Looking for input from women that left their marriages after long indecision

[Decisiontomake]

Hi all

 

I've posted recently regarding the potential for a separation from my husband. I'd also posted back in 2009 and 2010 about some of the reasons I was unhappy/discontented in our marriage.

 

In a nutshell, my husband is a lovely guy - he's not abusive, he doesn't go out drinking, he is nurturing and supportive. All the things some people would give their right arm for. We have been married 18 years, together for 21 and have two children, aged 17 and 14.

 

But I'm just not happy. In my heart I believe I know that I don't see myself with him for the next 40 years, yet I do still love him. It's more of an incompatability thing between us and a growth thing on my part.

 

I am in IC and have been for the last few weeks - for the first time yesterday the therapist said to me that there are many times during our discussions when she's felt I'm ready to leave but something is stopping me - whether it be the love I do feel for him, or the fact that I just haven't known anything else (been with him since I was 17).

 

I don't believe marriages need to end in people throwing things at each other or with some big dramatic event to force it's hand (although I actually would rather that to give me something tangible to lay my hat on), rather they sometimes just grow apart.

 

I am so confused right now, and am reaching out to see if there are other women on here that are in the same predicament, or have been in it and come out the other side either way.

 

Thanks for any advice.

[beatcuff]

i am not a woman but have to interject:

 

i have found the biggest failing of MC is the couples tend to arrive at their doorstep after one has all but moved on. you should have gone with H to MC a couple of years ago.

 

i am guessing you are in the 40's. while many jokes are made about 'mid-life crisis' it is real but more of a realization of our mortality. you think you are missing something - maybe you are.

 

it appears your H will be shocked (i was). i find it odd that we discuss every important decision with our spouse but fail to discuss the status of the relationship (i am guilty).

 

i urge you to discuss what you are dealing with. at least to start the process of moving forward (with or without him).

[Decisiontomake]

i am not a woman but have to interject:

 

i have found the biggest failing of MC is the couples tend to arrive at their doorstep after one has all but moved on. you should have gone with H to MC a couple of years ago. We did go to MC a couple of years ago - at my insistence. It helped for a while, and the IC I'm having now (for which I had to make a timeline of our relationship with all highs and lows in it), seems to be identifying a foundation incompatability that has "plagued" our relationship, causing the low points. I feel like I'm a typical "walk away spouse" by which I have put energy into trying to make change over the years, and am slowly coming to the realization that they are short lived and the underlying incompatability remains.

 

i am guessing you are in the 40's. 38! while many jokes are made about 'mid-life crisis' it is real but more of a realization of our mortality. you think you are missing something - maybe you are. I get this. My therapist says I'm very insightful as to the whys and wherefores of what may be occuring. Doesn't mean it's not occuring though!

 

it appears your H will be shocked (i was). i find it odd that we discuss every important decision with our spouse but fail to discuss the status of the relationship (i am guilty). We have had many discussions about what we want in our relationship - many exercises to uncover that. Talking or openness is not the issue. Over the last few weeks we've swung from "lets work on this" to "lets separate" - all driven by me as my husband wants to work on it 100%

 

i urge you to discuss what you are dealing with. at least to start the process of moving forward (with or without him).

I'm not sure if I've already started the process of moving on with out him. Although I can't imagine not being with him. I know that is a contradiction. Whatever rollercoaster I'm on, I don't want to keep him strapped in beside me for the ups and downs while I try and figure out what the hell is going on.

[notbroken]

Sounds like you are about to break up a good marriage over a 'vague feeling of disconent or something better may be out there'. In other words, the grass may be greener on the other side. Be very careful. You have to watch what you ask for. Divorce and separation will cause a few years of serious pain for you, your spouse, and your entire family. Be absolutely sure about what you want.

 

If you can't imagine life without your husband then STOP. You will NOT get to retain him in your life after separation or divorce. You will alienate him from you forever. He will effectively be gone from your life.

[karnak]

In a nutshell, my husband is a lovely guy - he's not abusive, he doesn't go out drinking, he is nurturing and supportive. All the things some people would give their right arm for. We have been married 18 years, together for 21 and have two children, aged 17 and 14.

 

But I'm just not happy. In my heart I believe I know that I don't see myself with him for the next 40 years, yet I do still love him. It's more of an incompatability thing between us and a growth thing on my part.

 

 

Well... you can't force yourself to be happy. No-one can. Life taught me that, when a woman sets her mind into something, she'll do it, regardless of if she has to split the Earth in 2 to do it.

 

Maybe you're starting to feel a sexual need for other partners. Maybe you've started to get disappointed about your husband. Maybe you're starting to feel the need to live a life of adventure, before you die.

 

Who knows? Only you. Or perhaps not even you. Ours subcobscious works in mysterious ways.

 

You must know that, after you ask for a divorce, you can never go back to how things were. But the way they are now is bothering you, right?

 

I believe that, deep down, you've already made the decision to leave your husband. It's just a matter of time.

 

Yet, regardless of the outcome, I must congratulate you on something:

unlike most women in your situation you're deciding on the honest path, instead of choosing the "easier" way and cheating on your husband.

 

And try to read Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity". Maybe it can give you some insight. It may prove useful in the future.

Edited August 30, 2012 by karnak

[Decisiontomake]

Sounds like you are about to break up a good marriage over a 'vague feeling of disconent or something better may be out there'. In other words, the grass may be greener on the other side. Be very careful. You have to watch what you ask for. Divorce and separation will cause a few years of serious pain for you, your spouse, and your entire family. Be absolutely sure about what you want. I wish I was absolutely sure about what I want. That's one of the hard parts of this rollercoaster.

 

If you can't imagine life without your husband then STOP. You will NOT get to retain him in your life after separation or divorce. You will alienate him from you forever. He will effectively be gone from your life.

Not sure I agree with this entirely. Yes, he will be gone from my life as my husband. But he will not be gone from my life as the father of my children. I'm not doing anything to alienate him, and am sure we would be able to be in each others lives once the initial pain of separation has passed.

[Decisiontomake]

Well... you can't force yourself to be happy. No-one can. Life taught me that, when a woman sets her mind into something, she'll do it, regardless of if she has to split the Earth in 2 to do it.

 

Maybe you're starting to feel a sexual need for other partners. Yes. Maybe you've started to get disappointed about your husband. Yes and No. Disappointment has stemmed from a number of years of trying to get him to understand what I would like from him as a partner, and then getting it for a while for him to appease me, only for it to disappear again when he thinks the moment of my discontent has passed. Maybe you're starting to feel the need to live a life of adventure, before you die. Yes, I probably am a cliche in feeling some of this.

 

Who knows? Only you. Or perhaps not even you. Ours subcobscious works in mysterious ways.

 

You must know that, after you ask for a divorce, you can never go back to how things were. But the way they are now is bothering you, right? Yes, it's bothering me and that's probably a good word because that sums up the fact that it's not a massive tangible thing I can lay my hat on.

 

I believe that, deep down, you've already made the decision to leave your husband. It's just a matter of time. I believe that too on some level - even that makes me terribly sad typing it.

 

Yet, regardless of the outcome, I must congratulate you on something:

unlike most women in your situation you're deciding on the honest path, instead of choosing the "easier" way and cheating on your husband.

 

And try to read Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity". Maybe it can give you some insight. It may prove useful in the future.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

[KathyM]

You should be working on your marriage with an actual marriage counselor, not an independent counselor that is not interested in helping your marriage. I do know a couple who were married a long time, unhappy for a few years, separated for several months, and successfully reconciled. They learned what it takes to make a marriage healthy and fulfilling. You should be going to marriage counseling and learning how to build back the things in your marriage that are missing. If your marriage counselor is any good, you will learn the importance of building and maintaining a connection with your husband on a daily basis. You do that through verbal and physical connection. Make an effort to give him a hug and kiss before he leaves in the morning. Call him at lunch to talk about something interesting and to let him know you love him. Greet him with a hug and kiss when you both get home from work. You rebuild the connection through positive verbal and physical interchanges on a daily basis. Work on your sex life as well, to make that the best it can be. Sex is usually very important to husbands, and it is one of the primary ways how men feel love from their wives. Don't neglect that aspect of your marriage. And make plans with your husband to do fun and interesting things together away from the house. Plan a date night once a week. Plan little outtings or mini-vacations together. That will do a lot of good to rebuild the connection that your marriage is lacking. Engage your husband in discussions about a variety of topics. He (and you) need to communicate and verbally stimulate each other. There is a lot you can do to reinvigorate your marriage. I would suggest you try those things, and talk to your husband about the importance of doing those things in your marriage. You can take a proactive approach to fixing your marriage and not just watch it die a slow death. I think you owe it to yourself (and your husband) to do whatever you can to improve it. And do consider marriage counseling. Independent counseling is not going to help your marriage.

[karnak]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

 

Regardless of the outcome if you keep your respect for your husband he'll respect you and your decision in the end.

 

Talking as a man, most guys can't respect their women after divorce when there's infidelity involved. Fortunately that's not your case.

 

In case you decide to split, I suggest you be honest with him and tell him you're feeling the relationship has run its course and want to be free again.

 

Your husband will feel a terrible pain. But, after some time (when the shock passed and the dust has settled) your husband will apreciate your honesty and will respect you and admire for having respected him till the end (that's what true friends do... they protect and respect each other).

 

Look: speaking again as a man, I I know that we humans have sexual and emotional needs. And relationships fizzle and die (in sexual terms). Most of us feel the need to try new bodies and new emotions. There's nothing dirty or disgusting about it. If that need wasn't so strong there wouldn't be as many cases of infidelity as there are nowadays.

 

You've been having troubles with your relationship since 2009. 3 years sure is a long time. If things could be fixed, they would be fixed by now.

 

I'm not trying to push you into a divorce here. Just saying that, as a man (and after having been dumped by my wife), I understand your situation. Do what you think is best for you, your husband and your kids.

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. This site can sometimes be a bit difficult as certain presumptions are made (due to the fact it's hard for OPs to put absolutely all issues into their posts), that are sometimes incorrect. I've answered some of your points below.

 

You should be working on your marriage with an actual marriage counselor, not an independent counselor that is not interested in helping your marriage. My IC has been great, and is a great advocate for staying in, and working on, your marriage. Although I have gone alone (my husband knows I am), she has also been giving us exercises to do together which have been good. I need the IC so that I can express my 100% honest confusion etc as sometimes my feelings change from hour to hour and I am not going drag my husband through that maze.

 

I do know a couple who were married a long time, unhappy for a few years, separated for several months, and successfully reconciled. They learned what it takes to make a marriage healthy and fulfilling. You should be going to marriage counseling and learning how to build back the things in your marriage that are missing. If your marriage counselor is any good, you will learn the importance of building and maintaining a connection with your husband on a daily basis. You do that through verbal and physical connection. Make an effort to give him a hug and kiss before he leaves in the morning. Always do that. Call him at lunch to talk about something interesting and to let him know you love him. Have always done that. Greet him with a hug and kiss when you both get home from work. We still do that. You rebuild the connection through positive verbal and physical interchanges on a daily basis. Work on your sex life as well, to make that the best it can be. We did let that slip, but that has returned over the previous few weeks as we've been going through this re-evaluation. Sex is usually very important to husbands, and it is one of the primary ways how men feel love from their wives. Don't neglect that aspect of your marriage. And make plans with your husband to do fun and interesting things together away from the house. Plan a date night once a week. We go to a restaurant every Friday. Plan little outtings or mini-vacations together. That will do a lot of good to rebuild the connection that your marriage is lacking. Engage your husband in discussions about a variety of topics. He (and you) need to communicate and verbally stimulate each other. One one of the exercises we got from my IC we had to list the important elements to us in a marriage - conversation was high on my list - it was the lowest on his! He is not a "talker" as such, and therefore there is a big mental stimulation that has always been missing for me. I get it from my friends, but have slowly stopped going to my H for that as I know he's not capable/interested (not in a bad way, he wants to be, but just genuinely isn't an intelligent talker). There is a lot you can do to reinvigorate your marriage. I would suggest you try those things, and talk to your husband about the importance of doing those things in your marriage. You can take a proactive approach to fixing your marriage and not just watch it die a slow death. What if you feel like you've done all of those things over the years?? I think you owe it to yourself (and your husband) to do whatever you can to improve it. And do consider marriage counseling. Independent counseling is not going to help your marriage. I disagree with your opinion regarding IC - I would have walked out weeks ago if I had not beein in IC, trying to understand what is going on in my head at the moment.

[Decisiontomake]

im gay

Good for you!

[Decisiontomake]

You've been having troubles with your relationship since 2009. 3 years sure is a long time. If things could be fixed, they would be fixed by now. Sadly, it's a lot longer than that. The timeline I did for the IC was showing problems as far back as 2000 - 12 years!!!! On and off, granted, but fairly consistent in their theme.

 

QUOTE]

 

I appreciate the male perspective. Thank you.

[Decisiontomake]

Your husband will feel a terrible pain.

 

As will I. This doesn't feel painless for me at all, even though it seems to be me that will make that ultimate decision.

[karnak]

I also congratulate you for trying to fix your marriage in these last years.

 

At least you're at peace with yourself, knowing you've done all you could.

[pteromom]

You say you aren't happy.

 

What have you done in your life to bring yourself happiness OUTSIDE your marriage? I mean, for you as a woman...

 

Do you feel your life has meaning? Do you have dreams/goals you are working toward? Do you have friendships and a social life that fill your soul?

 

Your feeling of discontent may have more to do with you than it does with your marriage.

 

You can't look to your husband to give you purpose and meaning. That has to come from within you.

 

So can you work on PERSONAL growth first? Don't worry about your marriage yet. Just work on yourself. Make the rest of your life what you want it to be. As you grow personally, you will see that your marriage either complements what you want out of life or not.

[KathyM]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. This site can sometimes be a bit difficult as certain presumptions are made (due to the fact it's hard for OPs to put absolutely all issues into their posts), that are sometimes incorrect. I've answered some of your points below.

You said in your OP that your counselor asked you what is stopping you from leaving. That doesn't sound like someone who is trying to encourage you to strengthen your marriage. Independent counselors are not usually trained in marriage therapy specifically, and they are more concerned with the short term happiness of the client, and will often be too quick to advocate divorce, even if the client doesn't want a divorce. I would suggest you find a counselor who specializes in marriage and family therapy and who has a good track record of helping people to resolve their marital issues. You would be more likely to have success with such a person. If you are regularly showing physical affection for each other, keeping an emotional connection with each other, spending quality time with each other outside the house, and your only objection is that you can't have the in-depth conversations with your husband that you desire, then it sounds like there's not a whole lot lacking in your marriage. You may want to consider joining a group or activity where you can get more of your needs met for stimulating conversation, such as a political campaign, a book club, or some other interest where you can interact with others in a stimulating way. Why throw away a pretty decent marriage just because your husband is not a real verbally stimulating person? Anyway, my advice is to seek out a counselor who specializes in marriage therapy, appreciate all the good things your husband does provide in the marriage, and if he's not verbally stimulating enough for you, to join activities where you could develop that aspect of your life.

[Decisiontomake]

You are very presumptive in your posts. Offering advice and opinion is one thing. Posting as though I haven't done anything that you're suggesting, or posting as though what you say is "obviously" what I've done is another. You are wrong in what you are saying below regarding my choice of counselor. I am on here to search for answers and have done alot to find them before coming here. I think you should be a little more careful/sensitive in how you put your opiNion across

 

 

 

You said in your OP that your counselor asked you what is stopping you from leaving. That doesn't sound like someone who is trying to encourage you to strengthen your marriage. Independent counselors are not usually trained in marriage therapy specifically, and they are more concerned with the short term happiness of the client, and will often be too quick to advocate divorce, even if the client doesn't want a divorce. I would suggest you find a counselor who specializes in marriage and family therapy and who has a good track record of helping people to resolve their marital issues. You would be more likely to have success with such a person. If you are regularly showing physical affection for each other, keeping an emotional connection with each other, spending quality time with each other outside the house, and your only objection is that you can't have the in-depth conversations with your husband that you desire, then it sounds like there's not a whole lot lacking in your marriage. You may want to consider joining a group or activity where you can get more of your needs met for stimulating conversation, such as a political campaign, a book club, or some other interest where you can interact with others in a stimulating way. Why throw away a pretty decent marriage just because your husband is not a real verbally stimulating person? Anyway, my advice is to seek out a counselor who specializes in marriage therapy, appreciate all the good things your husband does provide in the marriage, and if he's not verbally stimulating enough for you, to join activities where you could develop that aspect of your life.

[Meatballsmom]

There are two others that will be affected by your decision and that being your children and the relationship between them and you.

 

A common faux pax is that they will be ok, and live through this. Totally not true, they will be affected and you are gambling with their future.

 

I for one was in an abusive marriage, and got out of it at about the age of your children. My Ex threatened to kill out daughter, which she used to play guilt trips with her daddy, which in turn led to her dropping out of high school and turning to a life of drugs and prostitution, and more.

 

This in turn affected my younger son, and her actions led to him committing suicide. She could have saved him, but she knowingly lied to me until after we got the call at 2 in the morning.

 

She also had my only grand daughter, but due to her actions and life style the state took her away and I have had no contact with her in four plus years.

 

Though my story is not like yours, two of my co-workers are. The one is almost a copy cat of her life story, married young, had two kids, then upon reaching middle age had a MLC event, eventually walked away from her marriage with a very loving husband and father. A few years later she found some one new and remarried. What a disaster, it was then that she woke up to what she had thrown away, and now her Ex wants nothing to do with her. She is very unhappy and no way to get him back.

 

The other had an affair and left for the new man.

 

In both cases, all of their children once they reached maturity disavowed them and have totally cut them out of their lives. As they said it was "You who broke your vows and by doing so broke up the family by divorcing Daddy.

 

They have grandchildren in their teens that they have NO relationship with at all. The one got to hold her oldest at the hospital when she was born, and nothing since. Other than that one instance their own grand children have never met them and would not recognize them from Adam.

 

Rumor has it that the oldest, now in college is planning a Christmas wedding. Grandma knows that she will not be invited.

 

As for the holidays, instead of family and friends, the one goes to Las Vegas to party and forget. That is no way to spend the holidays.

 

I can not tell you the hell life is knowing that your grand daughter is out there somewhere living with another family and you having no contact with her.

 

However there is hope, as in a couple of years she will turn 18, and I am hoping that she will make contact.

 

As for my co-workers, they have no such hope. They are facing retirement with no hope for the future.

 

I am not saying that this will happen to you. Rather it is attempt to get you too look at things from a different point of view. And a warning that it could happen to you

[Tibby321]

The last post!!!! Spot on. No one can make us happy,a marriage cannot make us happy,we need to be happy with ourselves. I've been where you are and divorce is not the answer,it could be most damaging to you, your husband and your family and this wont make you happy. If he not abusive to you in any way then you are very fortunate to have him in your life!! Make it a decision to be cheerful and loving to your husband,to love him for who he is and with all his faults.

[beatcuff]

it seems that you THINK you are missing something, but not sure what it is and blaming your H for it.

 

i still think you are having a mid-life crisis --- you are troubled that 'this is it'. and there is a part that is coming out saying 'there has to be something more'.

 

i agree with the others that you should work with an MC (not IC) to make certain your 'frustration' is properly directed.

 

i was told by a single 'player' friend of mine--- the grass is not greener on either side --- its all brown, its what you make of it that makes you see green.

[Shundeez]

You say you aren't happy.

 

What have you done in your life to bring yourself happiness OUTSIDE your marriage? I mean, for you as a woman...

 

Do you feel your life has meaning? Do you have dreams/goals you are working toward? Do you have friendships and a social life that fill your soul?

 

Your feeling of discontent may have more to do with you than it does with your marriage.

 

You can't look to your husband to give you purpose and meaning. That has to come from within you.

 

So can you work on PERSONAL growth first? Don't worry about your marriage yet. Just work on yourself. Make the rest of your life what you want it to be. As you grow personally, you will see that your marriage either complements what you want out of life or not.

 

this is probably the best explanation and solution to a wife not being happy I have come across. its so simple its beautiful and explains my situation to a tee. If you don't mind I am going to use this word for word when I next chat to my wife. No doubt she will disagree and come up with some usual malarky about "i just want out" or it "too late" but at least I will find solace in the fact that I have provided a plausible explanation for unhappiness in what seemed like a very happy marriage.

 

In a nutshell my wife has been at home with 2 very young kids (one a baby) for so long she has forgotten what its like to live again. She now has a big house, nanny,no husband around and gone back to work, going out loads and living life again she has found happiness and is blaming me and the marriage for her being so filled with melancholy.

 

Sorry to hijack the post but your statement made so much sense its almost like a revelation in my eyes. I understand so much now. Perhaps thats very plain to see for other here but it some up many a persons situation on this site I'm sure.