affair

[nicole]

Hi, I've been having an affair since about May. It's been awful, and i feel terrible about it. We broke it off in July when his wife found out. We didn't speak for almost 2 months. Then, in September, he came back, wanted to try again. My husband found out, read our emails. To make a long story short, I was given an ultimatum - either cut off all contact with this guy or leave. I'm unable to stop talking to him. So, I'm scheduled to move out Saturday to an apartment. I'm scared to death. I'm not sure the guy will leave his wife - and I know that shouldn't be a consideration on my part. I need to leave for my own self. Just so frightened right now. I know this is dumb and people may get mad at me for it. It's almost like I know I'm ruining my own life and can't help myself.

[Tony T]

An affair is often a symptom of serious problems at home. A tendency to want the affair more than a marriage is usually a symptom that very serious problems exist in the marriage with an unwillingness to work them out or a simple inability to live up to the committment.

 

Statistically, it is not likely the man you are having an affair with will leave his wife. He could be with you many years or a very short time, depending on his conscience and the ability of both of you to be discrete. But, you will always be the other woman and there probably is no future for you here.

 

If something should happen to him and he is hospitalized, you will have to stand out on the sidewalk and look up at his window. If his death should occur, it would probably not be a good idea to even send flowers in your own name. You will receive no death benefits, no home, you will have no family, you will get zippo and not even be able to attend the funeral.

 

So be on your way, enjoy this for the period while it lasts, but be working on a master plan for your life once it's over.

 

It is tragic that you chose not to work on your marriage. I am sure your paramour observed this and would take that into consideration when contemplating any marriage with you. He probably would not consider you too loyal.

 

Hell, no, it's not all about love here. He is using you for sex because you are available and he was looking for something a bit different to break the monotony at home. If you really meant anything to this guy, he would be reassuring you that he would be divorcing his wife. He has not, according to your post.

 

You should be scared to death. You will be out on the street sometime between a few weeks and a year or so. Probably sooner than later. You will probably be one of the two stars of a surveillance tape prepared by the private detective to be hired by your lover's wife. But hopefully you will have a back up plan as I have suggested.

 

If and/or when his wife discovers this, and she will, he will stop seeing you. Oh, yes, he could get a divorce and get so cleaned out of everything he owns he would look to your for support until he found someone else he could trust.

 

I'm not judging you for this. I am only telling you how things like this usually play out. Welcome to the world of "the other woman."

[pam]

Thanks for the advice. He has promised to leave his wife by the first of the year. NOT that I believe that. I think he wants to, but is incapable of it. I keep trying to break it off with him by giving him openings to go, and he won't. And it's strange about the sex thing. He asked me back Sept. 7 and because of our distance and his work, we have seen each other only once, so it's not a huge factor. We talk on the phone and email. It's hard to break things off when you think there could be a future, but i'm starting to think I made a mistake. Thanks, Tony, you are great.

An affair is often a symptom of serious problems at home. A tendency to want the affair more than a marriage is usually a symptom that very serious problems exist in the marriage with an unwillingness to work them out or a simple inability to live up to the committment. Statistically, it is not likely the man you are having an affair with will leave his wife. He could be with you many years or a very short time, depending on his conscience and the ability of both of you to be discrete. But, you will always be the other woman and there probably is no future for you here. If something should happen to him and he is hospitalized, you will have to stand out on the sidewalk and look up at his window. If his death should occur, it would probably not be a good idea to even send flowers in your own name. You will receive no death benefits, no home, you will have no family, you will get zippo and not even be able to attend the funeral. So be on your way, enjoy this for the period while it lasts, but be working on a master plan for your life once it's over. It is tragic that you chose not to work on your marriage. I am sure your paramour observed this and would take that into consideration when contemplating any marriage with you. He probably would not consider you too loyal. Hell, no, it's not all about love here. He is using you for sex because you are available and he was looking for something a bit different to break the monotony at home. If you really meant anything to this guy, he would be reassuring you that he would be divorcing his wife. He has not, according to your post. You should be scared to death. You will be out on the street sometime between a few weeks and a year or so. Probably sooner than later. You will probably be one of the two stars of a surveillance tape prepared by the private detective to be hired by your lover's wife. But hopefully you will have a back up plan as I have suggested.

 

If and/or when his wife discovers this, and she will, he will stop seeing you. Oh, yes, he could get a divorce and get so cleaned out of everything he owns he would look to your for support until he found someone else he could trust. I'm not judging you for this. I am only telling you how things like this usually play out. Welcome to the world of "the other woman."

[Tony T]

EMAIL AND PHONE IS THE WORST!!!

 

Making such a major move for someone you've mostly had interaction with in mail and on the phone IS THE WORST!!! You hardly know the real person. You already know he cheats. There's probably a lot more about him you'll find out as time goes on.

 

But I did read your original post again and you indicated you were probably going to get out of your marriage one way or the other. Your life would best be served by separating from your husband and being alone for a while. Spend the time to sort things out, see what you really want in life.

 

You DO NOT need to jump into another relationship. Life can be just fine without a man around. Jumping right into something with a married man sets you up for the same kind of misery, hurt and pain you have been experiencing in your marriage now. Give yourself a break, take some time to heal, and then set out to find someone decent and unattached to spend your life with.

 

Right now, this whole deal is nowhere but in your mind. You have met this guy only a few times and, otherwise, the relationship consists of phone calls and Email. What you glean from phone calls and Email, your mind processes into whatever it wants...it's just not based on reality. You can have that kind of relationship with MILLIONS of men around the world ALL DAY LONG.

 

It's obvious you are desperate to do something. I am truly sorry about your marriage. Don't make another tragic mistake.

 

Take a cold shower, dry off, have a glass of orange juice, sit back in your easy chair, and reconsider how you're going about this.

 

Two miserable people seeking each other to get out of their misery equals two miserable people together. YUK!!! And you really don't know where this guy's head is really at.