neveragain2493 Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 My best friend's roommate (whose boyfriend is, ironically, the last roommate of my ex boyfriend) and I recently all became good friends. I've seen her in the past at my ex's apartment but never really got to know her until now. I'll try to break her relationship down as simply as I can. - They've dated for about two and a half years, and it's always been him to break up with her. - She has a low sex drive and only wants to have sex maybe once a week. He gets angry when she doesn't give in and sees it as a huge issue that she doesn't want to have sex sometimes, let alone "try new things." He's only good to her when she does. She's self conscious about her body, and he gets angry that she isn't comfortable being fully naked in front of him. - Whenever she cries or is upset, he calls her a crybaby and tells her to go cut her wrists. He calls her stupid, stubborn, and disrespectful to him. - Their fights have gotten physical. She told me about an incident where she told him, "I'm not a dog," and he replied with, "Yeah, you are. B****." When she slapped him, he picked her up, carried her down the stairs, and threw her on the ground. - A guy friend of hers has been texting her, and when her boyfriend found out, he told her he was going to spend the night with his ex girlfriend to "do math homework." He isn't taking a math course. - He broke up with her then called her over the next day. He apologized and then asked to have sex as a "security thing" because he knows she has a low sex drive and won't run off to hook up with someone else after having sex with him. She gave in, and the next day, he said he was just feeling horny and said those things to get in her pants. - Yesterday, she begged him to be with her and said that if he wanted to be with her, it was only that simple. He replied that he did love her, but she'd have to fix a lot of her issues first, including "the sexual problem." He told her he wasn't getting back with her until he was 100% sure he really loved her (I heard these exact words from my ex and know it is a RED FLAG). Today, she called me crying and came into my apartment. She told me she literally walked to his car, got in, and he physically picked her up and put her out of the car because he didn't want to talk to her. He's ignoring her texts and calls on purpose. Since my best friend and I have both been abused in some way, we keep telling her that she deserves better. She literally said, "I don't care how he treats me. I just want us to be together." He obviously abuses her in every way. No matter what advice we give, she doesn't listen, and I know it isn't an option to let her "find out for herself" because they do get physical. It's a cycle that keeps occurring, and she always thinks that it's her fault ("maybe if I make a change"/"maybe if I fix this"). It hurts me to watch this, and if it gets physical again, my friend and I have agreed to find help for her. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Will she read a book? Ask her to read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It's a fairly big book, but the best one I've ever seen on abuse. If she won't read that, get her a book by Patricia Evans; just about any one will do - small and easy to read. You need to enlighten her, open her eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 It takes two people to have a dysfunctional relationship. Your friend is very dysfunctional. Her bf is even worse. I don't think there is anything you can do to help until she decides she no longer wants to be treated that way. Abuse relationships can be tricky because many times the abuse isn't constant. There are good moments, so you think to yourself, "if I could just be more patient with him...if I could just be more understanding with him, etc." I encourage you to suggest to your friend to seek individual therapy. If she grew up in an abusive household, she might think his behavior is acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sportymonkey Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 was she ever hurt before in her previous relationships? does she come from a broken home? most victims of abuse end up with abusive partners as they identity with abusive individuals. i recently bought a book called Emotional Vampires by Albert J Bernstein. this book addresses ways to deal with ppl who drain you dry. perhaps you or your friend can check it out and see if it holds the answer to your friend's problem. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ellowmay Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Greznog, dude....are you serious? That's pure neandrathal speaking there. Why don't YOU go date the guy and see how YOU like being thrown down stairs and manipulated into having sex with what appears to be a total meat-head a**hole. Maybe you two would be more compatible and you could save these friends of hers the trouble of trying to get her out of the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 maybe she's dating my ex. Sounds the same. You stay for the good times and ignore the bad **** because you're stupid in love. Been there. There is nothing you can do or say that wil old her leve. She's got to do it herself. She has to own who she is and it some selfrespect. Or find some other douche bag like i did, till she gets tired of mean guys and finds a sweetheart- like i did. Link to post Share on other sites
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