How do "wholesome" people indicate interest in sex?

[newbieatlove]

So, I'm really naive when it comes to love. I had a "boyfriend" when I was in high school, but we never got past innocent kissing. I've never had a real relationship since then, since I used to be deathly afraid of sex and men who would use me for sex. At 25, I'm still a virgin.

 

Recently, I met a guy who I've grown to really like because he's kind and respectful (to everyone, not just to me). I don't normally flirt, I didn't think I knew how to flirt, but we met in a setting where our interaction consists of a lot of teasing and playful comments. Suddenly I found myself thinking of him, waiting for him to show up. I've also fantasized about having sex with him, something I've never done before.

 

I have since discovered that he's married, with kids. I know the right thing to do would be to leave him alone and find someone who's unattached, but I rarely have this kind of connection with a guy, and I have reasons to believe he's starting to feel the same way about me too, and I feel that all we need is to sleep together once so we can get the urge out of our system and resolve our sexual tension.

 

I'm unsure as to how most affairs begin, though. Both of us are too "wholesome" to be overtly sexual with each other. I'm also afraid I might lose his respect if I turn out to be wrong. But the other day, when I found an excuse to call him out of the blue, I felt that he was disappointed that it was to ask him a legitimate question instead of trying to arrange a rendezvous with him. I don't usually like to rely on "feelings," but then again no relationships I know of are based on logical thinking, and I don't want to keep sabotaging my love life by ignoring my intuition.

 

So for those who aren't too comfortable with expressing their sexuality, how do you normally do it?

[thomasb]

"Wholesome" peole have sex too sweetheart. However, "wholesome" people DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MARRIED MEN.

[newbieatlove]

Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but run.Turn away from this guy, delete his number, do not look back. Do not lose your virginity to a married man. Do not let your first romance be to someone who isn't yours.

Life is hard enough without your experiences to be with a guy who even if he loves you madly can break our heart daily.

I'm an other woman and one of the few that will admit to being happy with my partner and I"m cautioning you that this is a HORRIBLE idea.

 

Go find a single guy to develop a relationship with, grow a relationship and when you decide to give the gift of yourself to him, make sure it's one that will cherish what you've only shared with him.

And then... when you feel those sparks, just kiss him or let him kiss you, and run your hands through his hair and pull him closer.

 

The rest should come pretty naturally.

 

I'm not afraid of sex anymore. I don't think my virginity is any more valuable than the rest of me, but I think it'll be nice if the first guy I'm with is someone I have a natural connection with, not a random person I meet on an online dating site in my quest to find "the one".

 

Not that I'm looking for someone to live ever after with. I've spent much of my life thinking about the consequences and being so afraid of making mistakes. What I need now is to live and to experience love, whatever happens afterwards I'll deal.

Edited September 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quote to a deleted post and the response

[newbieatlove]

And no matter what anyone tells you, your first time should mean something, your first ANYTHING should mean something, kiss, date, sex, whatever, it should matter because it's the ONLY time it gets to be your first.

 

The first time I took calculus I failed it. It was a bitch, but life went on. I took it again, and now it's just something I've done and am reasonably good at.

 

Overall I don't really care about what happens the first time around, I care about making progress and being happy with what I have now (in comparison to what I used to have).

[veryhappy]

The way to destroy your life: call him again and tell him you'd like to meet for something that is very visibly unnecessary. You want to check out a new cafe together, or need help to move one piece of furniture, or there's a big spider in your bathroom and you need someone to kill it. If he agrees, than you continue with the sparks and he'll take the initiative.

 

In the meantime, set some money aside for a therapist and stock up on the softest tissues.

[mercy]

The first time I took calculus I failed it. It was a bitch, but life went on. I took it again, and now it's just something I've done and am reasonably good at.

 

Overall I don't really care about what happens the first time around, I care about making progress and being happy with what I have now (in comparison to what I used to have).

 

When giving of oneself, there are no do overs. Your body can't be compared to a math class. I've never had a math class touch the core of my being as a man does when he touches me.

[veryhappy]

newbie, when you meet dress nice, wear something scented like perfume or lotion. He'll get the message. If he doesn't, too bad or good for him.

 

At least you admit what you want, and are not in denial. Chances are you'll et your first experience. The problem will be after that. May want to have an std discussion before you proceed.

Edited September 1, 2012 by cutedragon

[newbieatlove]

When giving of oneself, there are no do overs. Your body can't be compared to a math class. I've never had a math class touch the core of my being as a man does when he touches me.

 

My body does not exist so I can "give" it to someone else, my body exists so I can do what I want with it.

[newbieatlove]

At least you admit what you want, and are not in denial. Chances are you'll et your first experience. The problem will be after that. May want to have an std discussion before you proceed.

 

Don't worry about me, I pass a clinic that offers free STD testing on my way home every day. And if I get pregnant, I can always get an abortion.

[MissBee]

So, I'm really naive when it comes to love. I had a "boyfriend" when I was in high school, but we never got past innocent kissing. I've never had a real relationship since then, since I used to be deathly afraid of sex and men who would use me for sex. At 25, I'm still a virgin.

 

Recently, I met a guy who I've grown to really like because he's kind and respectful (to everyone, not just to me). I don't normally flirt, I didn't think I knew how to flirt, but we met in a setting where our interaction consists of a lot of teasing and playful comments. Suddenly I found myself thinking of him, waiting for him to show up. I've also fantasized about having sex with him, something I've never done before.

 

I have since discovered that he's married, with kids. I know the right thing to do would be to leave him alone and find someone who's unattached, but I rarely have this kind of connection with a guy, and I have reasons to believe he's starting to feel the same way about me too, and I feel that all we need is to sleep together once so we can get the urge out of our system and resolve our sexual tension.

 

I'm unsure as to how most affairs begin, though. Both of us are too "wholesome" to be overtly sexual with each other. I'm also afraid I might lose his respect if I turn out to be wrong. But the other day, when I found an excuse to call him out of the blue, I felt that he was disappointed that it was to ask him a legitimate question instead of trying to arrange a rendezvous with him. I don't usually like to rely on "feelings," but then again no relationships I know of are based on logical thinking, and I don't want to keep sabotaging my love life by ignoring my intuition.

 

So for those who aren't too comfortable with expressing their sexuality, how do you normally do it?

 

I don't think that this will be a case of having sex once and getting the urge out of your system. You say you're naive, so I'll let you know this is a naive line of thinking . You're a virgin, you only had a high school boyfriend, now you like a married man....I don't doubt you have a "connection"...but having had many connections, having had boyfriends, and not being a virgin...I can tell you that all connections aren't created equal and all connections aren't "wholesome". Having sex for the first time can bring up lots of emotions you don't expect...I'm not saying you will necessarily fall inlove or that you need to wait for marriage etc, but I'm saying that when I made the choice to lose my virginity, it wasn't with a man who I was in a relationship with, it was someone I was seeing casually, and it was on the spur of the moment that I thought "why not..let me just do it". I didn't expect to feel any kind of way about it since I was making a choice consciously, I wasn't drunk or anything...yet I did. After the deed was done I felt like I "gave it away" to someone who didn't care about me and I found myself feeling incredibly upset about it. I did eventually get over it...but for a few weeks I found that I kept trying to make the relationship with this guy more than it was, because of these unexpected emotions.

 

That said...my 2 cents is that sex, especially your first time comes with emotions and is a big deal. If you already feel "connected", then it won't be a one time, NSA type thing. Chances are you will want more and I don't mean just more sex, but more everything, a relationship, etc. and chances are he won't be able to offer you that.My 2 cents is also that, your move to learn how to seduce this married guy is going to be something that leads to sabotaging your love life, versus helping it.

 

You ever thought about why you were so afraid of sex and so afraid a man would use you for sex? I don't think this is really the average line of thinking. That stuck out to me as something strange, then going from that to the only person you've connected with is a married man who you want to take that plunge with just strikes me as odd. You should look into this.

[newbieatlove]

I don't think that this will be a case of having sex once and getting the urge out of your system. You say you're naive, so I'll let you know this is a naive line of thinking . You're a virgin, you only had a high school boyfriend, now you like a married man....I don't doubt you have a "connection"...but having had many connections, having had boyfriends, and not being a virgin...I can tell you that all connections aren't created equal and all connections aren't "wholesome". Having sex for the first time can bring up lots of emotions you don't expect...I'm not saying you will necessarily fall inlove or that you need to wait for marriage etc, but I'm saying that when I made the choice to lose my virginity, it wasn't with a man who I was in a relationship with, it was someone I was seeing casually, and it was on the spur of the moment that I thought "why not..let me just do it". I didn't expect to feel any kind of way about it since I was making a choice consciously, I wasn't drunk or anything...yet I did. After the deed was done I felt like I "gave it away" to someone who didn't care about me and I found myself feeling incredibly upset about it. I did eventually get over it...but for a few weeks I found that I kept trying to make the relationship with this guy more than it was, because of these unexpected emotions.

 

That said...my 2 cents is that sex, especially your first time comes with emotions and is a big deal. If you already feel "connected", then it won't be a one time, NSA type thing. Chances are you will want more and I don't mean just more sex, but more everything, a relationship, etc. and chances are he won't be able to offer you that.My 2 cents is also that, your move to learn how to seduce this married guy is going to be something that leads to sabotaging your love life, versus helping it.

 

You ever thought about why you were so afraid of sex and so afraid a man would use you for sex? I don't think this is really the average line of thinking. That stuck out to me as something strange, then going from that to the only person you've connected with is a married man who you want to take that plunge with just strikes me as odd. You should look into this.

 

Thanks! This is the kind of advice I was looking for. I did not appreciate all the sarcasm and self-righteous posts I received before yours.

[MissBee]

Thanks! This is the kind of advice I was looking for. I did not appreciate all the sarcasm and self-righteous posts I received before yours.

 

I didn't really read the other posts that way to be honest ...but you're welcome.

 

I think it's great that you want to use your intuition to learn about the interaction between men and women, flirting, sex etc. but I think it's best practiced on single guys. I think this was the gist of LFH's advice. It's like when you're learning anything for the first time, you start with the easiest, less complicated scenarios then work your way up, right? You start in the shallow end of the swimming pool, then you go into the deep end. You ride a tricycle before a bike, "training bra" before real brassiere LOL . This is no different. You have a lot of firsts here and I think it is just a lot more complicated and has more potential to be overwhelming and hurtful if you make your first time this particular kind of situation. In my experience, it can be a complicated, confusing, emotional experience in and of itself, furthermore adding this to it.

 

As for flirting and intimacy with a man, for me, I felt like it came naturally. My first date was when I was 13 and I was terriiiiiifieeed! Didn't know how to act, was so scared he'd try to kiss me, it was very awkward, but it should have been, I was a kid! Ever since then though, I can say I just naturally knew how to flirt and things came naturally. I learned to pick up on when a man is checking me out or is attracted to me and admittedly, when I was younger, I got a thrill out of getting a rise (no pun intended) out of men who were off limits. But with time...the more men I interacted with, dates I went on etc, the more I became comfortable in my own skin and kind of formed my own identity as a sexual being. I think that's important for you and you should branch out and date more. You don't need to have sex with a random online guy, but if you online date or you go out to other places and meet men, simply practice flirting, practicing reading signs and cues etc. That's it. No need to give up the goods until you feel like he's a guy you want to do that with. I'm not a virgin, so that ice is already broken and sex isn't scary to me lol; yet, I still value who I share myself with and I have dated many men, maybe kissed and touched but I can count how many I've gone all the way with. I had/still have LOTS of chances to practice flirting, being sexual etc without going all the way with every Tom, Dick and Harry. You should too!

 

Question: do you feel like you just want to "do it already"? And be done? If so, I can relate to that feeling, but I also did it and had some regrets.

Edited September 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to off topic discussion previously deleted

[whichwayisup]

I've never had a real relationship since then, since I used to be deathly afraid of sex and men who would use me for sex. At 25, I'm still a virgin.

 

I have since discovered that he's married, with kids. I know the right thing to do would be to leave him alone and find someone who's unattached, but I rarely have this kind of connection with a guy, and I have reasons to believe he's starting to feel the same way about me too, and I feel that all we need is to sleep together once so we can get the urge out of our system and resolve our sexual tension.

 

You don't want a MM to be your first. He is going to break your heart, even if you have great sex and he is loving to you in bed, out of bed.. This guy is married with a family already. As sexually attracted as you are to him, don't chase him and if he chases you, say no. Having sex once to relieve sexual tension won't work .. You'll want him more and it'll mess you up.

 

Re-read your above 1st paragraph. A MM can't give you all that you need. If you fall in love with him? What do you think he'll do? Leave his wife and be with you? Are you ready and prepared at age 25 to be a step mom to his children? Or are you just looking for something casual and short term?

 

I figure you want a man who will love you, treat you well, respect you and ONLY love you. Not a man who will go home to his wife after making love to you. Not a man who can't make committments to you. He isn't one you can bring home and introduce to your family and friends..

 

Really think about this and don't rely on emotions and your heart. Take a step back and try to be objective about this.

[newbieatlove]

Re-read your above 1st paragraph. A MM can't give you all that you need. If you fall in love with him? What do you think he'll do? Leave his wife and be with you? Are you ready and prepared at age 25 to be a step mom to his children? Or are you just looking for something casual and short term?

 

I don't expect him to leave his family for me, I don't even want his wife to find out, I like him too much to want to be the reason he gets divorced and becomes miserable. But this is also the first time I like someone so much I feel that whatever he asks me to do I will be willing to do it, and it's all right because I know for a fact that he's not an ill-intentioned jerk. I feel like I finally understand all those feelings that the typical teenage girl has when she's in love, feelings that I used to only scoff at because I was so sure all guys wanted was sex and only stupid girls would give "it" up in the name of love.

 

With any other man I will be suspicious of his motives still (which is why I've learned to separate sex from love), but I have a reasonable belief that he's not the type of person who would use anyone for anything. Which is exactly why I'm hesitant to make a move, because even if he's as attracted to me as I am to him I don't think he'll ever act on his desire out of consideration for his wife and kids.

Edited September 1, 2012 by newbieatlove

[veryhappy]

The point isn't to find out that you've got an std once you've already gotten it, the point is prevention (to know if he's carrying anything). If you haven't been sexually active, you are not carrying anything.

 

If he's up for it, you are from the land of dreams. A virgin when his life is probably so boring...no porn can top that. Keep us posted about how you'll be able to walk away once you have sex.

Edited September 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to off topic discussion deleted by moderators prior

[Leelou]

Hi Newbie, you should read the above poster's thread at: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/338823-what-does-he-want-me

 

... because your case is Just Like Hers! Omg, I thought it WAS you -- you and her, the SAME poster!

[UpwardForward]

Newbie, A few definitions of wholesome would be conductive good health, physical well being, moral well being..

 

Adverse thoughts (the mind) lust, etc. can lead a person to following through w possible destruction of this cherished well being.

 

Wait for the right person and in Marriage so you don't have to sacrifice yourself and a potential unborn child.

Edited September 1, 2012 by UpwardForward

[Ellin]

Don't worry about me, I pass a clinic that offers free STD testing on my way home every day. And if I get pregnant, I can always get an abortion.

 

I hope this is a joke albeit a strange one.

[ThatJustHappened]

Smells like troll in here...

[Sauron]

Just tell him your really into him, you are a virgin, you don't care that he is married and you feel a connection with him you never felt with anyone, you never expect anything other than a sexual reltionship, that you will keep discetion a top priority, you will not get pregnant , you will never ask him to leave his wife, and that you want to learn all you can from him. If that doesn't do it he will never be avalable to you, and when he is an older man he will be kicking himself for not taking you up on the offer.