I am "too nice" and I can't change it!

[Coffee20]

I guess it's my problem and it complicates my life. I always when I am asked, I help or borrow someone something and also when I see that someone needs my help I go and help or I ask whether they need help. I read somewhere on the internet that offering help too much is disrespectful because then I show to people that they are unable. I have never thought about it this way.

I can't change it, I don't do it because I want them to like me but because it's very natural for me and people usually use it, walk over me, want too much and I feel then stupid, because if I say finally NO they get angry and call me bad and they stop talking to me. Or I think I always try to be too understanding I always try to look at other views and if someone hurt me I think it's my fault.

I put too nice into brackets because those people probably don't even think its nice, they think it's weak and stupid maybe amusing.

I am angry with myself but I don't know what to do, I ALWAYS do it.

[Radu]

If i recall, you are young.

 

Don't be angry with yourself, what you have right there is emotional intelligence, empathy.

That's great, if used properly.

 

With time you will get like a filter of 'should i do it or not' that you will run your actions through.

 

Just get good boundaries, to identify abusers from other genuinely nice ppl.

[dollface07]

try hard to determine what are your values/preferences things determine things that you would be willing to compromise on if faced with competing interests or things that are fundamental to who you are as a person that you would not prefer to compromise on at all to keep your self esteem in tact.

 

I used to struggle with this a lot but I slowly learnt over time and trust me the world is a much better place when you develop your own backbone yes people may think you are being mean at times but it's better than some people may be temporarily upset at you (they will eventually get over it TRUST ME and respect you more for sticking to your values) than being majorly upset at yourself for doing something that you feel bad over later.

[dollface07]

Dont be afraid to assert yourself b/c for me when I suffered with this problem I was coming from a place of fear of being abandoned...but the trick is that the more you are able to identify what your own values, preference and beliefs are over time and set up healthy limits with others you are actually able to keep other people's respect (instead of losing it) and then you not only maintain healthy relationships you currently have but actually gain more healthy relationships...You wont be acting out of fear but rather out of self-respect...eventually somebody will challenge you and you will see that standing up for yourself is not the end of that relationship it actually makes the give and take of interpersonal interaction more effective...

 

i am not going to lie, standing up for yourself is scary at first but through positive reinforcement of consistently good results you'll wish you had done it sooner! You are young so that's really great you'll have a much easier time of breaking old habits

 

also, be compassionate with yourself, you do have innate emotional intelligence but also you may have maladaptive tendencies due to your upbringing perhaps you were overly responsible for your siblings or the oldest child or had something traumatic happen growing up that forced you to be faced with adult realities before you were capable...dont feel bad for how you are now b/c you are really resilient and now have the opportunity to relearn more effective ways of interacting with others combined with your resilient nature due to your prior experiences. You will be better because of your unique perspective of people from both sides of the spectrum...be patient with yourself it took me about 2.5 years to sort myself out with similar behaviors that you described yourself having...that seems like a long time but one day you'll just realize how much better off you are after all of that growth and maturity takes place.

 

Good Luck!

[Taramere]

I can't change it, I don't do it because I want them to like me but because it's very natural for me and people usually use it, walk over me, want too much and I feel then stupid, because if I say finally NO they get angry and call me bad and they stop talking to me. Or I think I always try to be too understanding I always try to look at other views and if someone hurt me I think it's my fault.

 

I put too nice into brackets because those people probably don't even think its nice, they think it's weak and stupid maybe amusing.

I am angry with myself but I don't know what to do, I ALWAYS do it.

 

I remember back in my twenties reading a book called "A Woman in your Own Right" by Anne Dickson, and finding it very good. At the time I was having some hellish difficulties with a couple of people I worked with..and so I was reading up a lot of info on bullying/assertiveness in order to prep my self for managing the situation better.

 

There was another book that I found helpful round about that time which was "Talking from 9 to 5" by Deborah Tannen. I'm afraid I can't remember much of what I read that I found so helpful back then, but all I know is that I switched my approach with the people I was working with quite dramatically.

 

At first it was horrible...they really kicked back at me (metaphorically). People won't permit you to change your approach towards a more assertive one without fighting you/trying to push you back into that "I'm all wrong and everything's my fault" victim box that they'd prefer you to stay in. However, I persevered and I think it maybe took about 3 months of me sticking with the new approach come what may. It was worth the effort.

 

In the case of a user who imposes unacceptably on you, sometimes it's easier and all round better to just give a sad eyed smile and say "I'd love to help, but I'm really busy that day" than to go through the whole drama of kindly but firmly laying down boundaries. Generally, a combination of identifying helpful reading materials and watching other people (ones you admire) dealing with tricky situations will help you a lot.

[goldengirl11]

I can sooo identify wih Coffee20's problem. I'm 34 now and feel that I'm often, to the outside world i.e not immediate family, still showing this sweet young girl side of me, but somehow it feels a bit false though. I also think it has caused problems in a finding and keeping a man - who treats me properly. Any advice would be appreciated too!