How do you become non-dependent when I depend so much on him

[lexnmike4enomore]

I know that i shouldn't have let this happen, but considering what happened to me....how can i not. Ill start here.

My father died, my mother had to move in with her mother on a different state and she left me and my brother to figure out where we were going to live. I stayed with a friend and he stayed with my grandfather.

About 2 months before all this happened, i met a guy and we hit it off. So he was there for me when all this happened.

I moved in with my friend her sister and her mom. The family is a little different that traditional. Mother let both kids drop out of HS at 15. No father. etc.

So after living there 6 month, my friends sister steels $300 from me. She's only 16 so there wasn't much i could do about it. So of course i couldn't stay there anymore so my BF's parents let me move in with them. So i lived with my BF for a year and we bought a house. Now we have this house (in his name b/c were not married yet) but i help with bills and cleaning and all that "house wife" stuff.

Recently i have been rather unhappy with him. I notice that he talks to me with no respect. He puts me down and when i try to fight back he brings up "My parents let you live in there house for free" "You barely give me money to live here" So its like he thinks he can talk to me the way he does b/c he did all those things for me. He did ALOT more for me too. He gave me the down payment on my car and co-signed for me. He does so much for me i cant even begin to thank him. So i guess he thinks i owe him my life and he can speak to me like that.

The other day we were eating dinner and i said i needed to go to the MAC and get money and he gave me the third degree (he thinks ALL my extra money should go to him) I told him i needed it when i went away that weekend and i started yelling and saying Its my money i can do what i want with it. Then all of a sudden it went into I'm selfish and i get stuff handed to me on a silver platter. Thats where it ended b/c i Disagreed with why he was questioning me. We broke up once and he became VERY vindictive. He said that it was his car/c he signed. The cell phone is under his name and took that when we split. I am do Dependant on him, i wouldn't be able to live without him. I have no other place to live. I have my mom in a different state, but my career is here. What can i say to him that would make him realize the way he talks to me. He always threatens me by throwing me out. Every time i open my mouth and disagree with him. "well you can think like that in the street" Do you think he talks like this to me b/c he knows i have no other place to go? I do love him. I mean the times that he's not putting me down. But i would leave him but i have nothing with out him. NOTHING, a car a cell phone a PLACE TO LIVE.

[Gianna]

Originally posted by lexnmike4e

I know that i shouldn't have let this happen, but considering what happened to me....how can i not. Ill start here.

My father died, my mother had to move in with her mother on a different state and she left me and my brother to figure out where we were going to live. I stayed with a friend and he stayed with my grandfather.

About 2 months before all this happened, i met a guy and we hit it off. So he was there for me when all this happened.

I moved in with my friend her sister and her mom. The family is a little different that traditional. Mother let both kids drop out of HS at 15. No father. etc.

So after living there 6 month, my friends sister steels $300 from me. She's only 16 so there wasn't much i could do about it. So of course i couldn't stay there anymore so my BF's parents let me move in with them. So i lived with my BF for a year and we bought a house. Now we have this house (in his name b/c were not married yet) but i help with bills and cleaning and all that "house wife" stuff.

Recently i have been rather unhappy with him. I notice that he talks to me with no respect. He puts me down and when i try to fight back he brings up "My parents let you live in there house for free" "You barely give me money to live here" So its like he thinks he can talk to me the way he does b/c he did all those things for me. He did ALOT more for me too. He gave me the down payment on my car and co-signed for me. He does so much for me i cant even begin to thank him. So i guess he thinks i owe him my life and he can speak to me like that.

The other day we were eating dinner and i said i needed to go to the MAC and get money and he gave me the third degree (he thinks ALL my extra money should go to him) I told him i needed it when i went away that weekend and i started yelling and saying Its my money i can do what i want with it. Then all of a sudden it went into I'm selfish and i get stuff handed to me on a silver platter. Thats where it ended b/c i Disagreed with why he was questioning me. We broke up once and he became VERY vindictive. He said that it was his car/c he signed. The cell phone is under his name and took that when we split. I am do Dependant on him, i wouldn't be able to live without him. I have no other place to live. I have my mom in a different state, but my career is here. What can i say to him that would make him realize the way he talks to me. He always threatens me by throwing me out. Every time i open my mouth and disagree with him. "well you can think like that in the street" Do you think he talks like this to me b/c he knows i have no other place to go? I do love him. I mean the times that he's not putting me down. But i would leave him but i have nothing with out him. NOTHING, a car a cell phone a PLACE TO LIVE.

 

He must of really got to your head. Everyone goes through hard times in life. Just so you know, I lost my dad when I was younger also. I was left with a mother who had to raise 2 kids by herself so I didn' have daddy handing me things either. Your never gonna be able to change the way he talks to you. I dont know how old you are, but it sounds like you need to get your crap together and take care of yourself. If you have a career like you say, it shouldn't be a problem. I busted my butt to get where I'm at. I bartended as I went to beauty school during the day. I have never depended on anyone, and now I work in a salon making 100 grand a year, with a awsome car and condo, and I did it without a man.

 

You cant live with a man who treats you like he does. He should be helping motivate you to make your life better, then make it harder. If I were you I would do what I had to do to live on my own. Even if it ment having 2 jobs, or driving a crappy car, because it won't be like that forever if you set goals for yourself. What also helps me, is when I feel depressed about that kind of stuff, I think of strong famous women who made it themselves and dont put up with anything. Do you think someone like angelina Jolie, or Madonna would be sitting here right now saying "Well even though he talks to me like a piece of crap, I love him." "He just knows I have no where to go" GOD NO! Not for a second, and they are no different from you or I. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, do something about the situation, and lose the dude(He sounds like a loser to me)

[Tatiana82]

It's not a matter of "he has a right to speak to me like that," sweetie, no one deserves to be talked down upon like that, however, it could be that he might just be frustrated and I think it might do both of you some good to talk through all these things. I don't think you are stupid for feeling so dependant on him, no one can truly control how they feel or react to things in thier lives, it's just how things happen. I haven't had the best luck with life either, how I deal with it is by trying to be as strong as I can be when rough situations come around. I feel that if I can't take care of myself, who will? I think you could really benefit from focusing some time on yourself. It is neither right nor wrong that you have become dependant on him, however, becoming dependant on someone will most likely always lead you to situations like this. Have you ever considered, with your career and everything, that you could possibly support yourself (apartment-wise and such)? I think you might surprise yourself if you take a shot at standing on your own two feet.

[Fayebelle]

Do you have someone you could stay w/for a week or 2? You can live w/out a cel phone...who's name is on the car? He has no right to talk to you like that and if you move out for a bit then he can see what he's missing by acting like your Dad and not your equal and you can see what it's like to NOT be talked down to everyday.

 

This is a sticky situation and I wish you the best.

[lexnmike4enomore]

The car is in my name. He thinks that its his b/c i wouldn't have gotten it with out him co-signing. Thanks for the advice guys. Its a lot easier said than done. I do love him....but i just wish i can get through to him and let him realize the way he talks to me. I try paying attention and talking to him the same way and i get a new a**h*** reamed and i say "well thats exactly how you talk to me" and he swears up and down that he doesn't. Guess i cant win.

[Fayebelle]

Things are always harder on the inside.

 

Don't lower yourself to respond in his tones...that won't get you anywhere. They say you catch more flies w/honey than vinegar so try being super sweet when he's being a major ass- then when he flips you can innocently ask if he's having a bad day b/c he's so grouchy and you OBVIOUSLY haven't done anything wrong.

 

Some people are really bad about that- taking out frustrations w/other probs on their SO. Maybe that's his deal.

[miz_barby]

Maybe you should start contributing MORE money to the household, make sure he realizes *w/out throwing it in his face* that you are doing all you CAN do financially and try to give him some extra here and there to show him you DO appreciate things he has done for you, maybe he feels you are very selfish because you should be contributing 50% (if you're not I mean).

 

If he keeps talking down to you then think about getting a different car in YOUR name if YOU have been making the payments then YOU should have the credit to do so. No one has a right to hold anything over your head but maybe you should take a look at how you show your gratitude! Where would you have been without him and then you say things like this:

 

i started yelling and saying Its my money i can do what i want with it. Then all of a sudden it went into I'm selfish and i get stuff handed to me on a silver platter

 

That sounds selfish to me too, he helped you so much and you yell at him, you should tell him you need to keep some money back for whatever but that you will help out as much as you can. Don't seem so ungrateful! Yikes if someone treated me like this I would kick them out, tell them to remove my name from the car or take it back to the dealer and have them get a car with ONLY their name on it or have them pay me back for the money I put in it so they could on about their merry selfish way (not you necessarily just someone who didn't want to help 50% once they are on their feet).

 

Anyway good luck and I hope it works out for you!

[lexnmike4enomore]

Originally posted by miz_barby

Maybe you should start contributing MORE money to the household, make sure he realizes *w/out throwing it in his face* that you are doing all you CAN do financially and try to give him some extra here and there to show him you DO appreciate things he has done for you

The thing is...i do give him all that i can...but its not good enough for him. He said for me not to pay my car insurance bill b/c he comes first.

 

If i don't pay my car insurance i wont have a car to go to both jobs and give him his money.

 

 

 

If he keeps talking down to you then think about getting a different car in YOUR name if YOU have been making the payments then YOU should have the credit to do so.

My Mother used my SS# to get some stuff and F***ed me. So i have bad credit to begin with.

 

 

He also dosen't take into the consideration the $5,200 my grandparents gave him to put down on the house we live in. He said" Thats the least you can do"

He only gave me $1,500 to put down on the car. With out that money he wouldn't have been able to get the house.

 

you should tell him you need to keep some money back for whatever but that you will help out as much as you can

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO KEEP MONEY FOR MYSELF! IT OK for him to ask if i can pick him up something to eat...but if i come home with McDonald's.......i get yelled at b/c that money should have went to him.

 

I don't have the job that he does. I make 75% less than he does and he expects me to put in the same that he does. Nothing is ever good enough for him and i think he talks to me like that is b/c he knows I'm cant go any where else.

[SHHHHHH]

I would say LEAVE HIM.... but it is so easy just to say it then doing it....

 

I know how you feel, I was there but after I told my husband that I wanted to leave him & move out even if it had to be in a room to rent, I was going to do it.....

 

As soon as he saw my boxes, he was crying to me not to leave..... now he never talks 'bout money because now we say who pays for what.....

 

he pays the rent & I pay the extra things like food, phone bill... things like that & it does add up.

 

that is how we get a long & also TALKING really works a lot at least for me cause you know what is on there mind....

 

WISH YOU GOOD LUCK working it out with your husband!!!

[redtee40]

[To start with dear L ......... How old are you and how long has this been going on in your life ?????????do you have any kids >>>>>>>>what your going through sounds a lot like what my life is like .................

 

8&half years ago i met this guy who just wanted too be helpfull to girls having life troubles soooohe could ad them to his list girls who needed him(he's was a redneck from FL me a girl in calif with two little kids ameth problem in a bad relationship packin to move out on my 2nd marriage ........ met this guy followed

him around for a year lived in motels other peoples garages,allthe while useing

my wellfare $$ to pay our drug habit and try too feed my kids........

 

Iwas not paying attention to the signs .........

 

6mo's of doing this and hateing what being shown too my kids and worried about

losing them ......... and starting to fight alot with him .

I started looking for a place i could afford by my self on wellfare (thats not easy)

getting scared that i could not do it i started seeing my ex again ...........

the boy friend thinking he was gonna lose my money asked me too marry him

me thinking he was sincere said yes.

 

we found a place together .... thats when things started to get rough me thinking things are going to be alright got comfortable still he was not working (oh bye the way he is a union iron worker with journyman level

so i bitched a little .......ok a lot i was trying to get clean .

things heated up one day and he started getting mad at the things i was saying witch were pretty bad ..........I dont remember what was said but i remember it was bad enough to make me slap him in the face then it came he hit me so hard i had a black eye for 2 monthes .

that had never happend to me before so i fought back and through him out

 

to make it a little shorter he moved back to FL

 

but a month later i called him and begged to to come to fl me and my kids

we got here

in july of 1995 or 96 i can't remember........

his dad rented us a nice 3bdrm trailer avd he was back to work ........again i was comffy.

but he came home wasted every nite getting meaner and meaner

hitting on me sleeping around . basicley it sucked the kids and i had no body no where to go scared to death he's famley was no help the cops were no help

went too a few shelters but that was so hard on my kids ............. sent he to jail for 15 mo's .......but still stayed with him mean while it's now 1999 wow.

he came home things got a lot better for a long time he quite drinking

we got our own plce

got one kid graduated the other one is a senior with A's

 

great huh but what i was trying to get at is you don't need to rely on a man

your young get tough hide away little bits of money here and there and gat out before things get really hard you can do this on your own

woman do it all the time ....................

 

and babe if you do have kids thats even more reason to get out trust me ..........

theres a lot more to my story more then we have time for take care ..............

 

and trust in your self

 

REDTEE40

[lexnmike4enomore]

Im 21....ive been with him for 3 years and we have no kids. We planned on getting married but that was before we got a house and all those things.....im not so sure i want to live the rest of my life like this.

[CurlyIam]

Do you know how much you owe him? Are you living on his money? Who's paying whate in that house?

 

He is using the advantage of having helped you out. So what you can do is to make lists. Keep receipts and track of how much you owe him. MAke a plan to return him the money. Set a time frame and a certain amount of money so that you can still have some money for yourself.

 

 

The key word in your relationship is CONTROLL. HE controlls you and he dominates you. He has some advantages but you yourself are making things quite easy for him. First step to snap out of it is to see where you are. I mean if it goes on like this, it will never end. You'll never be even because he helped you when you needed help. that's nice, but that's what friends do, you know !!!!!

 

Start by gathering information and see where you are....

 

Lots of luck!!!

 

 

Curly