Mid Life something....

[CrSif]

Of course, now that he has a place, the buyout thing is not an option...unless I buy him out. I love this house, but honestly, it's too much work for me (corner lot, large place and alot of gardening to do, which i can't be bothered to do). The estimate came in lower than what we thought the place was worth, so decided to wait until spring to discuss, and I will stay here for now. i COULD buy him out, but I'm thinking that I will buy a smaller home on a smaller lot that will be manageable for me.

[MsOptimist]

I know EXACTLY what you're going through! That it's hard to have him there and harder to have him not there emotionally. The coldness was so hurtful to me. When my stbx finally said he was staying at his parents' house until I move I was initially upset - had several sobbing sessions. It was like the reality of it all set in. But now that it's been a few days since that happened I feel much better about it - more relaxed and focused.

 

I got pretty much the same conversation about him being interested if something happens to come up with someone. He said he will not put his life on hold - I had asked that he respect our vows at least until I'm out of the house and he couldn't even agree to that entirely. Come on - you're STILL MARRIED and we're actively moving forward with the separation/divorce. We're not fighting over assets, I have my place lined up - it's not going to take that long! If he's stupid enough to think that women are going to want a man in his situation (if he's honest that he's still married), he's delusional. I'm learning that it's not my problem anymore.

 

That's GOOD that your anger is coming out - my therapist just told me the other day that when the anger phase comes out that those emotions have to come out (in a constructive way, of course). He says to recognize all emotions as they come and to not suppress the emotion. It's necessary for all of the emotions to come out in order to grieve.

 

I have resentment and bitterness towards my husband bailing and leaving me in the house to pack and go through our things myself. I have other major things going on with my mom's health and healthcare right now, and he knows that. It makes me mad that he's off trying to pick up women while I'm cleaning up the mess that he made. But I know I'll be the stronger person for it in the end.

 

I know what you mean about not wishing him well. I want this to hit him someday (hopefully soon rather than later lol). He's really in his own little world if he thinks this will all just go away and he can pick up with more women with no problems.

 

I'm glad you are comfortable staying in your house - my lot size sounds similar, corner lot with lots of maintenance. That's one reason why I didn't want to stay there.

 

I'm excited but nervous about the move. Excited to settle in and set things up the way I want, but nervous being in a bigger city and on my own. I am taking some of our animals (birds and 1 cat).

 

One of the first things I plan to do when I move is find a divorce support group, I'm glad that was a good experience for you.

[MsOptimist]

Thanks for sharing, Barnacle. I know in my situation, I tried to catch my husband but he wouldn't let me. I wanted to work through our problems, get counseling, try to make it work. He didn't and only pushed me away - that hurt the most. He also said he doesn't think he ever really loved me - you said you knew you loved your wife, did you say such hurtful things to her, or things that weren't true? I don't know if what my husband said was true, but it hurt and I don't want to be married to someone who either doesn't love me or can say/do such things to me. If he were to come crawling back today, it is too late. Too much damage has been done and he's not willing to go to counseling.

[Yasuandio]

CrSif, from your post (#9)...?

 

 

 

Fixed that for you....

 

I think you're doing excellent things... but remember as I said:

Do them to release, fulfil and nourish you. Not for any other motive or reason...

 

The fact your H suffers from depression, is a big factor.

 

And I suspect that it will be for him, precisely as the song says:

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...."

 

And I think there will be times when he sits, on one of his escape-from-it-all road-trips - and asks himself precisely "what the hell have I done...?!"

 

His road-trips are his head-in-the-sand time. When it all gets too much for his mind to cope with, he turns tail, and heads for the hills.

It's a detachment which works wonders at the time - until he gets back and puts his feet back on the ground.

 

Discovering what the problem is, doesn't solve it though.

 

This is his method of coping, and nothing on this planet, or anywhere else, will change that - unless he activates it himself.

 

The problem is neither you personally, nor the both of you, collectively.

 

The problem is with him. Clichéd as it sounds, if he were to turn to you and say "It's not you, it's me" - I think it would be the most honest thing you could ever hear from him.

 

Don't even think about trying to uphold your side of this relationship.

 

Honestly? He actually 'booked out' a long time ago. I suspect he stayed and went through the motions of trying to keep it all together, because part of him suspected that it's what he should have been doing. Call it guilt, call it conditioning, I think his heart wasn't in it from the start.

And that's not your fault.

So now, you have to 'un-learn' how to be the wife that holds it all together.

You actually have to work at detaching from this relationship, and learning that you're in a group of one.

And petty, small-minded and cruel as it sounds - that goes right down to doing his washing, ironing, cooking and 'stuff-buying'.

And if you've always been in the habit of doing it - NOT doing it tears at your heart and gut-instincts like nothing else ever could.

 

Because when you guys DO go your separate ways - he's going to have to do all of it for himself, start to finish.

 

Ok, maybe he does all this already. Maybe he's already completely independent and can wash/iron/cook for himself.

But I bet at home you take some of that on.

 

Well, don't.

Not any more.

It'll kill you to not do it.

Something inside you will scream to do it for him, to carry on, to continue like you used to.

But it's not like that any more.

And you have to become accustomed to doing for you.

And you alone.

 

Time to get real, maybe..?

 

After four years of living on my own, I could never go back to taking care of him. Perhaps a few reasons. I have an illness now. And I don't really feel like taking care of someone else now. And I especially would not want to get back into the high maintence routine of my x-husbands daily requirements. You want a good laugh?

 

For instance, I don't have much laundry at all - since I stay so clean! For him - it was a few loads a day or more (he was so picky, socks in a separate load, underwear in a separate load, work shirts in a separate load, work pants in a separate load, "work-out" clothes in a separate load, etc.). And slamming food, meal after meal after meal. Oh dear - his diet - nothing could come from a can, freezer, or microwave - everyhing fresh. I made fresh homemade bread for that man 3-4 times a week. He would call in his order - as if this was a GD restaurant or something. And, naturally - I'd run pick up the fresh ingerdients - and knock out the perfect meal - with homemade oatmeal cookies.

 

It's all I can do to brew my coffee in the morning now! Much less pick up the dirty dishes (there is like 6 coffee cups sitting here on my computer table right now!). I really like the convience of frozen, microwave dinners, pizza and paper plates. I just drink the milk or orange juice out of the jug. I leave my stuff out, and my art projects are cluttering the whole house - because I like to start a lot of stuff - and finish it when I feel like it. On TV, we watch Judge Judy, Gordon Ramsey, Dallas, Dance Moms, shows me and the doggies like. I cannot see how I ever could go back to the way it used to be, with darn CNN or MSN blasting all evening long. It's just not possible.

 

Since the divorce was final this month, he's been wanting to come in and do a "walk-thru" to see if he left anything here. But the answer is a BIG NO. If he saw my systems in in the house, and my "New Decor" he would have a freaking stroke. Once you get used to doing things your own way, and you don't have to take care of anyone anymore, - there is no going back.

 

Single women are smart women. Some married women are married to the boss (that was true in my case). Yas

[MsOptimist]

At the time we separated, I told her that I wasn't sure what our love was made of, or if I knew if I ever really loved her, and that I thought I stayed with her out of guilt, and all kinds of other ridiculously hurtful things.....partly because I just didn't know. I crushed her, and I get sick to my stomach when I think of the things I said to her. She still brings them up, and she is clearly still hurt by them.

 

Guys get weird when things go wrong. Emotional distancing, moving on with other girls, acting like they don't care. Most of that is unconscious self-protecting coping mechanisms. We're not really even aware or cognizant of them. Then, time passes, and we find ourselves having drinks with a beautiful, intelligent and successful woman, listening to them talk but not hearing a single word they're saying, and then we just kind of slap ourselves on the forehead and say 'My God....what in the hell am I doing?'.

 

If you love him, and he wakes up and realizes how much he loves you, its never too late. I've been seeing a marriage counselor on my own, and I've told her about all of the things I've done, and how much I have hurt my wife, and she asked me if I loved her enough to put the work in to help fix it. I said, 'Absolutely', and her conclusion was that she did not see anything in our situation that was irreparable. Hopeful words from a professional.

 

Very interesting perspective from someone who is on the opposite end from myself. I still can't say that I understand it at all, but I am glad you finally realized what was going on and how you felt. My therapist has told me that the deep-seeded emotional and communication issues that my husband has will take very extensive therapy to work through - if those issues aren't worked through then the relationship will never work. As much as it hurts me, I'm cutting my losses and will try to eventually find someone else who is emotionally available. My stbx is still adamant about wanting the divorce so I don't have a choice really. And I can't cling to hope that he wakes up any time soon.

[TaraMaiden]

....

So right now my house is in shambles, my animals can't figure out what the helk is happening. For me, I hope this helps. All this week i have been FUMING mad at him. I haven't seen him since Sunday and it was Sat, this new anger development happened.

If I may say so, in my opinion, this 'anger' is better than feeling clingy, desperate, bereft, useless and in despair. This 'anger' might well be the propulsion you could do with to keep you pumping....

If you have dogs, let me know. As a dog behaviourist, I can help you allay your pets' confusion. Up to you. Just offering.

 

He offered to go pick up my new bed so we drove across the city to get it. On the way back we had an odd conversation. Somehow it came up that everyone was asking me if he had someone else and he said that he did not. Then he went on to mention that "that's not to say that i wouldn't be interested in anyone." Then he goes on to say that it's better to separate than to cheat on the other person. Apparently he was telling someone from work that has many girlfriends that little tidbit.

 

Something in me just snapped. I was upset for about 2 seconds and now i just want to smother him with a pillow. (not really, but you know what i mean).

Someone I know told a BF who simply refused to move out, but insisted on inhabiting her couch in an unemployed fug, playing computer games, "I don't sleep well at the moment; currently I'm fighting every waking minute, to prevent myself from giving in to the urge of taking a kitchen knife and stabbing you while you sleep..."

 

He was gone by the following weekend.

She wouldn't ever have done it - but I think to this day, he still couldn't be sure....

 

So this week I have been seeing MUCH more clearly. It's crystal clear that he has been gone for a loooong time (would have been nice to know this). He has ZERO interest in trying to make things work and i'm an idiot for even considering ever taking him back.

see... this is constructive anger....

 

 

It's not easy to deal with the range of emotions, but i'm managing ok. Last night i was actually in a GREAT mood. I couldn't believe it, first time since all of this happened.

 

Anger can be a very powerful thing. I had no idea. lol

 

...... i cannot give up my house as well as him, so here i am (with a cat on my lap right now ). With my 4 furry critters. I think i'll feel alot better once i can get up the energy to organize and move stuff into the living room and make this MY house instead of ours. I took all the couple pictures down today.

 

I still have mini meltdowns, but they are less frequent. Usually at work or when i have a bath (my relaxation ritual). For some reason the bath just sets me off.

 

All i can say now is I hope he can't sleep at night. I do NOT wish him well. That's awful, but it's raw and true. I still can't believe he bailed, but it's getting to the point where i don't care (quite as much).

 

Things will fluctuate. Sometimes you won't feel so good, but the fact that you can, is really positive and uplifting.

Inspirational.

[CrSif]

Yes I do have a dog. He seems to be doing quite well, that could be because the ex still comes around a bit. He does things around the house when i'm not here, like fixing the cable and installing smoke alarms (something he was supposed to do BEFORE he left), but he has finished all that up today. At least my dog is MY dog and doesn't seem to care if he's here or not. lol

 

This week has been strange with him leaving, and barely any contact. It's easier AND harder if you know what i mean.

 

I still feel like he's away on a trip or something....strange.

 

As far as I go, i've been to another group meeting (which i love). Great to get the man's perspective on things...and very insightful.

 

The more i think about things, i really should have seen this coming, but as i said before, I was just optimistic, thinking we were doing better and working on things. Makes me so mad that he never told me how he really felt. I find out now that he's been thinking of leaving me for 3-4 years. GAH! But i do realize that i WILL be ok and that at some point he's going to realize just what he lost, probably when it's way too late to do anything about things. Ah well, HIS loss.

 

I think I am doing pretty well considering how HUGE this blow was for me. I have actually surprised myself! The good mood the other night was so refreshing! lol Nice to know I still have it in me to be happy.

 

LOL at your friend. I did tell him that i was ready to smother him with a pillow. He said, i guess it's a good thing I moved out then....hehe

[TaraMaiden]

If we lived closer to one another, we'd go out for a drink tonight, and a meal, where we would eat every single wrong thing until we were stuffed.

 

I think we'd have a great time, and a really good laugh.

[MsOptimist]

This week has been strange with him leaving, and barely any contact. It's easier AND harder if you know what i mean.

 

I still feel like he's away on a trip or something....strange.

 

As far as I go, i've been to another group meeting (which i love). Great to get the man's perspective on things...and very insightful.

 

The more i think about things, i really should have seen this coming, but as i said before, I was just optimistic, thinking we were doing better and working on things. Makes me so mad that he never told me how he really felt. I find out now that he's been thinking of leaving me for 3-4 years. GAH! But i do realize that i WILL be ok and that at some point he's going to realize just what he lost, probably when it's way too late to do anything about things. Ah well, HIS loss.

 

I think I am doing pretty well considering how HUGE this blow was for me. I have actually surprised myself! The good mood the other night was so refreshing! lol Nice to know I still have it in me to be happy.

 

I completely understand about things being both easier and harder with them gone, that's how I feel. He doesn't come around much (and I'm moving out in just a few days), but when he does come around the would gets opened a bit.

 

Looking back I see signs that I should have seen this coming too. I don't think I ever wanted to believe that this kind of ending, or an ending at all, was possible. Isn't it funny what a little time and space do for the perspective of everything?

 

I'm glad you realize that you will be ok - I think you are handling this very well. I can be in good moods too and it is nice to know that I can be in a good state mentally. I don't want to be crying all the time and be miserable, I want to be happy.

[CrSif]

Ya, hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? Mine had been pulling away for ages, but before he left for his trip, things seemed ALOT better. I did ask him if he was planning to do this before he left. He said he had not, but decided while he was away. I hate that bike. lol

 

 

Tara...i would totally go for drinks and dinner.