Is this an Overreaction on My Part?

[BetrayedH]

I just wanted to add that I'm sorry for what you are going thru. This is a brutal situation to be in. There's no question. Unfortunately, it stays pretty crappy for quite a while. Right now you are getting tough feedback on what you should do and a lot of it. It's a lot to handle. But you have many years of experience with this nonsense right in front of you and I'm sorry to say that your situation is screaming out as fitting the mold in textbook perfect fashion. It sucks.

 

But what will start helping you is taking some of your power back. Right now you are at a loss (completely understandable) and your wife is calling all of the shots.

 

What will help you is taking some control of your situation. As I see it, you have these options:

 

(1) Stay where you are and keep banging your head against a wall. You have tried counseling to no avail.

 

(2) Stay and quietly try to determine the truth so you can make a decision about how you want to move forward.

 

(3) Stay and put your damn foot down without the cold, hard proof. You separate finances and file for divorce. She either straightens up or you move forward with it.

 

(4) Leave and file for divorce.

 

If you stay without firm action, you can pretty well guarantee that the status quo will continue.

 

If you leave, you probably play right into her hand. She would be able to have had her affair without ever being exposed and she can even say that she was obviously right to think that the marriage was doomed to fail on its own since you were ultimately the one to leave (while she was still "trying") and you didn't even "know" about the affair. She has complete deniability and walks away. She gets a free pass, the house, to continue on with her AP, and you quietly slink away. She could even hit you with a charge of "abandonment."

 

I think options 2 and 3 are your only choices here. You seem frustrated about trying to gather information and my gut says you don't have the stomach for it. In the end, you will never miss the money you spend on a PI. Finding out the truth that the demise of this marriage was not your fault after all was something that was priceless to me. Regardless, it's your choice.

 

So this leaves option 3. Stay there and take aggressive action. She doesn't like passive-aggressive? Perfect. Your firm stance is likely to get you respect that she doesn't currently offer to you. The single best way to end this affair is to file for divorce and make it clear that you are proceeding until she shows you with measurable actions what this marriage means to her. You need to BURST this affair bubble. Right now she is living in a pure fantasy land with no consequences and she thinks she holds all of the cards. She needs to see the cold, hard consequences of her actions if she does not change. And it will not be that you quietly slink away. You contact the other man's wife, you expose this to her family, to your family, to the HR department at work and you show her that THIS is how you are going to fight for your marriage. You want respect from her? You want results? You have tried the soft approach. Stand up, make it clear what is acceptable behavior and then accept nothing less. You don't back down; you deny her the continuation of this fantasy and you show her how miserable real life will be if she continues this path. Side bonus: the OM is gonna hate all of this drama and may even dump your W when the stuff hits the fan. It's even common for the OM to throw his OW under the bus, telling his wife what a crazy stalker your wife is, that she was the predator, that he wants to restore his marriage, and so forth. Your wife would be thrilled about being under all of the wheels of the bus. Like I said, affair bubble burst. But what you do not do it tolerate her continuing in it.

 

I really hope you are able to shake away this shock that you're in. Once you start standing up for yourself and what is right, your self-respect returns and you start to see results. She created this mess. Dump it right back in her damn lap.

 

My $.02 anyway. As strange as it sounds, even if you want to reconcile your marriage, filing for divorce is the single fastest way to take charge of the situation, gain self-respect, gain her respect, and to make change happen (the result is that she either starts making improvements or you are on your way to divorce proceedings).

 

I wish you luck and strength.

[Reg]

BH

The more detailed investigation part of this has circumstances here that I can’t get in to.

 

I believe I have already been doing options 1 and 2, and I am now in the process of implementing option 3.

 

I agree she seems to have been happy with status quo when ever I let that be the case over the last year.

 

If my feelings of mistrust and disappointment don’t change, I don’t see myself wanting to save the marriage. If the things that we are speculating (to some degree) here, then why would I want to be married to a person that feels that way about me???? I have felt disrespected and played at times.

[Reg]

Abe

That’s where I’m at too.

[TaraMaiden]

Then maybe you should pause and let your next post be "I filed, she's out"....

[GorillaTheater]

Have you actually separated your finances, cancelled joint credit cards and so forth? Please do it today or tomorrow.

 

Arrange as many consultations with good divorce lawyers in your area as you can. Not only is this being a good consumer, but it prevents any of them from representing your wife due to ethics rules.

 

Is custody going to be an issue? If so, go here:

 

Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

[2sunny]

BH

The more detailed investigation part of this has circumstances here that I can’t get in to.

 

I believe I have already been doing options 1 and 2, and I am now in the process of implementing option 3.

 

I agree she seems to have been happy with status quo when ever I let that be the case over the last year.

 

If my feelings of mistrust and disappointment don’t change, I don’t see myself wanting to save the marriage. If the things that we are speculating (to some degree) here, then why would I want to be married to a person that feels that way about me???? I have felt disrespected and played at times.

 

Alright... So now that you know she's not going to be the one to change anything - what are YOU going to DO to change this?

 

The threat of separating money is only an idle threat IF you don't separate it ALL today.

 

And I'd get busy on that because if SHE has handled all the money so far - you may not even know if she's been hiding some from you - you need to get busy finding some things out.

 

MOVE whatever money you know about. Find out where she keeps the money. Does she file bank/investment papers somewhere that you can view them all?

[BetrayedH]

BH

The more detailed investigation part of this has circumstances here that I can’t get in to.

 

I believe I have already been doing options 1 and 2, and I am now in the process of implementing option 3.

 

I agree she seems to have been happy with status quo when ever I let that be the case over the last year.

 

If my feelings of mistrust and disappointment don’t change, I don’t see myself wanting to save the marriage. If the things that we are speculating (to some degree) here, then why would I want to be married to a person that feels that way about me???? I have felt disrespected and played at times.

 

I can respect all of that and I'll try to stop pressing you further. I still encourage you (if you are able) to place a VAR under her steering column and a GPS in there, too. Considering the freedom they seem to have in the work environment, I would bet on mid-day hotels. I would just think you would want to know that your marriage failed due to her infidelity, not due to some paranoia on your part. Otherwise, I don't know how you explain all of this to friends, family and the kids without bearing the responsibility for being a quitter on the marriage. Either way, it sounds like it is time to consult an attorney on your options. Sorry, I was going to stop pressuring you, right?

 

Truly, I just hope you can stay strong for yourself thru this. You didn't ask for it. Start looking forward to the next phase of life after this mess. It is out there.

[2sunny]

Are you having unprotected sex with your wife? I hope not!

 

Listen - no man has ever commented on "my twins" unless it was a man who had seen them up close and personal!

 

She had you take that picture of her specifically to send to HIM! That just sucks. Then she turns it into a conversation that would embarrass her if anyone else saw it... Hmmm, how would she explain that to the people she works with?

 

She says he's her best friend - if THAT'S not a slap in your face I don't know what is - YOU are SUPPOSEDto have THATpositionfor HER... But she's blatantly telling you that she's replaced you.

 

Over reacting? NOPE! She's saying YOU aren't HER priority now = HE IS!

 

Act accordingly = like you KNOW she isn't holding you in high regard.

 

And give consequences that will hurt her because as long as she's "comfortable" with things the way they are - she will continue to hurt YOU... Bybeingclose and intimate with HIM.

 

I'd call the wife of her OM and inform her TODAY!

[Reg]

sunny

Well, when were still having sex, it was unprotected. However, now there has been nothing. I can count on one hand the number of times this year. I’m sure after I asked to separate our finances, that was the final straw on our sex life. Earlier this year I told her I needed sex in the relationship to continue to feel close and connected, and she responded for her it was just the opposite (meaning she needed to feel close, before there could be sex). I have been married for over 23 years...to this woman. Its damn frustrating because I’m still very attracted to her (maybe a guy thing).

 

I feel the same way about the picture that day.

 

I have the same way about the “best friend” relationship with her boss since I first heard that.

 

I have been telling her for months now that she is hurting me, with little to no change or reactions from her.

 

I have been telling myself for months that their relationship is just an inappropriate one or an EA, and that she has convinced her self that there is nothing wrong with what they have done. I keep thinking there is no way they have a PA, but I really do not know. To be honest though, even if it’s a EA, that’s enough for me to be done after this past year.

 

I don’t know if I have enough to go to OM’s wife.

[Reg]

Well, the sex part of our marriage this has made me suspicious the whole time... We used to be what I thought was normal, but every since this started 15 months ago, it’s become less and less frequent.

[2sunny]

All signs say she's cheating... Yet you still don't seem to be taking action to take YOUR power back.

 

You've handed her too much power in this R... Time to begin taking care of you and your future without her.

 

She checked out of e M long ago - time to show her what life is like when she REALLY leaves the M.

[Reg]

I agree sunny.

 

I will begin to regain control of myself. It’s just soooooo damn frustrating and and still unbelievable that this has happened.

[BetrayedH]

I agree sunny.

 

I will begin to regain control of myself. It’s just soooooo damn frustrating and and still unbelievable that this has happened.

 

Unfortunately, that is something you have to get used to. I am about 18 months from my Dday and still wake up amazed that this is my life. It is normal to be paralyzed with inaction for a while. I hope you can snap yourself out of it soon. At some point, you decide you're not going to choke down another sh/t sandwich. Turns out they taste like sh/t.

[2sunny]

I agree sunny.

 

I will begin to regain control of myself. It’s just soooooo damn frustrating and and still unbelievable that this has happened.

 

I know the feeling - and I'm sorry that this brings change and heartache.

 

On the sex issue- she's not having sex with you because she's having sex with him.

 

Do things to help yourself. Start by taking SOME solid action each day to move forward! What ACTION have you accomplished TODAY that changes everything? What action is planned for tomorrow? You need to get PROACTIVE NOW!

 

Standing still HOPING things change isn't gonna cut it...YOU need to be doing things to be sure SHE gets the strong message that YOU will be moving FORWARD since she has CHOSEN to be "intimately tied" to HIM.

 

All YOUR actions and decisions should NOW be designed to be in YOUR best interest! Make choices that help you and your kids.

 

If need be - expose to everyone who will listen. Exposure helps to brings things out - when it's no longer a "secret" it's not as exciting... And she may as well start suffering the CONSEQUENCES of her CHOICES (HIM).

 

I'd just tell her simply and calmly - YOU chose YOUR best friend over me, the kids, the M andour family. Now I'm just realizing YOU have squeezed any intimacy out of our relationship by replacing me with the OM ---> so you got what you want ---> I hope he is worth it to you. This marriage is now ended so please pack your things and leave tonight.

 

Any excuse she gives is unreasonable ---> UNLESS she quits the job immediately AND NEVER communicates with her OM again!

[Spark1111]

I know there is so much on your plate to digest now.....all great advice here.

 

I would add this: After informing the boss's wife, or sending her whatever evidence you may have, call the boss.

 

When the time is right, tell him you abhor his inappropriate relationship with your wife. Tell him that you have sent evidence to his wife. Tell him off.

 

Expose your knowledge of this relationship to his wife and to him, and friends and family who may support you, whatever you decide.

 

Watch the rats scurry.

 

Nothing takes the shine off an affair as quick as exposure does.

 

Whether you divorce or renconcile, make NO MISTAKE that you and the boss's wife are the only true victims in this situation. Your kids too.

 

Enjoy some vindication before you pull the plug.

 

STOP keeping her secrets in an effort to protect her, your marriage or yourself.

[whichwayisup]

I don’t know if I have enough to go to OM’s wife.

 

Then just tell his wife that you don't like their friendship, they're too close, it's inappropriate and ask her how she feels about her husband spending too much time talking, texting, emailing and seeing your wife. I'm sure she will feel the same as you..That is, IF she even knows of the friendship. Doing that will make her more aware.

[Reg]

Oh, the OM wife knows they are friends. We all have been together socially.

[CarrieT]

Oh, the OM wife knows they are friends. We all have been together socially.

 

But does she know that your wife sent him pictures and talked intimately with him about "her twins?"

[Reg]

As far as I know the OM's Wife doesn't know anything about the e-mail.

[redtail]

Reg, first of all, I'm sorry, this is not easy at all. It hurts, I get that because I've been there, it was 21 years of marriage for me. But, your wife is having an affair, period.

 

Start today, now, to do the things you need to do to sever the relationship. Mourn over what was, because it no longer is, it is not recoverable and your wife is not the person you love, remember that.

 

It will take time but be consistent and act with resolve, it is very therapeutic. Think ahead, down the road where you are free, there will come a time once this is over where love will come into your life and you'll wonder why you waited so long to act.

 

Trust me Reg, I hated people talking about divorce to me when I found out about my (ex)wife's affair, but once I made my decision, I felt so much better about myself. Divorce is like taking off a band-aid, best if done quickly.

 

Best of luck to you my friend.

Edited August 31, 2012 by redtail

[Reg]

redtail

 

I understand I must move forward. Unfortunately as I move in to separation phase of our relationship I will always have the nagging lack of knowledge of rather or not she really is in a full fledge PA, EA, or just an inappropriate friendship. However, I believe that no matter which of these it is she should have been more understanding of my pain, and acted asmost of us would expect a spouse, to be empathetic. Due to circumstances beyond my control (or best interests), I can’t hire a PI, and I can’t snoop on her work gadgets.

 

Therefore, after 15 months of trying several different approaches to reconcile/fix this relationship, this leaves me with no options left but to begin the ending. She is so far cooperating with the giving of information on our finances. However, there has been some shredding going on this week…

 

Along with our shared debt, my biggest concern is our two children. As with everything in life,the timing is bad.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Reg

[2sunny]

What has she been shredding?

 

Did you move money today? The money you know about?

 

Did you close her credit cards yet?

[Reg]

We have been communicating back in forth via e-mail about this subject. She has agreed to take on the bulk of the credit cards.

 

I should know in the next day or so if we can afford one of us to move out, or if we have to be separated while in the same house.

[GLDheart]

In the end, YOU are the one that has to live with how you handle this. I applaud your true effort at keeping the marriage together. AND, I applaud you also now taking a stand and taking action.

 

Closure here is pretty tough. Your wife is burying the evidence and literally shredding anything that can expose this. If you are determined to uncover the last bits of this, you need an ally. Speak to the Other Man's wife and ask her to do invetigation secretly from her end. If there is anything left, she has a better shot at it now than you do.

 

Exposing the affair to anyone and everyone is a great way to "go out with a bang" it's a bit twisted but after her anger subsides she may just someday respect your ballseyness.

[CarrieT]

We have been communicating back in forth via e-mail about this subject. She has agreed to take on the bulk of the credit cards.

 

Be very, very careful of this. I did this in my divorce only to find out after the fact that living in a community property state, it didn't matter that my ExH agreed to pay the debt: When he stopped making payments and went into arrears, the credit card companies came after me and attached my bank accounts.

 

In all, *I* ended up paying almost $200k worth of debt that he agreed was his... :mad: