Who' Right?

[jamiedrchiro]

My wife told me yesterday that she stayed at her work and had lunch. I found out later that she went to a restaurant. When I asked her again what she did for lunch she started getting defensive and trying to make my look bad by saying I am watching her.

 

MY question is who is right

 

Me for calling her out on her lie, or her for saying I am watching her?

 

A little background, married 11 years, multiple events where I caught her in lies when we were dating.

[MichiganMan222]

What does she normally do for lunch? Come home?

 

How did you find out about the restaurant?

 

When you asked her again, did you specifically ask about the restaurant or just ask what she did? If you asked about the restaurant, did she deny going there? If you just asked what she did in general, did she admit to the restaurant?

 

Either way, when the restaurant was brought up, did she deny it?

 

If not, did she tell you who she was with?

 

Are you guys struggling financially?

 

How long ago were the past lies?

Edited August 31, 2012 by MichiganMan222

[strongnrelaxed]

There are very predictable behaviors of people who are lying. Getting defensive is the easiest one to recognize and combat. It gets trickier when she starts to put YOU on the defensive. Perhaps she starts crying and reminding you of the time you talked to that secretary. Maybe she starts complaining about a headache or period pains. Perhaps she starts getting misty about her _____ (father, mother, grandma,etc) passing away ____ years ago.

 

These are classic tactics of a lying woman and become easy to spot once you see the reactions.

 

The problem is that you already know in your gut that she went somewhere else or you wouldn't have verified it. When my wife says "I have to go pee" and she comes back ten minutes later, I don't feel compelled to check to see if she actually made a steak sandwich. I can take it on faith. If on the other hand she says that she went out with a friend and my instincts tell me otherwise, she is possibly lying.

 

You did the right thing by checking. Now you know your wife is a liar. Sorry to say it so harshly, but if the spirit of this thread is about honesty, don't get angry with me for delivering it!

 

I would tell her something like this:

 

"Sweetest dear wife. I love you and we have been together for a long time. We have forgiven each other for various things over the years and we should continue to do so. However, you have lied to me. If you persist in lying about the lie, then you are doing irreparable harm to my trust in you. Harm that will NEVER be undone. Do you understand me? DON"T TALK. Just listen. I will give you the last word. Just be very, very careful in what you say. Am I clear? If you lie to me one more time and I find solid evidence that you lied, I will leave you. Period. I don't care if it is a lie about how you spent the spare change from the gas station. Our marriage is based on trust and if I cannot trust you then we have no basis for a marriage. Do you understand? Am I clear? I will leave you with no arguments, or debates, or negotiation."

 

If she is like most women, she will start the process of getting ready for a divorce. You will start seeing her tighter with her money and you can watch of signs of "uncoupling" (there is a good book about this).

 

Women cannot be honest. It is not in their nature. So you will have to decide how to deal with this. All men have to deal with coming to this realization at some point in their marriages.

 

Good luck. This will be a hard time for you. Look me up if you need a man's perspective.

[Madman81]

Strongnrelaxed, I agree with your assessment, but with respect, disagree with your suggested approach.

 

OP, I'd suggest that you drop the issue entirely -- to outside appearances. You know she lied. The fact that she became defensive suggests that she's hiding something.

 

So, let the subject go quiet. And meanwhile, start checking her email, FB messages, internet search history, cell bill, and text messages. Are there a bunch of cell calls to one particular number? Make a note every day she tells you she stayed at work and had lunch, and later check it with her credit card statement to see if there's a restaurant meal that day.

 

The idea is to get her to let her guard down, and gather evidence quietly.

 

Good luck...

[strongnrelaxed]

Strongnrelaxed, I agree with your assessment, but with respect, disagree with your suggested approach.

 

OP, I'd suggest that you drop the issue entirely -- to outside appearances. You know she lied. The fact that she became defensive suggests that she's hiding something.

 

So, let the subject go quiet. And meanwhile, start checking her email, FB messages, internet search history, cell bill, and text messages. Are there a bunch of cell calls to one particular number? Make a note every day she tells you she stayed at work and had lunch, and later check it with her credit card statement to see if there's a restaurant meal that day.

 

The idea is to get her to let her guard down, and gather evidence quietly.

 

Good luck...

 

I stand corrected. Madman makes an excellent point. You should gather evidence. It will help you build a case, and more importantly it will help you later when you doubt your decision to leave her. You can look back at the evidence as a reminder.

[road]

Put a key logger on the computer and hide a digital VAR in her car, and one in the house to hear her phone calls.

 

Also hide a real time GPS on her car.

 

Gather evidence.

 

Do not confront until you run it by us. When you do confront never, ever reveal your sources.

 

You do not have to prove that you know the truth. She knows that you caught her. If you reveal your sources then if WW is up to no good she will then know how to avoid you finding out what she is doing.

 

Stay calm and gather intelligence.

[Chi townD]

I can understand that she could feel smothered if she feels that you're looking over her shoulder all of the time. BUT!!! I don't know why she would hide something as simple as lunch, unless she had something to hide. So, I see your point too.

[karnak]

 

Women cannot be honest. It is not in their nature. So you will have to decide how to deal with this. All men have to deal with coming to this realization at some point in their marriages.

 

 

Unfortunately, this is TRUE.

 

Woman can be faithful to their husbands and really be in love with them. Yet, they'll lie to them about the stupidest things.

 

My mother loves my father and has always been faithful to him. Yet, she has always lied and done things behind his back (shopping, etc...) as far as I can remember.

Harmless, stupid little things. But based on lying, nonetheless.

[jamiedrchiro]

typing on my phone, so sorry for grammar. She said she went to restaurant but felt guilty because of her weight gain. I keep close track of her cell. She does not hide it or always keep it with her. I dont feel as if she was 'cheating' with the restaurant thing. I always know her whereabouts via cell phone locator, this one time is the only one where she lied bout it. Still would like to get a good var. Any suggestions?

 

Thanks again to everyone for your help. I will keep u posted.

[karnak]

It seems that if you're posting here it's because your gut is telling you something.

[jamiedrchiro]

yea, karnak, with our history i am a well trained skeptic. I acted like a little boy when we dated. She would break up with me and go out and have fun knowing i would take her back. That happened 5 times while dating 3 years. Now were married 2 kids, shes a diagnosed bipolar type 2. She has settled down alot now and besides the occasional common marital problems we are happy.

But as i started saying during dating years, she really broke my trust with her, and i still have obvious trust issues.

I do not believe she has ever had a physical affair with anyone. Especially with her being bipolar, i want to keep a close tab on her.

I did make it very clear with her today that i would not tolerate any lies or deception and that if i felt she was hiding something, she would come home to her bags packed.

Now to good voice activated recorders, any opinions on them?

[Stillgrowing]

I'm assuming you'll be completely honest with her and tell her that you are tracking her cell phone and putting a voice activated recorder on her, correct? To do so without her knowledge is decieptful, just as lying to you is.

[salparadise]

Now to good voice activated recorders, any opinions on them?

 

I have some experience with them. While I was going through my divorce I decided it would be a good thing to record a few of her raging, cursing, name-calling fits... which I eventually did and it provided significant leverage not so much as legal evidence, but to bring a bit of perspective when she was trying convince everyone that I was the evil one and she was the perfect little wifey

 

I tried several and the one I finally was happy with was Olympus DS-40. It has been superceded now by a newer model. Don't waste any money on the really cheap ones. There are limitations on how well they can record when concealed, so go ahead and get a mini remote microphone when you get the recorder. That way you can get the recorder out of sight and position the mic to receive direct sound. They have a very hard time separating background noise from the signal you're trying to record, so don't expect that you'll get anything useful in the car with the radio on or other noisy environments. Tried to post a pic but this sucky site won't display pics at all so you'll have to google. Olympus kind of owns the market for these things in the $100 price range, which is what you should be prepared to spend or else just save your money.

Edited September 1, 2012 by salparadise

[jamiedrchiro]

Guess i should clarify something that 'Just A Poster' mentioned. I was and openly admit to being p***** whipped when we were dating. However, that has changed, and shes fully aware. When i told her 'i would not tolerate any lies and would pack her bags' is before she admitted to going to the restaurant. When i first confronted her about it is when she was trying to trying to turn the tables on me saying i was checking up on her. After i told her i would not tolerate it, she immediately apologized and confessed. She knows she was wrong about lying.

This leads me to why i want a VAR. She said 'i went to arbys and ate in the car'. I can only validate that she went to arbys via the phone locator, but not if she was alone or with someone else. I hope this justifys my using a VAR for the ones in this forum.

Once again thanks for the responses.

[road]

I'm assuming you'll be completely honest with her and tell her that you are tracking her cell phone and putting a voice activated recorder on her, correct? To do so without her knowledge is decieptful, just as lying to you is.

 

 

Verifying is someone is not lying, cheating, or having an affair is not being deceitful.

 

Being stupid enough to tell some one that you are checking up on them to see if they are having an affair and how you are checking will only give the cheater the knowledge to avoid you catching them.

 

Only those that have something to hide, as an affair, will get upset because they do not want to get caught.

 

There is no WW or WH that deserves to have and affair.

[OleBlue]

Strongnrelaxed, I agree with your assessment, but with respect, disagree with your suggested approach.

 

OP, I'd suggest that you drop the issue entirely -- to outside appearances. You know she lied. The fact that she became defensive suggests that she's hiding something.

 

So, let the subject go quiet. And meanwhile, start checking her email, FB messages, internet search history, cell bill, and text messages. Are there a bunch of cell calls to one particular number? Make a note every day she tells you she stayed at work and had lunch, and later check it with her credit card statement to see if there's a restaurant meal that day.

 

The idea is to get her to let her guard down, and gather evidence quietly.

 

Good luck...

 

Have you been down this road before? This is excellent advice! Thank you for sharing and bringing it back into my mind...

[OleBlue]

You're a brave man. I avoid Bipolar's like the plague. Too much trouble and drama.

 

 

Ummmmm...she just LIED to you about going to a restaurant. Are her packed bags out in the hallway? Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

Don't put down boundaries if you have no intention of standing by them. What's the point?

 

Sure get a VAR. Find out she's lied to you 17 more times and each time don't do anything about it. That's been your pattern for far too long and look where its gotten you.

 

Wow! Easy killer.. This is his wife were talking about.. A marriage, committment, kids, etc.. Lots of stuff to think about and it would be horrible to end something worthwhile over a simple lie like this. The OP just needs to see if she lies more.. I don't believe a simple lie is worthy of a divorce unless it's cheating, affair.