Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH I think the Ginny is out of the bottle. Putting the ring back on at this point would be more signs of wishy washiness on my part to her. I’m not in a mood to play secretive games. I want to be able to look at her with confidence and be able to state exactly what I’m feeling now. As far as tipping my hand goes, Ginny out of the bottle don’t you think. We have been repeating this cycle for over a year now. To assume she thinks she is winning a game would presume that I know what her goals are too, which I don’t. When you both don’t communicate effectively to each other how can you truly know what the other thinks and needs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 USMCHokie What is LS? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 USMCHokie What is LS? LS = Loveshack = the internetz. Get in a car. Go drive places to get things done. Make phone calls to get things done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I don't think I understand - "fault agreement" in a pre-nup that supercedes any no-fault laws in your state? - question? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I don't think I understand - "fault agreement" in a pre-nup that supercedes any no-fault laws in your state? - question? Well of course it'd be too late for you now, but I asked if you could include in your prenup a clause that established a process in case of infidelity, where each party would agree to get screwed if they cheated in an otherwise no-fault state. It could also include provisions that detail the conditions which would satisfy the requirement for infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 USMCHokie Interesting, not that I disagree with your assessment of me and my situation, but I know I need to be kicked in the butt to get this going and over with. However, what is this list of things I should be doing? Is there a standard operating procedure for my situation? Is there checklist on this forum that I don’t know about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Don't have a pre-nup. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH I think the Ginny is out of the bottle. Putting the ring back on at this point would be more signs of wishy washiness on my part to her. I’m not in a mood to play secretive games. I want to be able to look at her with confidence and be able to state exactly what I’m feeling now. As far as tipping my hand goes, Ginny out of the bottle don’t you think. We have been repeating this cycle for over a year now. To assume she thinks she is winning a game would presume that I know what her goals are too, which I don’t. When you both don’t communicate effectively to each other how can you truly know what the other thinks and needs? I don't know why you need to express your feeling to her right now at all. I'm hoping that you will start making decisions based on your brain, not your emotions. Your best bet is for her to lay back and think she has you managed while you are not, in fact, being managed but instead getting ahead of her by retaining an attorney, squaring away your finances, and getting ready to hit her with papers. Taking off your ring was an emotional game and those kinds of decisions will cost you. I'm sorry to say it (and it's not always true) but by and large, divorce is one big secretive game. Your wife understands that. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 However, what is this list of things I should be doing? Is there a standard operating procedure for my situation? Is there checklist on this forum that I don’t know about? Go see an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Ok, I see your point on the ring, and how the divorce will happen. However, once I give her an answer that says, yes I want a divorce, that is not going to matter anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 However, once I give her an answer that says, yes I want a divorce, that is not going to matter anyway. Your answer should be served by your attorney. You don't really need to say anything directly to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Hmmm, So, I guess based on what I have described thus far makes my desires for an amicable separation with a end goal of divorce are unreasonable at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Hmmm, So, I guess based on what I have described thus far makes my desires for an amicable separation with a end goal of divorce are unreasonable at this point. Well, that may not be entirely true. But those are risky concepts to entertain because they assume that your wife is going to play fair. I think the tough question is, who is going to leave? I REALLY don't think it is wise for you to leave. And you can't much force her to leave. Some people survive an in-house separation. At this point I think you're best served by getting an atty consult and starting a new thread in the separation and divorce forum. You seem pretty done with the infidelity part of this conversation. Your lack of anger and lack of determination to prove her infidelity are surprising to me, thus I wasn't expecting your interest in an amicable separation and divorce. It appears that your 15 months have you further along than most in terms of acceptance. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Focusing your time and energy on whether or not you two are wearing a ring? That's like throwing a drop of water on a house that's burning down! Start DOING things that WILL make a difference to you and your kids! She's getting set up to TOTALLY SCREW YOU OVER! Get busy doing things that will help you to HAVE a FUTURE without her! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH Yes, I’m thinking the reflection discussion thread has giving me is that I was further along to being done than even I realized. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Is there a reason your wife had planned a holiday weekend without you? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH Yes, I’m thinking the reflection discussion thread has giving me is that I was further along to being done than even I realized. Don't be so sure. Even 8 years later - I usually feel strong and independent and capable - but when I least expect it - it hits me ---> something triggers me to remember something I had overlooked. Healing is a process... Never an overnight matter. It CAN take a long time... But for me, always moving forward helps me to heal and trust again. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Are you having unprotected sex with your wife? I hope not! Listen - no man has ever commented on "my twins" unless it was a man who had seen them up close and personal! She had you take that picture of her specifically to send to HIM! That just sucks. Then she turns it into a conversation that would embarrass her if anyone else saw it... Hmmm, how would she explain that to the people she works with? She says he's her best friend - if THAT'S not a slap in your face I don't know what is - YOU are SUPPOSEDto have THATpositionfor HER... But she's blatantly telling you that she's replaced you. Over reacting? NOPE! She's saying YOU aren't HER priority now = HE IS! Act accordingly = like you KNOW she isn't holding you in high regard. And give consequences that will hurt her because as long as she's "comfortable" with things the way they are - she will continue to hurt YOU... Bybeingclose and intimate with HIM. I'd call the wife of her OM and inform her TODAY! You have had a lot of information and opinions come your way, so I just want to say this regarding the above bolded part. I discovered my XH's conversation with a woman on FB (not boss and employee) and it was about her twins - he says one of her best assets and they had a nice conversation about it then and a few more times. (Personally, I didn't think so, but that is beside the point). I knew in my heart right then and there what I saw was what I thought and it was. There is NO WAY that I would have a conversation about my "twins" or any other (sexual) part of my body with someone I was not involved with. You are not overreacting at all. It is wrong, she knows it is wrong, he knows it is wrong or they wouldn't hide it and you know it is wrong. Every person on here knows what the score is here, so along with all of the other information you have confidence in your instincts and act accordingly. Sorry, I know how it feels and it sucks, I know. UGH - makes me sick to remember it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 BH Yes, I’m thinking the reflection discussion thread has giving me is that I was further along to being done than even I realized. After reading this whole thread I came to that same conclusion - that you were ready for your marriage to be over. Accept the fact that your wife is having a full-blown affair with her boss. I'm willing to bet that he's doing a lot more with the "twins" than emailing about them when they go on their business trips together. I think you know this too and want to catch them in the act (smoking gun) just to erase any possibility that your are wrong. Everything you have posted about your situation screams that you are right about your suspicions. The "twins" thing is your smoking gun. So she denies the affair; so what? She's a lying cheat and will only tell you what she thinks she has to tell you. That's the nature of a cheater. It doesn't sound like you want to reconcile, so stop wasting time and emotional energy playing games with her. See a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Ask his advice regarding separation and do what he tells you to do. Don't give her any additional warning about your intentions, just do it. Finally, for you to not send the "twins" email to OM's wife is selfish. She has a right to know the kind of man she is married to so you must tell her. This should be the first thing you do, so do it right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Since there has been no intimacy and no sex and no considering YOUR feelings in this past year ---> theM has been essentially over for at least a year. Bottom line is - SHE no longer cares how or WHAT YOU. Feel- she's so focused on her OM she only considers herself and his feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) Just wondering, what is the opinion of what would have been a normal response for some one who was caught in an admittedly flirtatious e-mail talking about their assets or twins, but nothing had gone on beyond that. In addition, there were other circumstantial evidence that the relationship between these two people was bordering or just beyond bordering what is appropriate. What would a normal person that cares, and still loves their spouse do when confronted with this information? I have to ask because maybe it has been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that’s been missing these elements that Ididn’t see the flaws for what they were fully were right away. I tried to tell my wife that my response to her if the shoe had been on the other foot would have been to show her remorse for hurting her and to make the correct changes with the relationship of the person that my wife perceived as being inappropriate. What would a person who didn’t intend to be over the line do to make it right for the hurting spouse when it was brought to their attention? Is there really a universal proper response to this scenario? Edited August 31, 2012 by Reg Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Unfortunately, I've been accused some times of doing things that I really didn't do. And to be honest I didn't do a lot of effort to prove the other person was wrong. I was the one who was right, not the accusers. As long as my conscience was at peace I only had to present my evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 LFH Yea, if it had been truly innocent,wouldn't there still be remorse and alterations to the perceived friendship toassure to spouse that is concerned? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Karnack That’swhat concerns me, but I don’t think negates my perceptions and feelings… Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Just wondering, what is the opinion of what would have been a normal response for some one who was caught in an admittedly flirtatious e-mail talking about their assets or twins, but nothing had gone on beyond that. In addition, there were other circumstantial evidence that the relationship between these two people was bordering or just beyond bordering what is appropriate. What would a normal person that cares, and still loves their spouse do when confronted with this information? I have to ask because maybe it has been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that’s been missing these elements that Ididn’t see the flaws for what they were fully were right away. I tried to tell my wife that my response to her if the shoe had been on the other foot would have been to show her remorse for hurting her and to make the correct changes with the relationship of the person that my wife perceived as being inappropriate. What would a person who didn’t intend to be over the line do to make it right for the hurting spouse when it was brought to their attention? Is there really a universal proper response to this scenario? Ok, wife gets email playfully teasing about how great her "twins" look today and you ask how would a "normal" wife react when confronted with this by her husband? Here's the thing; no innocent, normal wife would exchange emails with so much sexual content. Only a guilty-of-cheating wife who is busted would react like your wife did; gaslight you. She tells you this is normal behavior and you are the one who is screwed up. I'm asking you again, since deep down you know that your marriage is over, why are you wasting all this emotional energy trying to rationalize your decision? You know she's cheating and you know she is emotionally already gone. I wish you would stop torturing yourself and take action here. Your personal healing from this mess will begin when you face the truth and empower yourself by doing something. Talk to a lawyer & follow his/her advice. Focus on the future and on your own recovery. Give yourself permission to do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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