Is this an Overreaction on My Part?

[Reg]

My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share J”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then.

 

I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon.

 

Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend.

 

Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months?

 

Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

 

Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort...

 

Now I’m talking about splitting our finances, and I’m seriously considering separating...

[NotCamelot]

The mistake you have made is confronting her before you had proof of anything. IF anything is going, there is a good possibility now that you won't ever get proof. Because, if it is happening, they will be much more careful and more hidden.

 

Did you over-react? Yeah, probably......that is a hard thing NOT to do though.

[freestyle]

No, I don't think you're overreacting at all.

 

The exchange you saw was very inappropriate, for a married person.

 

The fact that she'd been defensive, and dismissive of your feelings is also a pretty huge red flag. YOU are supposed to be your W's best friend, not any other man, & especially NOT her boss.

 

Is he married? If so--I would consider forwarding that email exchange to his W.

 

Pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass--read it yourself, and see if you can get your W to read it.

 

If you want to save the marriage, you need to act fast, before the fog gets any thicker.

[Spark1111]

Reg, trust your gut!

 

Your counselor was an idiot. To confront before you have absolute proof just drives it further underground.

 

She shouldn't have any friend closer to her than you.

 

Can you imagine sending pics to your female boss and having her respond to how out of control your johnson looks?

 

C'mon!

 

Can you see her cell phone or computer history? Can you get a voice activated recorder for her car? Can you access deleted emails?

 

I think you need to trust your instincts, but need more proof.

 

Did you save the inappropriate email regarding her "twins?"

 

Is her boss married?

 

Can you afford a PI for their next trip out of town?

 

Yes, this sounds like a full blown affair, especially in that she does not seem to care what you feel or do.

[TigerCub]

Follow your instincts.

 

What she's doing is inappropriate.

On the other hand, 23 years of marriage is a long time and you may want to fight for that, but it wouldn't be worth if she's not going to fight for it as well.

 

Be honest with your wife and lay it out for her - tell her that you would walk if she continues on the way she is.

You need to get the truth, you need to figure out what you want to do next.

 

I'm not married, and I'm hoping that those who are here will be able to help you out better.

 

But no, honestly I don't think you're overreacting.

[losingmyground]

No you are not mistaken. She is in at least an EA. My guess is they are well beyond that into a PA. You are right to seperate your finances. I would also consult an attorny and get all of your papers in order. Sad to say but most states are now no fault. You do not need to prove she was/is having an affair. That being said, if you can get a hold of her phone and computer you can do a little snooping to see what you can find out. Also, have yourself tested for STDs. It is time that you pull the rug right out from under her.

 

FYI - I have never had a boss that commented on my girls. My girlfriends and I might joke about stuff like that, but I do not talk about them to other men.

[Reg]

I do have a copy of “not just Friends” as recommended by our second couples’ therapist. My wife has not even attempted to read it. I was told by the therapist to stop reading, it because she thought it was doing more harm than good for me.[/FONT]

[2sunny]

I don't think you're "over reacting"!

 

I think you are trying to make itclearthat you don't like HIM taking up HER time and ENERGY! She's FOCUSED on staying in communication with HIM even while she's with YOU!

 

THAT IS AN AFFAIR!

 

IF she's not willing to change everything - including her job and cutting off ALL communication with him - you have no starting point in which to work on the M.

 

Is this guy married?

 

If she flips out - you have your answer = she chooses communicating withand seeing him OVER and ABOVE being married to you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain - but it really looks like all things point to her having a full blown affair with him. When a spouse begins to feel liken "outsider" in theirM - it's because the cheater is squeezing them out by ALLOWING their affair person to take up their timeand energy by staying focused on that person and NOT participating as much onan intimate level wih their spouse.

 

Why not just get honest with her? Tell her she obviously CHOOSES to focus on HIM way more than YOU (her husband)! And that her priorities have left you feeling that their isn't a connection with you two anymore.

 

She's terribly inappropriate with him = they've had sex!

 

Tell her to move today. If that guy is married - tell his wife too... She deserves to know.

 

Can you do those things today?

[karnak]

You posted here and your gut is telling you something.

 

Sorry, lad. But your wife is having an affair (or thinking of having one) with her boss.

 

Way too many stories here similar to yours. Please, prepare yourself for the worst.

 

You'll find many people in Loveshack who will help you and give you good advice, concerning your situation.

[freestyle]

Is her boss married?

[sad puppy]

Way inappropriate behavior. She's in an EA, no doubt about it. Most likely, it's physical too. I'd bet on it.

 

Any woman who had a boss refer to her "twins" would be horrified.

 

If your wife won't read the book, you know all you need to know. I'd make plans to start moving on. Give your wife one last chance, and then, wrap it up.

[BetrayedH]

At minimum, your wife is crossing dangerous boundaries with her boss.

 

She is also being incredibly disrespectful by continuing the behavior when her spouse has expressed serious discomfort with it.

 

As for your snooping, quit feeling bad about it. You looked because your wife was acting suspiciously and sure enough, she was having inappropriate conversations about her lady bits with her boss. She is likely "gaslighting" you, convincing you that you are paranoid (a ploy right out of the cheater's handbook).

 

If anything, I would completely step up your surveillance of her. Most of the betrayed spouses here have learned to trust their gut. Her defensiveness is a huge red flag. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. If your wife was suspicious of your personal email, wouldn't you embrace the opportunity to hand it over to her and relieve her fears? Did she do that for you? I am guessing you heard something about invading her privacy. May I ask, why does your wife need privacy from you? Again, this kind of behavior is straight out of the cheater's handbook.

 

I was going to suggest you get the book, Not Just Friends, to open up her eyes to the danger of having these kinds of opposite-sex friendships. It should be required reading before anyone gets a marriage license. But I think you really better be sure what you are dealing with here first.

 

I don't want to share my whole story with you here but my wife started acting this way, too. Eventually I placed a GPS unit in her car and the first time I pulled the data, it showed her at a hotel from 10pm til midnight. Turns out she had been having a year-long affair with (wait for it...) her boss. I had been with her for 18 years at the time, married for 12, two small kids, pretty normal happy life. NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE. They booked like 70 hotel rooms over that year and carried on right under my nose. You really need to know what you're dealing with before you can move forward. My personal vote is that you find out the truth.

[TaraMaiden]

The red flag for me - and i think it's noteworthy - is that, when you first voiced the opinion about separating your finances - she didn't object, she didn't protest, she didn't argue, she didn't plead, she didn't apologise, she didn't explain....

she said -

 

"is this a prelude to one of us moving out”.

 

She may have investments, but sadly, I don't think this marriage is one of them....

 

I think, with every single response and reaction to what you have put forward, she has made it clearer and clearer, that frankly, if you'd like to divorce, feel free to do so, because she's patently, obviously not that bothered.....

[BetrayedH]

I do have a copy of “not just Friends” as recommended by our second couples’ therapist. My wife has not even attempted to read it. I was told by the therapist to stop reading, it because she thought it was doing more harm than good for me.[/FONT]

 

Dump this therapist. The ones that are not experts in infidelity are much more harm than good. Sadly, they all think they are experts in infidelity. I GUARANTEE that you will find more sound advice here for the initial stages.

[Reg]

No, I can’t get aces to her computer and phone records, due to circumstances I can’t control.

 

I could do the VAR, but this has been going on for long enough now, that I feel I have tried.

 

We went to two different couple therapist, and we were not successful. The first counselor accused my wife of “stonewalling”, which angered her to the point that she stormed out of the session before it was complete. Needless to say, we didn’t see that person again.

 

The second counselor yelled out that the e-mail in question was sexual harassment when she heard the exact wording in it, to which my wife explained it was not sexual harassment if the one on the receiving end didn’t perceive it that way. For me, that says it all. She reached out in conversation that looked for a certain response, and she got it.

[TaraMaiden]

Reg, I don't know where you live, but if it's the UK, and you decide to separate, (Even if you continue living under the same roof), make sure you sever joint finances - and ensure you have a record of that date. Get a document signed to state that from that day, you will not make any claim on any finances she accrues - and of course, she would agree the same for you.

Get it independently witnessed, dated and signed.

 

Existing assets (joint mortgage, pensions...) will have to be split.... but ensure that from the official day you separate, your finances also do the same.

This means that should you win the lottery, she doesn't get a share.

 

(unfortunately, should she do the same, the reverse would apply....

Just hope she never buys that ticket, ok....? )

[BetrayedH]

No, I can’t get aces to her computer and phone records, due to circumstances I can’t control.

 

I could do the VAR, but this has been going on for long enough now, that I feel I have tried.

 

We went to two different couple therapist, and we were not successful. The first counselor accused my wife of “stonewalling”, which angered her to the point that she stormed out of the session before it was complete. Needless to say, we didn’t see that person again.

 

The second counselor yelled out that the e-mail in question was sexual harassment when she heard the exact wording in it, to which my wife explained it was not sexual harassment if the one on the receiving end didn’t perceive it that way. For me, that says it all. She reached out in conversation that looked for a certain response, and she got it.

 

If you cannot look at phone/computer history (assuming they are for work) - you can:

 

Look closely at your financial records

Place a keylogger on any personal computers

Place a VAR in her car or any other place she typically takes calls.

GPS her car

Hire a private investigator

 

Even if you have already decided to throw in the towel on the marriage, you will most certainly want or need this information for divorce proceedings (child custody, alimony). I would not make this easy for her.

[Reg]

Yes, her boss is married. He has older children.

 

I also agree that her response to my asking to split our finances has been a little strange too. She does seem more angered by it than concerned. She stated that this ws it for her, and she was done. At first, she said one of us needed to move out of the bedroom, and that first night slept on a couch. However, that next day I told her I would sleep in the bedroom, and it was up to her if she wanted to sleep somewhere else.

[Reg]

I agree that I probably should have gotten a PI, but I really can’t afford to.

 

Though, I think I’m mentally/emotionally ready to just move on

[freestyle]

Yes, her boss is married. He has older children.

 

I also agree that her response to my asking to split our finances has been a little strange too. She does seem more angered by it than concerned. She stated that this ws it for her, and she was done. At first, she said one of us needed to move out of the bedroom, and that first night slept on a couch. However, that next day I told her I would sleep in the bedroom, and it was up to her if she wanted to sleep somewhere else.

 

His W needs to be informed ASAP.

 

And DON'T warn your W that you're going to take that route, it's likely to cause a pre-emptive strike of you being painted as "crazy jealous"

 

Whatever proof you can muster needs to be brought to her somehow, some way.

[GorillaTheater]

Yes, her boss is married. He has older children.

 

...

 

At first, she said one of us needed to move out of the bedroom, and that first night slept on a couch. However, that next day I told her I would sleep in the bedroom, and it was up to her if she wanted to sleep somewhere else.

 

Absolutely well-done on the bedroom front.

[Reg]

The only proof I could provide to the other man’s wife is copies of the original e-mail conversation, and my own accounts of the last 15 months. With me not being 100% sure about everything, I’m hesitant to begin hurting other people.

[GorillaTheater]

Though, I think I’m mentally/emotionally ready to just move on

 

Fair enough. Are your kids still minors? Now's the time to start thinking about custody issues if they are. And it's time to start talking to a lawyer as well.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, her boss is married. He has older children.

 

I also agree that her response to my asking to split our finances has been a little strange too. She does seem more angered by it than concerned. She stated that this ws it for her, and she was done. At first, she said one of us needed to move out of the bedroom, and that first night slept on a couch. However, that next day I told her I would sleep in the bedroom, and it was up to her if she wanted to sleep somewhere else.

 

Consider talking to the other man's wife. In some cases, they can be an ally for you to discover the affair. Unfortunately, in other cases the husband may just convince her that you're the crazy stalker husband of one of her employees. It would be nice if you had more proof than the original flirty text (which I assume you don't even have at this point).

[KathyM]

It's definately an inappropriate relationship with her boss. Hard to say if it is an actual emotional affair, but I think you need to do some more research and find out the extent of her involvement with her boss. Like Spark suggested, get a key logger and a GPS for her car so you can check the extent of her involvement. Only after you have absolute proof that she is having an emotional or physical affair should you make a major decision to leave. I would admit that the "friendship" is inappropriate, but I don't think you have enough proof that it is an emotional affair. If nothing more comes up after doing some investigation, then you need to establish firm boundaries with your wife that she needs to respect in order to protect your relationship, such as not taking calls from him during non-working hours, or if that's not possible, keeping the calls business-related only. Not exchanging personal conversations with him via Email or FB. And keeping any business trips strictly business without adding too much of a friendship element into it. As other posters have said, YOU are supposed to be her best friend--not this boss. So do a little investigation, and if you find evidence of an emotional or physical affair, then consider ending the marriage. If it appears there is just an overly-invested friendship, then you need to establish boundaries with your wife that she needs to set with her interactions with her boss.