Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Actually, because of our work, I think she is more worried about debt and anything that would lead to bankruptcy. This could affect her job standing, which is way too important to her at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 What has she been shredding? Did you move money today? The money you know about? Did you close her credit cards yet? We have been communicating back in forth via e-mail about this subject. She has agreed to take on the bulk of the credit cards. I should know in the next day or so if we can afford one of us to move out, or if we have to be separated while in the same house. You don't seem to be answering questions clearly. Seems like you're avoiding answering each time. It's difficult to pull info out of someone. Even IF she takes the credit card debt - CLOSE THEM! She can open cards in HER OWN NAME if she wants to use a card. She's shredding evidence - find out what she's hiding! When there's nothing to hide - people don't start shredding! By the way - no one ever thinks they CAN AFFORD to separate - it happens because one person takes a stance that makes the other person move out! Take your power back and make sure she is the one who moves. You're making it too easy for HER to buy more time to cover up HER EVIDENCE - evidence you may NEED! Get her out now! Close those cards! Did you move all money today? IF you didn't - it's probably all been moved to HER NAME ONLY! Get busy staying AHEAD of her! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Actually, because of our work, I think she is more worried about debt and anything that would lead to bankruptcy. This could affect her job standing, which is way too important to her at this point. Remember - she's NOW not the woman you thought she COULD be! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 It is bad enough they crush your soul, and then they haveto be vindictive too… No, I have not made arrangements yet to set all money as Isee fit, but as I stated it’s in her best interest, more than mine, to makesure we are not financially hurt. Could I be missing something, you bet. I realize she hasn’t been the woman I thought she was forsome time now, but I will admit just how much different I didn’t (and still don’tfully) know. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 My wife and I have been married for 23 years this past winter, and two kids. I have been in an ongoing argument with my wife over her relationship with her boss. I began to feel that their relationship was becoming inappropriate last year (15 months ago). They take many business trips together each of the last two years. They were talking to each other constantly via work Blackberry, and work laptops, and personal laptops (e-mail). I even mentioned to her that this seemed to be a little too much. Then one day last summer after we spent a day together I felt uneasy about the way she was acting, for instance having me take a picture of her while we were visiting a winery (something she would almost never do). That night after she went to bed I did the unthinkable, I looked at her personal e-mail. I was so convinced that their might be something going on I couldn’t resist the temptation to look. Then I saw it. While we were watching a move together that night she had emailed him pictures form our winery outing that day. The subject line said “Pics – you can’t share J”. In the message she wrote about the dress she wore that day and mentioned that it made her look like she had assets that she didn’t really have. Her boss responded back by saying something like this “my goodness...the twins were acting a bit rambunctious today and showing off. You should have a talk with them about behaving responsibly. ;-) Then they went back and forth about how she was blushing then. I was absolutely horrified when I saw this. I went to see a counselor about it to make sure I wasn’t misreading it. The counselor advised that it might be best if I confronted my wife about this in a couple therapy sessions. I convinced my wife to go to couples therapy, and that’s when I told her about me seeing the e-mail. As you can imagine this went over like a lead balloon. Fast forward: Now after not succeeding with two different couples therapist things are not changing. I feel like neither of us really opened up in the therapy sessions. She insists that he is just a friend, in fact her best friend. When I ask her if she loves him, she says as a friend. Is it possible that I have been falsely accusing her of cheating? Could I have been overeating the last 15 months? Things came to a head this past weekend after another business trip, which she failed to mention he would be on until after she got home. I told her that I thought it was time to separate our finances. To which she responded with the question of “is this a prelude to one of us moving out”. Did I mess up? I never had physical proof that something was going on, but I do believe that their relationship has at least been an inappropriate emotional affair of some sort... Now I’m talking about splitting our finances, and I’m seriously considering separating... I don't know if it was inappropriate physically neither do you but it sounds like flirting for soem reason you dont feel you can trust her has she cheated on you before?....why is it you don't believe her?.....and did you tell ehr the email or talk made you uncomfortable....i dont think you messed up or over reacted if it made you uncomfortable you needed to say something as a woman if i had a apartnr who explained to me that sort of behaviour made him uncomfortable i would not do it....the truth is when I am in a relationship i would not talk that way or flirt like that or talk about my physical assets as it would make me uncomfortable let alone me thinking about my other half what they would feel.......which is key to how i conduct myself with the opposite sex.... i am thinking of my partners feelings first ....hard to believe you dont have to believe what i say.only my future partner has to believe me...but you should believe what your wife says......if you dont there is the issue you need to deal with the second being how she conducts herself with the opposite sex that makes you feel rotten..... trust is key.....she needs to feel you trust her and you need to know that you can trust her...vice versa..seek help....talk to your wife be open and honest straight down the line and hope she is the same.... i hope it works out dont break up unless you absolutely have to this can be worked out...give it a go....life and love have much to show....if you give it a chance you know......trust me in that...even though i sound like dr suess instead of dr phil....i know stuff....lol....been too serious had to lighten it a bit.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Protect yourself dude = she's capable of doing a ton of damage - I think you have evidence of that. I think you're being short sighted about what she's about to do to you. Contact her OM's wife now! She needs to know what kind of tornado is about to hit her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 To dream I did tell her this kind of flirting with another man made me uncomfortable. We have been to two different therapists now, so we did try to get help. She still admits to having a close relationship/friendshipwith him. In addition, there’s no way I can stop them from being together because they are at work with each other everyday. I believe her job and her relationship with him are more important to her than our marriage. Base on that alone, I don’t feel like I need a smoking gun to decide it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Sunny The other wife may be my ace in the hole (leverage). Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Sunny The other wife may be my ace in the hole (leverage). Then why aren't you telling her that her house is about to be set on fire? His wife needs to know! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 And stop telling your W what you are and aren't planning to do - you're giving away YOUR power! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) And stop telling your W what you are and aren't planning to do - you're giving away YOUR power! TOTALLY. Your wife is not your friend anymore. Just start taking action. Let her SEE what you have done as it unfolds. Hey... If you're wrong and she thinks you are making a mistake, she will try to win you back over (don't hold your breath for that one though). Edited August 31, 2012 by GLDheart Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Oh, the OM wife knows they are friends. We all have been together socially. Yet she doesn't know how close they are. Time for her to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I’m not ready to talk to OM’s wife yet. This could be leverage that is needed. I’m not sure what my even thinks is going on now. Because of the way I was acting this morning, she texted me wanting to know if she needs a lawyer... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I’m not sure what my even thinks is going on now. Because of the way I was acting this morning, she texted me wanting to know if she needs a lawyer... Do not communicate via text! Anything texted or in writing could be misconstrued at a later date. If you are not in a place to talk in person, then it is time to get a lawyer and communicate via him/her. And I do recommend getting a lawyer ASAP - especially considering what you wrote about your debt. That is not something you want to just "agree to" without legal representation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I’m not ready to talk to OM’s wife yet. This could be leverage that is needed. I’m not sure what my even thinks is going on now. Because of the way I was acting this morning, she texted me wanting to know if she needs a lawyer... So what did you say? I would want my ducks in a row first, Reg. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 And if you use Facebook, STAY OFF OF IT. That stuff is all useable and ALWAYS taken out of context. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH I pointed out that she said a couple of days ago that she was done. She also mentioned in the text that I wasn’t wearing my ring, and didn’t say good vibe to her and my son (they’re taking a road trip this weekend), so this meant I was done with us. In my response, I noted she hasn’t been wearing her ring either, and that I did say good bye to him. In addition, I added yes, have a safe trip and good time. Perhaps in not talking to her this morning I was taking the 180 too far. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 And yes it is a very inappropriate relationship. I bet your wife would be pissed if you were doing the same thing. Some times you gut instinct is right. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH I pointed out that she said a couple of days ago that she was done. She also mentioned in the text that I wasn’t wearing my ring, and didn’t say good vibe to her and my son (they’re taking a road trip this weekend), so this meant I was done with us. In my response, I noted she hasn’t been wearing her ring either, and that I did say good bye to him. In addition, I added yes, have a safe trip and good time. Perhaps in not talking to her this morning I was taking the 180 too far. So what have YOU decided to DO to move FORWARD? Your W is asking if you intend to divorce her - it is a yes or no answer. What is it? Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 she says he is now her best friend, and when I ask if she loves him she says “yes, as a friend”. Your marriage is toast. I'm sorry. You're her husband; YOU'RE supposed to be the best friend (and more) that she loves. She's evil, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Sunny My response will be to her, when we’re actually in the same room, that we need to continue the process of separation. I am okay with the idea of divorcing. After all of this time I think I have went through many of the emotional rollercoaster phases that I have read about on this forum, so in many ways I have already been, hurt, angered, and grieved. I agree with many on the point of view it is time to move on and take care of myself. I need to make sure that she understands that this is what I feel and believe now. It just that communicating all of that back via text message seemed to be the incorrect way to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Wgw I tend to agree with you on some level. Even without catching someone red handed, how some one respond to your perceptions the way she has. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH I pointed out that she said a couple of days ago that she was done. She also mentioned in the text that I wasn’t wearing my ring, and didn’t say good vibe to her and my son (they’re taking a road trip this weekend), so this meant I was done with us. In my response, I noted she hasn’t been wearing her ring either, and that I did say good bye to him. In addition, I added yes, have a safe trip and good time. Perhaps in not talking to her this morning I was taking the 180 too far. Hmm. Perhaps. I think it is more likely that you need to determine a strategy and that requires a goal. While there is some disagreement on this, in my mind the 180 is used for two purposes: (1) To help YOU detach from a toxic spouse by limiting contact to what is necessary and (2) To show a wayward spouse that you are detaching so that they see the consequences of their actions. In either case, it shows that YOU are in charge of you, that you are not going to be managed and that you respect yourself enough not to accept what is unacceptable behavior. In some cases, this makes you more attractive because you are commanding respect. It makes you more manly. By being unpredictable, you also become a little more mysterious. No one respects someone that they can treat like a doormat. The 180 can be helpful when you want to get a spouse to return to you or it can help when you're fully ready to detach. I don't think you want either of those at the moment because you don't want to reconcile and fully detaching is going to show your cards. If I were you, I would put my ring back on, pretend like life is normal, and gather evidence while you get your ducks in a row. The 180 is tipping your hand enough that she is outright asking to see them. Right now she confidently thinks she is winning this game. You need to get smart and do it quick. You didn't know you were playing a game and now you're a few moves behind. Let her feel confident and get into the game full swing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 This was so frustrating to read...dude, you need to get off LS and start getting your personal affairs in order. Stop making excuses and stop trying to rationalize why it's better for you to just sit there and not do anything. There is nothing for you to deliberate in your head. If I were in your situation, I'd be running all over the place right now getting things squared away. Your weakness of character is strongly reflected here. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 As a quick aside, can you establish a "fault agreement" in a pre-nup that supercedes any no-fault laws in your state? Link to post Share on other sites
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