cherished Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 Hello everyone! I will try and make this as short as possible.... I've been with a guy for over a year or so and it seems that he always expects me to pay for things and it's starting to get really old! OK some history first.... When I met him he was working a decent steady job and payed for things, took me out and always paid. We would go for long drives (in my car or his) and he would offer gas money though I wouldn't always accept it but none the less he offered. Then as I got more comfortable with him I started paying for things, cooking for him sometimes, buying him small things here and there. Then it progressed to where I'm paying ALL the time, he has since changed jobs but still gets a regular pay check, cooking for him everyday (me buying the food we don't live together but he eats at my home everyday and he doesn't offer me $ for food). I pack his lunch every night (which is the food I buy). I bought him a cell phone (he didn't ask but it was buy one get one free pre-paid so I thought it would be nice). I have paid for a total of 5 tattoos (on his body) at the time I was getting myself tattoos as well. I knew it was something he really wanted so and he NEVER asked I just did it because I thought when it came time where I wanted or needed something that I would be able to count on him to do the same for me. This may seem petty but it's making me wonder about him, recently his cell phone ran out of minutes (he calls me all the time with it like 5 times a day literally) and he was complaining that he didn't want to put minutes on the phone, I remarked " I know it's getting expensive you've gotta quit calling so much and I've gotta get some minutes soon too" and he says "well make sure you get 2 cards (one for him) I was sooo appalled, he makes about 100 more a month than me and has about the same amount of bills just a touch more. Oh yeah and he is always spending money on his sis (little amount like $20) for food or whatever but it makes me so mad (i've told him calmly but he says "i never ask for anything") Out of common decency don't you think he would offer to give me money for his lunch or something? I pick him up after work EVERY day because he doesn't like to drive his truck (is illegal in the US and doesn't have a license). and he doesn't offer $ for gas. I don't know if he is using me or if this is just something that I started by getting him used to me doing so much for him! When I suggest that he drives (even though he shouldn't when I first met him he came everyday then he got stopped and got his truck impounded so it scared him) BUT he will drive ANYWHERE for his sister (who just got here from mexico) when I say to him "I get tired of being the one who does it all and picks him up" he says "if you don't want to come then we will just talk on the phone" and of course I want to see him so I give in and if I say "you're in the relationship too, if you want to see me you should drive over" he'll say "deja de estar chingando the madre si no te gusta cada quien a su camino" which means basically "stop nagging if you don't like it each of us can go our seperate ways" But when I leave him he comes crying back not to mention the fact that I LOVE him and I think he loves me. He says it to me all the time and is with me everyday with or without spending money and as I mentioned he never comes out and asks for anything it's just kinda expected or so I feel! What do you think? Please tell me the truth on how you see this situation so I can get some other angles on this and figure out how to handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 Sorry I've never been in the situation and don't really know what to say except I hope things get better for you. If you love him, talk to him and maybe things will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 But when I leave him he comes crying back not to mention the fact that I LOVE him and I think he loves me. You think he loves you? He says it to me all the time and is with me everyday with or without spending money and as I mentioned he never comes out and asks for anything it's just kinda expected or so I feel! Why is it expected? I can't imagine supporting a boyfriend the way you are! Stop doing it and see how he reacts. I mean, he appears to be getting a free ride from you. Actions speak louder than words. Does he ever do anything for you? What do you think? I think he's using you. And why are you dating an illegal immigrant? Where do you see this going? Link to post Share on other sites
cinnamonstix49 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Cherished, I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying this, but this is just my personal opinion... I believe that you are not in love with him, but that you are in love with the idea of having someone, the idea of him. I also feel that he is using you. He may say that he loves you and come crying back to you, but it sounds to me like he is using you as a crutch. I would advise taking a break to see what he is like without you and what you are like without him. Tell him that his needyness bothers you and see how he feels. Best wishes and God bless Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Either a.) he's using you, or b.) he doesn't think you mind since you offered to pay so much in the begining. You won't find out until you sit down and have a serious talk with him about it. Tell him that you don't like being the one to pay for everything, that you feel the man in the relationship should do some of that, too. Maybe he doesn't understand how much it bothers you. And from now on when you feel he expects you to do something, ignore it. Instead, wait and see if he asks for it. You said he never asks for anything, and maybe he won't. Maybe he will just go and get it himself. But if you feel he is using you, you should leave. Don't let anyone use you. Talk to him about it. Tell him he needs to pay, too, and see his reaction. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 You're not a girlfriend, you're a meal ticket. Cut him off, financially. Make him pay for his own stuff, starting right now. Link to post Share on other sites
cherished Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by clia You think he loves you? I KNOW he loves me, he has shown me a lot of love and care. He tells me how he feels all the time, I talk to his family a lot and he has never cheated on me. We're together almost 24/7 except when he works and sleeps but other than that we're together always. He has my face tattooed on his forearm (huge tattoo his idea that HE actually payed for) and just little things, aside from this our relationship is good. Why is it expected? I can't imagine supporting a boyfriend the way you are! Stop doing it and see how he reacts. I mean, he appears to be getting a free ride from you. Actions speak louder than words. Does he ever do anything for you? Before I started "spoiling" him he gave me money like to buy whatever and took me out, bought the drinks, food, anything but once I started paying he cooled off about paying. I felt bad about him paying all the time at first so that's why I started paying but now I'm starting to feel like I'm paying TOO much. He pays his own bills and sends money home to his Mother and Father so I know he doesn't always have the money I do but since I'm feeling closer and closer to him I wonder if I'm knit picking at these things in order to push him away because I'm scared he'll break my heart! I think he's using you. Your opinion is helpful though and obviously that's why I posted to see how many think he IS using me and how many see it that it may be MY fault. And why are you dating an illegal immigrant? Where do you see this going? Yes I am dating an illegal immigrant (most imigrants here are or so I'm told) We are planning on getting married (he has asked me and I told him maybe later on) b.) he doesn't think you mind since you offered to pay so much in the begining. I really feel in my heart and gut that this is what is really the thing but I'm not 100% sure so I know in the end it will come down to me talking to him which is why I wanted other perspectives so i would know how to go about it! Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 why don't you guys open an account together to pay for things.. you can both put the same amount of money in and only use it when you guys are together.. like for tatoos or food or whatever.. no on personal items for yiourself.. maybe that way both of you will be putting in the same amount of effort into the relationship.. However If i were in your shoes I would wonder how he could feel like a man with letting you pay for things.. because most men i don't think (and i don't know) but most men i find out feel like they are less of a man.. What i would question is why he would feel okay with using you like this.. If I were you I would tell him that money is tight and even though you want to give him everything.. he needs to do his part too.. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Firstoff, it doesn't matter whether or not we think he is using you, the fact that you think he is - is enough. IMO, you would want someone who would be as considerate as you. He isn't. So decide whether or not this is the type of relationship you want and there is your answer. Personally, I would dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 yes to both... yes he's using you and yes it's your fault...fairly simple to me, hehe Link to post Share on other sites
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