An Alcoholic / Suicidal Mother.

[Metronomy]

Hello all,

 

I have an alcoholic mother whose repetitive behaviour has left me at a bit of a loss as to how best to deal with it and with her.

 

I'm 27 now and my mother's drinking has been an issue for about 10 years. After an otherwise happy childhood and upbringing she started to develop issues with her drinking when I was about 18. As I was relatively independent at this age and spent a lot of time away from home anyway - it didn't impact me hugely at the time. She would occasionally say hurtful things to me - Usually when I asked or accused her of being drunk, but otherwise she seemed okay. She would still go to work each day, pay the mortgage and lived a more or less happy life.

 

In the last few years she has hit rock bottom. Although I knew her drinking as an issue, I managed to avoid it for the most part. My brother and I would try and ignore it when we would go to her place for dinner and try to leave before she had had too much to drink. At one point she confided that she thought it was becoming an issue and I tried to encourage her to seek some counseling as I think there are underlying emotional issues which contribute to her drinking. Loneliness being one of them.

 

Two years ago I received a call from my Uncle to say that he had discovered my mother unconscious in her car. She had run a vacuum cleaner hose from the exhaust through the window and left the car running in an attempt to kill herself. Had he found her even five minutes later she wouldn't be alive. We discovered she had been drinking from 8am that morning and had done it as a 'spur of the moment' thing while she was drunk - rather than in being premeditated. It was a bit of a 'rock bottom' moment for her and led to some great changes. I got her into a live-in detox centre where she became sober and engaged in some counseling and learnt some good coping skills. I took many weeks of work myself to get her back on track and into a good place mentally. I found her a lovely new home to move into and thought she was in a good place.

 

Basically, in the last two years she has ended up in hospital from a failed suicide attempt twice more, has tried taking antabuse to break the drinking habit, she has gotten a fantastic and challenging job to keep her occupied, tried counseling again but is constantly relapsing. It seems to be two months off drinking and slowly it escalates from 'just a drink on special occasions' to having a full fledged meltdown and needing intervention. The main issue at hand being that although not suicidal in the slightest when she's sober - After enough alcohol she starts threatening it. I feel as though it has taken a huge toll on me emotionally and caused me huge stress and anxiety. I am the only one in the family really stepping up to help her and it's taken it's toll, I find myself feeling as though I haven't done enough to help or or that I've failed somehow.

 

I've suspected she's been drinking over the last few weeks but whenever I kindly and subtly ask her she tells me she hasn't touched a drop - even though her lies are so very obvious. Unfortunately she has just this morning told me that she drove while drunk in the middle of the day yesterday, crashing into a parked car and writing off both her car and the parked car. Luckily no-one was hurt, but the police were called and she heavily failed the breath test and has now lost her license and incurred thousands of dollars in damage.

 

I don't know what to do next. I feel so angry and disappointed that all my hard work and input over the years hasn't changed anything - I know that it wont unless she wants to give up drinking herself... but would me giving up on trying to help her and instead having some space from her make things worse? I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

Any suggestions would really, really be appreciated!

 

Thanks so much.

[bluegreen]

Just wanted to tell you that if no one answered it does not mean no ones cares

I among all of us am just without clue how to say right thing or even what right thing was and is poor thing I have yet to read something so awful here.

HUGS

 

 

OK let me try have you tried calling police and reporting a matter who has her power of attorney papers did you tried calling local psych hospital am sure each of these things breaks your heart again and again but you have to do them or someone else will pay another life will be lost.

 

She has to be committed and treated if its possible have a friend over to hold your hand and start dialing you are her daughter and you have all the rights in a world to do this and if she is religious and you can't get a nerve to do it then talk to her pastor or physician you must know who they are either one of them will help you do it.

 

 

 

Am holding you in my thought's and prayers

[bluegreen]

BABE YOU DID NOT FAIL HER

She is failing herself and you can't make her or force her to change she will do it if she wants to but she does not as for the rest of the family shame on them

You are doing all you can now it might be time to seek "permanent" place for he

 

YOU ARE GOOD PERSON better daughter then she in her selfishness deserves

Don't doubt that please I know you are going insane with hurt and stress but at least don't doubt yourself or think Ill of yourself you have no reason to.

 

 

 

 

People lets gather our heads and prayers here this young lady needs them and deserves them !!!

[amaysngrace]

Sometimes you have to let go as difficult as that may seem.

 

Yes she is your mother and she gave you life but it's your life to live. That isn't being selfish because you have invested so much of your time, energy and love into a situation that you can't change.

 

I would tell her that you can't be doing this for her anymore. I wouldn't just drop out of her life without warning but I would make her aware that you will not be available to her if she refuses to help herself.

 

I would tell her you love her and want her to be well but seeing her sick is causing you too much worry and you can't do it anymore.

 

I know it's a tough spot that you're in but putting all this concern into her situation doesn't seem to be working so maybe it's time to try something new?

[Emilia]

Is there a way to get her to rehab/mental hospital OP? She needs professional help. She needs to see a doctor and get admitted even sectioned perhaps.

[TaraMaiden]

This is going to hurt you and I really don't want it to, or mean it to, but -

 

SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

 

Your mother? Yes.

Your responsibility? No.

 

My H. had precisely the same situation. And he had to walk away.

She ultimately killed herself through alcoholism.

And it was her birthday the other day. He is filled with nostalgia, and a yearning for the mother she should have been, but never was; he misses the mother he wanted, dreadfully, but he doesn't miss the self-destructive persistent alcoholic that she was.

 

Tied by emotion to her as you are, it's impossible to see the edges, but this is something she has chosen to do.

Read that again.

It's her choice.

 

The right thing to do, is to tell her that she has once again, created a huge mess for herself, and that you cannot be there to bail her out, support, aid, and enable her to continue doing the same.

The more we help those who will not be helped, the more we become helpless ourselves.

It feels cruel, heartless and frankly, unnatural. But you have to walk away, completely, from this one.

 

To feed her addiction - to complete dependency on everything outside of herself - is both cruel, and fruitless.

It's a thankless task, because it's just like pouring water into an empty flowerpot hoping something will grow from it....

 

She will always be your mother.

You don't have to carry her burden and make it yours.

because that's what she's always done.

Put the problem 'out there' and everyone has always picked it up.

 

You have to let it go.

 

It's sad, but it's the only way you'll ever stay sane.

[peppermintpaddy]

@MetRONOMY-lAcoholics are jekll and hyde characters,the nicest sweetest people when sober ,and the worst lying,cheating no good s-o-b'S when theyre drinking......dealing with a drinking alcoholic/addict is unbelieveably difficult.I feel sorry for you.

I'm now 22+ years clean and sober.I did it with AA.In AA they don't try and drink socially-they believe in total abstinence from alcohol-on a daily basis.By the sound of it,your mother is still trying to drink socially,by having "just one drink".Alcoholics can't do that,once they have one drink,it triggers a compulsion to keep on drinking until theyre completely drunk.

She actually needs to get into rehab for several weeks,there she will encounter therapy and counselling ,and also AA.There she will meet many people who were once in exactly the same boat as she was in,and now lead productive,happy booze free lives.

YOU also need help....your life has been traumatic with the stress youve had to go thru with your mother.Please get in touch with AL-Anon,it helps people who have to live with/deal with alcoholic partners or family members.There will be an al-anaon group somewhere near you.Any questions,feel free to PM me.

[peppermintpaddy]

 

 

It's her choice.

 

The right thing to do, is to tell her that she has once again, created a huge mess for herself, and that you cannot be there to bail her out, support, aid, and enable her to continue doing the same.

The more we help those who will not be helped, the more we become helpless ourselves.

It feels cruel, heartless and frankly, unnatural. But you have to walk away, completely, from this one.

 

To feed her addiction - to complete dependency on everything outside of herself - is both cruel, and fruitless.

 

 

The thing is...once she's taken a drink-she has no choice,the compulsion to drink takes over,and she loses all choice in the matter.

 

The trick is with an alcoholic,is getting them to stay away from one drink,one day at a time.(whisper this)Alcoholism is a mental illness,thats why its treated in Mental Hospitals.

 

Her mother is not a bad person,she's a sick person.With the right treatment ,she can recover,like I have.

 

In general, Youre right in the respect one should never enable an alcoholic,it stops them hitting rock bottom,but in this case with suicide attempts and threats,her mother needs support.

[snug.bunny]

Rehab and outpatient care, it's the only way... This happened to someone very close to me (not alcohol related, opiate and benzodiazepine dependence with underlying medical conditions). I will be the first to say, it was hell.

 

What helped me manage and cope, while trying to get this person the best care, the right care, was (a) the love I have for this person; (b) my sister who has been my pillar; © my friends and family and strangers even, and their kind help; (d) a lot of research and discussions with doctors and other people who have gone through it and (e) a daily reminder that ---> There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

 

That became my focal point each and every day for this person. I am happy to report they've done a COMPLETE turnaround, it wasn't overnight, but we are blessed and fortunate to have gotten through it and how much difference, not having that "dependency" any longer has made.

 

Have you tried Al Anon at all? Believe me, you're going to need all the help and support you can get, for yourself and your mother. You won't be any good to her otherwise in terms of helping her, if you're not helping yourself in the process.

Edited September 3, 2012 by snug.bunny

[UpwardForward]

She seems to have chosen destruction w her alcoholism and esp suicide attempts.

 

IMO, we should be there (for support) for our parents. But I wouldn't stress myself that she didn't change when you tried to help her - or that she won't change.

 

Just be there for her and her requests.

[wow04]

I agree with PeppermintPaddy on this. I also have gotten sober with AA. An alcoholic is unable to drink socially. Once that first drink is taken, it is over. You can't control how much you drink.

 

OP you need to get into Alanon and they will teach you a healthy way to deal with your mother.

[peterr88]

She needs professional help. She needs to see a doctor and get admitted even sectioned perhaps.

[Metronomy]

Thanks so much for all the replies and my apologies for the delay in updating/replying.

 

There were some really helpful and inspiring comments - thank you!

 

Since I posted initially I have distanced myself from my Mother. Not with any malice or have I in any way 'abandoned' her, but I haven't initiated contact with her and have been minimal in my responses to her text messages.

 

I know she is hurting with the distance between us as we have always been so close, but I can also tell from her text messages that she doesn't truly understand where I am coming from or the hurt that I feel and instead just misses me as the crutch I have always been to her.

 

She sends me texts like 'Are you really not talking to me? That's unfair and putting conditions on our relationship. I don't do 'conditional' relationships' - when I read things like that I see so clearly that she doesn't understand the pain she's caused. I feel like saying 'Yeah and I don't try and kill myself because I'm annoyed at my boyfriend and in the process drag my children through hell'.

 

It's been SO tough sticking to not talking with her, but liberating in many ways too. In fact, I get a feeling of dread when I see a text come in from her - Is it going to be an abusive text sent while drunk? - Is she going to be drunk and threatening to kill herself because I've stopped supporting her? ALl those thoughts run through my mind.

 

I had another message from her tonight saying 'I understand you need your space but don't expect me to play happy families at Christmas just because you feel like it then' - As if I'm just pretending to be cross with her or something?! Christmas is the LAST thing I'm thinking about... I just think she has no clue at all that I need this space ti stay sane - I don't have the emotional resources to give her the support she asks of me while keeping my own head above water... Sigh!