Loving An Older Man And Dont Know What To Do

[crazy_rikan]

IM ONLY 16 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS 37 YEARS OLD. WE HAVE A LONG DISTANCE FRIENDSHIP, WE ONLY TALK ON THE PHONE AND IN THE INTERNET. WE ARE VERY CLOSED BUT WE HAVE NEVER SEEN EACHOTHER IN PERSON. WE HAVE A SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP. HE TELLS ME ABOUT LIFE AND IF I HAVE A PROBLEM HE IS THERE FOR ME AND TRIES TO HELP ME OUT. HE DOES CARES ABOUT ME AND HE HAVE PROVED IT TO ME. BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED FEELINGS FOR HIM AND I HAVE MENTIONED IT TO HIM AND I KNOW THAT HE DOES FEELS SOMETHING TOO. BUT HE DOESNT SAYS IT CUZ HE IS THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT DONT EXPRESS FEELING LIKE THAT.

 

ANYWAYS I TOLD HIM THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM CUZ I LOVE HIM, AND I REALLY DO. I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE IT. BUT HE TELLS ME THAT WE CAN ONLY BE CLOSE FRIENDS TILL IN DONE WITH SCHOOL AND THEN WE CAN DECIDED WHAT TO DO IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE JUST WANT ME TO DO SCHOOL FIRST BEFORE ANYTHING. BUT SOMETIMES I JUST FEELS THAT HE ACTS A LITTLE DIFFERENT WITH ME. AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS I GET WORRIED. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. OFCOURSE I DO FEEL WEIRD CUZ I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE. I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF I HEAR WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT IT. HELP !

[sami]

You are way very young for any intimate relationship with any body now. You are still young and you need to focus on your school. Leave that man alone.

[faux]

To me, it seems wrong for a thirty seven year old man to have that type of relationship with a sixteen year-old girl. If he was a close family friend, sure. If he was a neighbor, sure. The fact that he has "feelings" for you is just, to me, absolutely incorrect.

 

Please don't invest any more of your "feelings" into this man. At your point in life, the age difference is not only too wide apart, but extremely illegal. Were he to kiss you, in a few states, he could be charged with a felony crime. A person who is 18 years of age or older can NOT be with any person under the age of 18, and I do not believe should be associating with persons under the age of 18.

 

I advise you to get out of the situation completely.

[crazy_rikan]

I want to get straight that we do NOT have sex or anything like that. Just a reminder that we DONT have any physical contact at all. He doesnt even lives in the US. And the laws over there are kinda diferent than here. He does NOT want to do ANYTHING with me untill I finish school and get a life of my own, thats one of the things that he said very clearly to me. And I agree to that cuz my future its first. I got no problem with that at all.

 

I tried to get out of the relationship earlier cuz, yes, a side of me feels that its wrong. But we are too attached to eachother. Whenever I dont talk to him, I feel lost, its like I cant breath without him. It might seem or be a "platonic love" but I have feelings for him and so does him for me. And one thing that its true, you have no control over your feelings and you cant tell your heart what to do. You cant also choose who you love.

 

I have always been a mature person, thats why we have a lot in comon, we can relate and talk about many things for many hours. I know him since December and our relationship has been great, we have worked out many problems together. He tried his best to make me happy and he does make me very happy.

 

But lately I have been feeling weird and confused. He has noticed a big strange change in my attitude and the way I treat him. He worries a lot about me and he asks me "whats wrong?" but I dont know how to express what Im feeling now. I know that you guys are right about the age/laws thing. But he is also a human being and he got feeling as a person and I dont think its right to leave a person "Just beacuse". You know what Im saying?

[clia]

Did you meet him online?

 

But he is also a human being and he got feeling as a person and I dont think its right to leave a person "Just beacuse". You know what Im saying?

 

I know what you're saying, but don't you find it a little...creepy...that a 37 year old man has so much interest in talking to a 16 year old? I don't care how mature you are for your age, he is 21 years older than you -- old enough to be your father! Don't you wonder why he isn't chatting with someone closer to his own age?

[crazy_rikan]

yeah I get what you are saying but I mean things can happen, not everybody are bad people. If you are trying to say something else please be straight up dont hide anything cuz I want to know what people really think about it and what the have to say. It would really help me. Thanks

[Kathylovesflowers]

My first thought was that you sounded to me like one of those online police people (adults posing as a child) attempting to entrap creeps into talking with you...Not sure if this thread will entice even more older people to get into contact with you? then raid them lol? Not sure I agree with the approach, but the world does need less creeps.

 

Any child should stay far away from any 37 year old man. creepy!

 

Kathy

[Demented]

Originally posted by faux

At your point in life, the age difference is not only too wide apart, but extremely illegal. Were he to kiss you, in a few states, he could be charged with a felony crime. A person who is 18 years of age or older can NOT be with any person under the age of 18, and I do not believe should be associating with persons under the age of 18.

 

That is actually incorrect...in most states, the standard is that if the girl is 16 or over, then it IS legal...the "age of consent" varies by state, but not by much...usually 16 or 17, and in some states it's as low as 15.

[supermom]

My first thought was that you sounded to me like one of those online police people (adults posing as a child) attempting to entrap creeps into talking with you...

 

My first thought is that he IS one of those creeps.

 

And how do you know you are in love with him if you have never been around him, and know how is acts and what type of person he is.

 

And also at 16, how do you know what love is? I know you'll be upset by me saying this but when I was 16, 17, 18, 19 I thought I was "in love" with people, when you're older you will realize it's "puppy love"

 

It just doesn't sound safe to me.

[Demented]

I think a lot of you are jumping to conclusions...I mean, she has even stated that they've NEVER had sex...he's NOT ASKING her for sex...he's telling her to stay in school and graduate, and maybe after she gets out on her own they might be able to look at a relationship...

 

That's what I'm reading, anyway....

[faux]

Originally posted by Dr Demented

That is actually incorrect...in most states, the standard is that if the girl is 16 or over, then it IS legal...the "age of consent" varies by state, but not by much...usually 16 or 17, and in some states it's as low as 15.

 

Not true. I do not understand how you can believe such common misconceptions of the law.

 

In the United States of America, a person who is aged 18 or over can NOT have sexual contact with any person who is under the age of 18. These laws do not vary state from state to such high extents, as to make it "OK" for someone 18 or over to be sexually involved with a minor. A minor is any person under the age of 18.

 

MOST STATES do not even have an "age of consent" law. New Jersey is just one of them. The "facts" you can find on the internet are completely distorted, and are often based on old laws that are no longer in effect.

 

These laws vary not only state to state, but township to township, throughout municipalities, and vary under many other circumstances. It is never safe to assume that anyone under 18 is "safe" to do anything with. Most states include open mouth kissing in the list of felony crimes when a minor is involved, as this often falls under "sexual penetration".

 

If you are confused as to your local laws, I suggest reading up on them from reliable sources. I base my sources on the New York and New Jersey Criminal Code of Conduct books, that I have access to through legal libraries and attorneys that I know. Additionally, you should write to your District Attorney to be absolutely certain that you are aware of the laws in your area.

 

I know someone who is facing jail time now for being involved with a 16 year old. Apparently it is not quite often the legal "age of consent". As I stated before, not every state even HAS an "age of consent" law in the books.

 

Please consult an attorney before jumping to any conclusions about "age of consent" myths. Attorneys I have spoken to from different parts of the country always advise: "Do not do anything with any person under the age of 18, if you are 18 or older." It is never wise to assume you know anything about the law without seeking legal advise from a licensed attorney or your District Attorney.

 

Be certain to get qualified legal advise on this topic. I believe you will find that your present beliefs of "15, 16 ,17" will not apply. Additionally, nothing you find on the internet is a reliable source of legal information.

 

The "age of consent" topic is a very huge, common misconception about the law. Just remember: This is why my friend is in jail now and registered as a Megan's Law offender.

 

 

Originally posted by crazy_rikan

I want to get straight that we do NOT have sex or anything like that. Just a reminder that we DONT have any physical contact at all. He doesnt even lives in the US. And the laws over there are kinda diferent than here. He does NOT want to do ANYTHING with me untill I finish school and get a life of my own, thats one of the things that he said very clearly to me. And I agree to that cuz my future its first. I got no problem with that at all.

 

What time frame is he talking about? After you graduate college? Years into the future? I doubt such a relationship would end up lasting, considering the long distance, for that amount of time.

 

I tried to get out of the relationship earlier cuz, yes, a side of me feels that its wrong. But we are too attached to eachother. Whenever I dont talk to him, I feel lost, its like I cant breath without him. It might seem or be a "platonic love" but I have feelings for him and so does him for me. And one thing that its true, you have no control over your feelings and you cant tell your heart what to do. You cant also choose who you love.

 

This may not be "love" though. "Love" between a 37 year old man, and a 16 year old girl, that live in different countries, and have never met, sounds odd to me I will admit. I don't believe it sounds healthy if you feel so down when you do not speak with him. I highly recommend breaking off all contact with this man. I don't care if laws may be different in another country. I still don't think any person of that age has any business speaking to someone as young as yourself, on that level. Besides, it will take you a few years yet to get out of high school, then finish college. I restate the fact that this probably won't last that long anyway, for him to wait until you "have your life together".

 

I have always been a mature person

 

Perhaps mature for your age group, but mature enough to be having this dialog with this man... I disagree given the information I have at present.

 

, thats why we have a lot in comon, we can relate and talk about many things for many hours.

 

I do not see what things a sixteen year old and a thirty seven year old, who live in different countries, could have in common.

 

I know him since December and our relationship has been great, we have worked out many problems together. He tried his best to make me happy and he does make me very happy.

 

But lately I have been feeling weird and confused. He has noticed a big strange change in my attitude and the way I treat him. He worries a lot about me and he asks me "whats wrong?" but I dont know how to express what Im feeling now. I know that you guys are right about the age/laws thing. But he is also a human being and he got feeling as a person and I dont think its right to leave a person "Just beacuse". You know what Im saying?

 

The law says it isn't right for him, as a person, to associate with you in such ways, or want to associate with you in such ways. Even for him to suggest something like that is creepy.

 

Think of it this way. Assume this man did live close to you. How then would you feel? A thirty seven year old man, and you being sixteen. The idea of it completely creeps me out. I would recommend that you spend more time utilizing counseling, friends, and family to sort out your problems, rather than relying on someone like this online.

 

Community forums such as this are good places to seek advise, but they are no substitute for friends, family, and qualified professionals.

 

It bothers me that you even have to question what to do in this situation.

 

Originally posted by Dr Demented

I think a lot of you are jumping to conclusions...I mean, she has even stated that they've NEVER had sex...he's NOT ASKING her for sex...he's telling her to stay in school and graduate, and maybe after she gets out on her own they might be able to look at a relationship...

 

That's what I'm reading, anyway....

 

He did state, according to the girl, that he wants to wait to do anything until she has her "life together". He is suggesting things which are quite wrong legally, and out of place otherwise.

[Demented]

Faux...YOU are the one who doesn't have his facts straight. I get my facts from the Law Library AND from official sources online. When you make a feeble attempt to disprove someone's statements, be sure that you know who you're talking to.

Here's the link to Indiana law: Check out Title 35...

http://www.in.gov/legislative/ic/code/

 

and here's a direct link to the actual laws on the subject:

http://www.in.gov/legislative/ic/code/title35/ar42/ch4.html

[Demented]

Also, just because you live in New Jersey...don't assume that it's laws are the same all over the country...

[tiki]

Originally posted by crazy_rikan

I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE IT.

 

Of course you haven't, you're sixteen. Your supposed to have puppy love with the boy with the locker beside yours. Come on, this is sick. This man has to be a pedophile. You need to lose him. You need to DATE like a 16 year old does. Please reconsider what you are doing.

 

How would you feel if he went to JAIL because of his actions? That'd suck for you, huh? Well that's what happens when you play with kids and you are an adult! ICK!

[Demented]

and here's some more fun with "knowledge", Mr. Faux....

 

In Kansas, it's considered "rape" if the girl is 14 or under...regardless of consent, since she can't legally give consent...

 

from Kansas Legislature official site: http://www.kslegislature.org/cgi-bin/statutes/index.cgi

21-3502. Rape. (a) Rape is: (1) Sexual intercourse with a person who does not consent to the sexual intercourse, under any of the following circumstances:

 

(A) When the victim is overcome by force or fear;

 

(B) when the victim is unconscious or physically powerless; or

 

© when the victim is incapable of giving consent because of mental deficiency or disease, or when the victim is incapable of giving consent because of the effect of any alcoholic liquor, narcotic, drug or other substance, which condition was known by the offender or was reasonably apparent to the offender;

 

(2) sexual intercourse with a child who is under 14 years of age;

 

(3) sexual intercourse with a victim when the victim's consent was obtained through a knowing misrepresentation made by the offender that the sexual intercourse was a medically or therapeutically necessary procedure; or

 

(4) sexual intercourse with a victim when the victim's consent was obtained through a knowing misrepresentation made by the offender that the sexual intercourse was a legally required procedure within the scope of the offender's authority.

 

(b) It shall be a defense to a prosecution of rape under subsection (a)(2) that the child was married to the accused at the time of the offense.

 

© Rape as described in subsection (a)(1) or (2) is a severity level 1, person felony. Rape as described in subsection (a)(3) or (4) is a severity level 2, person felony.

 

 

If you want to know what the REAL laws say, consult Cornell's website. Since they're one of the top law schools in the country, I'd be willing to bet that they can't be called an unreliable source...lol

 

http://www.law.cornell.edu/states/listing.html

[Demented]

here's another nifty one...

 

from Kansas code

21-3503. Indecent liberties with a child. (a) Indecent liberties with a child is engaging in any of the following acts with a child who is 14 or more years of age but less than 16 years of age:

 

(1) Any lewd fondling or touching of the person of either the child or the offender, done or submitted to with the intent to arouse or to satisfy the sexual desires of either the child or the offender, or both; or

 

(2) soliciting the child to engage in any lewd fondling or touching of the person of another with the intent to arouse or satisfy the sexual desires of the child, the offender or another.

 

(b) It shall be a defense to a prosecution of indecent liberties with a child as described in subsection (a)(1) that the child was married to the accused at the time of the offense.

 

© Indecent liberties with a child is a severity level 5, person felony.

 

It's not even a real felony...and in Kansas, a girl over 16 can give you head...if you get head from someone under 16, it's only a misdemeanor...

 

from Kansas state code:

21-3505. Criminal sodomy. (a) Criminal sodomy is:

 

(1) Sodomy between persons who are 16 or more years of age and members of the same sex or between a person and an animal;

 

(2) sodomy with a child who is 14 or more years of age but less than 16 years of age; or

 

(3) causing a child 14 or more years of age but less than 16 years of age to engage in sodomy with any person or animal.

 

(b) It shall be a defense to a prosecution of criminal sodomy as provided in subsection (a)(2) that the child was married to the accused at the time of the offense.

 

© Criminal sodomy as provided in subsection (a)(1) is a class B nonperson misdemeanor.

[Adunaphel]

crazy_rikan,

 

absolutely try to get this guy out of your head.

Mature as you can be, or mature as you might believe you are, you have no businness with a 37 years old guy met on the internet.

Why were you chatting with a 37 years old anyway?

And why was he chatting with you?

 

It is a great thing that at least he has not taken advantage of your feelings, perhaps he is not a creep, perhaps he is an okay person, even if the right behaviour on his part should have been telling you you can't have a relationship(neither now nor later), diminishing or cutting contact with you and encouraging you to go out more with friends your age.

(I know you didn't tell him you started to be attracted to him, but ha has probably guessed).

 

Stop spending such a big part of your time on the internet, go out more with *real*people your age and stop fuelling this attraction you feel towards him.

 

Do your parents know about this guy?

 

But he is also a human being and he got feeling as a person and I dont think its right to leave a person "Just beacuse". You know what Im saying?

 

Tell him you are cutting contact with him at least for a while.

Tell him why if you feel like it. If he is an okay person, he'll agree it's the very right thing.

[HokeyReligions]

What to do?

 

Tell your parents

 

Tell a school counselor

 

Tell a minister

 

Tell the police

[tiki]

Dr Demented...are you 37 by any chance?!

 

What are you fighting for? This situation is sick and uncalled for. This GROWN MAN is a pedophile. Quit making it look like you are sticking up for him, it makes you look flakey. You've lost sight of the poster's original question. Get back on track then come back and join us!

[Adunaphel]

Perhaps it's me trusting people too much, but we don't know the background.

 

We don't know how they got in contact (perhaps he thought crazy_rikan was much older at the beginning, they got friends and only then he got to know her real age).

We don't know why he told her they'd see after she finishes school.... since she never told him she's attracted to him, for all we know he could have got upset after knowing her age, he could have told her they should stop contact, she could have begged him to remain friends and he could have said 'okay, but we are not going to meet -not even for a cup of coffee-until you have finished school'.

 

crazy_rikan did not give us enough information....we can suspect he's a creep but we don't know for sure, yet.

 

he might have realized she is attracted to him and got scared to death, or the idea might not have crossed his mind at all. Perhaps she told him her parents know she is talking to him online.

 

My guess is that he *could* very well be a creep, but we just can't tell for sure from the information we have got.

[Demented]

Originally posted by tikibrandy

Dr Demented...are you 37 by any chance?!

 

What are you fighting for? This situation is sick and uncalled for. This GROWN MAN is a pedophile. Quit making it look like you are sticking up for him, it makes you look flakey. You've lost sight of the poster's original question. Get back on track then come back and join us!

 

I'm not really sticking up for him, and I don't really give a damn if I look "flakey"...what I'm arguing about is this jackass's statement that it's against the law, when it might not be. I'm 33, btw...

 

also, if you'll look up the definition of "pedophile", it's a person who likes PRE-TEENS...usually boys...but not necessarily limited...and if he is, then he deserves to die a horrible and painful death.

However, it doesn't appear to be the case...

[clia]

Yeah faux, you are totally wrong.

 

I'm studying for the bar exam right now -- as a summary of the law in this area, this is what the multistate bar review coursebook states:

 

Statutory rape is the crime of carnal knowledge of a female under the age of consent. Even if the female willingly participated, the offense is nevertheless committed because consent is irrelevant. The age of consent varies from state to state, generally from 16 to 18.

 

FYI, carnal knowledge = sex.

[StartingAgain]

Uh, all the legal debates in this tread aside, this man definitely has a serious problem. It's one thing to give a young girl friendly advice and even serve as a mentor. But you don't tell her the intimate details of your life and you don't continue when she tells you she's in love with you and wants to be with you. He probably is a pedophile, but even if he isn't his judgement is so badk a 16 year old girl needs to steer clear of him.

[crazy_rikan]

when we first started talking nobody said the age. I met him at a chatroom where you can talk about your problems. when we found out eachother ages, we really didnt know weather to keep talking or not. we decided that age didnt matter regarding being friends. he is a great person, he helped me to get out of some problems that I had regarding drugs, alcohol, and family problems. he made me a better person. every advice that he ever gave me was for my well-being. nothing that he has said has been wrong and he doesnt shows me any bad example at all.

 

but can we just stop the subject about sex. sex got nothing to do with this. when he said that he doesnt want anything with me untill I finish school and I get a life of my own, he meant getting on a real relationship. he has said to me many times to go out and chill with people my age and my friends, and I do that a lot, its not like Im stuck at home 24/7, but we still talk everyday. he tells me that I should get a boyfriend or something like that but I just choose not to. he is ok if we get some time "off" like not talking for a while. but i cant so it, I like talking to him.

 

alot of you guys are thinking and talking like he was a creep. I know alot about him, and if he were a creep then everything about him would freak me out, the only thing that scares me is his age, nothing else.

 

I dont know what its the big deal if I have a relationship with him or not. cuz if I decided to see him or to be with him, its going to be after Im done with school and after Im 18. by the way i will graduate from school this year and I'll be 17, but I will still wait till Im 18. but whay is it so wrong to have feelings for him? its not like Im going to dropout from school or ruin my life or anything like that. he wants the best for me and he wont do anything to hurt me. why are people so stereotyped and judgemental just because of his age?

[SoleMate]

...he's NOT ASKING her for sex...

Yet.

 

why are people so stereotyped and judgemental just because of his age?

Because we have seen so many cases where 37 year old men who chase lonely underaged girls are looking for sex...or webcam shows...or maybe even just an emotional affair over the Internet.

 

if he were a creep then everything about him would freak me out, the only thing that scares me is his age, nothing else

My dear, at 16 I am sorry to say you really cannot judge properly as to whether he is a creep or not. Many of us on Loveshack CAN. And 37 year old men chasing 16 year old girls are creeps by definition according to American culture and moral norms. End of discussion.

 

Of course, HIS culture may accept this kind of relationship - it may even be the norm. What country is he from? What are the norms where he lives?

 

Look how you cling to this loser, talk to him, think about him, defend against the better judgment of the Loveshack consensus, and plan your life around him. That right there is trouble enough.

 

But...you won't listen. Kids your age rarely do. Come back to Loveshack when you're all messed up in the head and need a shoulder to cry on because of this.