He did it again

[LiHai]

I received an email from my xMM last night. We had been no contact for 22 days. That ended when there were a couple of text's sent on my birthday. There was no further communication, until last night.

 

In his email he told me he missed me and how he thought of me every day, from his dreams, to waking and then all through the day until he sleeps again.

 

He described what he thought of when he thought about me. All the memories we shared etc. It was very sweet.

 

He also included a most incredible poem he had written for me. And to top it off he had turned the poem into a song which he recorded and attached to the email (He sings and plays guitar). I felt incredibly sad and happy reading the email and listening to the song.

 

Do you know how he ended the email?

 

I guess this is all to let you know that I miss you incredibly but I'm stuck.

 

He believes he stuck, I believe he isn't and this letter has frustrated me! I was doing ok with the NC. I missed him but was plodding away in life, trying to stay busy. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. I feel like I am being tortured, can't he see what he did is a form of torture?

 

Stupid "I'm stuck" excuse.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't stuck. He is where he wants to be. He made a choice and now he has to respect NC and leave you alone. Time for you to stand up and be strong. Look at how him breaking NC has affected you..22 days and you were starting to feel better.. Gone now because he reached out to you, poured his heart into a song/poem yet why did he do that? To be nice? to make himself feel better by ending it with you? To let you know he still loves you but you can't have him? GET MAD, not sad.

 

Block him and delete his email address. Create a new email so he can't email you anymore (this way you're not tempted to read what he sends you, or write him back)..

 

If you want it over for good and for him to leave you alone so you can continue to heal this has to happen. Total NC in every way.

[mercy]

I agree, stupid.

 

Does it really feel like torture? How is he torturing you? To me it's more insulting than anything. Insulting that you would believe such stupidity.

[whichwayisup]

He believes he stuck, I believe he isn't and this letter has frustrated me! I was doing ok with the NC. I missed him but was plodding away in life, trying to stay busy. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. I feel like I am being tortured, can't he see what he did is a form of torture?

 

Did you email him back? If you want to, write him back, make it very clear and percise - You chose to stay married. Please don't contact me again, it kills me hearing from you so I'm asking you to respect my wishes. If you really do care about me and my well being you will stay out of my life."

 

Don't even mention the poem or song he wrote to you.

[LiHai]

He isn't stuck. He is where he wants to be. He made a choice and now he has to respect NC and leave you alone. Time for you to stand up and be strong. Look at how him breaking NC has affected you..22 days and you were starting to feel better.. Gone now because he reached out to you, poured his heart into a song/poem yet why did he do that? To be nice? to make himself feel better by ending it with you? To let you know he still loves you but you can't have him? GET MAD, not sad.

 

Block him and delete his email address. Create a new email so he can't email you anymore (this way you're not tempted to read what he sends you, or write him back)..

 

If you want it over for good and for him to leave you alone so you can continue to heal this has to happen. Total NC in every way.

 

Thanks for your reply. I felt happiness, sadness and anger all at once. Now I keep rolling through all the different emotions. I want so desperately to block him. I can easily block his email etc, though we work and study in together so there is always a way to reach out to me if need be.

 

The worst part of it all is I would wait for him. But then I am young and would be wasting my time. I feel tragic, I am a happy good person - so why am I yearning (again) for the one person who can both makes me the happiest and unhappiest.

 

I appreciated your reply, it made me see that "yes - I should be angry!" I as doing ok, now I'm back to the start.

[LiHai]

I agree, stupid.

 

Does it really feel like torture? How is he torturing you? To me it's more insulting than anything. Insulting that you would believe such stupidity.

 

Yep - it does feel like torture. Part of that torture is it is insulting to me. It's so freakin hard. I stayed so strong for days, even at my weakest points when I wanted to text or email him I would come to this site and just read.

 

To hear how badly he misses me felt like torture. It was also insulting because in the end he was saying "I miss you, I love you like I have loved no other, I will never get over you. But - I will not do anything about it"

 

What's the point of telling me then!

[LiHai]

Did you email him back? If you want to, write him back, make it very clear and percise - You chose to stay married. Please don't contact me again, it kills me hearing from you so I'm asking you to respect my wishes. If you really do care about me and my well being you will stay out of my life."

 

Don't even mention the poem or song he wrote to you.

 

I'm ashamed to say I did. I wish I had come here before I sent it. I sent an email saying things I wish I could take back.

 

I said the usual, I miss you too, your song was beautiful etc. I then also said I was realistic and that this is unlikely to go anywhere. I asked him what he wanted from me. Did he want me to wait for him or did he want me to move on.

 

I told him I had been moving on and while it was hard at times I was doing ok, and I will keep doing ok.

 

Aaaaarrrggh, here I go again. I am relieved I will not have to see him for another 6 weeks. I'm sure the contact will die off until then.

[whichwayisup]

. I asked him what he wanted from me. Did he want me to wait for him or did he want me to move on.

 

Did he give you an answer?

[LiHai]

He hasn't yet. I sent it late last night, and he works all day so I'm presuming I'll get a reply tonight.

[Emme]

Next time... you don't respond. You come straight here. We will be happy to help you. What's worse for you is he's also musician type... added issue, hard to resist musicians at times. I say block him but what you've done is open conversation. If you do get a response use the last contact with him to end it all. Let him know you'll be blocking him. Be proud of your 22 days. You did good.

[LiHai]

Next time... you don't respond. You come straight here. We will be happy to help you. What's worse for you is he's also musician type... added issue, hard to resist musicians at times. I say block him but what you've done is open conversation. If you do get a response use the last contact with him to end it all. Let him know you'll be blocking him. Be proud of your 22 days. You did good.

 

They are so hard to resist!, and he knows I have a weak spot for singing and music, it was something we used to do together.

 

If he replies, which I think he will, I will end it, again. The last time was so hard and I felt heartbroken but I knew it was right. I feel that what he's done has set me back but I'm not at the point I was last time. Spending this time away from him has allowed me to re-focus on healing myself and just learning to be happy with me.

 

I love him so much and I know that walking away is right but it doesn't make it any easier.

[suki1]

My exMM did something similar, sending me poems and what not during times we went NC early on. I too was young (22) and thought I had time to spare if need be. So I've got some idea how you might be feeling. Like everyone else has said, if you can channel that emotion into anger then do so. Anger isn't nice, but it's nicer than sadness and caving in and it gives you the strength to put up the barricades and stop him hurting you further.

 

As others have said, he is not "stuck". He's married? So what, grow a pair and get a divorce. They own their own home? So what, sell it and split it. They have children perhaps? Focus on co-parenting in a healthy way, apart.

 

By contacting you he is disrespecting you, because you asked for NC. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect your needs? There are plenty of sexy musicians out there, go find them.

[Fitz]

Do you know how he ended the email?

 

I guess this is all to let you know that I miss you incredibly but I'm stuck.

 

He believes he stuck, I believe he isn't and this letter has frustrated me! I was doing ok with the NC. I missed him but was plodding away in life, trying to stay busy. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. I feel like I am being tortured, can't he see what he did is a form of torture?

 

Stupid "I'm stuck" excuse.

 

Maybe he loves you. Maybe not. Either way, the bottom line is this:

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU ENOUGH!

 

Furthermore, his use of the term "stuck" is just a dramatic euphemism for "coward." So he could write you one million songs. But that still doesn't change the fact that his "love" isn't strong enough to make him get up off his a$$ and do something about it. So what good is it?

 

Plain and simple -he's a coward! And his writing songs about it is pointless.

 

People get so caught up in the fanfare of a loving relationship (the flowers, the poems, the serenading, the sex) that they lose sight of the substenance of a loving relationship (the dedication, honesty, comittment, and real action...). So don't get it confused!

 

In other words: Fanfare without substenance is deception. It's smoke and mirrors and parlor tricks. A hollow illusion of a meaningful relationship. And it is doomed to fall apart.

Edited August 31, 2012 by Fitz

[hermione08]

I love it when married people who do not want to leave the comfort of their marriage say "they are stuck". It's like they are mice caught in a trap. It's not their fault, it just "happens" to them. Poor them.. :)

Tell him to keep his songs and poems for his wife and to leave you alone.

He's a spineless coward and you are lucky you are not married to him. :)

[Summer Breeze]

I agree, he's not stuck. We are all where we want to be. Some people feel like they're stuck in all sorts of things in their lives. I'm stuck in this job. I'm stuck in this house. I'm stuck with this car. I'm stuck with this body. We all know that no one is stuck. We are where we choose to be. Sometimes we don't have the energy to change. Sometimes we don't want to change because everything else that we're familiar with and happy with will change as well. Sometimes we're lazy. Sometimes we feel that we shouldn't change something because what other people might think. Reasons for some and excuses for others.

 

I remember a few times at the beginning of the A when MM said he 'had' to go. I told him he didn't 'have' to do anything -- he was choosing to do what he did. The first time he tried to argue with me about it. The next few times he just said yeah I know. After that he never said it.

 

Don't let him get away with telling you he's stuck. He isn't. Neither are you.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

"I'm Stuck" translates to "I'm bored, Not gonna leave my wife, but I miss having my fun on the side"

 

You say he's torturing you, but you're giving him the whip to use when you continue to respond to him. It feeds his ego because he sees he can still get a reaction out of you.

 

You're asking questions you know the answers to: What he wants is to continue the affair, and he wants you to be ok with being his sidepiece to be used at his convenience. (This is what he really wants) but he will tell you whatever you need to hear to make you comfortable with it.

 

and why are you asking his permission on the future of YOUR life? He shouldn't have to TELL you to move on, you should have more respect for yourself to WANT to move on.

[LiHai]

Don't let him get away with telling you he's stuck. He isn't. Neither are you.

 

I didn't let him get away with it! In my reply I told him I didn't believe he is stuck, none of us are. I wasn't when I left my husband.

 

I can understand him feeling that way, feeling that taking the steps to make the reality you want is overwhelming and scary. He doesn't hate his wife, he respects her (obviously not enough to not cheat on her!) and knows she is a good, good person. He just doesn't love her. Cliche I know. But it's reality. It happens in relationships, people grow up and apart, beliefs change etc.

 

We went NC because I asked him to as he wanted to try again with his wife, which I respect.

 

The difference between his marriage and mine was that I was aware of my problems before the affair. Having the affair was my final straw and I knew I needed to leave my husband to stop all the pain and resentment building between us. It was hard but I know it's the right move, whatever the future holds.

 

He had problems in his marriage but they never dealt with it by talking, he buried himself in work and study (almost like an affair!) it wasn't until he was in an affair that he took stock of all the mistakes he was making and how unhappy he was.

 

His first step is to try and make it work with his wife, he and I both believe that is the right thing to do. If it doesn't work out, at least he tried. If it doesn't work out, I may or may not have moved on, again - who knows what the future holds!

 

He was however supposed to maintain NC unless he had left his wife.

[LiHai]

"I'm Stuck" translates to "I'm bored, Not gonna leave my wife, but I miss having my fun on the side"

 

See, I don't agree with this. Not every man is a pig wanting sex on the side. If I asked him to come and see me tonight to make love, he would say no. He may miss me, he may still have feelings for me, he may want to make love to me but I am not his bit on the side. He knows what he needs to do, he is trying and yeah, he's finding it hard. He is just a normal man - with real feelings and conflicts. Right now he is taking steps to see if he can make his marriage work. Yes he has lapsed, no that does not mean he is having an affair again with me.

 

You say he's torturing you, but you're giving him the whip to use when you continue to respond to him. It feeds his ego because he sees he can still get a reaction out of you.

 

I kind of agree with this. Yes I did reply so I have fed the continuation of contact. I probably shouldn't have but I am human and I have feelings. So I replied. I thought what he wrote was beautiful and torturous all at once. I let him know this.

 

 

 

You're asking questions you know the answers to: What he wants is to continue the affair, and he wants you to be ok with being his sidepiece to be used at his convenience. (This is what he really wants) but he will tell you whatever you need to hear to make you comfortable with it.

 

I disagree with this. He does not want me to be his side piece. We are not meeting and have no plans to. He would not use me at his convenience. Again not all men are pigs, at least not where I'm from. Again he doesn't tell me whatever it is I need to hear. He tells me what he thinks and feels. Quite often that means he tells me he loves me but he must attempt to salvage his marriage.

 

We were working on the understanding that he will work towards saving his marriage, if it does not work out, he will leave. That could be 2 months from now to 20 years from now. Whatever the case, I am moving on. If he were to leave and I was available I would be interested in trying a relationship with him, something that would need to be taken slowly and with care.

 

and why are you asking his permission on the future of YOUR life? He shouldn't have to TELL you to move on, you should have more respect for yourself to WANT to move on.

 

I thought someone might say this. I am NOT asking permission to move on. I AM moving on, though it is a slow process as I care deeply for him. I have taken so many steps to enable me to move on. Getting in touch with friends and family, taking up new hobbies, meeting new people, focussing on my family etc. I respect myself, I want to move on, I have been doing that.

 

This email has been a relapse, it doesn't mean I'm back to square one. No, I will hold myself strong and keep walking towards my future.

 

I DID ask him if he wanted me to wait but it was more to know if that was the purpose behind his email.

[LiHai]

So he did reply last night.

 

I cried while reading it, not because he professed his love for me or anything like that but because this email contained such honesty and a lot of reflection.

 

He talked about how he has been trying to work on his marriage but how it comes from a place of what he 'needs' to do and not a place of what he 'wants' to do. He realizes that this means the reconciliation is not working and unless he stops obsessing over me, it will never work.

 

He told me he has grown apart from his wife when it comes to all the fundamental aspects of his being, i.e. beliefs, friends, music, goals for the future etc. He is worried reconciliation will not work and that he is scared of breaking his wife even further because he stills cares for how she feels.

 

He told me the biggest thing that stops him from running to me is his insecurities and how he worries that he will bring that to us and destroy us too. I thought he was extremely open which I appreciated. I want him to know that if he leaves it cannot be all about me! And we all have insecurities! Ugh! I haven't replied, I don't know if I am going to!

 

I think the other thing of importance that he said is that he doesn't want me to wait on him as that is incredibly unfair on me. He said not to to, unless I wanted to wait on him in case he actually gets the courage he needs to do it.

[whichwayisup]

So he did reply last night.

 

I cried while reading it, not because he professed his love for me or anything like that but because this email contained such honesty and a lot of reflection.

 

At least he's being honest with you, even if it hurts.

 

He talked about how he has been trying to work on his marriage but how it comes from a place of what he 'needs' to do and not a place of what he 'wants' to do. He realizes that this means the reconciliation is not working and unless he stops obsessing over me, it will never work.

 

So you need to respect that and let him go. He's made his decision, so for your own sanity, do NC. No new hurts if you stay in NC mode. Forever. Your A is over and he wants to fix things at home.

 

He told me he has grown apart from his wife when it comes to all the fundamental aspects of his being, i.e. beliefs, friends, music, goals for the future etc. He is worried reconciliation will not work and that he is scared of breaking his wife even further because he stills cares for how she feels.

All the more reason not to be in his life.. He has to give this a chance to grow again and reconnect with his wife without you.

 

He told me the biggest thing that stops him from running to me is his insecurities and how he worries that he will bring that to us and destroy us too. I thought he was extremely open which I appreciated. I want him to know that if he leaves it cannot be all about me! And we all have insecurities! Ugh! I haven't replied, I don't know if I am going to!

 

When you email him back tell him goodbye. Wish him well. You need to do this because he isn't going to leave his wife and you having any bit of hope will prevent you from moving on with your life.

I think the other thing of importance that he said is that he doesn't want me to wait on him as that is incredibly unfair on me. He said not to to, unless I wanted to wait on him in case he actually gets the courage he needs to do it.

Don't wait for him.

[veryhappy]

Why don't you test your opinion and offer a sexual encounter? See if he says "no"?

 

You have to believe what he's saying. He's saying he's working on his marriage because he needs to, and he's stuck in that place. Stuck means not moving, not moving to be with you.

[LiHai]

Really?

 

Then why is he intruding in your life again, 22 days later, with all his proclaimations of love, ridiculous poems, and that corny nonsense about not waiting for him - UNLESS you want to just in CASE he gets the nerve up to act like a man with a spine?

 

This guy is pathetic.

 

Well I know this guy and I don't believe I'm just a bit on the side. I believe I am someone he cares for. Not everyone is a dirty rotten cheater. Yes he did cheat, so did I, and we know that what we did was wrong. The act of what we did was not wrong, but doing it before we had left our partners was. Very wrong.

 

While I know is morally the wrong thing to do, we are but human and sometimes we do things that aren't right. I took all the right steps to rectify it on my end. Confessing, separating from my husband, slowing off contact with the AP and then going full NC.

 

On his end he's tried to rectify it by reconciling with his wife, slowing contact with me and then going NC (We had gone NC previously) He lapsed, I lapsed but I believe what he has to say. This time has been hard for him - doing what he thinks is right thing to do while missing me incredibly. Why should that not be real? Why are his feelings towards me not real? Why do you 'Just_A_Poster' )and others) believe he only wants me for sex?

 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's very late at night where I'm from and I'm posting cos I can't sleep!

[LiHai]

His wife contact me again today. Asked me if there had been any contact between us. I said yes and she asked what were the communications about, I found it incredibly difficult to know what to say. I didn't want to lie to her but I didn't want to tell her either. I told her that it was not my place to say and that she needed to talk to her husband directly.

 

I couldn't tell her about his words of missing me, loving me etc. That's what he needs to tell her, not me! He did end up telling her and they have decided to separate.

 

I'm going to continue to stay away from it all and just keep focusing on my own life like I have been - He will be under a lot of stress and will have a lot of issues to deal with and neither of us want to rush anything because we all know things can change! Again I am nervous and excited over the idea that one day we may be together openly. I'm realistic though, for both of our sakes that will be a long way away, if ever. I do hope it will be.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

See, I don't agree with this. Not every man is a pig wanting sex on the side. If I asked him to come and see me tonight to make love, he would say no. He may miss me, he may still have feelings for me, he may want to make love to me but I am not his bit on the side. He knows what he needs to do, he is trying and yeah, he's finding it hard. He is just a normal man - with real feelings and conflicts. Right now he is taking steps to see if he can make his marriage work. Yes he has lapsed, no that does not mean he is having an affair again with me.

 

I agree not every man is a pig, but every cheating man is. I don't think any OW wants to believe that we are the bit on the side, but here's a reality check: if he is still with his wife, then you are.

Every line that you have been fed, believe me every OW on this board has heard or seen as well. We all want to believe our situation is different, but it's all the same. I don't know your MM personally, but I know the type.

 

I disagree with this. He does not want me to be his side piece. We are not meeting and have no plans to. He would not use me at his convenience. Again not all men are pigs, at least not where I'm from. Again he doesn't tell me whatever it is I need to hear. He tells me what he thinks and feels. Quite often that means he tells me he loves me but he must attempt to salvage his marriage.

 

So what was the point in all this? He loves you and wants you to move on. Then why is he contacting you, spilling his tale of woe. If he is trying to work it out with his wife, then he should be trying to work it out with his wife. Why is he bothering you, especially when you had begun to move on.

 

We were working on the understanding that he will work towards saving his marriage, if it does not work out, he will leave. That could be 2 months from now to 20 years from now. Whatever the case, I am moving on. If he were to leave and I was available I would be interested in trying a relationship with him, something that would need to be taken slowly and with care.

 

Why do YOU need to work with HIM to save HIS marriage with HIS wife? I think you are in denial. You are so caught up in what he is telling you, you can't see the truth. You say you're moving on, you really haven't you're waiting for him to give you a green light.

 

I thought someone might say this. I am NOT asking permission to move on. I AM moving on, though it is a slow process as I care deeply for him. I have taken so many steps to enable me to move on. Getting in touch with friends and family, taking up new hobbies, meeting new people, focussing on my family etc. I respect myself, I want to move on, I have been doing that.

 

I hope this is true

This email has been a relapse, it doesn't mean I'm back to square one. No, I will hold myself strong and keep walking towards my future.

 

We all have had relapses, but again when you continue to defend, you will have many more.

 

I DID ask him if he wanted me to wait but it was more to know if that was the purpose behind his email.

 

This is what I mean by denial, You wanted to know what his purpose was behind the email. Did you really not know? and what answers were you looking to hear that would have made any difference in the situation whatsoever?

[Ladydrib]

Yep - it does feel like torture. Part of that torture is it is insulting to me. It's so freakin hard. I stayed so strong for days, even at my weakest points when I wanted to text or email him I would come to this site and just read.

 

To hear how badly he misses me felt like torture. It was also insulting because in the end he was saying "I miss you, I love you like I have loved no other, I will never get over you. But - I will not do anything about it"

 

What's the point of telling me then!

 

I've heard the same thing again and again. You hurt because you make peace with the fact that he's stringing you along (I say fact based on that's what his actions are showing). Then you find strength (btw give yourself huge credit for this) strength to move forward without hopes for the two of you. Then he notices you are escaping his mental trap, so he hunts you down again, professing his love. And then all of a sudden all the clarity you developed unravels as the self doubt kicks in and you ask yourself "maybe he really will leave? Maybe I just didn't tough it out long enough? Maybe I pressured too much?" Maybe this... That... Whatever. This is why it's so hard. And he possibly will keep doing it. But you can keep strong.

 

Has he told you he's leaving? I am guessing he has never actually said that directly. Maybe you'll get lucky and he will say those words. This helped me in my situation because that was a commitment to an action. So once he did not follow through, he became a liar in my eyes. Before that, to me, he had been someone who was struggling with letting go of an unhappy marriage. He was someone who I knew loved me, but I did not know if or when he was leaving.

 

This does sound quite like a lie in disguise, doesn't it?? "I miss you, I love you like I have loved no other, I will never get over you. But - I will not do anything about it". I listened to the same thing for way too long.