BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Good for you Reg! She is fishing to fond out how much you know....what her exposure may be...and I can guarantee the the texts and phone calls are flying back and forth between the two of them. Do NOT divulge what you know or don't know. Athena does give excellent advice. ACT as if you know more than you do. Do not play the denial and blameshifting game. You can now be as mysterious and obtuse as she has been. Ignore the fishing expeditions...ask her if there is anything else she would like to tell you before you make some decisions. Do not divulge what you intend to do about the info she thinks you may have. At dday, the APs start to go into a full blown panic about what info you may have AND what you intend to do with it. Tell them NOTHING...either about what you know AND what you intend to do about it. Let them panic. Your wife may not care, but her boss may care a lot if his reputation is about to ruined....and it could be, having an affair with an employee. I should be allowed to like this post more than once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 She's denying and will lie until the evidence smacks her in the face. Even then she'll down play it and make you feel crazy and tell you you're over reacting and being paranoid. That's called gaslighting. Many WS's do this to their BS. It's an interesting phenomenon. Some people have gaslighted their spouse to believe that they didn't walk in on the affair partners having sex in front of them - that they were somehow confused about what they saw. Spouses are so in shock about the impossibility that their spouse has been doing this for YEARS, that they believe almost anything else. Throw in a couple of kids to be concerned about and well, the vast majority will initially try to reconcile. The betrayed spouse rarely falls instantly out of love with their wayward either. It also seems like the noble thing to do and could potentially save the family. But most of all, we don't believe what is happening to us. The posters here want you to realize that the matrix isn't real. The sooner you get that they (the affair partners) are playing with you, the better. Keep your integrity and don't be a fool. I was glad to see you did a little research before this upcoming week. You can also see why 2Sunny was harping you about money. For the most part, the states are good about dividing everything in half. They know how to do divorces by now. Make sure she isn't funneling money somewhere (most particularly to an unknown account). Anything that is known, they will deal with. She will have to disclose everything over the last several years (as will you). You got smart pretty quickly. Keep it up. You need to secure $3-5k to retain an attorney. I borrowed from family (just like I did for the PI and GPS). It's honestly a pretty crazy world. But like another poster said, you will be ok and come out the other side of this thing. Try not to let it make you crazy. The APs are the nutty ones. I have to add that you should anticipate that your W will start to collapse as you get more serious about divorce. The fantasy affair bubble bursts and reality sucks for them big time. I'd lay money on the fact that you're soon to be offered some serious hot sex from your wayward wife. Damage control sets in. I hope things go well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 Hot sex, huh… what’s that. Not likely. It has been a while for that. Besides, my W is a very smart person with a type A personality to boot. I’d bet that she NEVER admits to anything, at least not directly, and not the type to admit to a mistake to easily, however she enjoys to point out that she is correct, even if its jokingly... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Hot sex, huh… what’s that. Not likely. It has been a while for that. Besides, my W is a very smart person with a type A personality to boot. I’d bet that she NEVER admits to anything, at least not directly, and not the type to admit to a mistake to easily, however she enjoys to point out that she is correct, even if its jokingly... Do me a favor and let me know when this one happens. They think that they are smart enough that you'll fall for it. Of course, I could be wrong. But my wife sounds a lot like yours. I went for it (it was fun while it lasted) but it ain't a smart idea. Keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Hot sex, huh… what’s that. Not likely. It has been a while for that. Besides, my W is a very smart person with a type A personality to boot. I’d bet that she NEVER admits to anything, at least not directly, and not the type to admit to a mistake to easily, however she enjoys to point out that she is correct, even if its jokingly... Yes but you're missing the point. Most spouses (especially women) start to offer up sex - so they can further manipulate and control - that way they can sway the H to agree to things in a D settlement that the H never thinks they will agree to. Many times thy are offering sex - but they are also offering the diseases they've contracted along the way too. I wouldn't put it past her to try it. Why don't you find out what she's been shredding? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 And no, she won't admit to anything directly, only what you already know (and usually one more tidbit so you think that's everything). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Hot sex, huh… what’s that. Not likely. It has been a while for that. Besides, my W is a very smart person with a type A personality to boot. I’d bet that she NEVER admits to anything, at least not directly, and not the type to admit to a mistake to easily, however she enjoys to point out that she is correct, even if its jokingly... Yes but you're missing the point. Most spouses (especially women) start to offer up sex - so they can further manipulate and control - that way they can sway the H to agree to things in a D settlement that the H never thinks they will agree to. Many times thy are offering sex - but they are also offering the diseases they've contracted along the way too. I wouldn't put it past her to try it. Why don't you find out what she's been shredding? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 Ah guys, don’t be a kill joy on the hot sex!! However, seriously, I do understand that if she changed her affections toward to me it is probably with strings attached, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet2th Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I haven't read everyone's response completely. This thread is getting long! I do agree she is being horribly disrespectful to you and it does point to an emotional affair. Her behavior is pointing to a blatant disregard to your feelings about it too. She simply doesn't care. I agree with others to get a lawyer pronto and get your finances in order. A divorce lawyer is going to tell you to copy anything finance related...checking/savings accts, investments etc..you can get your hands on while you are still together. Do this secretly of course. After that, if it were me, I would separate for awhile. You both need time to think, and digest what is going on. This is a long marriage with kids and this should be taken into consideration. If she still doesn't seem to care about saving the marriage after a separation, I would then move towards divorce. I wouldn't waste time and money on private eyes and spying devices. Her behavior alone is telling. Not only her relationship, but the fact she doesn't care about your feelings. It really does take two people to save this marriage and so far it seems to be only you trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 Sweet It’s the feeling of being disrespected that has finally drove me over the edge to press ahead with a separation. This will be the end, because I know my wife will never admit any wrongdoing on this issue or show any remorse. Also there is no way she will alter her relationship with the OM, because it soooo much a part of her job. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Sweet It’s the feeling of being disrespected that has finally drove me over the edge to press ahead with a separation. This will be the end, because I know my wife will never admit any wrongdoing on this issue or show any remorse. Also there is no way she will alter her relationship with the OM, because it soooo much a part of her job. So what is your plan between now and a year from today? If the separation takes a year - what are YOU doing to secure your future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I made contacts with a couple of different lawyers today, and have begun the process of initial consultation. She came home from her weekend trip yesterday, and wanted to know why I was responding to all of her text messages, and talking more to her, to which I responded she said we were done, and so am I. She explained that she said she was only done with arguing bout this ongoing issue (I do not remember it that way). She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean? It could mean anything, and you should avoid the temptation to mind-read, but in all likelihood she was testing you as to how you'd react. I hope you didn't react at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 I have not responded, and I don’t plan to. I’m still in 180 mode. I was just curious if this was behavior that resembles what has been seen here before.... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 This is only my guess, but I think she's pushing matters to the edge, to see whether you'll blink. But really, it doesn't matter. Keep up with the 180, taking care of the divorce, and working on you. You're doing good, from the sounds of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Sounds like a test....one where she seems pretty assured that you can still be manipulated into staying and ignoring. Do not take the bait. Stay calm and stay confident. Do not let anyone guilt you or pull on your heart strings to change your course. Keep steering the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Wow all that over you being worried about an inappropriate conversation? If she was innocent it seems like there would be no harm in her just apologizing, especially for the sake of preserving a 23 year marriage w/kids. It really seems like she's covering something up and ending it now, getting off a sinking ship she just blew a giant hole in. Did you ever find any more proof? Edited September 4, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 GT Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I made contacts with a couple of different lawyers today, and have begun the process of initial consultation. She came home from her weekend trip yesterday, and wanted to know why I was responding to all of her text messages, and talking more to her, to which I responded she said we were done, and so am I. She explained that she said she was only done with arguing bout this ongoing issue (I do not remember it that way). She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean? It means this is the beginning of the crazy lunatic phase where the WW is upset with you because you are taking her toys away. You weren't supposed to go and mess everything up. It's like a child having a temper tantrum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 BH I think the Ginny is out of the bottle. Putting the ring back on at this point would be more signs of wishy washiness on my part to her. I’m not in a mood to play secretive games. I want to be able to look at her with confidence and be able to state exactly what I’m feeling now. As far as tipping my hand goes, Ginny out of the bottle don’t you think. We have been repeating this cycle for over a year now. To assume she thinks she is winning a game would presume that I know what her goals are too, which I don’t. When you both don’t communicate effectively to each other how can you truly know what the other thinks and needs? Women like your wife have only the goal to dominate you. The moment you are out from under her thumb she will go crazy... then move on. You are playing a game with her... and she is cheating to win. Now it's time for you to kick over the chess board and walk away. Hmmm, So, I guess based on what I have described thus far makes my desires for an amicable separation with a end goal of divorce are unreasonable at this point. Not unreasonable... unwise. I think your wife is a take no prisoners type. It's best not to negotiate with emotional terrorists. Just wondering, what is the opinion of what would have been a normal response for some one who was caught in an admittedly flirtatious e-mail talking about their assets or twins, but nothing had gone on beyond that. In addition, there were other circumstantial evidence that the relationship between these two people was bordering or just beyond bordering what is appropriate. What would a normal person that cares, and still loves their spouse do when confronted with this information? I have to ask because maybe it has been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that’s been missing these elements that Ididn’t see the flaws for what they were fully were right away. I tried to tell my wife that my response to her if the shoe had been on the other foot would have been to show her remorse for hurting her and to make the correct changes with the relationship of the person that my wife perceived as being inappropriate. What would a person who didn’t intend to be over the line do to make it right for the hurting spouse when it was brought to their attention? Is there really a universal proper response to this scenario? A normal woman would have typically admitted to fault and cried a lot asking for forgiveness. I think your wife is such a type A personality that you have intentionally buried that part of your personality to make the relationship work. It probably made her feel unable to respect you. She probably blames you for her every unhappy feeling... and stealing her youth... all the standard rubbish. Hot sex, huh… what’s that. Not likely. It has been a while for that. Besides, my W is a very smart person with a type A personality to boot. I’d bet that she NEVER admits to anything, at least not directly, and not the type to admit to a mistake to easily, however she enjoys to point out that she is correct, even if its jokingly... My X is the exact same. I received a very crappy apology which basically admits nothing 2 years later... unprompted. I made contacts with a couple of different lawyers today, and have begun the process of initial consultation. She came home from her weekend trip yesterday, and wanted to know why I was responding to all of her text messages, and talking more to her, to which I responded she said we were done, and so am I. She explained that she said she was only done with arguing bout this ongoing issue (I do not remember it that way). She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean? My X did the exact same thing. She actually placed the pictures in the garbage. When she gets angry with someone... does she try to take something away from them? Example, when angry with a child... is her first response to remove a privilege? How does she argue with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 No, she’s always been the one that says that taking thingsaway from them doesn’t work. I was theone that always argued that there needs to be consequences. Her arguing style has been hard to describe. She always believes she is right. When things have gotten heated during thisongoing issue she has stomped off and hid in the bedroom, or sat and been quitewith no real response, but usually in the past she would start acting day or two later like nothing had happened(sort of). Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 No, she’s always been the one that says that taking thingsaway from them doesn’t work. I was theone that always argued that there needs to be consequences. Her arguing style has been hard to describe. She always believes she is right. When things have gotten heated during thisongoing issue she has stomped off and hid in the bedroom, or sat and been quitewith no real response, but usually in the past she would start acting day or two later like nothing had happened(sort of). Aha! So she avoids confrontation....and has childish tantrums to shut you down. Yep, that is learned in childhood and is one of the signs of a cheater --conflict avoidance. Do not shut down. Do not avoid conflict. Just communicate in a calm, mature manner....about your feelings only, NOT her actions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 She then went to our bedroom and took down all of the photos of her and I together and wedding related. What is that supposed to mean? It means she is a huge drama queen. Try not to read into everything she does or doesnt do. It will just make you crazy. She checked out of your marriage. That's all you need to remember. FWIW my XW called me right after the divorce for no reason and demaned our wedding pictures. I told her I was not going to play that game and hung up the phone on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reg Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 I agree, trying to read everything, is only nutty for me... I have not asked her about the pictures 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 IF there's anything in the house that you love - and prefer to have - I'd suggest taking it and storing it somewhere that she can't find it. Link to post Share on other sites
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