Azeele Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Here's my situation: I'm getting married in less than two weeks. I discovered a couple of weeks ago that my fiance has a profile up on a sex/swinger web site. The profile says that he hasn't visited the site since August of last year. I know he's been there since then so I assume the date on the profile means he hasn't updated his profile since August of last year. We met last year in April and have been intimate since last June and broke up from July to about October. So, I'm not upset that he joined the site just that he still visits the site and hasn't taken down the profile. Yes, I've been snooping in the temp internet files. He clears his history but not the temp files so I've been able to see where he goes. I've noticed that he visits this site about every 5 days. When I first noticed he'd been there my heart just took a nose dive into my stomach and I was just sick. I thought about calling off the wedding but then I calmed down and decided I wanted to see what he was doing on there. I figured if I confronted him he'd just say "I forgot it was up there." and then I'd have to confront him that I'd been snooping and I know that he's been on there recently, know his profile is there and he hasn't taken it down. I'm 35, I've been married and had a few bfs- I know how that works. I suspected that if I confronted him from the beginning, he'd deny knowing it was up there, then I'd say "oh yes you did know it was up there", then he'd tell me whatever I want to hear, take it down and start erasing all of his internet history from now on. We'd have a "feel good" relationship talk and then years later after we are married I'd find him at it again. So....I joined myself - as someone else - and sent him a "wink". He hasn't responded to it. If he had responded to "my" advances I would have canceled the wedding right then but he didn't. He hasn't paid for the site and - from the looks of his activity - he's only logging on briefly, looking, and logging off. As a "single" guy looking for casual sex on one of these sites where the m/f ratio is something like 50/1, I doubt he's seeing any action, anyway, but I'm totally hurt and confused. I've since had a discussion with him about what marriage means to me and asked him what it means to him, etc. I expect him to be faithful and honest, not just in person, but on the internet, etc. I know, I know, I'm not being totally honest with him by holding on to what I know. But, I also don't have a personal ad. Guys, maybe you can help me out here...is it totally out of character for a man who's about to make the big plunge into marriage to be hesitant to take his profile down and still want to look from time to time? - because that's what I think he's doing. Of course, if he is doing that, then I would expect for him - at least - to remove his profile after we are married. But I'd like for him to do it on his own because he wants to - not because I told him he has to. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I'm sorry, but an engaged man has no business going on an Internet dating site. The fact that he is, tells you a lot about what he believes is ok and that he doesn't feel as though he is 'taken'. I'd run from this man. Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I caught my ex-fiance a month before the wedding with his profile and picture up at lavalife.com in the intimate encounters area ( looking for sex). He was emailing 3 different gals... It hurt so much... He was so mad that I snooped that he said he couldnt trust me and I couldnt trust him anymore... I forgave him the next day and said we really need to focus on building up our trust with each other and honest... well, he lied to me for the next 3 days saying he loves me and everything, and then the night before the wedding shower he told me he cancelled the wedding...all of his relatives knew before I did... He told me to move out the next day...so I did ... I gave him back the ring and well we havent been able to chat with each other without being total mean to each other;... It sucks... hes mad that I didnt give him a speadsheet with the exact dollor and cents that I spent on the wedding... he said when he cancelled the wedding that he would pay for everything and he wrote me out a check for $11,000. That basically covered everything... and so now he said he never cheated on me and that he doesnt want to be friends. It sucks that he cant admit he was at fault, I know I have felt very bad and had amitted that I was wrong to snoop...but actually I was snooping to find out about the bachlor party....I never thought he would be emailing gals a month before our wedding.... We havent seen each other in 3 months.... I dont think he will ever change his mind... so I have moved on and am dating people , nothing serious yet... by the way he is 38 and im 35 Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sorry but he isn't as serious as he should be about you, if he's getting married in 2 weeks. Him checking that site shows he's looking, if it happens every five days. If he were to look at it once a few months, just to see how special you are compared to what is out there, that is a different story. I've came across one or two of them while engaged, and it's not to look for another chick. It brings a smile to my face on how lucky I am to have someone like my fiancee. Him checking so often is a sign. You have a lack of trust between you two. That is NOT a way to start out a marriage. You both need to discuss this issue and see a marriage councilor before the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azeele Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 Thank you for everyone's responses. Everyone's response seemed to indicate that I really, really needed to say something to him about what I found. I'm so glad I did. Well,l I confronted him about it yesterday. He said he hadn't visited the site for a very long time but he still receives periodic emails from the site and then just deletes them. And...that would be consistent with my findings. On the site it says that he hasn't visited since August 03 and the temp internet files just show 8-10 thumbnail images from that site. - about 5 days apart. That would make sense if the site had been sending him emails every five days. He said he just didn't even think about it since he never got any responses from it anyway. and..since I still get emails showing my latest matches from yahoo personals and hadn't deleted my profile - just hidden it - (I deleted it last night) - how could I complain? He wasn't upset that I snooped - he just apologized for causing me distress and said that he - of course - had not been looking. So, we kissed and made up and drove downtown to get our marriage license. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Glad to see things worked out for you, Azeele. May I be the first to say...congratulations. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Aww, that's a really sweet, happy ending. Congratulations!!! Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 no, no, no, no, I don't agree~ 1. it is not a big deal at all and those dating sites are entertaining just to investigate, and daydream, and people watch. As long as a guy knows that he won't actually meet up with anyone, there is nothing wrong with flirting and enjoying the internet. 2. What I find a bit more disconcerning, is that 2 months before marriage, you are keeping secrets from him and invading his privacy? 3. I think you owe him a sincere apology - expecially now that you know he was not doing ANYTHING. good luck with your marriage sincerely 4HavN Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azeele Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I did apologize to him for being nosy and checking up on him. I got the feeling he understood. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 and..since I still get emails showing my latest matches from yahoo personals and hadn't deleted my profile - just hidden it - (I deleted it last night) - how could I complain? You couldn't at all. He didn't even bother hiding his.. you did. He didn't send you messages trying to trap you, either. I just wonder how you came thisclose to calling off the whole wedding for something little. I hope your self-esteem is ready to handle marraige. Good luck.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azeele Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I had put my personal ad profile on inactive while we were dating so that if we broke up I wouldn't have to write a new one. It wasn't like I was still emailing and checking out new guys while we were dating. I just set the profile to inactive. Sure, setting him up to be trapped was wrong. But - what if I he had responded? I don't think it was a self-esteem issue. If you think your spouse is cheating and you hire a P.I. to follow him and get evidence that he is cheating, do you have self-esteem problems? If you think your spouse is cheating on you online and search the hard drive of your computer, do you have low self-esteem? I don't think so. If anything, I think it's that I have trust issues. I haven't been in a serious relationship with a man, until this one, where he hasn't cheated on me, either emotionally or physically. So I'm a little jittery and gun-shy. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Azeele, I am very against people who continuously test their partners, but a test *once* -in amoment when you are worried and you are planning to spend the rest of your life on your partner- does not seem that bad to me. It is great that everything turned out all right. You tested him *once*because you were worried and were about to get married. He didn't reply to your wink. You found out he has not visited the site for a lot of time. Now you are feeling totally reassured, you are no longer worried, you proved you were right trusting him, and you are probably not going to snoop again because the only time you did you found out everything was okay. You confessed the snooping. *He* didn't get upset... that's what is important. if other people think it was very wrong, that's very secondary. So don't feel bad. All's well that ends well.... and congratulations for your marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 im my case , the wedding was called off by him... I snooped because he was acting wierd and found he was emailing 3 girls and I confronted him saying i was really sorry I invaded his privacy, but he knew I had past boyfriends cheat on me... so I guess I could say I was a bit scared.. anyway after I confronted him he showed me that he had a profile and picture up on lavalife.com in the intimate encounters section ( asking for sex) he said he never crossed the emotional or physical line with any of these girls... but that he was asking them for their naked pictures... I forgave him and then 3 days later he cancelled the wedding saying we could not trust each other. 28 days before the wedding, he asked me to move out the next day which I did and he wanted the ring back , which I gave him... I begged that he reconsider and that we could work things out and he said that hes been thinking what it would be like to meet another woman.... this is two weeks after breakup... then he asks me to pay half the wedding cost that amount to 8,000.... and I said no. I know I was wrong to peek... but it was to find out about the bachleor party...I never thought he would be doing what he was doing... Was I that wrong to snoop?> After I forgave him... why didnt he try and work things out? Maybe he really didnt love me... he was on that site the entire relationship.... not just a month or two.. 14 months... hes very mad at me and hasnt seen me since I gave back the ring. He says hes the victim.... I felt totally betrayed.... but Im sure he wasnt happy that I snooped... but I shouldnt have found anything? Right? Is that cause to end an engagement and marriage? Its been 3 months now... him and I were pretty mad at each other... and sent a few nasty grams to each other... I know I totally over reacted.... and should have been more calm when I confronted him... but I guess it was all the stress of the wedding and then the shock of it and he also lied to me about 7 times in a row before I couldnt take anymore info... and asked him not to tell me anymore. What is your take on this? What should I have done? We went to a conciling session the next day that I forgave him and the consoler said we should wait a year and postphone the wedding until we can trust each other again... I asked him in the car on the way home after that and said do you want to post phone the wedding? he said no... lets keep the date... I didnt know then that he didnt want to post phone that he wanted to cancel.... What do you think about this situation.. was I totally to blame? was I totally wrong? should we have cancelled the wedding? If he loved me and wanted to marry me why was he emailing these girls asking for naked pictures on a sex online ad? Please let me know what you all think Link to post Share on other sites
Author Azeele Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by sally1530 i... anyway after I confronted him he showed me that he had a profile and picture up on lavalife.com in the intimate encounters section ( asking for sex) he said he never crossed the emotional or physical line with any of these girls... but that he was asking them for their naked pictures... Was I that wrong to snoop? What do you think about this situation.. was I totally to blame? was I totally wrong? should we have cancelled the wedding? If he loved me and wanted to marry me why was he emailing these girls asking for naked pictures on a sex online ad? IMHO, you dodged a bullet. I think you would be miserable if you married him. He sounds selfish and clueless about what love and trust are all about. He had a personal ad online and he was emailing girls asking for naked pictures and, somehow, that's OK for an engaged man?!?! I would guess that he also thinks that's ok after he's married, too. I think he overreacted - and yes, I think that was an overreaction - because he was upset at being caught and knew that if he married you he wouldn't be able to carry on with these women in the manner to which he had become accustomed. You ruined his fun. It sounds like he really wants to be single. Maybe he thought he could enjoy both lifestyles - the single life and the married life. When he realized that he couldn't he decided that if he had to make a choice he'd rather be single. Really, he did you a favor by letting you go. Put the shoe on the other foot - if he had been snooping on you, would you be mad? Probably not, because you have nothing to hide. What's the first reaction when confronted with something you know you haven't done? For me, it's "I'm telling the truth. Let me prove it. Look, I'll show you..." Not anger. If my soon to be husband said to me, "Once every other month, I'm going to go online and look to see if you have a personal ad posted anywhere", I'd say, "OK, fine. If that would ease your mind, then do it." Maybe there is something wrong with that. Maybe it shows a poor level of trust, but I wouldn't be mad if he wanted to check up on me in that way. Now, if he wanted to follow me around whenever I left the house, or wanted to call me several times a day just to check up on me, that would be different and I would see that as harassment and a show of insecurity. But, I doubt we would have gotten this far if he was that bad or if I was that bad. We wouldn't be about to get married. I was definitely pleased that my fiance's reaction over his personal ad was "I'll take that down right now." He knew that wasn't acceptable and took it down right away. I completely understand your feelings of insecurity after being cheated on repeatedly. My exH cheated on me - I found out after our separation. The day I moved out he moved his new girlfriend in. To go from the comfortable knowledge that I was loved and respected from the early days of our relationship to having the rug pulled out from under me years later, changed me in ways I probably don't even realize. I wouldn't say I'm jaded but much, much wiser and, yes, more insecure about men. I still believe there are men who don't cheat - they aren't all scum - but I need more reassurance than I did when I was younger. I trusted my exH implicitly. I didn't just believe he wouldn't cheat on me - I knew he wouldn't cheat - because he loved me and I loved him. I trusted him. I would love to have that level of innocence and trust back. But, I don't have that level of trust - for anyone. Sad, but true. I'm shaped by my experiences - so are we all. I don't think you were wrong for snooping. He was acting "weird". You checked it out. If it is a transgression, it's a mild one at best. Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 That is good to hear your view on this. He has made it out that I betrayed him....by snooping and that I over reacted about his " flirting" and "curiousity" he says.... well 14 months of it by the way... He is not sorry for what he did and said he did nothing wrong and didnt cheat and that its my problem if I dont believe him or trust him. He said he couldnt be with someone who couldnt trust him... Hes also mad that I didnt pay for half of the wedding...he told his family I was out for his money.... hello... I have just as much money as he does... I dont need his money , nor never liked him because of his money... I do think that if hes going to do this kind of behavior and not believe that I could forgive him and that we could work on things ... and then cancel the wedding the night before the wedding shower, his entire family knew the wedding was off before I did, it was embarrassing.... and he told me when he cancelled the wedding he would pay for the wedding costs ... well he didnt think it was going to be $18.000... total ... so he was pretty mad at me.... Hes told his family and friends some false story... his family and friends never contacted me after it was called off and disowned me..... didnt care what truely happened... it sucked... I felt betrayed by all of them... I guess its for the best, but I still dont understand how he thinks it my fault and why hes blamed me for everything and has made me feel guity about not paying for the wedding costs... he says hes lost respect of me... didnt he lose respect for me when he posted his ad and picture up looking for other girls? He dosent think hes wrong and feels no guilt and said it was the best decision of his life to cancel the wedding and never wants contact with me again... Why is he acting this way towards me? Hes not the victim...... is he? Link to post Share on other sites
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