids came from, why those names. i told him. he laughed and said he likes them. asked where all this was years ago. he assured me he and his W were *NOT* having children together. at this point, he took me home and instead of kissing me, rubbed his thumb across my lips and looked at me longingly. and then we saw each other again. and then we were gonna see each other again after that. he never officially said, "i'm leaving" but the more he was seeing me, the more he was realizing that finally we were on the same page. i wanted kids with him. I WANT his kids, i want to carry his kids and i wanted to raise kids w/ him. and things seemed to be going well. and that's when he f'ing disappeared on me w/o a word or anything. (it all makes sense now i guess. she had to have told him).

 

point is, yes, a pregnancy was where i drew the line because as long as they didn't have kids together and i knew that he wasn't completely happy, he was fair game and i would be here waiting. i always believed he would be back. now i know it's over. forever. i am never talking to him again, never gonna hear him laugh, never gonna feel his arms around me or his mouth on mine, never gonna be comforted by him again on a crappy day... and most of all, NEVER gonna have kids with him.

 

he changed my whole world. before him, all i saw were my goals and ambitions and i am well on my way to making one of them come true and the other, well only time will tell if i can still throw like i used to. (that i want to be an Olympian thing i dreamed at age 5). he was disappointed in me when i quit for a while, said he didn't fall in love with a quitter and that i wasn't one. recently took that up again and am rebuilding upper body strength to throw again. anyway, when he came into my world, i was willing to choose motherhood/parenthood with him over the career ambition i've held my entire life. i was still willing to up until i found this out. i'm young enough unlike HER where even a good 6 years down the line, i'm safe to conceive naturally if 6 years were what it took to wait for him to get his **** together and come back to me. i was willing. i wanted that with him. he wanted that with ME. it wasn't future faking. we knew and only now were we finally on the same page.

 

now it's all over, all up in smoke, evaporated. nothing left to hold on to. all hope gone. i hate him for it. and now i still won't even get a goodbye.

 

You claim that without children he is fair game. How? He is still married. A man will say anything to lead you on if you will fall for it. I have been there. I have learned not to jump at every thing a man says just because it make me feel good. It's a game.