bluegreen Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) Did you ever found yourself explaining why you have no contact or serious boundaries with "toxic" familiar to other people and had them making you look and seem like on you forget forgive suck it up tolerate that's family you don't do that to family and rest of that crap but "they" have no problem making our lives hell and even get pats on back for it. Are people really that dumb or careless not to hear words out of mouths hear pain in them and see it in our faces or eyes or they are afraid that if we tell them about it they will have to take some responsibility for us or that situation ? Today I had that happen where I was forced to "explain" and defend myself and my situation one more time and I wanted to slap that person so bad am pretty sure they saw it to as well and kind of backed off been there seen that countless times and am still speechless by it ... Edited August 31, 2012 by bluegreen to clarify point 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Yeah, I often get it. I have barely nothing to do with the two members of my family I'm still in contact with, my mother and my younger brother. I actually do like my younger brother, but he lives with my mother and can be a bit loose lipped (especially when he's had a drink) so I have to watch what I say to him. I don't buy into the whole 'it's family' bollocks - I never have. I expect the same standards of behaviour from everyone...related to me or not. Luckily, the older I get - I just turned 44 - the less likely I am to explain my stance to anyone who questions it. I cut them off pretty quickly, 9 times out of 10 it's none of their sodding business anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Just a few months ago i had the full realization of what my grandparents and my school teacher did to me. I have talked to a few ppl since then, and i also noticed this. They can't understand how i could not love my grandparents, how i felt nothing at their deaths, why i cringe when i start talking of them, why is that look of disgust on my face. One person out of maybe 5, that i've told, understood it somehow. I think those that went through abuse, understand. Mittens, what country are you from originally ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 What I've come to realize is that family relationships are often put into some sort of moral context. Historically, the long-standing unwritten rule about family is that family is a sacred bond, and that preserving the bonds of kinship are of the utmost importance. Modern living has given individuals more choices on how to live their lives and what to tolerate. I think that's a good thing, but it also makes life more complicated. In the old days, birth order determined family rank, roles in the family, and that was that. You didn't question it because that meant exile - and exile from family is historically a precarious position to be in. As we've evolved, as civilization has developed, as people have become more individually autonomous, those old social bonds have been ripped apart. I think for some people it's unsettling. Some still want to see the world in which there's a firm familial hierarchy and social structure. The fact that these structures can be used to abuse and manipulate is of no concern to some people. Which brings me to the next factor: there's a human tendency to fail to step outside of one's own experience. Someone who is otherwise satisfied with their interaction with their own family will have a hard time understanding why others don't value the same with theirs. Individuals have relationships with other individuals. Those individual relationships take on lives of their own. Just because person A and person B get along doesn't necessarily mean that person A and person C should. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Radu: I'm originally from Australia, I live in the UK now. And yes, I prefer it! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) Yep, finally someone else who can relate! My dad always does this, but it only goes ways. He talks about family is family. But when family needs something from him, don't go there. He was mad because I told my brother he could not stay at my apartment...despite telling him several hours earlier he couldn't sleep over because I was sick that day and not feeling well. (live in a small apartment) Well he came over late at night anyways and my dad thinks I shouldn't have let him drive after drinking. He was a little buzzed, but not drunk. I told my dad since he lives around the corner, he could put my brother up on the couch. My H's mother has never been there for him, other than to make herself look like mother of the year planning our wedding, graduation parties etc, but never seeing us otherwise. She puts on this big show like her and my husband are so close. She has cancer now and my dad was blaming my H for his mother and stepfather's choice not to want us around or see us. That is THEIR choice, not ours...but they definitely made it easier for us, because I don't need those toxic people in my life and my H doesn't either. Edited August 31, 2012 by pink_sugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluegreen Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 How sad to say am not only one in this issue and what makes it harder its a fact almost always they are master whiners and manipulators able to completely sell their "poor me" stories to anyone around them in fact they made an art of it. What's more sad people believe them as they are accomplished liars and hypocrites plus able to put whatever face its needed for whatever situation if one out of 20 persons believe us it should be considered miracle cause for anyone else they are "sweethearts". And you know what's third most sad factor when they are your own blood like parent or similar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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