Mom disliking me/loving my brothers

[Aveenolover]

Hey guys. This is going to be really long and I really hope someone reads it...I'll try to condense it as much as possible lol.

 

i was born to a single mom (my dad was/is married to some other woman, which my mom knew about). I met him one time, thats it. My older brother doesnt know his dad, either, but my younger brother has a very close relationship with his father, who i consider my dad. For the most part, i was raised by my grandma, monday-fri 7am-5pm. and shipped off to my step dads house with my brother about every other week, no matter how much i pleaded to stay home (he was abusive....).

 

it used to not bother me that i had no father, but lately i start noticing that really, i have no mother either. Not the way she treats me. I just turned 24, while she bought my brother a house//pays his rent every month, she holds it over my head that im still at home (ive been saving up, i just got a full time job and have been going to college). She wants me to do everything around the house from cleaning up after her dogs that she doesnt potty train, to even cleaning her room. While she expects all this from me, i spend my money on buying groceries/water softener/detergent/litter, basically anything thats needed for the whole family to use, even though she makes over 60k and i barely make 10k. Its hard to save up when i have to buy the family stuff every week.

 

Well, i just started this new job 3 weeks ago. Fri-sun, 6am-630pm and thursdays for mandatory overtime 7am-530pm. Its a warehouse job, and it gets no cooler than 110 degrees F. I work the whole time and probably sweat about 10 pounds off every day lol. The work i honestly dont mind...im basically getting paid to work out. However, it isnt very fun to work if i cant get sleep.

 

Last night, i laid down at midnight and was going to get up at 5am. at 3am, her new puppy starts barking. (a quick explanation...she only got this puppy to be friends with her other dog she has, because she has no time to play with her dog. she spends literally no time with them. she feeds them...goes to work, comes home, then sits in a closed off room and watches tv until she goes to bed and will let the older one sleep in her room but not the puppy. Neither are potty trained but the puppy pees a crapton. she doesnt even attempt to potty train them)

Anyway, 3am it starts barking and wakes me up. i lay in bed for a half hour thinking shes going to get up and take it out or put it in her room or do something...but she doesnt. so after a half hour i went into her room and said hey you need to do somethign about your dog. im trying to sleep--i have to get up in 2 hours to work a huge shift, and i need sleep! and she goes, "its not my problem".

So i went and got the dog and put it in her room. it shut her up but then my mom just barged into my room cussing me out saying i didnt need sleep so i had to remind her...again, that i work a 10 hour shift in a hot warehouse. she didnt care, wasnt her problem, i chose that job, blah blah. and still expects ME to take care of her dog that i didnt even want!

 

Which, i tried to potty train. i attempted to crate train her but its kinda hard when im sleeping and my mom goes and takes her out of the crate and lets her wander around the house, unattended, peeing/pooping everywhere. Kind of defeats all my training purposes. -_-

 

Sorry, this is really jumbled, writing has never been my forte. Yesterday she asked me to clean the dishes and everything. i told her i just did them the day before, and i was tired and said she should have my 20 year old brother do them (he doesnt have a job nor is he in school) she got very angry at me and said NO YOU NEED TO DO THEM blah blah. Its like i already do so much and buy so much for everyone and now i need to clean up after everyone else, too???

So today i get home and im like hey dog can you please get the kitchen cleaned up? and he goes No i cant...mom yelled at me and told me im not allowed to (i couldnt make this up if i wanted) i was like uhh...what? and he said the other day he was doing the dishes and she YELLED at him.

 

So after work she gives me this letter, ill type it out,

Meghan,

 

After our interraction last night and in the early hours of this morning, i have concluded that it is no longer beneficial to my peace of mind, confidence, or sobriety for you to continue living in my home.

 

I am sorry that you have such anger and resentment toward me. Perhaps when you are out on your own and are able to live your life on your own terms you will be much happier and content. it will be there that you will be able to establish your own rules and lifestyle, which are not compatible with what mine are for my home.

 

You and pat (my bf) have until the 15th of sept to vacate the house. i expect for the cleaning up and removal of your respective properties to begin prior to that date. I will have guests coming in the next week or two and need for the bathroom to be presentable for company (it is, but basically she wants me to scrub it down...even after all she has done to me.)

 

I am fully prepared to seek a court order or whatever it will take to assure that is done, if you choose to ignore these dates and parameters.

 

I will also be working on removing you from my Verizon plan as well as my auto policy, so you will need to plan for these and begin shopping around for the plans/policies that best suit your needs.

 

I do love you, this will never change. But it is not healthy for either of us to remain in the present situation. Im sure you will understand some day.

 

Mom

[Aveenolover]

My older brother is 33 and has only paid rent twice in 3 years to my mom in the house that she essentially bought for him. she also pays for his cell phone and his wife's. Needless to say she pays for little brothers cell phone and insurance. Ive held a job longer than both my brothers combined and ive also done more schooling than both of them combined but she acts like im a complete crazy daughter that is terrible to her sobriety??? I'm very well behaved, i dont even cuss...i dont do drugs, im not pregnant and im not even that social...i dont have parties or do anything stupid.

 

Its not even moving out that im upset with. I want to be on my own, though its going to be hard because i dont have money saved up and the only reason i stayed at home was because it made paying for my schooling easier since its so expensive (ive been paying out of pocket with my own money) . Its the fact that i already dont have a dad, and now its obvious i dont have a mom. and my brother and boyfriend admitted she treats me like pure garbage while lavishing praise upon the grounds my brothers walk upon.

[Hawaii50]

It sucks your brothers accept that treatment while they admittedly watch you get abused whatever extents.

 

I really don't have any advice for you except to accept that she's not a mother. She obviously doesn't care. Chances are you will be better off the moment you get out from under her roof. Use " nice tenacity" in this situation, and leave the first chance you get.

[TripLine]

You should probably just work full time and stop going to school. School isn't for everyone. You can go back eventually if you deem it necessary. She wants to be the woman of the house and not be told what to do. All the siblings are from the same man, which your mother knew was married? Your boyfriend lives with you as well? You and your bf should be enough to keep a roof over yourselves.

[Aveenolover]

My brothers and i all have our own separate dads. My olders brother's dad is actually my moms first cousin-_-. So theres a lot of shame involved with that and obviously he doesnt talk to his dad or anything because his dad is embarrassed. and then my dad is married to another woman and has been when my mom got with him and got pregnant <with> me, and my youngest brother is the only one who has a decent dad (other than he used to be abusive but hes a good guy now).

 

My boyfriend and i don't make that much combined because hes only doing part-time while he is in school and i just got out from doing part time (fedex for 5 years) and started this full time job (its 40 hours fri-sun unless i have overtime thursday) so it opens my week for school.

I really cant find any decent paying jobs though, its like they all require a degree so im trying to get one as soon as possible. Also, ive been working in warehouses for going on 6 years and im only 5', it can get really tiring because i have to work really hard to keep up with my peers who have a foot or so on me-_- i dunno. I definitely cant wait to get out of this house.

Edited August 31, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Then you get a second part time job. HE can damn well quit school or scale back hours and get a second job too.

 

Your mother is horrible, but quite frankly, she does not owe you a living.

 

Look I know how you feel. My brother lives with my mom at 40, works barely part time and my mom is leaving him all of her money and car, and everything else you can think of, in her will. I know this because I am executress of the estate. You know what? It is her business. I can provide for myself. I don't need my mom to do it for me. When she is gone, he will waste it all and then he will be on his own. Not my problem.

Edited August 30, 2012 by DaisyLeigh1967

[bluegreen]

She stabbed you in a back on her

Well good you do what she asks and then become smart like her and cut of all contact the day she gets old ill or worse and she looks you up you can say :

Am sorry mom what you are asking does not go well for my health sanity or peace in life that I have found but I love you : )) that will never change may I give you a number of nearest retirement home ?

[Aveenolover]

I dont want my mom to provide me with anything except acceptance. i said i was happy to move out, thats not what im upset about, i was just upset that she would treat me so badly and then decide to kick me out because HER dog woke me up at 3am and when i asked her to take care of her dog, she got mad at me.

 

Just her treatment towards me that really bothers me.

 

And hahaha@ bluegreen. I will definitely have to remember that when that time comes lol.

[sally4sara]

She treats you like this because you stand witness to her mistakes; you were born of one of them.

Plus you're female so she can punish you for her choices. Make sure you experience things she "had to endure" and in her backwards way, still trying to gain male approval, play up to your brothers to keep them close to her. Even the oldest. She wouldn't have gotten involved with a married man if she had any kind of self esteem so she probably has issues when it comes to gender and intrinsic value.

 

Toxic influence. She's doing you a favor by kicking you out, she just doesn't know it yet and maybe you don't either. Now who is going to clean up after her and the dogs she got to ease her selfish loneliness?

 

You don't need her acceptance. If you ever get it, get it on your terms or it will mean nothing lasting between the two of you.

[bluegreen]

I dont want my mom to provide me with anything except acceptance. i said i was happy to move out, thats not what im upset about, i was just upset that she would treat me so badly and then decide to kick me out because HER dog woke me up at 3am and when i asked her to take care of her dog, she got mad at me.

 

Just her treatment towards me that really bothers me.

 

And hahaha@ bluegreen. I will definitely have to remember that when that time comes lol.

 

 

Yes and respect and tolerance if they can't love us at least we have a right to that to live our lives make our choices and live with our mistakes without them making it harder and more humiliating.

 

She is seeing you as someone who is trying moving forward and is more able to do what she never did as someone said you have witnessed her mistakes and failures and its bitter pill for her and am speaking out of experience and moment you spoke up she started "resenting you" and it will come to actually hating you within time.

 

Your bf is with you even in studio apartment one meal a day and away from her you will flourish am sure of it if my boy was just closer I would have been long gone and never looked back but am hoping it will come to happen soon.

 

So don't worry doll start doing what you have to do and yes I even made myself laugh over my previous post : ))) just think of that whenever you get down revenge is best eaten cold ...

[Radu]

Is this treatment of you a new occurance or something that's always been there but you dismissed it ?

 

PS: I suggest you save that letter.

One of my first few gf's sent me a similar letter, which was part based in reality ... i kept it and when i pulled myself out of my depression i nailed it above my desk.

[bluegreen]

I wonder about that to

sometimes we see stuff hear stuff and not pay attention to them at least that was mine mistake ...

[Nyla]

My parents had four children and I am the only daughter. My mother was always jealous of the closeness I have with my dear old dad.

 

My mother admitted to me that she will put up with the boys' mistakes but not mine. She has been very hard on me my whole life, while very lenient with my youngest brother. I moved out at 21 because I was tired of being hit and my mother screaming that I was a whore if I stayed out past twelve. I had no freedom, but way more chores than my brothers.

 

My youngest brother had a child at age 23, while he was living at home and going to college. My mother practically raised his daughter and my parents helped him buy a car. My parents even took responsibility for the child my brother's ghetto babymama had when she was 17. He is younger than me and my two older brothers were never given so many breaks and special treatment. I had to move out in order to have freedom, but the youngest could stay home, have kids and go out as much as he wanted.

 

It wasn't until my mother saw the behavior of other women's daughters that she began to appreciate me. I did well in school, married a nice man and did not have several babies with different lowlife men. Now she wants to be best friends. I forgive my mother for being so terrible because she did not know any better; she had also been abused growing up and I think she wanted me to suffer as much as she did. I only forgive her because I don't want to let bitterness consume me.

 

I cannot be best friends with my mother the way she would like. After years of physical and verbal abuse that left me afraid to have kids of my own, I have too many self esteem issues and PTSD. I don't feel emotionally safe letting my mother into my world and my heart; she was not at my wedding because she hurled insults when I wouldn't let her plan a spectacle that she wanted. I know my mother feels guilty, but that is her cross to bear and not mine. I feel like I need to protect myself and my marriage from my mother. My husband and I see her once a month and when she calls, we stick to mundane subjects.

 

Being independent of your mother will give you a certain strength. The day will come where she will need you and you will not want to help her. Just remember that you do not deserve to be mistreated and your mother's issues are not your problem. I wish you peace and joy.

[freestyle]

Aveenolover---it sounds like there's the classic Golden Child/Scapegoat dysfunctional family dynamic at work in your situation.

 

While I agree with the other posters, about getting yourself out of her house, for your own sanity--

 

I sense that the deeper injury , is the unequal treatment you're receiving, compared to your brother. It's a HUGE slap in the face, to be treated that way by the person who's supposed to love you no matter what.

 

And that's about your mom's issues---it's NOT about you.

Unfortunately, dysfunctional people who can't own their own behavior, will take out their issues on others. And often times, it's one child who gets "painted black"--singled out to be the family scapegoat.

 

If you do a google search on "Golden Child/Scapegoat" family dynamics, you may find some enlightening reading.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it's so painful to feel unsupported by family.