ThatJustHappened Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 My guy and I have recently decided to try again, but moving very slowly..not exclusive yet. He moved recently and he put 2 open boxes of condoms in his bedside table. We don't use condoms (I know, but we've both been tested recently, and I am on the pill), so I didn't feel like it was necessary for him to keep them by his bedside table. It makes me uncomfortable. When I confronted him about it, he said he's been keeping condoms by his bed since well before we met, and that it's a guy thing. He volunteered the information that he's not with anyone else and hasn't been since the break up. I told him that keeping those condoms there makes me less inclined to want to sleep with him, and that it makes it hard for me to believe that there's no one else. He is now FURIOUS with me..has been giving me the silent treatment for a full day. In the past, he's gotten upset with me for not opening up to him, and now that I have, he's punishing me for it. Am I wrong? Is he wrong? Did I just approach it the wrong way? A friend of mine said that it's because I used withholding sex as a threat, which wasn't my intention. I honestly didn't think about it like that. I am terrified right now because our relationship is so precarious..we JUST recently decided to date again and now I feel like I've ruined it. But I also don't think I'm wrong in being uncomfortable with the condoms there. Did I ruin it? Is this fixable? I'm panicking... Link to post Share on other sites
Scott68 Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Sorry it is not a "guy thing." It is a I am a child thing or I am an inmature ass thing, but a guy thing? No. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Right..but I don't think he's angry that I asked him to move the condoms, I think he's angry about the way I approached it. I said "having those there makes me less inclined to want to sleep with you"..basically threatening that if he didn't move them, I wouldn't have sex with him. That's what made him angry. I think he'd have been fine moving them if I'd just simply said "it bothers me that you keep them there". Did I mess up very badly? Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Honestly if he decided to be back with you then he should be trying too. Not off running away like a baby. You spoke your mind and now you're having anxiety attacks that you did something wrong. From my experience with my ex, this is NOT the kind of relationship you want to be in. My ex would pull the same crap. If he heard something he didn't want to hear, if I tried to have a conversation about how I felt, he'd pull what your guy just did. I then found myself editing what I'd say, how I'd act... all so I wouldn't get a response like that. Walking on eggshells and being scared that the relationship will end just because you spoke up about how you felt, is NOT a relationship you want to be in. And if these are the games he's going to play, I'd say forget this "second chance." It's already off to a bad start. This doesn't sound like a situation in which both parties are invested in really making it work. Maybe from your end, but from his end no. I can see this continuing on and YOU doing all the work and making all the sacrifices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 I'm not doing all the work at all. You can't honestly tell me that this one incident should define our entire relationship. Last weekend he helped me move, made numerous repairs around my apartment, insisted on paying the movers because he knows I am strapped for cash right now (I will pay him back, no question about that), and after all that, he cooked me dinner. He DVRs my favorite shows for me. He tells me he loves me. He is generally a wonderful boyfriend. Everybody has issues..he can be a bit of a brat sometimes..but this behavior is very rare. I'm not looking to analyze the entire relationship..just this incident. I agree that he's being a brat, and I have backed off to give him his space to cool off..but I also think I should have approached the situation differently. The panic attack is me..not him. I have a severe fear of abandonment..I had a suicidal parent..that messes with a person's head. It makes me believe I am not worth fighting for. These are MY issues and I am seeing a therapist to help work on them. I have an appointment tonight in fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Phoenix Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/342785-no-contact-no-good-get-friendzoned Read Wilson's posts You ignored them because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Your ex is angry at you because you won't give him space. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and you won't give him any space. He cares for you that's why he sticks around Get therapy for your problems not a boyfriend Edited August 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility and respect Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/342785-no-contact-no-good-get-friendzoned Read Wilson's posts You ignored them because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Your ex is angry at you because you won't give him space. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and you won't give him any space. He cares for you that's why he sticks around Get therapy for your problems not a boyfriend I'm not really sure what that has to do with this incident. My boyfriend (his word, not mine) is angry at me because I inadvertantly threatened to withhold sex from him unless he removed the condoms from his bedside table (as I said, I didn't think of it that way until it was pointed out to me by an outside source). If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be with me, period. We see each other 1-2 times a week, and we text every other day, usually initiated by him. As I already mentioned, I am in therapy for my childhood issues. My boyfriend knows this and is very supportive. I don't take them out on him. He has no idea that I've been so upset about our fight. That's why I came here..to get support so that I wouldn't take it out on him. KatZee..thank you for being supportive. While I do disagree with some of what you said, as a lot of the details of your post don't really fit with my relationship, I will certainly take it into account in the future. Edited August 30, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Sorry it is not a "guy thing." It is a I am a child thing or I am an inmature ass thing, but a guy thing? No. I think you're right. He's being a brat. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Your ex is in GIGS Emotionally healthy people do not enter relationships with people in GIGS nor do they find reasons to continue being in a relationship with a person in GIGS. The only 2 reasons I can think of to date someone or be in a relationship with someone in gigs: 1) Big time emotional issues... not enough lap time from the parents is a great example... have no solid personal boundaries and allow themselves to be treated like crap 2) Looking for "Just" Fun... nothing long term Look at your own reactions now on his treatment of you. Yet you continue to blame yourself for his actions. This isnt healthy We all like to point fingers and blame the ex but the old saying goes "Water Seeks Its Own Level" You continue to stay at that level and never rise above it so finger pointing has to be done at yourself too Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 OK, so I know I'm not allways the sharpest tool in the toolbox, but what is the issue anyways about a couple of boxes of condoms in his night stand? I'm trying to understand this but why is this even an issue? Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I understand why its an issue. It implies that hes ready for any random chick that comes along and wants to have sex. And Im sure you would have noticed he had two BOXES of condoms on his nightstand when you were together. That are open... just because? How long were you guys together? Because they expire after like a year or two. I say this because my ex that im trying again with had condoms in his night stand. And yeah of course I asked about it. Because if your having UNPROTECTED SEX with someone its your right to know whats going on with their sex life. It made me feel like someone else had been around. If you dont use those with me.... who you using them with? And he didnt freak out when I asked. Because its a pretty logical question. And Im sure hed have some questions if I had a box of open condoms next to my bed. They actually were from when we had been together... Im very careful about my pill, and if I ever have to use antibiotics I use condoms. It had been a really long time though. The only reason anyone, but especially a guy, get really defensive and over reacts is usually because its something that they may not be being completely honest about. There could POSSIBLY be a case if you have a history of being really really controlling, but even then its a very legitimate concern. It really seems like you have it in your head that your the one that totally screwed up by even saying anything when thats one area where you should be able to say anything. Your sleeping with someone, you get to ask them about their sex life. Especially if they are acting sketchy, and you guys arent exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 you know this could be something as stupid as him putting them there hoping you would count them to see if he was using them and he wanted to show you that there was no one else. Who knows. Its not a guy thing tho. Do the 2 of you use condoms now? Did you when you first started having sex again before you got tested? There is no way that a guy just went to the store and bought 2 boxes of condoms because its a guy thing! Jeesh I am a guy and half the time I am running out in the middle of the night to buy them(talk about killing the mood) Threatening to withhold sex is kinda crappy even tho it wasn't your intention but also a mood killer on his part is you trying to make love to him and having something like that bothering you. Those things would be like "the telltale heart". Sounds like you guys are having major communication issues and instead of talking things out you are both walking on eggshells around each other and then exploding every chance you get. You guys need to get back to being friends and talking really warmly to each other or your relationship is doomed. Tell him that you want to be open and share and just be friends and lovers and try to lighten the mood. Him throwing a hissy fit because you told him to get rid of the condoms is on him. Turn the table on him. Ask him how he would feel if you had condoms in your nightstand. Its not a guy thing!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 I went overboard and texted him incessantly for a few days. He has been giving me the silent treatment but for a few texts here and there. It's killing me. I feel like I ruined the entire relationship. Feels like I am dying inside. I don't understand his reaction, and I don't understand the silent treatment. He knows how much that hurts me. I am not controlling. That's never been an issue with us. We broke up because he lost his job and freaked out about the future. We have still loved each other the whole time. Why is he doing this to me? By the way..he is in his late 30's..he's not some young kid who doesn't know any better. This is so unfair. Why do guys do this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 you know this could be something as stupid as him putting them there hoping you would count them to see if he was using them and he wanted to show you that there was no one else. Who knows. Its not a guy thing tho. Do the 2 of you use condoms now? Did you when you first started having sex again before you got tested? There is no way that a guy just went to the store and bought 2 boxes of condoms because its a guy thing! Jeesh I am a guy and half the time I am running out in the middle of the night to buy them(talk about killing the mood) Threatening to withhold sex is kinda crappy even tho it wasn't your intention but also a mood killer on his part is you trying to make love to him and having something like that bothering you. Those things would be like "the telltale heart". Sounds like you guys are having major communication issues and instead of talking things out you are both walking on eggshells around each other and then exploding every chance you get. You guys need to get back to being friends and talking really warmly to each other or your relationship is doomed. Tell him that you want to be open and share and just be friends and lovers and try to lighten the mood. Him throwing a hissy fit because you told him to get rid of the condoms is on him. Turn the table on him. Ask him how he would feel if you had condoms in your nightstand. Its not a guy thing!! But I didn't even tell him to get rid of them! All I did was tell him that they made me uncomfortable when they're right by the bed. I didn't tell him to throw them out, I didn't ask him to not sleep with anyone else..all I did was tell him that it was a turn off for me to have to know they're there. We're not exploding every chance we get..this is our first fight in months. We've been doing really well until now. Maybe he got scared about how well things were going and needed to pick a fight with me to slow things down. Or maybe he hates me. I don't know. I can't think rationally right now. I'm hurting too badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 Your ex is in GIGS Emotionally healthy people do not enter relationships with people in GIGS nor do they find reasons to continue being in a relationship with a person in GIGS. The only 2 reasons I can think of to date someone or be in a relationship with someone in gigs: 1) Big time emotional issues... not enough lap time from the parents is a great example... have no solid personal boundaries and allow themselves to be treated like crap 2) Looking for "Just" Fun... nothing long term Look at your own reactions now on his treatment of you. Yet you continue to blame yourself for his actions. This isnt healthy We all like to point fingers and blame the ex but the old saying goes "Water Seeks Its Own Level" You continue to stay at that level and never rise above it so finger pointing has to be done at yourself too Thank you for your post. I know you and I have disagreed before and I appreciate your opinion. I genuinely believe that he is not dating other people right now. We didn't break up because of anyone else, we broke up because he lost his job and he freaked out about the future. He wasn't ready to commit to me or anyone else. Now he is freaking out again but I don't understand why this time. We'd come so far..we were THISCLOSE to getting back together, and he was doing most of the initiating. We truly do love each other..I don't doubt that. I just don't understand why he keeps drawing me in and then pushing me away. It just seems so cruel..I can't imagine he's doing it on purpose. It's so cruel, and he's not a cruel person by nature. I'm not saying he doesn't have faults, but that's not one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Yeah I am 38 and I will tell you that something is missing from your relationship. He can't get that full in love feeling from you. He probably loves you but something is either bothering him or he feels like he may still want a different woman. I had a girlfriend when I was 33 years old and this is how I felt. I loved her but the thought of only being with her for the rest of my life was killing me inside. I broke up with her and she started dating and guess what? I wanted her back. Got her back and didn't want her again. did this a couple times till I realized I was really hurting her and I ended up telling her I didn't love her even tho I did but I wanted her to move on and find someone that could make her happy. When she got a new boyfriend I almost tried to get her back but I couldn't do it to her again. Next relationship I was in she was perfect in my eyes and I was in love and ready to commit. Ironically she ended up doing the same thing to me. Same exact coming back every time I met a new girl. She picked fights with me over stupid stuff to break up with me. This guy loves you but he is not in love with you I don't think he is hurting you intentionally but he doesn't want to see you with anyone else. This cycle will repeat over and over and the condom thing was a complete excuse. Don't beat yourself up over it because if it wasn't that it would be something else. This is what is really happening or what gibson said and he is a total piece of garbage that is hurting you for a piece of ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) It's definitely not just for sex, I know that for sure. But it could be what you said Leo. Truthfully we are not together, and he's allowed to sleep with other women. What bothers me is that he volunteered the information that he's not (I did not ask), but he still has the condoms by his bed. It's true that he did have them there when we lived together, but they were already there..I just figured he forgot about them. But he just moved..so now I know he put them there consciously. He almost cheated on me when we were together and I found out about it..since then it's been hard for me to trust him and he knows that and takes full responsibility for it. Also, I've counted the condoms several times and none are missing. He broke up with me when he lost his job. He said he still loved me and was still in love with me but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to ever get married or have kids because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to take care of a family. Before he lost his job we were talking about our wedding and planning our kids' names..he was just as excited about it as I was. Then suddenly he was struggling for money and he wasn't sure. He's working again now, and as soon as he got settled at the new job, that's when he started warming up to me again and acting like he wanted to get back together. But now he's freaking out again. He tells me he loves me and we talk about getting back together, but he knows I'm hesitant because I don't want to get hurt again, and I'm trying really hard not to push him like I did after we first broke up..and he's obviously hesitant too. But I really do love him and we make a great couple. This is the first time he's ever done the silent treatment. I guess I'm just not what he wants. Edited September 3, 2012 by ThatJustHappened Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatJustHappened Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 He's still giving me the silent treatment. I'm done. I've been crying for 3 days straight..I can't sleep..I can't eat. It feels like my heart is dying. Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Had a similar thing with my ex gf. Took her out for really nice dinner one night, wed been trying to work things out for a little while. Got back to mine and there was a condom by the bed. She started interrogating me if there was anyone else, who was i sleeping with. truth was id just put it there because i knew she was coming round and wed sleep together. I was deeply offended, because id made a real effort. It felt like my integrity and actions were being questioned. Its probably the way you said it - like you say, if you guys arent together, then even if he was sleeping with others, he wouldnt be doing anything wrong. but if he is genuinely trying hard, hes probably angry you cant see his actions as good. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Sorry for the sidebar here, but... ThatJustHappened - is your username a Talladega Nights reference? If so, I approve. Link to post Share on other sites
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