He and his W are having a child. UGH. <update: no pregnancy>

[mercy]

I read her back story..... OP I don't know if you have a support system, counselor whatever...but what you posted her yesterday was frightening that anyone could be so heartless....pain or not. Kids are just off limits for me and I believe most people, they are innocent. I get that what you believed when you posted is not true..but it does not change your responses when you believed it to be true. That is a huge red flag. No man(or woman) should have so much power over your thoughts and emotions that you would wish death on a child.

 

The words spoken can never be undone. It just blew me away to read this thread.

 

OP, your thoughts have taken you to a level of hatred for this woman that is unimaginable. Why? Because you want her husband.

 

Be very careful where you allow your mind to take you. Sometimes your thoughts can turn to action and you will be led down a path of no return.

[rhw]

You sound incredibly immature. how old are you?

 

While i sympathised with your shock and grief while you believed this woman was pregnant, your bitterness and spite is unsettling now.

 

in my mid-thirties. she is the only person i have ever called such a name. her face is very long and shaped like a horse and when she smiles, it's quite possibly the most unattractive smile EVER, a smile you'd see on a horse. and yes, i was blazing-angry, even if i had jumped the gun. and yes, i retract ALL of what i said, except the horseface comment.

 

everyone at some point in their life has someone they can't stand, who they may secretly dub an unflattering name so stop casting stones. i wouldn't believe you if you said you've never called anyone a name. i am just not a fan of hers and from what i know of her, my now ex-MM shouldn't be w/ her either. i'm actually incredibly mature and handle stress just fine. my character is not in question here. yes, i reacted to what i thought was devastating news as though a wrecking ball had taken to my insides.

 

if you don't understand the story of why i fully thought he was leaving (as you were not there w/ him or me, you wouldn't be expected to), then please stop making disparaging comments about my maturity of which you know nothing. until i realized i'd jumped to conclusions, i felt everything i had hoped for or believed would eventually happen combust. i reacted strongly, yes. and i take back what i said about hoping she miscarries. yes i was bitter. i was angry at them both. the truth remains that i always told myself the second they brought a child into this world, i would be DONE. i would just step so far back and leave him alone. he wanted to leave. i was helping him along, not telling him he needed to. but he is a coward and spineless and ultimately just couldn't handle the change that would come, even if he acknowledged (and he did) that it would be a change for the better. classic conflict avoider.

 

@lovin - i already answered this question. not repeating myself. if you must know, look back a page.

 

at this point now, because i've blocked him from every channel of communication and blocked her too so i can't see anything, they could have kids and i just don't really give a **** anymore. i'm tired of hurting, i'm tired of this anger because i'm not an angry person and i just want to wipe my hands clean of ALL of it.

 

the fact remains, they are not now or ever having children, as my ex-MM correctly swore to me but i am trying to be done with this and have reached the point where my anger finally just boiled over. i'm ready for a new day and to get back to the person i always was with or without him. she can keep him. she can keep believing she's having sex with the husband who's emotionally present when really he's thinking about me in bed and in regular things. he always has, always will. he loves her, yes, but is not in love and is not attracted (again, i've seen them together. no attraction) and the only reason he didn't officially leave is because of the reasons above, not because he doesn't love me or want me.

 

ultimately, i just don't want to be with someone who can't stand on his own two feet and buries his head in the sand. that's what this whole discovery--true or not-- pushed me to.

[mercy]

in my mid-thirties. she is the only person i have ever called such a name. her face is very long and shaped like a horse and when she smiles, it's quite possibly the most unattractive smile EVER, a smile you'd see on a horse. and yes, i was blazing-angry, even if i had jumped the gun. and yes, i retract ALL of what i said, except the horseface comment.

 

everyone at some point in their life has someone they can't stand, who they may secretly dub an unflattering name so stop casting stones. i wouldn't believe you if you said you've never called anyone a name. i am just not a fan of hers and from what i know of her, my now ex-MM shouldn't be w/ her either. i'm actually incredibly mature and handle stress just fine. my character is not in question here. yes, i reacted to what i thought was devastating news as though a wrecking ball had taken to my insides.

 

if you don't understand the story of why i fully thought he was leaving (as you were not there w/ him or me, you wouldn't be expected to), then please stop making disparaging comments about my maturity of which you know nothing. until i realized i'd jumped to conclusions, i felt everything i had hoped for or believed would eventually happen combust. i reacted strongly, yes. and i take back what i said about hoping she miscarries. yes i was bitter. i was angry at them both. the truth remains that i always told myself the second they brought a child into this world, i would be DONE. i would just step so far back and leave him alone. he wanted to leave. i was helping him along, not telling him he needed to. but he is a coward and spineless and ultimately just couldn't handle the change that would come, even if he acknowledged (and he did) that it would be a change for the better. classic conflict avoider.

 

@lovin - i already answered this question. not repeating myself. if you must know, look back a page.

 

at this point now, because i've blocked him from every channel of communication and blocked her too so i can't see anything, they could have kids and i just don't really give a **** anymore. i'm tired of hurting, i'm tired of this anger because i'm not an angry person and i just want to wipe my hands clean of ALL of it.

 

the fact remains, they are not now or ever having children, as my ex-MM correctly swore to me but i am trying to be done with this and have reached the point where my anger finally just boiled over. i'm ready for a new day and to get back to the person i always was with or without him. she can keep him. she can keep believing she's having sex with the husband who's emotionally present when really he's thinking about me in bed and in regular things. he always has, always will. he loves her, yes, but is not in love and is not attracted (again, i've seen them together. no attraction) and the only reason he didn't officially leave is because of the reasons above, not because he doesn't love me or want me.

 

ultimately, i just don't want to be with someone who can't stand on his own two feet and buries his head in the sand. that's what this whole discovery--true or not-- pushed me to.

 

No one pushed you to react this way. That came from within you.

 

Well, ole horseface is whom he has chose to wake each morning with and last face to look upon at night.

[rhw]

omg, for the last time, no i would never act on it and no i did NOT mean it. and NO, I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT A CHILD NOR WISH HARM ON ANY. NO THERE IS NO EVIL IN ME. i work with kids. i love them. i've never had any issue w/ any of them. i've never wished harm on anyone's child. yes i want(ed) my MM back as he was mine before he was ever hers and in the entire time of their ridiculous courtship, he was still more mine than hers. . it was ME he wanted kids with (and suspect still does). and he was almost going to leave her. when i saw the post, i wrongly put two and two together and thought she'd had a kid to ensnare him to her permanently so he wouldn't leave her which would explain him going ghost on me and that angered me a great deal because if he had even thought to leave before, no way would he leave if a child was involved. i was reeling. and yes, that is part of why i am officially done with all this because i realized he has so much more power over me that is completely unhealthy. to have thought that and even vocalized that even for a second is completely uncharacteristic. i wanted my power back. there is no slippery slope. i am done.

 

@ Mercy - no one pushed me to any reaction. that's not what i wrote. i said that seeing that and thinking they were expecting and realizing they actually weren't was the catalyst that finally pushed *me* to "rhw, you have got to stop this!!" i just don't wanna care anymore.

[losingmyground]

It is over between the two of you. If she is pregnant get over it. It is sick that you would wish a miscarriage on anyone. I get that you are angry, but I will say that I have never wished harm on a person I was that angry with. Stop stalking them and move on.

[rhw]

please just let this thread die already. why are you giving it so much attention? i reacted horrifically in that split second i saw her post/picture and i felt awful. i know my character. everyone in my world knows my character and the one person i told IRL was shocked i'd even said that but understood where it was coming from because i'm not like that at all. she also knows i never meant that and don't mean harm on anyone, much less a child, even theirs if they ever have one. i was angry, the angriest i think i've ever been especially as it's been rapidly building in these 5 months. it came to a very ugly head. does it mean i'd act on it? hell no! and i've already taken the steps to assure myself that i will never see or react to anything involving any of them ever again, nor can he walk back into my life.

 

don't you understand? i recognize now that he destroyed me. it was a split second verbal vomit that i would never authentically believe. i just want this thread to be done. they aren't having kids and if they are at some point, then fine. i'm just done. done. done. done.

[mercy]

omg, for the last time, no i would never act on it and no i did NOT mean it. and NO, I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT A CHILD NOR WISH HARM ON ANY. NO THERE IS NO EVIL IN ME. i work with kids. i love them. i've never had any issue w/ any of them. i've never wished harm on anyone's child. yes i want(ed) my MM back as he was mine before he was ever hers and in the entire time of their ridiculous courtship, he was still more mine than hers. . it was ME he wanted kids with (and suspect still does). and he was almost going to leave her. when i saw the post, i wrongly put two and two together and thought she'd had a kid to ensnare him to her permanently so he wouldn't leave her which would explain him going ghost on me and that angered me a great deal because if he had even thought to leave before, no way would he leave if a child was involved. i was reeling. and yes, that is part of why i am officially done with all this because i realized he has so much more power over me that is completely unhealthy. to have thought that and even vocalized that even for a second is completely uncharacteristic. i wanted my power back. there is no slippery slope. i am done.

 

@ Mercy - no one pushed me to any reaction. that's not what i wrote. i said that seeing that and thinking they were expecting and realizing they actually weren't was the catalyst that finally pushed *me* to "rhw, you have got to stop this!!" i just don't wanna care anymore.

 

The bold ^^ but you did and that is what I took issue with.

[mercy]

please just let this thread die already. why are you giving it so much attention? i reacted horrifically in that split second i saw her post/picture and i felt awful. i know my character. everyone in my world knows my character and the one person i told IRL was shocked i'd even said that but understood where it was coming from because i'm not like that at all. she also knows i never meant that and don't mean harm on anyone, much less a child, even theirs if they ever have one. i was angry, the angriest i think i've ever been especially as it's been rapidly building in these 5 months. it came to a very ugly head. does it mean i'd act on it? hell no! and i've already taken the steps to assure myself that i will never see or react to anything involving any of them ever again, nor can he walk back into my life.

 

don't you understand? i recognize now that he destroyed me. it was a split second verbal vomit that i would never authentically believe. i just want this thread to be done. they aren't having kids and if they are at some point, then fine. i'm just done. done. done. done.

 

The bold. Maybe if you stopped blaming him for your choices and held yourself accountable it would help you. It's only you that you can change. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.

[happynot]

I've read the whole thread. I am always sad when I hear the OW bash the BW. You dont know the history of these two. What hardships, joys they have shared. All you do know is what the MM has told you, and What he wanted you to think. If he didn't want to be wirh his wife he would leave, if he didnt want kids wirh her he would avoid sex with her or use protection. He is the ONLY person you should be made at.

You said he was yours before he was hers, who is wearing the wedding ring?

You also said you charter isnt at question here, really? You went after a married man, even after years you still chased after him. You wished harm on an unborn child. Only to back track once you were called out about it, you found it not to be true. I dont for one mintue think your done. You are puninshing him, but its been 5ms he doesnt care. You should move on, take the high road. Figure out why you dont make a life of your own, and a women can have a child whenever she feels like it, you wouldnt be the mom she would, I am sure she isnt going to be unhappy for you to leave them alone so that they can repair and maybe really have kids together. She may not think they are over. You gave too much power and trust to other man.

[rhw]

well congrats to you then for never reaching that level of contempt for anyone or a situation that would make you say something you immediately regret. i did not repeat the sentiment after the initial post and i TRIED to edit that first post but it wouldn't let me. it had been seen.

 

it was something said in the worst level of anger i've ever experienced--anger that is not even characteristic to me-- and no, if he DID have a child, i would not wish anything bad because it's HIS child too. yes i cannot stand her but i did love ex-MM and as such, i know that would be HIS too and no of course i would not wish anything awful on him.

 

wanna know what i heard growing up on a daily basis? "i wish you were dead!" "you are God's worst mistake", etc, etc. i've already dealt with all that. already got years of IC to help me through. i got through all the pain and stuff to become one of the strongest people I know and the people who love me know. the point is, they were words shouted at me in stress, in anger. everyone has a boiling point and they do things they would NEVER think to do or things they would NEVER otherwise say. i just reached mine last night. that is all. it was a boiling point. it boiled over. i'm through.

 

wow, you guys sure are a judgmental, saintly bunch, aren't you? tell me when you reach a level of anger so unbecoming of you that something slips from your tongue that you never meant to say and then cast stones.

[mercy]

well congrats to you then for never reaching that level of contempt for anyone or a situation that would make you say something you immediately regret. i did not repeat the sentiment after the initial post and i TRIED to edit that first post but it wouldn't let me. it had been seen.

 

it was something said in the worst level of anger i've ever experienced--anger that is not even characteristic to me-- and no, if he DID have a child, i would not wish anything bad because it's HIS child too. yes i cannot stand her but i did love ex-MM and as such, i know that would be HIS too and no of course i would not wish anything awful on him.

 

wanna know what i heard growing up on a daily basis? "i wish you were dead!" "you are God's worst mistake", etc, etc. i've already dealt with all that. already got years of IC to help me through. i got through all the pain and stuff to become one of the strongest people I know and the people who love me know. the point is, they were words shouted at me in stress, in anger. everyone has a boiling point and they do things they would NEVER think to do or things they would NEVER otherwise say. i just reached mine last night. that is all. it was a boiling point. it boiled over. i'm through.

 

wow, you guys sure are a judgmental, saintly bunch, aren't you? tell me when you reach a level of anger so unbecoming of you that something slips from your tongue that you never meant to say and then cast stones.

 

Maybe you can use all of this as a learning tool. There is a rage simmering in you that needs to be addressed.

 

But I think you are more angry at yourself and are directing it at him, mostly her. It is misguided anger to say the least.

 

Anger is fear. What are you so afraid of?

[rhw]

I've read the whole thread. I am always sad when I hear the OW bash the BW. You dont know the history of these two. What hardships, joys they have shared. All you do know is what the MM has told you, and What he wanted you to think. If he didn't want to be wirh his wife he would leave, if he didnt want kids wirh her he would avoid sex with her or use protection. He is the ONLY person you should be made at.

You said he was yours before he was hers, who is wearing the wedding ring?

You also said you charter isnt at question here, really? You went after a married man, even after years you still chased after him. You wished harm on an unborn child. Only to back track once you were called out about it, you found it not to be true. I dont for one mintue think your done. You are puninshing him, but its been 5ms he doesnt care. You should move on, take the high road. Figure out why you dont make a life of your own, and a women can have a child whenever she feels like it, you wouldnt be the mom she would, I am sure she isnt going to be unhappy for you to leave them alone so that they can repair and maybe really have kids together. She may not think they are over. You gave too much power and trust to other man.

 

are we REALLY back to character here? there's already a whole thread on that or was. i think it's locked now. i know their history and for the love of sanity, i am not going to be redundant for those who don't know the story. he was my best friend so i did know everything. goddammit stop going back to "you wished harm on an unborn child" ANGRY WORDS i took them back and i wanted to edit that but i couldn't. i never meant that. in my heart of hearts, i could never mean that.

 

yes i am angry at him but i am angry at her too. i have my reasons. she is not innocent. she hurt him deeply. he doesn't trust her and apparently, he DOES probably avoid sex w/ her or if he does do it, he uses protection. he swore to me months ago, they were never children together, leaving the door open for him to maybe, just maybe work up the guts to leave and have the kids he wanted to have with me. so clearly, that part is true. they are not having kids.

 

"if he wanted to be with you, he would leave." <--come on now, it's not always that easy. he has to grow a spine first. he has to learn not to be so conflict avoidant. the point is, i'm just tired of waiting for him to and i hate that he can't seem to do it. i've waited too long and it's made me this angry person i really am not. but it has nothing to do with him moving on really. he just passively stayed where he's at.

 

the only difference between threads i've started before and now is that i reached the point where i can't stand it anymore. i'm tired of the anger. i'm tired of the rollercoaster and am dizzy and sick. i'm through. so if he has kids with her now, okay then. but i'm just through. no punishment, no more vengefulness. nothing. i'm just through.

 

Pleeeease just let the thread die. i'm over it. please stop harping on something said in a split second of very heated anger. it's so easy to sit back and judge behind a screen. my friend heard me say the same thing and she simply said, i know you and you don't mean that. i know that's anger. look at what this is doing to you. this is not you. and she's right. it's not me. i'm done. please be done trying to vilify me for something i would never ever EVER honestly mean.

[skywriter]

rhw,

 

Hi,

 

Glad to hear that you are calming down and hope you will have all this stress behind you in the near future.

 

Try to surround yourself with positive people in your daily life. Take time to yourself, just relax and rest well.

 

You will get back to the person you know is deep inside of you eventually. Just give it time.

 

 

(((big hugs to you)))

Edited August 29, 2012 by skywriter

[CarrieT]

wow, you guys sure are a judgmental, saintly bunch, aren't you? tell me when you reach a level of anger so unbecoming of you that something slips from your tongue that you never meant to say and then cast stones.

 

Well, this IS the joy of the internet... Once you post something, it is out there to haunt you forever.

 

Maybe use this as a learning moment to relax, breathe, and wait before you release a rant of anger on a website where you can't take your words back.

 

As someone else said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. It is great that you are now moving beyond all this and seeing a new light. Being held accountable for your words and actions is just part of the process of growing and moving beyond that destructive place you've been living.

[rhw]

Maybe you can use all of this as a learning tool. There is a rage simmering in you that needs to be addressed.

 

But I think you are more angry at yourself and are directing it at him, mostly her. It is misguided anger to say the least.

 

Anger is fear. What are you so afraid of?

 

i am afraid of how vulnerable he made me. i built myself up over the years of the worst kind of psychological and physical torture you can imagine to where *nobody* could ever be let in. he got in. i don't know how or why (and don't say he preyed on me cuz he didn't know that about me and i didn't send out any i need rescuing signals). but he needed help too and in that we found each other and then fell in love with each other. and i had many, many chances to be his W. that's what he wanted but that fear of vulnerability got in the way and i didn't say anything when i should've. but his feelings for me are still very much there as are mine. and yes, i AM rightfully angry at him for being spineless. and i am angry at her for not letting him go when she loves someone else. so she is cake-eating too. i would never hurt him, i would never betray him as she has (probably still is). and i am afraid because in him, i found safety. i could be in a relationship and not feel like the other shoe was about to drop or that i always had to be afraid (as if the torture of me wasn't enough, i witnessed DV for a long time). with him, everything was easy. we had to work at it. because of my walls and my stubbornness, it's sometimes hard to get through to me but he was always there, always willing to do the work it took.

 

he got through to me. and to lose him to her.... that's what i was afraid of. but i'm not afraid anymore. i'm really, honestly just tired of it all. my head and heart and even clearly my soul have been battered through and through these past months but i believed he'd be back again (past behavior and such). this time, i just don't want to go down that road again. i do NOT wish harm on anyone. i've never wished harm on HF before as much as i can't stand her. i don't honestly want anything bad to happen to her. i just wanted him.

 

i don't anymore for what it has cost me.

[jwi71]

well congrats to you then for never reaching that level of contempt for anyone or a situation that would make you say something you immediately regret. i did not repeat the sentiment after the initial post and i TRIED to edit that first post but it wouldn't let me. it had been seen.

 

I think the point some are trying to make is "no one" forced you to react.

You chose your reaction. And I hesitate to call it a reaction even given the time and steps necessary to get to computer, surf to LS, log in and post. This wasn't a hastily blurted anything but rather a series of steps which culminated on you typing an online "post". This wasn't snap anything.

 

No one but you decided to post that vitriol. He didn't make you. You chose to.

 

It was a display of raw and unhealthy emotion. Potentially dangerous and, despite what you say, it is indicative of character. Does not ones actions best show is character? Maturity? Sanity? If not, then what?

 

I would also suggest IC. You aren't handling your emotions terribly well.

 

it was something said in the worst level of anger i've ever experienced--anger that is not even characteristic to me-- and no, if he DID have a child, i would not wish anything bad because it's HIS child too. yes i cannot stand her but i did love ex-MM and as such, i know that would be HIS too and no of course i would not wish anything awful on him.

 

To me, this is little more than trying to convince yourself.

Given your posts, all of them, you aren't coping very well.

IC can help.

 

wanna know what i heard growing up on a daily basis? "i wish you were dead!" "you are God's worst mistake", etc, etc. i've already dealt with all that. already got years of IC to help me through. i got through all the pain and stuff to become one of the strongest people I know and the people who love me know. the point is, they were words shouted at me in stress, in anger. everyone has a boiling point and they do things they would NEVER think to do or things they would NEVER otherwise say. i just reached mine last night. that is all. it was a boiling point. it boiled over. i'm through.

 

wow, you guys sure are a judgmental, saintly bunch, aren't you? tell me when you reach a level of anger so unbecoming of you that something slips from your tongue that you never meant to say and then cast stones.

 

Very characteristic of abusers - blaming others for what they do and say.

Also characteristic of abusers is to have come from abuse.

Your initial posts ARE abusive - had they been spoken to MM or his W.

 

Given they were not, they weren't technically abuse but I will maintain the potential is there for you to be that which you came from.

 

You've shown it in this thread.

 

Luckily, life is choice.

The future unwritten.

 

My sense is you need some assistance. We all do at one point or another in life.

I hope you seek it. Professional help. It doesn't mean you are abusive or sick or anything. It means you need some help.

 

I hope you get it for your sake.

[mercy]

i am afraid of how vulnerable he made me. i built myself up over the years of the worst kind of psychological and physical torture you can imagine to where *nobody* could ever be let in. he got in. i don't know how or why (and don't say he preyed on me cuz he didn't know that about me and i didn't send out any i need rescuing signals). but he needed help too and in that we found each other and then fell in love with each other. and i had many, many chances to be his W. that's what he wanted but that fear of vulnerability got in the way and i didn't say anything when i should've. but his feelings for me are still very much there as are mine. and yes, i AM rightfully angry at him for being spineless. and i am angry at her for not letting him go when she loves someone else. so she is cake-eating too. i would never hurt him, i would never betray him as she has (probably still is). and i am afraid because in him, i found safety. i could be in a relationship and not feel like the other shoe was about to drop or that i always had to be afraid (as if the torture of me wasn't enough, i witnessed DV for a long time). with him, everything was easy. we had to work at it. because of my walls and my stubbornness, it's sometimes hard to get through to me but he was always there, always willing to do the work it took.

 

he got through to me. and to lose him to her.... that's what i was afraid of. but i'm not afraid anymore. i'm really, honestly just tired of it all. my head and heart and even clearly my soul have been battered through and through these past months but i believed he'd be back again (past behavior and such). this time, i just don't want to go down that road again. i do NOT wish harm on anyone. i've never wished harm on HF before as much as i can't stand her. i don't honestly want anything bad to happen to her. i just wanted him.

 

i don't anymore for what it has cost me.

 

I'm sorry for what you went through as a child, I really am. I'm wondering if the rage is coming from that place. Those words said to you as a child may not all be remembered but the emotion you felt is still within you. This situation you are going through now may have triggered that hopeless feeling within you that you just aren't good enough. Good enough for him to leave his marriage, good enough to be loved. You are. You are a gift. Now treat yourself as such.

 

But work on that rage, it's too close to the surface.

[rhw]

thank you LFH and skywriter!! yes, it was a horrible thing to say and yes i felt instantly horrible after, especially as the second i saw what i'd written, i tried to edit that. i've never wished harm on HF, ever and i certainly would never wish harm on a child. never ever EVER. it would be, like i said, my cue to step far back and let it go, give up waiting for him. *that* is all. but i hadn't yet reached that point yet so seeing what i saw sort of threw me into the fire and i felt a rage--yes-- i'd never felt. i was not prepared for that at all. but i don't mean it. i don't wish anyone ill will or harm. i logged in cuz i was angry and needing support in the initial (turned out to be false) discovery. what was said was typed heatedly and when i saw it, i immediately chastised myself for even putting that out there. no i don't wish harm on his kid or her kid or him or HER. ever. i felt bad enough and to come here to see most of you making me out to be this psychotic, deranged person is not what i expected.

 

and whoever said i don't know what she's like as a mother. i do. she's a perfectly fine one. she's been there to help raise his D from his first marriage so for that alone, she's a good person. as stepmothers go, she's really great. he is not attracted to her, she just doesn't really love him *wants somebody else* and i feel like she won't let him go because she knows where he will go. so they fought to stay together and he still thinks he can't fully trust her. and for the same reason i didn't want to lose him to her, she doesn't wanna lose him to me. it's messed up all around and that is precisely why i've finally had it.

 

i am done trying to explain. you believe what you want. i know me. i know that the anger over this reached a point, but not one of no return nor one indicative of a maladaptive character. i adapted just fine.

[rhw]

i don't know who you are talking about as i only recently discovered this site. so no, definitely not the same person. and there is no such thing as "normal." jesus, stop painting me out to be this very troubled person. i got the help. i don't need anymore. i *do* see what this has cost me and the damage it has done and ironically in ALL of this, it could've all been avoided had i just looked at the explanation of that album and how it was a party favor. but it was my mind's way of pushing to the surface the need to REALLY get out of this. i'm very aware of how much this 11 year affair has cost me. and that's why i stepped out. when i saw what i typed, THAT was the crystallizing moment in which i thought, how could i ever wait around for someone who could make my head and heart feel like it's constantly detonating and make me ever say something like that ?(though again, I DID NOT and DO NOT mean it at all). My thought processes are not scattered. they're actually very thorough. i've already gone through a battery of personality tests with NO red flags, not even one. so i'm clear. i had a very weak moment of loss, something my brain pushed to the forefront so i could finally just let go. and yes it hurt. but the other irony in all this is once again, my ex-MM did not lie: they are NOT having kids. it just doesn't make a difference to me anymore as much as it did in that minute because now i see the damage this has been doing. i recognize it. i've taken all the steps to cut him out of my life such that NC or no NC, it just really doesn't f'ing matter. i'm not counting days of NC. i'm just OVER it.

 

i don't know who you surround yourself with but i've heard lots of so-called "normal" people say WORSE things than that and actually mean them. i didn't mean what i said. i've never done that before and i would never do that again. please stop making me out to be this mentally unstable person. i had a weak moment! i've had a weak 11 years, to be honest and i'm incredibly strong. i'm through being weak. that's what weakness is to me. being even remotely able to let something like that slip. i've already recognized it and done something to avoid him ever coming back to me again. please stop making me feel like **** for something i could never honestly mean.

[skywriter]

[QUOTE=rhw;4224595] thank you LFH and skywriter!! yes, it was a horrible thing to say and yes i felt instantly horrible after, especially as the second i saw what i'd written, i tried to edit that. i've never wished harm on HF, ever and i certainly would never wish harm on a child. never ever EVER. it would be, like i said, my cue to step far back and let it go, give up waiting for him. *that* is all. but i hadn't yet reached that point yet so seeing what i saw sort of threw me into the fire and i felt a rage--yes-- i'd never felt. i was not prepared for that at all. but i don't mean it. i don't wish anyone ill will or harm. i logged in cuz i was angry and needing support in the initial (turned out to be false) discovery. what was said was typed heatedly and when i saw it, i immediately chastised myself for even putting that out there. no i don't wish harm on his kid or her kid or him or HER. ever. i felt bad enough and to come here to see most of you making me out to be this psychotic, deranged person is not what i expected.

 

and whoever said i don't know what she's like as a mother. i do. she's a perfectly fine one. she's been there to help raise his D from his first marriage so for that alone, she's a good person. as stepmothers go, she's really great. he is not attracted to her, she just doesn't really love him *wants somebody else* and i feel like she won't let him go because she knows where he will go. so they fought to stay together and he still thinks he can't fully trust her. and for the same reason i didn't want to lose him to her, she doesn't wanna lose him to me. it's messed up all around and that is precisely why i've finally had it.

 

i am done trying to explain. you believe what you want. i know me. i know that the anger over this reached a point, but not one of no return nor one indicative of a maladaptive character. i adapted just fine.

 

 

rhw,

 

Just please consider, given all the events that have transpired, how they are affecting you emotionally and decide where you need to draw a line in the sand. Meaning enough is enough.

 

Please also consider, how you choose to feel and make it your goal to get yourself to that place. Think about the words you feed your brain and the thoughts you continue to process over and over until they culminate into a negative emotion.

 

Logically, as adults we aren't forced into anything, we make a conscious choice, people don't, "not let us go". We "choose to stay". This in turn causes others involved in us to have to accept our choice to stay. Those are the ones that are affected by our choice.

 

You have people, that do genuinely love you ,for exactly who you are. That is so important right now. let them be there for you.

[rhw]

This is a disturbing conversation to have with a grown woman.

 

Putting aside what you wrote about a potential unborn child, just this line above alone indicates that you are unstable and delusional.

 

Your instability is most likely the main reason he is reluctant to leave his wife for you and also why he likely pulls these disappearing acts. He doesn't need to grow a backbone as you keep insisting - the man is fearful of your mental instability. If we see it, then he sees it.

 

I agree with the other posters, you do need to seek professional help.

 

you are the most caustic poster here. everything you say to people is laced with contempt. you do not know me, him or us. he has NEVER thought me unstable or whatever. he has always maintained that i am the stronger one of us and that he is impressed that i've been able to withstand so much. he did not think it delusional that i would not want him to name any child of theirs the names i wanted for ours. how the hell is that delusional? i didn't threaten him with anything. i just said, it would really, really hurt me to know that these names were ever given to your kids when i wanted them for ours. i can say things like that to him because there's full disclosure. it would hurt me. that is all i told him. please don't. he said they weren't ever having kids together and those names were safe. and then he brought them up again and asked why those names and told me he liked them as he was considering leaving when realizing we were on the same page w/ the kid thing.

 

THANK YOU TO THE ONE OR TWO, maaaaybe THREE people who were genuinely caring and supportive. the rest of you need to stop casting stones. it's great that you're past your As or it's great that you've forgiven your WS for hurting you. fantastic. i only just got to my revelation now. this does not make me any more or less delusional and definitely not at all "mentally unstable" than anyone else. i'm really not sure why people w/o a counseling license are so willing to place labels on people they do not know. this was a bad situation for me to be in and i know that and i've taken the steps to extract myself from it and protect myself from ever going through it again.

[stillafool]

[

QUOTE=rhw;4224424]in my mid-thirties. she is the only person i have ever called

such a name. her face is very long and shaped like a horse and when she smiles,

it's quite possibly the most unattractive smile EVER, a smile you'd see on a

horse.

 

Well he evidently likes her face because he chose her to marry. Not all of us have the same taste in what we find attractive. She may not think you're attractive as well.

 

 

he loves her, yes, but is not in love and is not attracted (again, i've seen

them together. no attraction) and the only reason he didn't officially leave is

because of the reasons above, not because he doesn't love me or want me.

 

He must be attracted to her because he got her pregnant. I doubt they only had sex the one time either. You aren't in their bedroom at night so you don't have any idea what he really feels for her. Remember cheating MM lie, lie, lie. They have to because if they told you the truth about how they feel about their wife you wouldn't put out.

 

ultimately, i just don't want to be with someone who can't stand on his own two feet and buries his head in the sand. that's what this whole discovery--true or not-- pushed me to.

 

Be thankful this has happened (the pregnancy). Now you can use this to REALLY move on with your life and find that man who "can stand on his own two feet."

[losingmyground]

I'm going to call bullsh** on all of you that are saying you've said something in a moment of hurt or anger that you didn't mean.

 

Call bull**** all you want....I am not the one living in a fantasy world. Yes when I am angry I might call another person a cunt or dick, but I do not wish bodily or emotional harm on them.

 

I'm going to say that you're probably lying to yourself as well if you say you have never wished something horrible on someone at one time even if you didn't mean it or say it outloud.

 

Again, I don't lie to myself. While I cannot say that I have never lied...I try to live my life with honesty and integrity.

 

It was an awful thing to say, and I'm sure that she felt terrible about even thinking it, however briefly.

 

Reading her replies...it sounds as if she does fell horrible. As she should.

 

I do worry that he can drive her to such an extreme but it happens.

 

Again, another poster that blaims the other AP for their actions. She posted her ideas, not him. If my research is correct, it has been over for 5 months. And by the way, how weak do you have to be for someone else to "drive" you to do something. We are all in control of our own actions.

 

I could make lists where other people have said horrible things too though.

 

It speaks to the way people process pain sometimes.

[Spark1111]

well congrats to you then for never reaching that level of contempt for anyone or a situation that would make you say something you immediately regret. i did not repeat the sentiment after the initial post and i TRIED to edit that first post but it wouldn't let me. it had been seen.

 

it was something said in the worst level of anger i've ever experienced--anger that is not even characteristic to me-- and no, if he DID have a child, i would not wish anything bad because it's HIS child too. yes i cannot stand her but i did love ex-MM and as such, i know that would be HIS too and no of course i would not wish anything awful on him.

 

wanna know what i heard growing up on a daily basis? "i wish you were dead!" "you are God's worst mistake", etc, etc. i've already dealt with all that. already got years of IC to help me through. i got through all the pain and stuff to become one of the strongest people I know and the people who love me know. the point is, they were words shouted at me in stress, in anger. everyone has a boiling point and they do things they would NEVER think to do or things they would NEVER otherwise say. i just reached mine last night. that is all. it was a boiling point. it boiled over. i'm through.

 

wow, you guys sure are a judgmental, saintly bunch, aren't you? tell me when you reach a level of anger so unbecoming of you that something slips from your tongue that you never meant to say and then cast stones.

 

Go back to IC, rhw. You need to delve deeper into the root causes of such venom. It will poison your heart and spirit forever.

 

No one can cause me to lose control to the point of such rage that I say or think unimaginable things so far off from the core of who I am.

 

Certainly not when they are projected at the wrong person.

 

We have all had fits of anger. Project it where it belongs...your exMM.

[rhw]

[QUOTE=rhw;4224595] thank you LFH and skywriter!! yes, it was a horrible thing to say and yes i felt instantly horrible after, especially as the second i saw what i'd written, i tried to edit that. i've never wished harm on HF, ever and i certainly would never wish harm on a child. never ever EVER. it would be, like i said, my cue to step far back and let it go, give up waiting for him. *that* is all. but i hadn't yet reached that point yet so seeing what i saw sort of threw me into the fire and i felt a rage--yes-- i'd never felt. i was not prepared for that at all. but i don't mean it. i don't wish anyone ill will or harm. i logged in cuz i was angry and needing support in the initial (turned out to be false) discovery. what was said was typed heatedly and when i saw it, i immediately chastised myself for even putting that out there. no i don't wish harm on his kid or her kid or him or HER. ever. i felt bad enough and to come here to see most of you making me out to be this psychotic, deranged person is not what i expected.

 

and whoever said i don't know what she's like as a mother. i do. she's a perfectly fine one. she's been there to help raise his D from his first marriage so for that alone, she's a good person. as stepmothers go, she's really great. he is not attracted to her, she just doesn't really love him *wants somebody else* and i feel like she won't let him go because she knows where he will go. so they fought to stay together and he still thinks he can't fully trust her. and for the same reason i didn't want to lose him to her, she doesn't wanna lose him to me. it's messed up all around and that is precisely why i've finally had it.

 

i am done trying to explain. you believe what you want. i know me. i know that the anger over this reached a point, but not one of no return nor one indicative of a maladaptive character. i adapted just fine.

 

 

rhw,

 

Just please consider, given all the events that have transpired, how they are affecting you emotionally and decide where you need to draw a line in the sand. Meaning enough is enough.

 

Please also consider, how you choose to feel and make it your goal to get yourself to that place. Think about the words you feed your brain and the thoughts you continue to process over and over until they culminate into a negative emotion.

 

Logically, as adults we aren't forced into anything, we make a conscious choice, people don't, "not let us go". We "choose to stay". This in turn causes others involved in us to have to accept our choice to stay. Those are the ones that are affected by our choice.

 

You have people, that do genuinely love you ,for exactly who you are. That is so important right now. let them be there for you.

 

thanks Sky. oddly enough, this is exactly why i posted in the first place, the horrible thing i said and didn't mean notwithstanding. this was the line in the sand for me. maybe he chose to stay, fine, but he has not stopped wanting me. he just wanted his life not to be blown apart which it would if he left. well too bad, MM, i'm not waiting anymore. *while not forced, i agree--never said he was being actively forced-- conflict avoidant people like my MM tend to feel like their hands are tied and their own personalities tend to force them to stay put instead of making a change for the better (this is true of his approach to life in general. not just me! he wants more out of his work life but doesn't know how or what or whether he even can change it. his words).

 

and yes, i do have many, many people who genuinely love me. they are there for me. they are not making me feel like **** for something i already felt like **** about even just for typing for a burning hot second. they are letting me know how glad they are that i'm finally through with this and are there for me as i gather up the pieces of me that are scattered about. i really do appreciate the support i got from the few people who weren't so ready to mob-attack the weak in the herd.