feelinglost Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I have been separated from my H for about 8 months. We have been married for 14 years and have 1 child. He left because I told him I could no longer live in a marriage that was empty, no love, affection, connection etc.. It was slowly dying & we both just let it happen. I wanted to go to counseling and try to save it, but he would'nt go. Instead he went to seek counseling alone and moved out. Things were really terrible for awhile, I was so angry & sad, but eventually I moved past that a bit. We finally went to counselling together after a couple of months, but I really felt he was just going thru the motions. I told him to continue to work on himself, and when he is ready & truly committed to working on the marriage, we would return to counselling. We are now back in counseling, (have had just 1 session) it was great, he really opened up and has made great strides to communicating better. My son is in sleepaway camp for the summer. We are using this time to figure out what we want and are spending time together. This past weekend, we went to visit our son in camp. We spent 3 days in this beautiful resort, had fun played golf, had great meals etc.. However he would not have sex with me. We slept in the same bed, had some affection, cuddiling, but would not make any moves on me. I did not make any moves, because a few weeks ago I seduced him, we made love (although he really was not ready) but he could'nt come. I think that messed him up, and he has'nt gotten over it. On the last day, I finally could'nt take it anymore and asked him why he won't sleep with me, and he said he just wants to take things slow and not rush into sex right now, but he really wants to work on the relationship. I am crazy, or is this just nuts. He insists that he does desire me, that I should not make such an issue out of it, its either going work or its not. I need some feedback out there, especially from the men. Help Please!!! Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sex can have underlying emotional issues for men, especially in the context of a relationship. To respond to you without inhibition or anxiety, he needs to trust you. If he's afraid of getting hurt, he will likely hold back -- without even being entirely aware of how much. This is probably what's going on with him. You need to feel validated emotionally through his sexual response -- his desire for you. But, he needs to feel safe -- your acceptance of him as is, without pressure to change or do anything he's not comfortable with. What's more, he needs to feel like he's a worthwhile man in your eyes. When you broke up, he was likely feeling that he wasn't good enough, not what you wanted, not a man you admire, respect. Help him to feel good about how you see him and feel about him now, and you will get what you need too. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
feelinglost Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Wow, thanks so much for your wonderful insight. I never really thought about it that way. I was so much more consumed with the feelings of being undesirable and unloved by him, that i had not thought about how he might feel. It is just so hard to try to rebuild a life with someone that you have married to for so long, especially when you are not living together. He is such a hard read, it would be so much easier if he was able to show a more vulnerable side, so I could really understand what he is experiencing emotionally. Its a good thing we have our therapy session tomorrow. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Good. I think showing a strong sexual response to you would be showing that vulnerable side for him. After all, many men are taught that this sexual response gives women power over them. It's what causes many men to stay in otherwise bad relationships. I don't think this is a case of his not wanting you physically. He got an erection when you had sex. It has much more to do with deeply rooted fears that you don't think he's good enough for you. That's caused many a man to shrivel up altogether. If anything, his sexual dysfunction shows how deep his feelings for you in particular go. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
feelinglost Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 We did discuss in our therapy session, that he was feeling gun shy, because of what happened the last time we had sex. He wants it to happen naturally, with no pressure. I said I understood and we would take the pressure off for now. I had another date with him last nite and a sleepover at his apartment. We had a fun date, but of course no sex. I did'nt say anything or act disapointed, but of course I was. How long do I let this go on? I feel like the GUY now, it just so hard to really understand, why he would want to sleep next to me, hold me, but not want to make love. Could his holding back mean his confusion about going foward and making that commitment. It seems a little hard for me to buy the guy shy theory totally. any thoughts out there? Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted July 25, 2004 Share Posted July 25, 2004 I went through this with my husband after a difficult time in our marriage. It took a few months to rebuild the trust. I had the same feelings you did -- frustration, anxiety about my appeal, etc. We've been entirely back together for years now and the sex is great. Patience! -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
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