usedtobefun Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hi everyone nice to meet you. I got married just this last January and my wife has always been heavy and over time it has started to bother me more and more. She's 5' 2" and weighs 148lbs and is from Equator and has only been here for a little over a yr and used to weigh 30 lbs before coming to the US. We got married only after 3 months of dating and I love her very much but ever since me got married things aren't fun for me anymore. I don't enjoy my time with her and she know me well enough to know when I'm not ok and she will ask what's wrong and I will say nothing so she will give me the silent treatment until I tell her what's wrong, which I can't tell her. I mentioned 1 month ago that her weigh issue was bothering me and I'm not as attracted to her sexually. She then broke down in tears saying she's ugly, fat. I told her I don't think your ulgy at all, which is true. I got her a gym membership at my gym four months ago and she workout's about 3-4 times a week. She was 155 four months ago but I feel she could do much better in loosing wieght. She's considered a health risk according to the personal trainer there. She does eat better. Last week she asked me why do you think I need to loose weight. I told her because for health reasons and that she would be able to wear more sexy clothe's and the sex would be better. Seems to me she doesn't want to loose weight bad enough. I find myself consantly looking at sexier, slime women all the time and have started masturbating in the last couple months. I suffer from high anxiety and have started getting bad with that again. Her weight issue has affected everything. I feel like some jerk for feeling this way. I know I need to tell her but how without making her feel like crap and leaving me, going back home to Equator? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hmmm...this is a VERY delicate subject. Losing wieght is not easy....you've mentioned to her that you don't find her attractive anymore due to increased weight gain-do you even love this woman? You sound a little shallow, although you're at least honest. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I'm 5 foot 2 and I've been agonizing over my weight for a long time. I used to weigh 158lbs, made it down to 105, and now I'm back up to about 130. This was all over a couple years time, but I know what it's like to feel fat and unwanted. Last week she asked me why do you think I need to loose weight. I told her because for health reasons and that she would be able to wear more sexy clothe's and the sex would be better. So you're telling your wife that you don't think she's sexy anymore? Even if that isn't what you meant, that's what it sounded like, and I guarantee that's exactly how she took it. Seems to me she doesn't want to loose weight bad enough. She's not the one who wanted to lose weight in the first place. That was you. She may have been very content with how she looked, that is, until she found out that you don't desire her after she's gained some weight. She was 155 four months ago but I feel she could do much better in loosing wieght. She's considered a health risk according to the personal trainer there. She does eat better. Cut her some slack, she's trying. She isn't THAT much of a health risk. She should be somewhere around 109-136 lbs, which she isn't far from. I think it's great that you want her to be healthy, but it doesn't seem like that's really your goal in this. It seems like you just want her to be thinner and look better. Whatever happened to loving someone for who they were on the inside, not how thin and sexy they were on the outside. You do need to tell her how you feel, but if my husband told me that he wanted me to lose weight to make me more desireable, I wouldn't stick around. Be careful how you approach it. She may decide to leave you for someone who doesn't care how much she weighs. Link to post Share on other sites
cinnamonstix49 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 When you married her you said you would love her for better or for worse, you should love her no matter how she looks, you shouldn't care that she is slightly over weight. Have you told her how undesirable she is to you? Have you told her that you want her to change who she is to make your sick a55 happy? I'm pretty sure it would upset your sweet wife if you told her that you masturbate thinking about skinnier women... If I were her, thankfully I'm not or I would be married to you, I wouldn't think twice about leaving you and going back to my home land of EQUADOR, and not Equator. And, good, I hope you do feel like a jerk for feeling that way about your wife. You should love her for who she is and no matter what she looks like. If you really love her these things shouldnt matter. Maybe you should have waited longer than 3 months before you got married? My suggestion is that you decide which is more important to you... your sexual desires or your loving wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 30 pounds?? isn't that about what a healthy 7 year old should weigh?? Link to post Share on other sites
cherished Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 slime women all the time Dude you need to quit picking on her about her weight and deal with the fact that you need some educational help with spelling. Sorry but how can someone who only weighs 148lbs at 5'2 be a health risk??? She probably has small pooches of "fat" here and there but come on it's not like she weighs 250lbs or more (even if she did you should love her anyway because you took vows to do so) but since you can't change who YOU are (which sorry but shallowness is an issue that should be dealt with also) you should do her a favor and leave her, she deserves someone who'll love her no matter what! Grow up and look at what makes a relationship important (LOOKS are NOT so important) I understand you want her to turn you on but she can do that by making love to you NOT by you just "looking" at her! Give me a break! Seriously do HER a favor and find someone who is rail thin and can't gain weight! Guys like you need a reality check what happens when she is 40+ and starting to sag and not be some young "fit" hip chick will you cheat on her with younger women?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Now now, he's being honest-he obviously wants to make things work-can you really get mad that he's not attracted to her when she's overweight? He isn't saying he wants to leave, or to sleep with someone thinner, just that he isn't attracted to her when she's fairly overweight. Don't foret, her own body image may be playing a part in how he views her-she may be horribly uncomfortable with the extra poundage and that in itself is a turn off. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 You married your wife (hopefully) because you loved her personality, her interests. I can understand to some extent that her weight gain bothers you, but I think your concern is overall rather shallow and fixated. It could undermine her self esteem. Which is more important to you , your wife's happiness or your idea of physical beauty? What if your wife were to tell you what she found unnattractive about your physical appearance? As far as the health risk, if she had diabetes or heart problems, or if she was more than 60 pounds overweight, that would be true, but that is not your wife's case. Encourage her to exercise and eat better--work out and eat healthy with her. Compliment her appearance, instead of saying you don't find her attractive. Just don't demand she be a size 2 or else. Either accept that she is not going to be a perfect 10 physically, or end the relationship and find a woman who you find sexually attractive. There's not one standard of beauty. Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 If you want to fix things.. you need to encourage her.. tell her what a difference she has made and how fit she is getting.. tell her that you find it sexy that she is becoming more physically active just for you.. And Stop telling her that you aren't attracted to her because i think that is a load of ****... My bf has gained weight in the past and was very insecure about it.. he kept asking me if i think he was fat.. yes he was a bit more chubby, but i loved him and i told him that he doesn't need to worry about it because i will always love him.. Anyways he tried to lose weight for himself, and he lost the weight and of course he feels better but it doesn't change how i feel for him.. nothing has changed except his appearance.. which to me is not a big deal because i love him and i find him attractive and sexy for the person he is on the inside, and he knows that if he gains weight it won't bug me at all.. never push someone do to something.. because it won't help.. your wife must be very miserable not being able to live up to your standards.. encourage her, tell her how great she looks and then when her confidence is higher she will lose more weight because she will be doing it for herself... Link to post Share on other sites
kimbe Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sexier cloths? well then you would be mad about the guys wanting her!!! You would always bbe blaming her for the attention that THIN girls get!! Come on really, she is trying cut her some slack.. ok so you want a slim woman then why did you get married after only a short time dating? What is the right thing, she is going to the gym, she is trying, help her out Besides getting her some gym pass for 4 months(wow) what else are you doing to help this lady? I really have to hear this because my b/f wants me to lose weight but he will eat things and tell me no you can not have that, he does not help me other then tell me that i have ot lose weight... LOL he is so much over weight then i am I laugh at him... Help her!! eat better and at good times, do not snack all the time, do not go to mc donalds or any fast food place (even without her) change you and she will change her, WEIGHT LOSS TAKES TIME NOT ONLY 2 3 4 5 6 MONTHS...be a man and help her STOP PUTTING HER DOWN!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Kizzyfur Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Now now, he's being honest-he obviously wants to make things work-can you really get mad that he's not attracted to her when she's overweight? He isn't saying he wants to leave, or to sleep with someone thinner, just that he isn't attracted to her when she's fairly overweight. Don't foret, her own body image may be playing a part in how he views her-she may be horribly uncomfortable with the extra poundage and that in itself is a turn off. This may be the case. But he's not helping her to gain a good body image if he's telling her that he finds her repulsive. This can only cause her to go into a depression that will cause her to gain more weight. You need to focus on the good qualities she possesses. Why did you marry her? I hope it was because you love her and not just because she was beautiful. The only beauty that lasts forever is that which is found beneath the skin. You say you worry about her health. For a grown woman 30 pounds at 5'2" is very UNhealthy. I need to have my beau read threads like these. Then he'll understand where my insecurities come from. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 It's a very touchy subject. I know that when I had packed on extra pounds my SO continued to find me attractive because he loved me (boy, typing that just made me sad) even though I didn't find myself attractive at all. If you DO love her, you need to let her know that, and you should praise her efforts to lose weight without being patronising. Link to post Share on other sites
Author usedtobefun Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 Ok time to defend myself. I didn't say the word repulsive or ugly to her and the one time did I tell her weight bothers me I afterwards felt horrible about saying that. I married her for what kind of person she is inside, which is the greatest person I have ever been around. I get turned on easily when were making love but I know it could be better if she lost more weight. She is trying and I know that the best thing to do is just help her more with eating habits and when she says anything about her weight I am proud of her that she is going to the gym and trying. She belonged to a gym when I met her but quite because she wanted to spend all her time with me. We both wanted to be able to workout together at the same gym, she belonged to another one. I've been helping her with weight training and kind of being her personal trainer. She was raised to finish all food that is on the plate and not to waste food and that's a problem. However we can just have her eat smaller meals. Together were gonna help eachother. I feel horrible for feeling this way and looking at other women. I used to have no desire to look at other women but now I'm always checking out other women. I don't do this in front of her and I am not at all thinking of cheating on her. Never would do that. I just need to tell her more that's she's beautiful and I'm proud of her. I know that's gonna help and telling her again that her weight issue bothers me is just gonna make her feel like crap and not help at all. I'm not gonna tell her that again of course. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Its funny cuz i gained like 15 lbs and didnt even notice it and my ex and i are very open so he mentioned it to me and we worked together and i lost it all and toned up and now i look fantastic! if it wasnt for his honesty i would have slacked off and been more lazy, now i work out every day! i believe in looking good for your hubby or boyfriend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author usedtobefun Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 Also she get very jealous if I even look at women on tv. Whenever were watching tv she will constantly ask me if I find this or that women attractive and I will joke and say no I think she's hot not pretty then she will turn her back to me. It's a game but I know she feels very insecure about herself. She was on a trip a couple months ago and when I would talk to her on the phone she would tell me don't look at any girls on the beach. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sorry but I don't understand how her losing more weight is going to make your sex better... How do you figure? In my past experiences, when you have sex with someone you love and have a deep connecton with, sex is mostly mental. Obviously there are physical aspects to it but it's about 90% mental and emotional. Originally posted by usedtobefun Also she get very jealous if I even look at women on tv. Whenever were watching tv she will constantly ask me if I find this or that women attractive and I will joke and say no I think she's hot not pretty then she will turn her back to me. It's a game but I know she feels very insecure about herself. She was on a trip a couple months ago and when I would talk to her on the phone she would tell me don't look at any girls on the beach. Sorry, but her insecurity stems from you telling her that you think she's too overweight. You're not exactly helping her self-image... Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 oh wow, see when i was with my boyfriend i would POINT THEM OUT! lol. I knew he loved denise richards and pam anderson so i even bought him a calendar of pam. its human nature........I never got mad about that; i would point out hot girls when we went out lol Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hello, Usedtobefun, It's nice to meet you as well. I was in that VERY same boat with my SO. I made him feel bad too... I didn't mean to, but ANYTIME you suggest that a person needs to change something about their apperance they naturally get defensive. The only think I can think of to tell you is to get involved in the process with her (which you are doing) and let her know that you still think that she is sexy. You should initiate sex with her. Try to focus more on her, and try to see beauty in what you see as her over weight form. Really though, you shouldn't have to try to see beauty in or on someone that you're married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Amandy Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hi, First of all I don't think your that big of a jerk, a little bit of one for sure though! Of course you want to be attracted to your wife, that is only natural, but I think you could go about things in a more sensitive manner. I am a woman I know what I am talking about in this. Try getting active with her, take her out for walks after dinner, go bike riding, and eat better with her. Also praise her accomplishment of losing seven pounds. The more she feels bad the worse her weight could get, because it could become a power struggle for you both. Anyway, last but not least remember you married a person and I hope it wasn't for something as transient as physical beauty. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hello, I think that it would be useful: - to thank her for the amount of weight she has lost so far - to complimet her a lot. And NOT only because of her weight. - stop teasing her, making her jealous and feeding her insecurity. Reassure her instead. Try to make her feel desired and loved. (Even if she currently isn't desired.) She is jealous of the chicks on tv? You stop watching them. Choose different programmes. You let her know you commented about them being hot just to tease her, but you don't give a sh*t about them. Don't ever make a negative comment about other fat ladies in her presence. - change your mindset- from "she has not lost enough weigh...she's lazy and does not care about being attractive to me" to "hey, she has already lost some weight!and she did it for me. ain't that wonderful?" It is great you are working out together and that you help her with losing weigh..... but give her time. besides if you lose weigh gradually and slowly it will be easier for you not to gain it again. Almost everyone who loses weigh too quickly ends up putting it on again. - while she is at the gym, do some of her part of housework. If you have little free time and you don't like sports, it sucks to spend all of it in a gym exercising instead of doing something you like. If you do part of her house chores, she'll still have some time to engage in activities she likes. - offer to do something to look better to her eyes, to improve your looks. If she does not like your theeth a lot, heve them fixed. If you are losing hair, get hair implantation. If she does not like the way you dress, offer to change it. - don't bring up the weight topic every day, or every other day. She is not buying the "I'm worried for your health"part. Nobody would. If you see she is trying to do something for her weight, allow her a break. - it is good that you never used words such as 'ugly'with her. Continue not using them - Do a few romantic things for her. Making it clear to her that they have nothing to do with her losing weight. It's a paradox, but the more a lady feels loved *regardless of her weight* while she is on a diet, the easier it is to lose weigh for her. Besides doing a few romantic things will probably help some unpleasant thoughts go out of her mind. Those thoughts you can figure out by yourself - if all this will be useless, file for a divorce if the only other option is spending the rest of your life desiring a different-looking woman, being resentful to her and making her life hell too, by making her feel unloved and not attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
wutwereUthinking Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by usedtobefun I got married just this last January and my wife has always been heavy and over time it has started to bother me more and more. She's 5' 2" and weighs 148lbs and is from Equator and has only been here for a little over a yr and used to weigh 30 lbs before coming to the US. We got married only after 3 months of dating and I love her very much but ever since me got married things aren't fun for me anymore.....I find myself consantly looking at sexier, slime women all the time and have started masturbating in the last couple months. I suffer from high anxiety and have started getting bad with that again. Her weight issue has affected everything. I feel like some jerk for feeling this way. I know I need to tell her but how without making her feel like crap and leaving me, going back home to Equator? Marriage is forever. Did you consider this before you married a woman after 3 months. Did you consider that you will be devoting the rest of your lives to each other and if you had issues with her body then you should not have jumped into such a committment as Marriage. Did you realize that by you asking for this woman's hand in marriage you implied in her eyes that you would love her, all of her, exactly as she was. I feel sorry for this woman and I am not too approving of your blind mistake which will now cause alot of pain that would have been much easier had you had the strength to be honest before the marriage. The ideals of Marriage imply you should accept this woman through thick or thin whether she is Fat or Thin, Young or Old, rich or poor and vice versa for you. Did you completely disregard that? No one is saying you should force yourself to like what you are not attracted to but for crying out loud, you proposed to her and married her when she was fat and now you are having a change of heart??? Link to post Share on other sites
kiwi29f Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 If you truely love your wife you weight issue shouldn't bother you especially if she's only 10 lbs over weight, those 10 lbs are normally vanity lbs anyway. I am 5'3" & weigh 185lbs. I weighed 125lbs when I first married my husband & after I got pregnant I blew up & haven't been able to lose it, trust me when I say it's very hard to lose weight, believe me I have tried dieting, haven't been able to diet & work out b/c between working comming home & taking care of my baby I don't have time. BUT my husband loves me for what I am, he is always telling me how sexy I am & how much he loves me & how much I still turn him on. He's 6'0" & weighs 160lbs so its not like he's over weight telling me that b/c he's also over weight, you should accept your wife how she is & if you truely love her get over it. She's not heavy enough to worry about her health yet. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 used2bfun... You may consider her fat, she may consider you ugly? Tis easier to shed pounds than to grow a new face. Your heart is in the wrong place and she deserves better than you. And I don't care HOW fat she is. If she weighed 30 pounds coming from the equator....hmmm....was she a baked ethiopian? I'm confused? Anyway, get a grip before you lose this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 HoooBoy! If my husband ever said anything like that to me, I be booting him out the door and dialling Dominoes! And thinking to myself "Good Riddance" Her weight is not the issue, your attitude is. You should love your wife no matter her size, just as she should love you no matter your size. Things like this should have been discussed before you got married. "Hey baby, fat is a deal-breaker for me, so you can not gain any weight after we are married" A friend once told me that her husband commented to her (she had gained some weight after marriage) "I didn't marry your dress size, I married you" That, more than anything encouraged her to change her lifestyle for her health and not for her husband. She wanted to stay healthy for him--looks were secondary. Maybe you need to think this through very carefully and decide if this is a deal breaker for you. What if she gets pregnant and gains a lot and then can't lose it after the baby? Better to let her go and find someone new now, before there are children involved. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Maybe she'll get skinny then leave you for a man that can appreciate her at any size. Then she could take him back to the equator? Gosh, idunno, I'm still bettin she'll weigh more than 30 pounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts