How do you get over someone you still love?

[KansasChica]

I loved my ex more than I've ever loved anyone. He had his issues. I did too. But, I loved him unconditionally. When he broke up with me 8 months ago I was absolutely heartbroken. The end came around the 9 month mark. He broke up with me when things were getting really good, stable, and starting to get serious. He couldn't give me a solid reason. He devalued me, calling me selfish and said that he "didn't feel the spark anymore". I was his first serious girlfriend. I know he has insecurity issues, is younger, still wants to live life and not settle down. I wasn't perfect either. I gave him space, didn't beg or plead. He told me recently that he still loves me (and always will) and that he's missed me, but not enough to get back together.

 

The last time we spoke (several months ago) he told me he wanted to date other girls. That conversation went well. We were able to communicate like old times, laugh. I tried to put on a strong front, but it really really hurt when he told me that. I think that was the first time I really accepted that we were done.

 

Now, I find myself in this depressed funk, where I just feel hopeless. I miss him every day (not just having a boyfriend, but him). I dream about him all the time. I cry almost every day and mourn the plans we made that never happened. I try to stay busy; go out with friends, stay occupied, but I'm old enough now (30s) that I'm just feeling like he was it for me.

 

My question is: really, how do you let go of that love for someone? How do you stop thinking about them, dreaming about them, ruminating about the memories? The hurt I feel now is as painful as when he discarded me and never looked back.

[Gulf-Delta]

I don't know. I feel like if it was really strong love, they will always have a piece of your heart. I know my ex will on mine, and I will on hers (regardless if she wants to acknowledge it right now).

[BewitchedandBothered]

I loved my ex more than I've ever loved anyone. He had his issues. I did too. But, I loved him unconditionally. When he broke up with me 8 months ago I was absolutely heartbroken. The end came around the 9 month mark. He broke up with me when things were getting really good, stable, and starting to get serious. He couldn't give me a solid reason. He devalued me, calling me selfish and said that he "didn't feel the spark anymore". I was his first serious girlfriend. I know he has insecurity issues, is younger, still wants to live life and not settle down. I wasn't perfect either. I gave him space, didn't beg or plead. He told me recently that he still loves me (and always will) and that he's missed me, but not enough to get back together.

 

The last time we spoke (several months ago) he told me he wanted to date other girls. That conversation went well. We were able to communicate like old times, laugh. I tried to put on a strong front, but it really really hurt when he told me that. I think that was the first time I really accepted that we were done.

 

Now, I find myself in this depressed funk, where I just feel hopeless. I miss him every day (not just having a boyfriend, but him). I dream about him all the time. I cry almost every day and mourn the plans we made that never happened. I try to stay busy; go out with friends, stay occupied, but I'm old enough now (30s) that I'm just feeling like he was it for me.

 

My question is: really, how do you let go of that love for someone? How do you stop thinking about them, dreaming about them, ruminating about the memories? The hurt I feel now is as painful as when he discarded me and never looked back.

 

It happens when it happens. Right now, it's still kind of fresh; you will analyze until you can't anymore. It will take time and lots of it; you have to allow yourself to heal. He is NOT it for you. He just opened the door for someone more suited to you and you will thank your lucky stars one day that this happen. Anyone who devalues you has no room in your life to begin with.

[Dog Woman]

 

My question is: really, how do you let go of that love for someone? How do you stop thinking about them, dreaming about them, ruminating about the memories? The hurt I feel now is as painful as when he discarded me and never looked back.

 

I don't think you ever forget former boyfriends and loves and time is a great healer.

 

My situation is different to yours and a bit more complicated. I had an affair with a married man which I ended over 10 weeks ago and went NC.

I was coping with that until I bumped into him 3 weeks ago when he told me he was ill and had been diagnosed with an enlarged lymph node and was being fast tracked to hospital for further investigations.

 

After our encounter 3 weeks ago my head was all over the place for about a week. I was gutted at his news but I wasn't sure what to make of the situation. He resumed his contact with me but drip fed me information and I wasn't sure whether he was just trying to reel me back in to his life and playing on the sympathy vote.

 

I decided to leave the communication channel open and let him contact me if he wanted to but I would let him approach me rather than me make contact just in case he was playing games.

 

However further communications from him over the last 10 days have convinced me his illness is genuine and he has intimated that the hospital are checking/treating him for cancer. He's already had further investigations and has a series of hospital appointments to attend over the next few weeks. He is currently signed off work and not feeling very well.

 

He is still married and living with his wife. I am currently separated from my husband and are going through the process of divorce. I began the affair while I was still married but the affair wasn't a factor in my ex husband's and my decision to end the marriage. We had been having issues for years before ex OM came on the scene and we tried to resolve them but just couldnt and we decided it would be best if we both went our separate ways.

 

I just can't get my ex-OM out of my mind and just feel so helpless as there is nothing I can do for him. When he first told me he was ill I told him that I would be thinking of him and I wished him all the best. I fell in love with him. It was hard ending the affair but now that he is ill and it is just so hard to take a back seat and let him get on with things. If exOM was single now, I wouldn't hesitate to be there to support him but ecause he is married, I have got to keep my distance and let his wife and family support him. He has told me he'll be okay and I'm not to worry. We have left it that he can get in touch if he wants to or I asked if it would be okay to get in touch every few weeks just to see how he is doing. He hasn't said no to that.

 

Kansas Chick - Just carry on what you are doing and keep yourself busy and channel your energy into other things. I think in your situation, if he didn't care then it is his loss. If my exOM and I had been single then we would have got together as a couple. We talked often about our relationship and at the end we agreed we both made a mistake of having an affair. It spoiled any friendship we had originally but once we had crossed the barrier both of us were too scared of the consequences to leave our respective partners so we called it a day. I also felt at times that he was just playing emotional games with me which I didn't want and he didn't seem a genuine friend.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Dog Woman
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[Dog Woman]

Kansas Chica - I hope things are getting better for you. Just keep moving forward. I made a mental decision over the weekend about my situation and I decided that the end of last month marked the end of a chapter and the end of affair and that September marked a new chapter. I began my new chapter and went away for the day on my own for a breather and went to a dog show. I thought briefly about my ex OM as that is how we met (we both showed dogs) but I resisted the temptation to text him on the day and instead enjoyed myself and I came home feeling quite refreshed and I felt pleased with myself.

[Mr Scorpio]

My question is: really, how do you let go of that love for someone? How do you stop thinking about them, dreaming about them, ruminating about the memories? The hurt I feel now is as painful as when he discarded me and never looked back.

 

My best guess, because I'm in the same boat as you, is that you have to replace them with someone else and hope your feelings shift to the new person.

[KansasChica]

Good luck Dog Woman! I think it's best to cut him out and move on. I've always been the type of person who had a hard time falling for people. I would usually have to be friends first and an attraction would build over time. That was what happened with my ex and when I fell, I fell hard. I was at a point in my life where (for the first time, really) I was dating someone who I saw a future with and I was truly ready to settle down. When he ended it, I was devastated. All those hopes and dreams I had with him were gone.

 

Now, I realize that when I dream about him (and it's usually every night) he's dating someone else. I finally understood that we both had insecurities. Perhaps his insecurities triggered mine, but in any case, the relationship wasn't healthy. I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge and understanding I have now, but I guess that it wouldn't be life without experiences. I have been taking this time and have really tried to evaluate myself and my actions. Why I helped cause the breakup. I don't think he's been doing the same- blaming me.

 

I'm not sure where my life will lead now. I feel that I've grown apart from many of my friends- a lot of my close friends have now moved away and I've outgrown others. It's definitely a new chapter. I just have to try and keep hope that although everyone's path is different, it's still worthwhile in the end.

[carhill]

how do you let go of that love for someone? How do you stop thinking about them, dreaming about them, ruminating about the memories?

 

If you've had a close loved one die, IME the process is pretty similar. In the case of the ex, it's a figurative death; the death of the relationship and of the love won and lost. Just like with grieving an absolute physical death, one comes to accept it and move on. Personally, I found this process more difficult as a young person but, as mortality creeps up on one, it becomes more evident how brief and precious life is and to make the best of it, in part by accepting circumstances/events one has no control over.

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[kindest]

I think the love never ends, what ends is the relationship (i.e. attachment) to the person.

 

My ex boyfriend from Jan 2011, I know I loved him, and I still do. But the kind of love that I love for him is the love of a friend. I know we are not good together as lovers. Still I wish him well.

 

My most recent ex is another case. I love him and I am still very much attached to him. I miss him every day. Lately I've been dreaming about him, more than the usual. I just miss talking to him, being close to him, feeling safe around him. I wake up with a heavy feeling in my heart, wondering what he is doing or if he is even missing me the way I miss him. I know I asked him to stop contacting me yet it still hurts that we have to part this way. He hurt me so bad yet I miss him and at the bottom of my heart I wish that we were still together.

 

Just last week a friend of mine set me up on a date, and although the guy was cute and had 'potential', I couldn't help but think of my ex. I ended up comparing the new guy to my ex which was unfair but it just means I'm still not over my ex.

[amaysngrace]

It's easy to do. Just think of all the bad crap about them, mostly how badly they treated you and just concentrate on that.

 

Then remind yourself that you deserve better.

[Dog Woman]

Good luck Dog Woman! I think it's best to cut him out and move on.

 

Thank you. That's exactly what I am doing now. Since the weekend I encountered his wife (I responded to a text he sent me on Monday and got a text from his wife who had either checked his phone or was using his phone). She wanted to know who I was. Luckily it wasn't obvious in the text and I said I had sent it to him in error and it was meant for someone else. I just apologised but it seems he hasn't been straight with me and has lied about a few things. So my opinion has changed of him and I want nothing more to do with him. If I think of him now, I think of his negative qualities.