Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 I still have copies of the e-mail in other locations... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Reg, if the exchange was "innocent"...then how could taking that to the boss's wife "hurt" her? Clearly...it's not an innocent exchange, and equally as clearly, your wife and her boss have crossed a line. In fact, you should consider sending the email to HIS boss, as well as his wife. Inform that higher boss of what's going on, that it's inappropriate, and that you'd appreciate it if the company would take action to prevent this from happening further. The worst that they'll do is tell you no, or ignore you. At this point, with how bad things are...what have you got to lose? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 The only proof I could provide to the other man’s wife is copies of the original e-mail conversation, and my own accounts of the last 15 months. With me not being 100% sure about everything, I’m hesitant to begin hurting other people. Frankly, I think you'd be doing his W a favor, by letting her know how inappropriate things had become. I sure as he** would want to know if my guy was talking to another woman that way. Yes it would be a painful discovery---but at least: I could then make a more accurately informed assessment about where I was investing my emotional currency---(not to mention being financially entwined) I would want to know if I was being defrauded. You could preface it by saying that you weren't 100% sure anything physical was happening, but the evidence of an EA is glaring already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 KM I tried to establish these boundaries with her. The last counselor even mentioned that we should have had already talked about these boundaries. My wife refused to change her day to day relationship with her boss, she says he is now her best friend, and when I ask if she loves him she says “yes, as a friend”. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend. Bull crap. You are supposed to be her bestfriend, not him! Ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed? I'm sure she would not like it one bit and would be hurt/jealous/angry. Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months? No. She is cheating on you. You haven't overreacted. is her boss married? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 (read the thread..... Yes, he is...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have tried many times to have her look at it as if it was the other way around, and I get little to no response on that point of view. In fact, when I try to talk to her about this issue she now gets angry when I use that approach from the “what if it were the other way around” angle. She recently told me you don’t know for sure how you would react if it was you instead. Which had me thinking what the h^$#! Does that mean???? Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have tried many times to have her look at it as if it was the other way around, and I get little to no response on that point of view. In fact, when I try to talk to her about this issue she now gets angry when I use that approach from the “what if it were the other way around” angle. She recently told me you don’t know for sure how you would react if it was you instead. Which had me thinking what the h^$#! Does that mean???? She's selfish trash. Dump her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have tried many times to have her look at it as if it was the other way around, and I get little to no response on that point of view. In fact, when I try to talk to her about this issue she now gets angry when I use that approach from the “what if it were the other way around” angle. She recently told me you don’t know for sure how you would react if it was you instead. Which had me thinking what the h^$#! Does that mean???? That's Blameshifting and Accountability Dodging 101. In a nutshell. Do some more reading on "the Affair Fog"---as well as "The 180"--it will help increase your understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I was also able to guess at my wife's username and password for A LOT of stuff. Found a lot of her hotels that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 In the past year I have mentioned to her what would his wife think of me showing her this e-mail, and she always seems horrified to me. This tells me that she at least knows this something that looks bad. However, I already had that impression when she put in the subject line of the e-mail. “can’t share this”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have tried many times to have her look at it as if it was the other way around, and I get little to no response on that point of view. In fact, when I try to talk to her about this issue she now gets angry when I use that approach from the “what if it were the other way around” angle. She recently told me you don’t know for sure how you would react if it was you instead. Which had me thinking what the h^$#! Does that mean???? It means that she wouldn't react that harshly considering she is an affair of her own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 She doesn't respect you. She's tied to the affair fog with her OM. Have her move out today! Since she won't see it as inappropriate - the give her consequences. Proceed as if divorcing so SHE gets the clear message that this IS NOT OK with you!!! She's not respecting you or the M - she's committed to her OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have read about the fog, and that sounds realistic, but not comforting when you are on the wrong end of it. In addition, I have read about the 180, and I’m trying that now in conjunction with the request to separate our finances. I will say though, that in the past when I go quiet it really does not work with her. She is always complaining about people that use the passive aggressive approach to disagreements. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I have read about the fog, and that sounds realistic, but not comforting when you are on the wrong end of it. In addition, I have read about the 180, and I’m trying that now in conjunction with the request to separate our finances. I will say though, that in the past when I go quiet it really does not work with her. She is always complaining about people that use the passive aggressive approach to disagreements. So be clear with ACTION that match HOW YOU FEEL! Pack her a few bags and tell her that her things are by the front door! State that you don't care where she goes - as long as its notwithstanding YOU! UNLESS she's totally willing to quit the job today and not communicate with that douchebag any further. Change the locks so she can't get in! And move money BEFORE you tell her - it's too bad you gave her that warning - because I'd bet money she already took it and moved it to HER name only! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 KM I tried to establish these boundaries with her. The last counselor even mentioned that we should have had already talked about these boundaries. My wife refused to change her day to day relationship with her boss, she says he is now her best friend, and when I ask if she loves him she says “yes, as a friend”. So she has no respect for your feelings about this, and is basically saying she's going to continue regardless of how you feel about this. Then your next move is to say that if she has so little respect for you and for your marriage that she is not willing to set appropriate boundaries to protect it, then maybe it's time to end it. If she doesn't value your relationship enough to protect it, then maybe it's time to call it quits. If she doesn't take you seriously after saying this, then separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Don’t know about the money. One problem is that I let her manage most of our accounts for some time now. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 Hey Reg---is her boss, just an immediate superior, or does he own the company---if just an immediate superior, you can go the the companies HR/exec. dept, and start raising he*l-------you got nothing to lose, cuz your wife isn't in your mge anymore anyway Definitely contact his wife----with whatever you have----if nothing else it should get his wife to checking/controlling him If you really want to still have a mge---you are gonna have to become very harsh, such as file for D.---this will at least wake her up to the reality that you are now deadly serious. or take all her clothes, packed in suitcases, and take them to her bosses office, while everyone is at work, and tell him so everyone can hear---since you are trying very hard to break-up my mge, and family, you have succeeded,---here you go---here is her clothes, she is yours, YOU TAKE CARE OF HER-----I promise you---there will be reactions all over the place!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share J”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then. This is CERTAINLY inappropriate. But it doesn't mean she is having an EA. I have friends who joke like this and who aren't in affairs. I've worked in offices where we ALL joke like this with each other. And - her not telling you that her boss would be on a business trip is understandable if you are accusing her of an affair with him. I wouldn't want to tell you either! But here's the thing - if she's telling the truth and he's just a friend, then she should be willing to be open about it. To talk to you about it. To prioritize you in some way. To take your concerns seriously and address them. So whether you are overreacting or not, you do have reason for concern. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 They take many business trips together each of the last two years. This stood out to me. Has your wife's job genuinely changed in the last two years to warrant her going on business trips? If not then this could be misuse of company funds if your wife's boss is using them to pay for her to come along too. Even if he paying out from personal funds, he is giving her extra time off so to speak which again is theft. Do his superior's know about this..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 To summarize how I feel about it: At the very least most people seem to agree this is an inappropriate relationship she has with her boss (inappropriate because 1. she’s married, 2. he’s married, 3. he’s her boss, 4. her husband perceives it as something that is at least an EA). This doesn’t even take in to account what the husband witnessed as their behavior in social outings between the two of them. The husband has been to counseling on his own (by himself), were the therapist said the relationship with the boss is inappropriate. The couple has been two different couples’ therapists. The first one tried to get the wife to open up about her relationship with the boss, but this lead to her storming out when accused of stonewalling. That first therapist then told the husband good luck, and he had better get his personal affairs in order because she is one tough cookie. The second therapist tried a different tact in rebuilding the couple’s marriage, by addressing their feelings for each other and learning compromising. However, the wife refuses to alter her relationship with her boss to strictly business. When this therapist heard exact wording in the e-mail she yelled out that is sexual harassment, to which the wife responded, “Not if the receiver doesn’t perceive it that way”. Moreover, the couple has ceased going to this second therapist too. Their intimacy level has dropped to zero. The wife feels very strongly that her boss is her best friend, and she loves him as such. The husband feels at bare minimum that even if his perceptions have lead him astray that the wife would show some empathy for what he is going through emotionally. Which would lead to some change in activities with her boss, but this has not happened. The husband has decided after the most recent business trip, and lack transparency that it is time to begin separation of finances, and leans toward actual marriage separation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 And he had better make it quick.... have we discussed how old your children are....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 Our children aren’t young, but around. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 In that case, they're not stupid. Are they 'independent' older, or 'still at home but getting there' older....? What do they know, or what do you think they've picked up....? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 30, 2012 Author Share Posted August 30, 2012 The children are at home, but not aware of anything (I think). I believe this is a contributing factor to why my wife hasn’t pulled the plug herself, but I’m not sure about. We don’t exactly talk anymore, and I think that’s been the case for a while now. Link to post Share on other sites
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