Mid Life something....

[CrSif]

Last night my husband got home from his yearly motorcycle trip, sat me down and told me that he was leaving me....

 

We met at work and had crazy, fantastic love. I mean pure fireworks. He was the ONE for me...still is as far as I'm concerned. I knew it within a week of seeing him that i would marry him. We have been married for 11 years now. Not all great, but up until about 2 years ago (4 according to him), things were really good. Then this "crisis or whatever you want to call it" started.

 

About 5 years ago he went out and joined a hockey league...he wanted to get active again and of course i supported this. Next thing he was playing ball hockey as well (also supported). We worked on the house together and made it "our" home. We have a collection of small pets and had a pretty happy little family. He is 45 and I am 43. He has been married before and has 2 kids that are now adults that live in the next province, who we do see from time to time.

 

Skipping ahead about 4 years ago, we talked one day and he was concerned that our sex life was waning. We tried to remedy it, but honestly my drive is not all that high but i was ok with it. Always thought it brought us closer.

 

I thought things were fine, until about 2 years ago, when he dropped the bombshell on me. Said he was unhappy, etc, etc and that we needed to go to counselling. So we did. I totally got into the whole therapy thing. Got alot out of it, bought all kinds of books and did a ton of reading. I worked on it alot. I knew even then that I did NOT want to lose him. After 3 sessions where the therapist was getting nowhere with him, she recommended he go see someone on his own. So he did. He also joined Al-Anon (his mom is a big believer in it) and he loved that. He stopped the therapy when he felt they had kind of gotten as far as they could. He never went back to our marriage therapist. I did a few times on my own. Quite often during the bike trips he'd take. I have a hard time with the whole "separate vacation" thing.

 

I have spent months, maybe even years in limbo. Not knowing if he's staying or going...always never trusting that he would not bolt on me....so trust is a bit of an issue. I'm not worried he'd cheat, because he's not like that (and he really is NOT), I spose I just don't like being left behind like extra baggage.

 

Basically i let him have his crisis, he bought the bike, then a year later he bought a bigger one, then the trips started. I never tried to STOP him from going but he picked up on the way i feel about it and feels guilty about it. I know, not MY problem, that one he owns.

 

I THOUGHT i had done everything right. And now here i sit, devastated and broken. We are still in the house (not sure what we are doing there - if he is leaving or if i am). I knew this could happen but think I was in denial that it ever would. After all I put soooo much into it. Now I realize that I was the only one doing the work...

 

Of course he says it's not "me"...I have been nothing but patient, understanding and supportive (which honestly, i really have) but he's so selfish that he needs to do all of this for HIM i guess.

 

I guess i'm so sad that it came to this. I still think it could work out. How stupid is that? I can't stand the thought of him never being "here" again. I have no idea how to get over the feelings of loss here, it feels like he's died, not just in the process of leaving. When he sat me down, I KNEW what he was going to say and all i could say was "I hate you, I went through all that crap for so freaking long, for THIS?". Have to say that was one of the first times in my life I ever felt like I said something constructive.

 

Anyway just wanted to see if anyone else thinks this sounds familiar? Thx for reading.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. My situation is a fair bit different, but I know how it feels to lose someone after a long term relationship.

 

I wish people would put the work behind the vows they make.

[hopesndreams]

Last night my husband got home from his yearly motorcycle trip, sat me down and told me that he was leaving me....

 

That's your cue to totally cut him off emotionally/physically.

 

I have spent months, maybe even years in limbo.

 

Now there's no more limbo, right? Your choice.

 

I'm not worried he'd cheat, because he's not like that (and he really is NOT)

We ALL say this.

 

I THOUGHT i had done everything right.

And you most likely did. But, it's not about what YOU do or don't do, it's all about HIM. You are not the one responsible for his happiness or lack thereof, HE is.

 

I still think it could work out. How stupid is that?

 

Not stupid at all. You love him. It's not you bailing, it's him. Let him bail, his choice, a very STUPID choice and his to make, ALONE.

 

Give him tons & tons of space! No longer be there for him, cut him off at the knees. This will go against everything you believe to do and it's the ONLY thing that could possibly turn him around.

[shiftman]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. My situation is a fair bit different, but I know how it feels to lose someone after a long term relationship.

 

I wish people would put the work behind the vows they make.

 

IMHO, most often one side will and the other side will not.

[CrSif]

Thanks all. We had a really good talk today. I told him that since this was NOT my decision, i thought it best that he leaves the house. So now we have an agreement that i will stay here 6 months, then we will see what we want to do (either i buy him out, he buys me out or we decide to sell). He will also help me with a few bills so that I can manage to stay here on my own. If i get into financial trouble, he says he needs to know so we can manage to stay on top of things. It's going to be tight, but it also saves me more stress at least for now. So that part is settled for now at least.

 

He is headed to see his mom for most of next week, so i will have time to figure things out without him distracting me. We are both on holidiays for a week (good timing for me). When he gets back, he wants to look for his own place. I'm ok with that as we work nearly opposite shifts anyway, so we won't be seeing each other much.

 

My friends have really come through for me. I actually didn't realize just how many fantastic friends I have. One of them is looking into cheap yoga classes or tai chi just to get me out of the house and doing something. That was actually my idea!

 

For some reason i'm seeing alot more clearly today. At least now I don't have to worry about how he's doing and maybe i can go back to not knowing how it feels to be walking on eggshells all the time. Realized tonight that i don't even remember what THAT feels like...yeesh.

 

I spose I am still hoping that his mom can talk some sense into him, but at this point i just don't know if anything will change his mind. I did mention that i would be willing to see a councillor once a month with him and he says he doesn't want to, so that's fine too. Just thought i'd try one last thing, you know?

[TaraMaiden]

This is going to sound odd, but - try to see this as an opportunity to go forward.

 

This isn't "Now what?" in the sense of sitting and despairing.

This is a "Now what?" in the sense of grabbing coat handbag and keys and seeing where the car wants to go....

 

If he sees that you develop independence, a free spirit and a life that makes you fly rather than fall, it may make him see what he's missing - but don't do it for that reason. Do it, because ultimately, it will do you a real power of good.

 

You've been dancing on egg-shells to his tune, for long enough.

Time to do your own fandango!!

[CrSif]

Yes perhaps. It's very soon as this just happened. He is away right now as he wanted to talk to family.

 

I did have a nap today and i dreamt of my new little house! I guess that's a start. Glad as it was a bad day today.

[MsOptimist]

Hi CrSif, I just joined the site because your situation is so very much like mine. I've been reading so many things online and in books lately and it is striking how similar our situations are.

 

I have been married for 9 years, just had our 9 year anniversary 2 months ago. I thought our relationship was pretty good - better than most at least. We, too, have a house and several animals that we adore.

 

We have separate hobbies but also some hobbies that we share together - about 5 years ago we had the same talk that you know so well, he sat me down with the "I'm not happy" speech. That's when we both sought out more hobbies, separately and apart. He also is into motorcycles and often takes trips with his dad (I could never ride that long on the motorcycle, he goes cross country sometimes).

 

In the past 2 years I thought we were especially good - both very active and not micromanaging each other (we run races together, do triathlons, we have gone mountain climbing - stuff that I really thought was making us closer). About a month ago he sent me a long email saying he wasn't happy with our sex life. I didn't think it was bad, but I was willing to work on that and did a lot of reading up on the topic and trying to spice things up with him.

 

One week ago he sits me down again with the "I'm not happy" speech again, with all kinds of other reasons that seem out of left field, and now he's sure he wants out. I have no say in the matter - I'm ready and willing to fight for my marriage that means the world to me, and he's checked out. Sucker punch to the gut times 1000.

 

I feel the same way as you, that this was a possibility - our communication isn't always great, but I never EVER thought that this would be my reality. I never thought that our problems were anything that couldn't be worked on. But I'm learning the hard way that there's nothing I can do alone to make this work if he's set in his mind that it's over. I feel like I've been on eggshells for too long too.

 

We are both still in our house too. I'm not sure what will happen, I'm assuming I will move out eventually (don't think I can afford the house by myself, not to mention how hard emotionally it would be there with him not in in. When he's away on a trip I always think how lonely it is there with him gone.)

 

I got out of the house over the weekend to think and it did help clear my mind - I'm starting to get into a healthier perspective that things will eventually be ok.

 

We're still cordial and civil, but it's still ripping my heart out that I'm losing my best friend.

[CrSif]

I'm sorry you are having your heart ripped out too. I am glad however that we can talk to eachother about this. It is sooo similar, it's eerie.

 

Our first "talk/sucker punch" was about 4 yrs ago and yes, it was the "sex talk". I "thought" that end was settled). Then last year another serious one, then councilling etc this year (Dec-Feb ish). The marriage councillor sent him to his own therapist. I suspect she couldn't get through to him, but i still see her occasionally. I am actually waiting to hear back from her now as i called today.

 

The other day I told him that I wanted to stay here in the house, but like you I can't finance it alone, so would have to heavily rely on family.

 

So, last night i was looking at small houses for sale and i had actually found something. My friend and her husband (who happens to be a realtor came to see me today) so he arranged that we could go look at it.

 

It is a small house (just perfect for one person). Even has a single garage and a nice deck AND i could afford it by myself!

 

So I came home (they had to leave as they live 3 hrs away). I picked up my book and while reading it (yes it's one of THOSE books) realized that I have been totally lost myself in this relationship and it's problems and i'm not even sure WHO i am anymore....Good to realize but now to DEAL. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal, but i know I have to be ok...sometime.

 

Yes he takes the cross country trips too. This year he went with a guy from work, who i know. It eats me up when he's gone and I have never stopped him, but i do hate it. I dunno.

 

Like you, I know if he's made up his mind, I am out of options. The thing with me is trying to deal with the permanance of all of it, you know? I still love this man and I know I shouldn't, but well, that's how it goes.

 

The thing that gets me...of course my family does NOT want me to take him back (even if he does change his mind). I know they are right, but can I actually let him go? I should be running for my life, but i still don't want to.

 

I totally get where you are at.

[CrSif]

I also do not feel like he has given this relationship 100% as far as trying goes. That is what hurts more than anything...that he's willing to just BAIL.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

I'm not worried he'd cheat, because he's not like that (and he really is NOT)

We ALL say this.

 

I am so glad that you said this Hopes. This is what more and more men are learning - that no amount of fidelity will ever amount to a hill of beans. The clear message is that whether you are faithful or not, you are a man. And ALL men are cheaters - whether they cheat or not.

 

You can expect more and more of this sort of behavior by men as they wake up and smell the coffee. Life in marriage is pretty bleak and scary for most men. I imagine women felt like this years ago. The tables have turned. Maybe this is cosmic justice for our gender, but never abused a woman and I am not a part of any patriarchy (I am still waiting for my invitation to that club)

 

Women find this hard to understand. It seems so sudden. The women seem so innocent. How could their evil man do this to an innocent little woman.

 

There are many honest women who will tell the truth about such things. If you are willing to listen.

 

I would so love to hear his side of the story. I am not surprised that a woman would essentially declare him a cheater with no evidence provided. But I have never, EVER met a happily married man who left his wife. Not once.

 

You have more power than you realize ladies. If you wield it carelessly about the only thing we can do is walk away. Negotiating, discussing arguing and debating with women is an exercise in futility. There is no such thing. There is just "shut up and listen".

 

Men - pay close attention to these little digs. If you are under 25 years old - this is your future. This is what women tell YOUR women when you are not there to defend yourself. While you are at work, they assume you are cheating. While you go on vacation to get a little perspective. You are cheating. They listen to other bitter women who made bad choices in men and they get jaded too.

 

Then you wonder why your happy marriage doesn't feel so happy any more.

 

You have been warned. Do NOT get married.

[strongnrelaxed]

To the OP. Forgive me for that last response. You are obviously hurting and I can relate to the idea of losing a partner that you do not even recognize any more. Something that no one else understands about me is this feeling that the person I married is dead.

 

This is a horrible feeling and I would not wish this on anyone else - even an enemy. My wife feels like an innocent victim in all of this despite her bizarre behavior. There are two sides to my story and I have been open and honest about that.

 

When we lose ourselves in a relationship, this is ultimately a bad thing. You are finding this out in the harshest way. Some people need to grow and change and move forward. Others want stability and comfort. Sometimes these things clash.

 

I wish you the best of luck on your difficult journey ahead.

 

Becoming a strong individual with a strong social life and passions and interests is perhaps something to think about in the coming days.

 

Let your man go. Get right yourself. And then the future will start to look brighter.

 

I am really very sorry to hear this. It hits closer to home than I can say.

[MsOptimist]

I absolutely know what you mean about the permanence of this all, and it's very scary. I have always found comfort in our relationship and lifestyle and the thought of it being ripped apart is unsettling, to say the least. This week I feel like I need to pick up the phone and schedule a consultation with an attorney, but the permanence and finality of it is what's holding me back. I know that just consulting will not set this in motion permanently, but I struggle with knowing his mind is made up and still in shock that it's happening.

 

Wow, you are looking at houses already? I haven't been able to get the energy to start looking for apartments yet. I don't have family help financially, and I think renting an apartment will save me a lot of money in the beginning. I have a good job but we don't have much in savings. What we save goes towards trips and fun things that we do together - even though one of the reasons he's giving me is that "we don't do anything together." That is not true at all. We have shared interests and separate interests and I always thought it was a healthy balance.

 

I'm sorry you feel you have lost yourself while in your marriage. I'm sifting through all of these thoughts and feelings to see where my role in this demise is. I don't think it's due to my losing myself. In fact in the past 3 or so years I feel like I have grown into much more of a confident person than I have ever been. I took up running and last year I decided to train for a run a marathon and it was the most self-discovering process I have ever been through. I trained entirely myself (no running group or anything) and after tackling my running goals I found that the confidence translated into my entire life. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to - which is why it's hard to accept that he doesn't want to save our marriage. I'm confident that we can work through it - or at least TRY to work through it. Mile 24 of the marathon was by far the toughest mile of the race. It chopped me down to the core of myself and I could either quit, walk in the last 2 miles, or push through. I wiped my tears and continued running and pushed through. That philosophy will help me get through this separation and divorce, but I was not prepared to be in this situation at all.

 

I also know what you mean about your family's thoughts on taking him back - my family is so angry with him, too. I haven't even reached the anger stage of grief though, I still feel the hurt and sadness primarily. If he suddenly changed his mind today that he wanted to work through things, I would be there. That's what's really hard to grasp for me, too - knowing how much he's hurting me right now, knowing that I don't deserve someone who can hurt a person like this, yet still loving him so much. I haven't lost my love for him.

[CrSif]

Strong...I think right now it would be easier to deal with a death, if that makes sense. Sorry also that you have gone thru this and glad to hear you made it out the other side. It's never easy, no matter if we are prepared or not..and in saying that i also realize that we never truly could be prepared. Thanks for the male insight....

------

Ms O...Yes unsettling is a good way to put it. A friend of mine said that I am at Ground Zero...and that's the best way to describe me at the moment.

 

Yes i looked at a house (and yes, it was way too soon), only to start waffling because i just don't think either of us should make a quick decision on the house that we have. Not because of losing the place, that won't happen as we both have equity in it. Mostly because the guideline for such a life change is not to do anything for a year. The plan was to talk in 6 months and see how we are with things. If it IS over, at least by then we can both think clearly and have both hopefully grown from being apart and we can make a decent decision about how to divide things up and go from there.

 

Today I woke up feeling a teeny bit better than yesterday, which is good I think. At least my stomach has stopped flip flopping quite as badly.

 

Not sure that I mentioned that he suffers from chronic depression. The whole time that "stuff" has been going on, it has also been a struggle with that for both of us. Someone said to me today that living with a depressed person is not alot different than living with an alcoholic or drug addict. I have to say that I never thought of it like that before. So more to think about on that I guess.

 

I think what i mean by losing myself is that i have spent soooooo much time worrying how HE is feeling and how HE is doing, that I haven't been doing much for me. I'm a total homebody, so I do realize I need to go out and try and meet some people at some point. I am in the process of joining a group that meets once a week to deal with this kind of thing, but am not sure if i am ready to go to a meeting just yet. Maybe next week though.

 

The last relationship I had before my husband was hard to deal with as well. I had been with him 10 years and I was completely miserable. Even though I called that one off, I felt guilt about it for years. I was glad to go actually, it was a relief. It still doesn't stop the feelings of guilt for doing so. That took me a long time to forgive myself for.

 

I went to see my IC today. Not quite sure how much good it did, I need to process what all she said before commenting on that.

Edited September 5, 2012 by CrSif

[MsOptimist]

I feel like I'm at ground zero. At least you guys have a plan. I'm a planner and we have no plan yet. We're peacefully coexisting in the house, and it's super surreal, but we don't talk about it much at all. Last we talked about us was at therapy on Monday. I know he needs space so I'm staying out of his way as much as possible.

 

I've been searching for a support group too and haven't found one yet.

 

 

My stomach has stopped churning so much too. I'm eating a little better and getting decent sleep. I'm still running and it's helping me to clear my head, I do my best thinking while running.

 

 

Living with a depressed person is very hard. Both my parents were and are depressed. I wonder if my husband suffers from depression sometimes, he definitely has periods where he's down. He does have ADD and finally went back on meds last year and I was hoping that would help him feel more stable with everything at home.

[CrSif]

It's kind of a loose plan at this point. Once again i have no idea what "the best thing" is to do, but i am sure we will work something out. I hope you do as well. It's not easy seeing him every day, i'm sure. My H works nights and i'm on days, so we will have little contact when he gets back from his trip.

 

Im happy to hear that you are both still going to therapy. Mine won't even go back to MC. He didn't think it helped....? Well it totally helped me. At least now we know how to talk about things together without sounding so accusing....

 

He does go to a psychiatrist (finally) that manages his meds and councils him as well, so i guess he is doing that much.

 

Yes living with him the past few years has been horrible at times, but good at others. He always says that i don't want to be in his head as it's an awful place to be. He is one that thinks waaaaay too much. I do that too, but perhaps because of the depression he is even worse.

[CrSif]

I'm not sure where you live, but i found the group on

Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup

 

and it's free

Edited September 6, 2012 by CrSif

[TaraMaiden]

CrSif, from your post (#9)...?

 

but can I actually let him go? I should be running my life, but i still don't want to.....

 

Fixed that for you....

 

I think you're doing excellent things... but remember as I said:

Do them to release, fulfil and nourish you. Not for any other motive or reason...

 

The fact your H suffers from depression, is a big factor.

 

And I suspect that it will be for him, precisely as the song says:

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...."

 

And I think there will be times when he sits, on one of his escape-from-it-all road-trips - and asks himself precisely "what the hell have I done...?!"

 

His road-trips are his head-in-the-sand time. When it all gets too much for his mind to cope with, he turns tail, and heads for the hills.

It's a detachment which works wonders at the time - until he gets back and puts his feet back on the ground.

 

Discovering what the problem is, doesn't solve it though.

 

This is his method of coping, and nothing on this planet, or anywhere else, will change that - unless he activates it himself.

 

The problem is neither you personally, nor the both of you, collectively.

 

The problem is with him. Clichéd as it sounds, if he were to turn to you and say "It's not you, it's me" - I think it would be the most honest thing you could ever hear from him.

 

Don't even think about trying to uphold your side of this relationship.

 

Honestly? He actually 'booked out' a long time ago. I suspect he stayed and went through the motions of trying to keep it all together, because part of him suspected that it's what he should have been doing. Call it guilt, call it conditioning, I think his heart wasn't in it from the start.

And that's not your fault.

So now, you have to 'un-learn' how to be the wife that holds it all together.

You actually have to work at detaching from this relationship, and learning that you're in a group of one.

And petty, small-minded and cruel as it sounds - that goes right down to doing his washing, ironing, cooking and 'stuff-buying'.

And if you've always been in the habit of doing it - NOT doing it tears at your heart and gut-instincts like nothing else ever could.

 

Because when you guys DO go your separate ways - he's going to have to do all of it for himself, start to finish.

 

Ok, maybe he does all this already. Maybe he's already completely independent and can wash/iron/cook for himself.

But I bet at home you take some of that on.

 

Well, don't.

Not any more.

It'll kill you to not do it.

Something inside you will scream to do it for him, to carry on, to continue like you used to.

But it's not like that any more.

And you have to become accustomed to doing for you.

And you alone.

 

Time to get real, maybe..?

[CrSif]

Tara...I know everything you said is true. The road trips are for SURE his escape. He's always happy to get back, but he told me he'd actually like to do more of them (not that he could afford to - lol). I can say that i would be fine with that IF we were a close knit couple. Must keep in mind that since all this crap happened 3 yrs ago, we were just that. I think he's trying to discover what he truly is and he is "saving" me from him. Which I suppose really is sort of admirable. I do know he loves me, but not the way i need.

 

I really hope by trying to move on myself I can manage some kind of peace at some point. I'm a bit worried at how long that will take, but i know it WILL happen. It's just so hard to let go.

 

Would it be bad to say that i really HOPE he regrets It? Whoops....

[TaraMaiden]

No, it wouldn't be bad at all. But you have to get to the stage that, even if he did say that, you'd be in a position to give a damn.

You'll always care about him; he's your H., and you love him.

 

But he cares most about him, first.

 

Compromise and effort have not been strong on his side.

You've put him first, he hasn't reciprocated, because his heart hasn't been there.

 

He may not have been deliberately, consciously selfish - but he has been.

 

So you have to incorporate a bit of that selfishness, into your attitude.

By all means, hope he regrets it. But make sure you aren't in the vulnerable position of leaving yourself open to his back-tracking....

 

You have to be at the stage where you can turn around and say - "Oh really? And just what do you expect ME to do about that, buddy?"

[CrSif]

Yes and now for the hard part....

 

Getting to the point of turning around and saying exactly that. Phew.

 

And yes he has freely admitted that he is selfish.

 

What is your opinion on the selling of the house etc? I'm taking all the advice I can right now. One one hand, if he could buy me out and I could buy something myself, it would defo keep me busy fixing it up through the winter. I love doing that kind of thing and think it would be therapeutic. I'm torn to whether it would be harder for me to stay here for 6+ months alone...

[TaraMaiden]

I would take that option, personally.

 

I take it both your names are on the mortgage Agreement.

If you actually tell him you've been looking for other places to live, and have some solutions in the pipeline, could you please discuss the financial settlement of the house, it will also bring it home to him that this is really a happening thing.

It's at this point that I would personally, if I were you, consult a solicitor for some advice.

but don't let him/her lead you into a place of litigation. You don't want to become confrontational, you just want a solution - and a dissolution. The more they get you to 'fight for your rights' - the more money they cream off the deal.

When solicitors enter the fray - they often end up being the 'winners'....

[CrSif]

The more I think about it, the more I think you are right. Especially with winter coming and all people do here is hibernate. Will discuss things with him when he gets back on the weekend. He did say that he wanted to buy me out but is also willing to move to an apt for a while and let me stay here for a while.

 

Thankfully I have a decent job and can actually afford to have this option.

[MsOptimist]

How are you doing, CrSif? Is anything new with your separation?

 

I am on my way out - husband is ready to get the divorce filed and I found a place to live (rent). I'm moving in 2 weeks - it's all happening so fast. But things are so tense and awkward at home and I'm kind of looking forward to that awkwardness being over. The roommate I'm living with now is no longer my best friend.

[CrSif]

Yes, mine is almost moved out. Tomorrow will probably be the last day he's here for a while as the couch, his books and the computer are pretty much the only things left here. I think he's sleeping there tonight, but i have no idea actually as he hasn't told me. He found a cheap place that doesn't even allow him to take his cat. Really? In that much of a hurry? It's hard to have him here, but it's harder to have him here and not be emotionally available.

 

So right now my house is in shambles, my animals can't figure out what the helk is happening. For me, I hope this helps. All this week i have been FUMING mad at him. I haven't seen him since Sunday and it was Sat, this new anger development happened.

 

He offered to go pick up my new bed so we drove across the city to get it. On the way back we had an odd conversation. Somehow it came up that everyone was asking me if he had someone else and he said that he did not. Then he went on to mention that "that's not to say that i wouldn't be interested in anyone." Then he goes on to say that it's better to separate than to cheat on the other person. Apparently he was telling someone from work that has many girlfriends that little tidbit.

 

Something in me just snapped. I was upset for about 2 seconds and now i just want to smother him with a pillow. (not really, but you know what i mean).

 

So this week I have been seeing MUCH more clearly. It's crystal clear that he has been gone for a loooong time (would have been nice to know this). He has ZERO interest in trying to make things work and i'm an idiot for even considering ever taking him back.

 

I can't believe that he THINKS he's emotionally CAPABLE of having some kind of committed relationship with someone right now (or ever for that matter from the stuff he's told me about why he's leaving). This is his 2nd marriage fgs. He figures he could commit if he didn't live with the person....i'm finding that scenario a tad hard to take as relationships usually move FORWARD...not stay at a standstill. Whatever. I guess that will be the next victim's problem.

 

It's not easy to deal with the range of emotions, but i'm managing ok. Last night i was actually in a GREAT mood. I couldn't believe it, first time since all of this happened.

 

Anger can be a very powerful thing. I had no idea. lol

 

I'm glad you are getting a place of your own. I know exactly where you are at right now. I was going to move, but found that when i went to look at places, i just lost it. Realized that he's had alot more time to think about all of this and that i cannot give up my house as well as him, so here i am (with a cat on my lap right now ). With my 4 furry critters. I think i'll feel alot better once i can get up the energy to organize and move stuff into the living room and make this MY house instead of ours. I took all the couple pictures down today.

 

I still have mini meltdowns, but they are less frequent. Usually at work or when i have a bath (my relaxation ritual). For some reason the bath just sets me off.

 

All i can say now is I hope he can't sleep at night. I do NOT wish him well. That's awful, but it's raw and true. I still can't believe he bailed, but it's getting to the point where i don't care (quite as much).

 

Are you doing ok with moving? Are you taking some of the pets with you? How are you holding up otherwise?

 

I went to a divorce group meeting and it was great...highly recommend it. It's only every couple of weeks (and so far i have only gone to one) but it's great to be able to hear from others. I found it interesting that 1/2 the people there were men and it was interesting to hear their side of things.