man on fire

[aboutharry]

Hi there.

 

I need your neutral advise, please.

 

I am struggling with a difficult decision.

 

Without going much into details, I am doubting to sue my affair partner for something that is causing me lots of harm to my own business.

 

She is married with a kid, I am not married.

 

To resolve the dispute I contacted a mediator so this is all discussed in neutral ground and discretely cause I dont want to cause any harm to her private life.

 

The mediator agreed to take over the case, contacted her but no reply.

I contacted her by email too but no reply so far.

 

She might be taking a lawyer or something.

 

Her husband found out about us some months ago BUT what the husband doesn't know its about all the rest of her affairs and if we go to court my lawyer already told me he will need to use all that information.

 

Trust me, her husband would be truly hurt if he gets to know EVERYTHING about her past affairs.

 

Really ugly business but I wont be left without any other option.

 

Any advise which doesnt involve me contacting her any further ? I dont even wish to talk to her, got my life up and running.

 

I got this strong feeling she thinks I want her back.

 

Thanks !

[Artie Lang]

i don't understand how you could sue her, if what she is saying about you is true- concerning having the affair itself -i don't see where you have any legal standing.

 

the only way i see you having any legal recourse is suing for "defamation of character," then you would have to provide proof that your standing in the community has been damaged in some way; or that your business has suffered.

 

either way these are very hard to prove.

[aboutharry]

I am suing her cause another issue, damaging my business and personal life by doing something else that I cant describe in here but is punishable by law.

 

My problem is that if I sue her then my lawyer will have to bring up many things concerning our affair and past ones and her husband will be fully informed about what has been going on with his own wife.

 

I fear this will cause them the divorce or something but I also need to protect my own rights.

 

Tough dilemma...

[Artie Lang]

i see.

 

are you married yourself?

 

 

My problem is that if I sue her then my lawyer will have to bring up many things concerning our affair and past ones and her husband will be fully informed about what has been going on with his own wife.

 

I fear this will cause them the divorce or something but I also need to protect my own rights.

 

why do you care?

 

obviously she's a serial cheater, and is finally going to be "outed." you have no control over that.

 

it was bound to happen at some point.

 

 

sounds to me like you don't want your reputation to be tainted because of this. by going to court, you too will be "outed" as an accomplice to infidelity. i mean, you knowingly engaged in a relationship with a married woman. you have yourself to blame for that.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Artie Lang

[woinlove]

If her H divorces her because of the truth, then that is the right decision for him. I think living one's entire life with a lie in such an important, intimate area - your primary relationship and life partner - is sad. You don't know the future, but her H could be ultimately be happier living a life without that deception and freeing himself from his W who sounds very broken. If your lawyer sticks to the truth and factual information, I don't think you should feel concerned about protecting yourself through legal means.

[Got it]

I think the best approach is separating the personal from the business. Your lawsuit is over other issues. If she is guilty of them then that is her baby to rock same as if the affair/other affairs come out. I would turn it over to the legal team and communicate through them.

 

All communications should be done in writing and should be saved. I would read receipt all emails and anything sent by mail should have a confirmation of received receipt sent back to you.

 

This isn't personal, it is just business.

 

I do not see what Artie is commenting on that you seem concerned that your part in the affair will be out. That is the reality but you seem to be cognizant to it. Remember, regardless of your feelings, your job is not to protect her from herself. State the facts and go from there.

 

I am sorry for the stressful situation and I hope it is resolved soon.

[jwi71]

Hi there.

 

I need your neutral advise, please.

 

I am struggling with a difficult decision.

 

Without going much into details, I am doubting to sue my affair partner for something that is causing me lots of harm to my own business.

 

She is married with a kid, I am not married.

 

To resolve the dispute I contacted a mediator so this is all discussed in neutral ground and discretely cause I dont want to cause any harm to her private life.

 

The mediator agreed to take over the case, contacted her but no reply.

I contacted her by email too but no reply so far.

 

She might be taking a lawyer or something.

 

Her husband found out about us some months ago BUT what the husband doesn't know its about all the rest of her affairs and if we go to court my lawyer already told me he will need to use all that information.

 

Trust me, her husband would be truly hurt if he gets to know EVERYTHING about her past affairs.

 

Really ugly business but I wont be left without any other option.

 

Any advise which doesnt involve me contacting her any further ? I dont even wish to talk to her, got my life up and running.

 

I got this strong feeling she thinks I want her back.

 

Thanks !

 

This is easy. If someone is maligning your business interests to such a degree that a lawsuit is in order, you sue. Its your business, your capital and presumably your livelihood at stake.

 

What's confusing, to you, is your romantic desire to not hurt her.

 

Which is odd given her affects on your business/livelihood.

 

So...pick.

Protect your business/livelihood or her.

[losingmyground]

Protect the business. You can apologize to the BH later, after it is all over.

[BetrayedH]

The betrayed husband has a right to the truth so he can make an informed decision about the rest of his life. Exposing the affair would be the right thing to do even without your lawsuit. That is now just a second reason not to keep her secrets. It sounds like both you and your attorney have tried to contact her to resolve this as amicably as possible and she is not having any of that. I don't think you should hesitate to move forward.

[carhill]

Get a second opinion from another lawyer, one referred by a trusted business colleague.

 

IMO, the facts here are too nebulous to comment on. Lawyers cost a lot of money. Make them earn it. In matters business, they are the best source of legal advice.

 

Generally speaking, *If* the woman in question is a serial cheater, *and* her H knows about you, then it is highly likely that no privacy already attends to said circumstances. In other words, people talk. IMO, it will be difficult to unwind the consequences of your choices from public opinion materially affecting your business, which it sounds like you're trying to do. Good luck and I hope you get competent legal advice.

[suki1]

Think about what you have control of and what is really your responsibility here. Obviously you are responsible for your business, that is your livelihood. You are responsible for your own emotions. You are responsible for your own actions.

 

You are NOT responsible for her actions. Or her emotions. Or the effect her actions (her decision to have an affair, her damage to your business) have on her husband. These things are her responsibility, not yours.

 

If that doesn't help, think about 1 or even 5 years in the future. How will future you look back on this do you think? What would make him happier - looking back and seeing that you went to court, sorted this matter out and picked up the pieces with your business or looking back and seeing you did nothing while she ran off laughing into the sunset?

[yessy21]

Listen,

 

if what you are suing her over for is punishable by law... then go right ahead. that is your business and it should have been kept apart from personal. if they are causing damage of any type...and it can be proven..then go ahead with the proceedings. you have nothing to loose. who care if her husband finds out about the others. thats not your business. when your company was affected then it became your business. Nobody told her to be spreading her Legs wide open around town. she will pay for her consequences. she should be embarrased.

[aboutharry]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Some background :

 

she posted in a forum that I abused her sexually. I got the solid proof of the opposite and the lawyer wants to request that this post is removed plus an apology to me for slander. This is why he feels the need to bring up her whole past relationships, he has to. Another lawyer mentioned the same. I dont care if this is brought to her husband's attention, I just dont like to be the reason of a divorce but thats now her problem.

Lawyer wants to push for compensation but I honestly don't need her money.

 

The business side got hindered badly by some of her actions. I appointed a mediator to settle it amicably and not requesting compensation for damages but she has ignored it completely. Now we are moving to courts.

 

I am currently in a relationship with another lady but SINGLE

Life is good leaving behind all her drama and power games, her life hasnt changed a bit and it wont any time soon.

 

She has been married for 15/16 years and cheating on her husband ever since they met at University. Her lovers stay at her home when her husband travels which is quite frequently. And all this happens with her sick kid at home.

 

You got to be utmost unhappy to be cheating on your husband for 15 years. Really sad. This doesnt change no matter what.

 

I feel guilty and dirty I participated in this affair but she mentioned she was divorced since day 1. Dirty !!

[Emme]

The first time I read your post I was confused now I'm even more so.

 

You have a business... Your bread and butter. This woman has made false claims that's harming your bread and your butter. Yet you are concerned that her past transgressions will harm her marriage and would rather not take that route.

 

Your thinking has to change man. There is no dilemma. No one messes with your bread and butter. Get it together. No contact. Take it all the way to let the lies told come to light. Screw her!

[mercy]

Hi there.

 

I need your neutral advise, please.

 

I am struggling with a difficult decision.

 

Without going much into details, I am doubting to sue my affair partner for something that is causing me lots of harm to my own business.

 

She is married with a kid, I am not married.

 

To resolve the dispute I contacted a mediator so this is all discussed in neutral ground and discretely cause I dont want to cause any harm to her private life.

 

The mediator agreed to take over the case, contacted her but no reply.

I contacted her by email too but no reply so far.

 

She might be taking a lawyer or something.

 

Her husband found out about us some months ago BUT what the husband doesn't know its about all the rest of her affairs and if we go to court my lawyer already told me he will need to use all that information.

 

Trust me, her husband would be truly hurt if he gets to know EVERYTHING about her past affairs.

 

Really ugly business but I wont be left without any other option.

 

Any advise which doesnt involve me contacting her any further ? I dont even wish to talk to her, got my life up and running.

 

I got this strong feeling she thinks I want her back.

 

Thanks !

 

You've hired a lawyer for a reason. Allow him to do his job and step back. Truth has a way of making itself known. She knows what's coming, she has a choice to make, let him find out and be humiliated in court or tell him privately. Ball is in her court.

[suki1]

Oh. My. Goodness. You poor soul. To accuse someone of such a horrible crime when they have done nothing is nothing short of sadistic. That accusation could affect your whole life not just your work. She gave up all right to expect consideration from you the moment she posted that. Not only that, but at least in the uk (not sure where you're from, but the point still stands) so few women are taken seriously when they are sexually assaulted/raped anyway and every time a woman claims something that isn't true she solidifies the ridiculous beliefs some judges and other authorities have towards this type of crime. Therefore not only has she harmed you, she has potentially harmed the chances of genuine victims of being heard and taken seriously and helped. How dare anyone do that to all of us. Please, take her to the cleaners.

[aboutharry]

I read your reply and it felt so good to know I was doing the right thing.

 

My lawyer is getting into it as we speak now.

 

It was her choice to attend the mediation but I bet she felt high and big when she rejected (with her silence) the offer.

 

I guess she might be thinking that I was bluffing or just trying to get her back.

 

Well, this whole business is going down through criminal law, involving police and judges.

 

Aside from my business and the harm caused to it, my name has took a serious and devastating toll because she gave my name to her family, friends and other people so you can imagine how spread out that might be now.

 

Lawyer will also accuse her of slander and defamation.

 

What really took aback the lawyers was her email to me after the false rape claim : "you are my home, my fate".

 

I think the district attorney and the judge will have it easy on this one

 

She did it only to harm me and out of jealousy. Well, harm is done...big time!!

 

Her husband is a politician and if this whole scandal goes out I think he will get hit too (another part of why I was hesitant in the beginning).

 

I hate this situation but I need to go through it.

 

And yes, these false claims hinder other real and true victims. Shame...

 

As for her husband...I will apologize to him someday. I was unaware she was married but that doesnt mean I shouldnt apologize for whatever harm I might have caused him.

 

Thanks !!

 

The first time I read your post I was confused now I'm even more so.

 

You have a business... Your bread and butter. This woman has made false claims that's harming your bread and your butter. Yet you are concerned that her past transgressions will harm her marriage and would rather not take that route.

 

Your thinking has to change man. There is no dilemma. No one messes with your bread and butter. Get it together. No contact. Take it all the way to let the lies told come to light. Screw her!