wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 So bs texted me and told me that if I'd have had any real proof I'd have sent it by now so anything I send (which I hadn't) would just be stuff I made up and added on to to make him look bad. I told her I didn't need to add anything. I sent her an email saying that I will never contact him again. If he can't own up to his part on this A he's nothing but a lying, cheating spineless man and all their #s are gone from my phone. She then sent another text about how they're both laughing at me, he doesn't want her to even open the email and lower herself to me. He's with her and makes loves to her and hasn't done that to me. I did respond, ( I know I shouldn't have ) gave one very specific detail confirming we were together last month and then said "I'm done, enjoy your life with him" Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 So bs texted me and told me that if I'd have had any real proof I'd have sent it by now so anything I send (which I hadn't) would just be stuff I made up and added on to to make him look bad. I told her I didn't need to add anything. I sent her an email saying that I will never contact him again. If he can't own up to his part on this A he's nothing but a lying, cheating spineless man and all their #s are gone from my phone. She then sent another text about how they're both laughing at me, he doesn't want her to even open the email and lower herself to me. He's with her and makes loves to her and hasn't done that to me. I did respond, ( I know I shouldn't have ) gave one very specific detail confirming we were together last month and then said "I'm done, enjoy your life with him" It is so much more soothing to the soul/heart to direct all those negative emotions to a complete stranger than it is to direct them to the person you love. When the reality of what they've done comes slamming into you it makes it hurt less to push it out into the world, the unknown. Love protects, it's not supposed to rip your life apart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) So bs texted me and told me that if I'd have had any real proof I'd have sent it by now so anything I send (which I hadn't) would just be stuff I made up and added on to to make him look bad. I told her I didn't need to add anything. I sent her an email saying that I will never contact him again. If he can't own up to his part on this A he's nothing but a lying, cheating spineless man and all their #s are gone from my phone. She then sent another text about how they're both laughing at me, he doesn't want her to even open the email and lower herself to me. He's with her and makes loves to her and hasn't done that to me. I did respond, ( I know I shouldn't have ) gave one very specific detail confirming we were together last month and then said "I'm done, enjoy your life with him" It's pretty sick that your MM has thrown you under the bus and your MM has manipulated his wife into believing his lies. It's time for you to come clean with the solid proof. I hope you and his wife get rid of him for good. Edited August 31, 2012 by Furious 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Pissed. And I am done. He's hurt me in the worst way. I did love him very much. This is the 2nd time he's broken my heart. I will move on in my life and hope I'd never see him again More often and better he says. He says you're pathetic and won't leave him alone. I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 wanting - I would ignore at this point and tell her, if she contacts again, that any further contact would be considered as harassment and appropriate actions are being taken. She needs to focus on her husband and getting the answers through him. I think you have supplied enough. If she wanted more from you making you the proverbial whipping boy isn't in the job description and you are not obligated to step into it. Walk away from both of them and move on with your life. I am sorry he has broken your heart twice. ((((((wanting))))) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 wanting more, I think you did the wrong thing by not sending the BW all of the evidence you have of the whole 3 year affair! If she had all of the evidence of his many lies she would feel very differently! All you have done is made things worse by game playing and minimizing everything to the BW. My D's H had 2 different OW, and had been cheating on all of them for almost 5 years.(half of her marriage) We will be forever grateful to both of the OW for providing all the evidence she needed to get a divorce based on the grounds of adultery! They all dumped him and are now living happy lives based on the truth setting them all free of his many lies! He moved out of state and now has a new GF that knows nothing about his history of serial cheating and using people for his own selfish purposes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Let the two of them have each other. Walk away. Who cares what they think, anyway? They're no longer part of your life, and they should have no further impact to your life. He's demonstrated what kind of person he is, and where his priorities are. Time to focus on healing yourself. Let the negative junk go...and work on making today and tomorrow better for yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Thank you. I do plan on moving on. Guess I'm still in the pissed off phase and know I hit the hurt phase. I really did love him. I do hate that my feelings towards him right now are so hateful. I loved him for 3 years I do know anything and everything Ive ever felt means nothing now. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I know it's easy to be upset with the BW. She's obviously treating you like crap. Please bear in mind that in her mind you are either the OW or you are a nutjob. You have the luxury of knowing the truth. I wish there was some way to convey the mental state of a BS upon finding out about an affair. It is truly devastating and it's not entirely about hurt feelings. It is more that your universe no longer makes any sense. I spent 18 years with my wife and never thought it possible that adultery would touch our lives. I am now 18 months past Dday and I still awake every morning in disbelief that this is my life and that it has actually happened. I thought it was impossible but in my case, it was undeniable. I can't imagine the shock and confusion that is happening with this woman. It has to be easier to believe that you are a stalker than it is to believe that the man in front of her, that dedicated his life to protecting her, is lying thru his teeth (has been doing it for YEARS) and the world as she has always known it does not exist. It is very hard to convey how disasterous it is to not even trust your own judgment. It doesn't just hurt; you don't have faith in anything anymore, including yourself. You have an opportunity to at least let her know what she is dealing with. I know you feel terribly wronged and that she is seemingly cruel as well. I has to be tempting to just extricate yourself from the whole damn mess. I would encourage you to give her back some piece of her broken mind. My wife's affair broke me about 6 different times. One of the hardest parts is accepting that I will never really know the truth. In this case, the poor woman's mind is being completely manipulated. It is just plain cruel. Don't let this man get away with this. If she stays after knowing the truth, you can certainly wash your hands of the whole damn thing and you can at least feel that, at the end, you did what you could. Please don't leave her in that mess. You have the power to stop her from going through months, or more likely years, of wandering through life not knowing what the hell is going on. You now owe nothing to the MM. Give her everything you have, be done with them, and then work on your own healing. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I do have an email that I typed up. Not ugly finger pointing just facts and copies of emails showing from the 1st month this A started 3 years ago. I hear on here lots of opinions about being vindictive if I send it. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Wanting More... Walk Away. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I do have an email that I typed up. Not ugly finger pointing just facts and copies of emails showing from the 1st month this A started 3 years ago. I hear on here lots of opinions about being vindictive if I send it. I know the BS is being awful to you, and I'm sorry she said the things she did..but if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you rather believe that this other woman was crazy than that your husband was cheating on you? Being cheated on is the ultimate ego-killer..it makes you feel about an inch high. She knows, deep down, that you are telling the truth..I'd be willing to bet money on that. But she's become accustomed to ignoring red flags and she's going to believe what she chooses to believe instead of what she knows is true. I've been there. I found a pair of high heels under my ex boyfriend's coffee table and he told me they were his sister's..his sister lives 3000 miles away and hadn't visited in months. I chose to believe that and stuck with him for another couple of years. I hope you can understand where she's coming from and find it in your heart to walk away instead of being vindictive. This woman is protecting herself. Yes, she's being cruel to you, but you wronged her first..what's the point in continuing the cycle of cruelty? If you walk away now, you can walk away with your head held high..with dignity. Don't play her game. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 ThatJustHappened;I know the BS is being awful to you, and I'm sorry she said the things she did..but if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you rather believe that this other woman was crazy than that your husband was cheating on you? Being cheated on is the ultimate ego-killer..it makes you feel about an inch high. She knows, deep down, that you are telling the truth..I'd be willing to bet money on that. But she's become accustomed to ignoring red flags and she's going to believe what she chooses to believe instead of what she knows is true. I've been there. I found a pair of high heels under my ex boyfriend's coffee table and he told me they were his sister's..his sister lives 3000 miles away and hadn't visited in months. I chose to believe that and stuck with him for another couple of years. I hope you can understand where she's coming from and find it in your heart to walk away instead of being vindictive. This woman is protecting herself. Yes, she's being cruel to you, but you wronged her first..what's the point in continuing the cycle of cruelty? If you walk away now, you can walk away with your head held high..with dignity. Don't play her game. I have to agree with the above. You know your truths and for your own peace of mind, just try to start your healing process and move on. It sounds as if she is striking out in pain anyway. It would be a different situation if she were coming to you, woman to woman, asking for explanations to feel she wasn't being misled by her WH. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Is what I will do. I know it will be tough but it's what I have to do. The whole A will hopefully one day be just a big blur in my mind and worse mistake I'd ever made. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyElaine Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 wanting - I would ignore at this point and tell her, if she contacts again, that any further contact would be considered as harassment and appropriate actions are being taken. She needs to focus on her husband and getting the answers through him. I think you have supplied enough. If she wanted more from you making you the proverbial whipping boy isn't in the job description and you are not obligated to step into it. Walk away from both of them and move on with your life. I am sorry he has broken your heart twice. ((((((wanting))))) But you helped break HER heart and she had rights to fidelity, you didn't because you were in an A. Don't you owe her big time? I think you do. Gotit doesn't because she's an unrepentant OW. The BS perspective is very different and that's who you're dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Is that what I should do? My email with dates and places? Attach his emails to me talking about "us". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 There seems to be different opinions on here. I should send it. I shouldn't send it. In the text last night I said I was done, no more. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 But you helped break HER heart and she had rights to fidelity, you didn't because you were in an A. Don't you owe her big time? I think you do. Gotit doesn't because she's an unrepentant OW. The BS perspective is very different and that's who you're dealing with. LadyElaine - her husband owes that to her. You may OPINE that it is owed but that is your opinion and no where close to factual. Wanting - it is your call. You HAVE provided information already. Whether or not you provide more is your call. It hasn't been well received at this point so you may be just adding fodder to the fire or you may be give enough to finally be a turning of tides. But the chances of you being acknowledged for it or the harassment lessening is less likely. Do what feels right to you. Ultimately this guy is the one that is not stepping up and doing right by anyone. Honey, there are going to be lots of different opinions on this. There is not one way of doing it. You are going to have to figure out what is best for you. What does your gut tell you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted September 1, 2012 Author Share Posted September 1, 2012 Is telling me walk away. I gave one undeniable example of us being together a month ago. Im hoping she doesn't contact me again (and i don't think she will and I will not contact her or him). If for sone reason she does contact me I will send her my email and forward the emails he and I exchanged and then say that's all I have. Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 LadyElaine - her husband owes that to her. You may OPINE that it is owed but that is your opinion and no where close to factual. Exactly. That's what I've been saying! It's not your fault or my fault that she couldn't keep her husband fulfilled. And she won't change either, people don't change that fundamentally. I would beware it would be used against you somehow. LadyGrey I would like to PM you if you don't mind. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 WM, All she is wanting is proof that he had a LTA with you. I hope the emails will clearly show her how bad he is lying to cover his a**! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Exactly. That's what I've been saying! It's not your fault or my fault that she couldn't keep her husband fulfilled. And she won't change either, people don't change that fundamentally. I would beware it would be used against you somehow. LadyGrey I would like to PM you if you don't mind. Good grief. Now it's the fault of the BS that she didn't keep her husband fulfilled? I'm not going to say that the OW "owes" it to the BS. And most BSs ultimately fault their WS for breaking their vows. But a knowing, long term OW certainly shares some of the responsibility for the betrayal. She may not "owe" anything to the BS but helping her to at least know the truth would be an ethical decision. The OW can't fix everything but she can extend some measure of mercy tothe poor woman. Right now it is the MM who has hurt them both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted September 1, 2012 Author Share Posted September 1, 2012 I never put fault on the BW for this A. I do accept responsibility for letting it continue. I guess I hate that MM doesn't accept responsibility for his part in the A. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 I never put fault on the BW for this A. I do accept responsibility for letting it continue. I guess I hate that MM doesn't accept responsibility for his part in the A. That's the sad thing and what I see in this board so frequently. Ultimately I find sympathy for so many OW. So often it is both women that are devastated and only the MM that wins. He had the A, lied to both women, stays with the W, throws OW under the bus, BS accepts him and believes the lies, and the OW slinks away quietly to heal (many times with some notion of not betraying the WS). Years wasted for both women and the man gets away with it. I am a man and a BS and I can't help but feel for the OW. I hope you find a healthier place. My favorite stories are where the OW band together and take the guy down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted September 1, 2012 Author Share Posted September 1, 2012 i sent her was that we were together a month ago out of town. while lying in bed his hotel room phone rang twice then stopped, it started ringing again and when he answered i realized it was her, checking on him. she had done this a couple times in the past year that i know about because i was in the room. the text was about this particular time. me hearing the conversation he had with her on the phone. how could she deny i was in the room with him??? how could he turn that around??? there would be NO reason for me to know she still calls the hotel rooms to make sure he's in there. to make sure he is where he said he would be. was that vengeful to send??? was it not enough for her to see we're still seeing each other???? how could he talk his way out of that one?? am i that stupid to think this wasn't some sort of proof we're still seeing each other??? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts