Older MM, younger OW, will this work?

[swing8861]

I'm in a relationship that's a tad complicated. #1 We are both married, "seperated", but married to our spouses. #2 He is 50 and I am 24. #3 He has twin 16 yr. old daughters. #4 He is currently my boss. Now, seems difficult enough, yes. What is bad about this is his wife does not know, although they are not "together". They live in the same house still, for the sake of the girls however. The plan is when the girls graduate, they divorce. Does it seem likely for this to happen? I mean, obviously the secrecy for our jobs sake is a must, and to make the girls lives a little more normal is also a good reason. But does it usually work out in these situations? I would like an experienced member to reply on this one...although I'd like other opinions too....

 

P.S. I am also married but have lived seperate from my former abusive husband for over 8 months now. Just to know a little about my half. Neither one of us can afford a divorce at the moment, me or my MM, even if we wanted to.

[anne1707]

Things to consider:

 

 

 

 

 

• does his wife know they are "separated" ?
  
• the girls are 16, young adults, and would probably be better off if unhappy parents together actually did separate and divorce sooner rather than later
  
• if you think you will eventually end up together, do you really think you would be able to keep it a secret that you were seeing each other now - what kind of mess would that cause at work? with his daughters?
  
• are you prepared to lose your job?
  
• when you are 50, how do you feel about being married to a 76 year old man?
  

Edited to add:

 

So you and your "bf" are swingers too. You do have a complicated, almost unbelievable, life

Edited September 1, 2012 by anne1707

[quankanne]

will this work? Of course not. You're both committed to other relationships, to a point that "we couldn't get divorced even if we wanted to." I realize you mean that divorce isn't possible right now for X reasons, but this is an interesting Freudian slip. Because I think you know deep down entering an affair with your married boss is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea.

 

or, think of it this way: He has the best of you and his wife, but each of you will only ever have a part of him. Unless you're into bed-bouncing and you really don't care to establish a relationship with him outside a sexual one, this isn't a smart idea.

[Fitz]

I'm in a relationship that's a tad complicated. #1 We are both married, "seperated", but married to our spouses. #2 He is 50 and I am 24. #3 He has twin 16 yr. old daughters. #4 He is currently my boss. Now, seems difficult enough, yes. What is bad about this is his wife does not know, although they are not "together". They live in the same house still, for the sake of the girls however. The plan is when the girls graduate, they divorce.

 

There's good news and there's bad news.

 

The "good" news is that your affair isn't unusual at all. Often the man is older, and the woman is younger. Often the relationship is kept a secret from his wife. Often the affair starts from work, and it is not unusual for the man to be her boss or at least in a position of authority. Often children are involved and often these children are presented as reasons to postpone a divorce. I'd say your situation is quite typical -so much so that it is frankly "sterotypical."

 

The "bad" news is also that your affair isn't unusual at all. There are plenty of red flags in your story that do not bode well for the future of this affair (like using children as an excuse not to get divorced, like hiding from his wife despite the fact they "live in the same house for the sake of the girls", like your age...).

[losingmyground]

Here is a good way to find out if it will work. Ask to speak with his wife. You can do it on the phone or face to face. If I were you, I would do it face to face. Ask her if the are seperated? Ask her if she is ok with it? This will accomplish two things.

 

1. You will find out if he is actually being honest.

2. If he is lying, then she and you will realize what a jerk off this man might

just be.

 

Good luck.

[RickFox]

I'd say you're doomed to failure, plain and simple...oh maybe, just maybe some heartache.

[LoveTKO]

Are you really buying that story hook line and sinker about him being separated, but living under the same roof as a family for the sake of the kids? If you ask his wife she will probably tell you that, as far as she knows, they are happily married.

 

Manipulation and distorting facts is the bedrock of any affair.

Edited September 1, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spelling of 'facts'

[MissBee]

I'm in a relationship that's a tad complicated. #1 We are both married, "seperated", but married to our spouses. #2 He is 50 and I am 24. #3 He has twin 16 yr. old daughters. #4 He is currently my boss. Now, seems difficult enough, yes. What is bad about this is his wife does not know, although they are not "together". They live in the same house still, for the sake of the girls however. The plan is when the girls graduate, they divorce. Does it seem likely for this to happen? I mean, obviously the secrecy for our jobs sake is a must, and to make the girls lives a little more normal is also a good reason. But does it usually work out in these situations? I would like an experienced member to reply on this one...although I'd like other opinions too....

 

P.S. I am also married but have lived seperate from my former abusive husband for over 8 months now. Just to know a little about my half. Neither one of us can afford a divorce at the moment, me or my MM, even if we wanted to.

 

I'm not very hopeful for you...just being honest. You have way too many odds stacked against you. He's your boss, he could be your dad, his girls are teens, it's an A...the list continues.

 

Even if it weren't an A and he was just your boss and more than twice your age, it would still be unlikely to work. If he was not your boss but over twice your age and it wasn't an A...maybe you'd have a better chance.

 

I like older men but I know I could never seriously try to have a real relationship with a man who is in his 50s, with teenaged kids, who is also my boss. As mature as I am, I know that I want someone to grow WITH, 10 yr age difference would be the absolute upper limit, but someone a few years older seems like it makes more sense than someone 20 years older. if you were in your 40s and he was in his 60s, maybe, but I just think in your early twenties, you're at such a different space, you're still growing and learning, that it's a stretch and usually doesn't work out when you try to date men so much older. I'm curious about what he's thinking as well. I wonder if he sees you as a "serious candidate" or he's just an inappropriate guy, the cliched older boss using his position to take advantage of a, young, possibly naive, subordinate. This is a possibility, that he has no intentions of anything serious but wants the fun for now.

 

I'm sure at the end of the day too he knows it's not just about you and him and the kids moving. I'm sure he knows that if you become his legitimate gf in the open, his young adult daughters, his family etc will all have something to say about him dating a woman who (in their minds) is not that much older than his own kids. So it's possible that for him, he wants it to be under wraps so he can play with some young thing, but he'd never make it public, even after he separates with his wife, because everyone will criticize him...then when you add the story "and she was his employee.." then people will have more to say and I doubt he is stupid, so I'm sure he must realize this. Chances are he cares about his public image and that contributes to him wanting to have his fun on the hush hush...but not broadcast it...ever.

 

 

Plenty of other fish in the sea and this one just aint worth it.

 

.02 cents.

 

edit: totally bypassed where you said you're married also. Well that adds a further layer of complexity to it.And probably is even more incentive for this guy, as you're married, so you have as much interest in keeping it a secret as well as you're not as free (like a single gal would be) to demand he make you his out and out gf.

Edited September 1, 2012 by MissBee

[swing8861]

I am an OW (long term) and I'm happy in my relationship. I'm being honest... you may not like it but if you listen to it, it may help you.

Divorces are not made of platinum and precious jewels, they don't cost that much, so if you want one, you get one. It's probably not best to try and make excuses to yourself about that part... because you are going to need to be really honest with your own feelings if you want this to work.

 

I think that you need to find out if he's being truthful with you, because your scenario sounds "classic" in terms of lies that get told very often. 16 year olds are more than capable of understanding that Mommy and Daddy don't love one another anymore and have moved on, so it's a red flag for me that they still live together and he's claiming separation.

 

Ask him these questions, preferably face to face where you can watch his expressions:

Where do you see US in 4 years?

What are you looking for from this relationship?

What boundaries or parameters do we need to keep on this relationship, and why? (ie: if you can't call him... why not? If he's separated, it shouldn't be an issue 90% of the time, if he says it's only ok to call between 8:35am and 9:15* am then you know something's up. Discretion is one thing, hiding is another)

Have you had affairs before?

If yes, why is this different?

If no, then why me, why now?

 

That's a start, then ask yourself the first 2 questions as well as:

How long are you ok with being the OW?

If he never leaves will you be ok with that?

Are you content to know that there will be occasions you want him with you that he won't be able to?

Are you a jealous person?

How emotionally stable are you? (trust me, it will matter)

Do you want children of your own?

If you "wait for him" for 5 years are you going to be sorry you pushed back having a family and become resentful?

 

These are all very important things to think about.

You don't have to share your answers with ME, or the board, they are for you to think about before you go any further.

 

Age is just a number, and mostly not a deal breaker in relationships between consenting adults but the two of you ARE from different generations and that will come into play.

 

Also, he's your boss. Find a different job. That's a line that is only going to lead to disaster... I promise you this. Those always seem to end up the messiest.

 

As for whether not it will work, well... who knows? A lot might depend on the answers to those questions.

In my relationship we only work because we ARE honest with each other. I know he sleeps with his wife, I know they go off on little getaways together, I know he shares a bed, a home, a life and family with her. It's not "just for appearances" and I've made my decisons based on that. If he was telling me something else and I suspected otherwise or knew it in my gut it wouldn't work.

I think a small percentage of situations that present like yours probably do work out... but many more end up with a lot of heartbreak for a lot of people, so really, think this through.

 

 

I've been in his house hundreds of time to know they aren't sharing a bed. We spend probably 16 or more hrs per day together and the other few hrs on the phone...she doesn't know of me specifically but she knows he's with someone...especially when we are out most nights till 3 am when he went into work at 7am the day before. The daughters go to a private school that costs ridiculous amounts of money and if a divorce happened now, with their soccer and cheerleading careers, they might not succeed as well as if they had a "normal" home. As of right now I know atleast one of the girls have had numerous colleges want to give her scholarships for soccer. I don't know if any of that factors in at all...

 

I do know the whole working together thing is doomed. I've told him this a million times but he still wants me there....

 

The age part isn't an issue for me...I understand all that could happen and all that entails being with an older man. So age isn't an issue. I have thought about children, occasionally it bothers me, not gonna lie.

 

I was in a OW situation about 4 years ago...it was a terrible situation, home was broken because of it, still friends with the daughter but it was a horrible mess and I was a heartbroken wreck for 2 years during the whole process....He was still with her, for the longest time, then we lived together for about a year, then when I moved in with my Mom cause of money he started seeing her again behind my back. He lied alot and that's what ended that.

 

This time this MM is too honest....he tells me everything....sometimes things I may not want to hear....so for me I feel like it's a different situation. I understand the money, kids, job situation....On my part I have had literally no money or time to get a divorce....my Mom just died of cancer almost 2 months ago and we just yesterday got most of everything sorta together. I've had to take over her apartment, her storage, deal with the issue with her dying....she was only 51....

 

Which is why I say the age thing doesn't get me, I could die tomorrow due to my heart condition.....no ones promised a long life.....unfortunately.....

 

As far as him being there in the same home as his wife, I don't get jealous of that....cause I'm atleast 95% sure they don't want each other....only because of emails, phone calls I've heard, msgs....they just talk about whose picking up which girl and that's it...the seperate room thing also helps that conclusion. I only get jealous of other girls....

 

thanks for writing me, idk if any of this helps your opinion on it....let me know what you think from what i just wrote....there's alot involved i know but it usually is in these cases, lol

[Emme]

I'm in a relationship that's a tad complicated. #1 We are both married, "seperated", but married to our spouses. #2 He is 50 and I am 24. #3 He has twin 16 yr. old daughters. #4 He is currently my boss. Now, seems difficult enough, yes. What is bad about this is his wife does not know, although they are not "together". They live in the same house still, for the sake of the girls however. The plan is when the girls graduate, they divorce. Does it seem likely for this to happen? I mean, obviously the secrecy for our jobs sake is a must, and to make the girls lives a little more normal is also a good reason. But does it usually work out in these situations? I would like an experienced member to reply on this one...although I'd like other opinions too....

 

P.S. I am also married but have lived seperate from my former abusive husband for over 8 months now. Just to know a little about my half. Neither one of us can afford a divorce at the moment, me or my MM, even if we wanted to.

 

No amount of experience can tell you what might come. It's a risk you have to take.

 

You are an OW. You are selfish in that you are having an affair with a married man, fact. Even though you are selfish... Your post seems so selfless. You've catered to everyone in this scenario other than yourself. How do you do that, thats so kind of you.

 

24-50 Not a issue. If you adore him them you will be with him. You have a good several years of sex out of him before he turns to the blue pill. Just know he won't stay 50 forever.

 

Your issue for me though isn't this affair. Your issue is retaining your employment. In these hard times you don't have a choice but to ride it out. Have fun for 2 years or in that time seek employment elsewhere.

[mercy]

I've been in his house hundreds of time to know they aren't sharing a bed. We spend probably 16 or more hrs per day together and the other few hrs on the phone...she doesn't know of me specifically but she knows he's with someone...especially when we are out most nights till 3 am when he went into work at 7am the day before. The daughters go to a private school that costs ridiculous amounts of money and if a divorce happened now, with their soccer and cheerleading careers, they might not succeed as well as if they had a "normal" home. As of right now I know atleast one of the girls have had numerous colleges want to give her scholarships for soccer. I don't know if any of that factors in at all...

 

I do know the whole working together thing is doomed. I've told him this a million times but he still wants me there....

 

The age part isn't an issue for me...I understand all that could happen and all that entails being with an older man. So age isn't an issue. I have thought about children, occasionally it bothers me, not gonna lie.

 

I was in a OW situation about 4 years ago...it was a terrible situation, home was broken because of it, still friends with the daughter but it was a horrible mess and I was a heartbroken wreck for 2 years during the whole process....He was still with her, for the longest time, then we lived together for about a year, then when I moved in with my Mom cause of money he started seeing her again behind my back. He lied alot and that's what ended that.

 

This time this MM is too honest....he tells me everything....sometimes things I may not want to hear....so for me I feel like it's a different situation. I understand the money, kids, job situation....On my part I have had literally no money or time to get a divorce....my Mom just died of cancer almost 2 months ago and we just yesterday got most of everything sorta together. I've had to take over her apartment, her storage, deal with the issue with her dying....she was only 51....

 

Which is why I say the age thing doesn't get me, I could die tomorrow due to my heart condition.....no ones promised a long life.....unfortunately.....

 

As far as him being there in the same home as his wife, I don't get jealous of that....cause I'm atleast 95% sure they don't want each other....only because of emails, phone calls I've heard, msgs....they just talk about whose picking up which girl and that's it...the seperate room thing also helps that conclusion. I only get jealous of other girls....

 

thanks for writing me, idk if any of this helps your opinion on it....let me know what you think from what i just wrote....there's alot involved i know but it usually is in these cases, lol

 

My dad use to say to me, watch how people treat others, it's exactly how they'll treat you.

 

That 5% one day will nag at your brain and tug at your heart.

 

Why are you in her home 16 hours a day and reading her emails?

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Edited September 2, 2012 by mercy
wanted to add

[Ladydrib]

I'm in a relationship that's a tad complicated. #1 We are both married, "seperated", but married to our spouses. #2 He is 50 and I am 24. #3 He has twin 16 yr. old daughters. #4 He is currently my boss. Now, seems difficult enough, yes. What is bad about this is his wife does not know, although they are not "together". They live in the same house still, for the sake of the girls however. The plan is when the girls graduate, they divorce. Does it seem likely for this to happen? I mean, obviously the secrecy for our jobs sake is a must, and to make the girls lives a little more normal is also a good reason. But does it usually work out in these situations? I would like an experienced member to reply on this one...although I'd like other opinions too....

 

P.S. I am also married but have lived seperate from my former abusive husband for over 8 months now. Just to know a little about my half. Neither one of us can afford a divorce at the moment, me or my MM, even if we wanted to.

 

My advice is: DO NOT invest your heart prematurely. He can say he's planning to leave all he wants. And it could be true... But it could also be his way of telling you what you need to hear to get what he wants (I.e. lieing to you, just like a cheater lies to their spouse). Okay, so ask yourself, is this a risk you are willing to take with your heart? Or would it be better to wait until he really has left, and then date him? I know you want to now, because you are feeling chemistry or attention or something. But that can all happen later (if he's not a liar) and it will happen without sacrificing your heart. Don't lie to yourself. Follow your intuition. Protect your heart. Resolve the messiness before making more messes.

[anne1707]

I've been in his house hundreds of time to know they aren't sharing a bed. We spend probably 16 or more hrs per day together and the other few hrs on the phone...she doesn't know of me specifically but she knows he's with someone...especially when we are out most nights till 3 am when he went into work at 7am the day before. The daughters go to a private school that costs ridiculous amounts of money and if a divorce happened now, with their soccer and cheerleading careers, they might not succeed as well as if they had a "normal" home.

 

 

The daughters are not living in a "normal" home now. If what you say is true, he basically has no part in their lives. He is as good as non-existant to them.

 

Speaking as someone whose parents did divorce when I was a teenager due to my father's affairs (yes, that is plural although it was well hidden until dday), my brother and I were relieved when my parents finally split. Living in a house where there is such a breakdown in the relationship between the parents is hell for the kids. If the OM really did care for the welfare and well-being of his daughters he would not allow this situation as you describe to continue.

[ThatJustHappened]

I've been in his house hundreds of time to know they aren't sharing a bed. We spend probably 16 or more hrs per day together and the other few hrs on the phone...she doesn't know of me specifically but she knows he's with someone...especially when we are out most nights till 3 am when he went into work at 7am the day before. The daughters go to a private school that costs ridiculous amounts of money and if a divorce happened now, with their soccer and cheerleading careers, they might not succeed as well as if they had a "normal" home. As of right now I know atleast one of the girls have had numerous colleges want to give her scholarships for soccer. I don't know if any of that factors in at all...

 

I do know the whole working together thing is doomed. I've told him this a million times but he still wants me there....

 

The age part isn't an issue for me...I understand all that could happen and all that entails being with an older man. So age isn't an issue. I have thought about children, occasionally it bothers me, not gonna lie.

 

I was in a OW situation about 4 years ago...it was a terrible situation, home was broken because of it, still friends with the daughter but it was a horrible mess and I was a heartbroken wreck for 2 years during the whole process....He was still with her, for the longest time, then we lived together for about a year, then when I moved in with my Mom cause of money he started seeing her again behind my back. He lied alot and that's what ended that.

 

This time this MM is too honest....he tells me everything....sometimes things I may not want to hear....so for me I feel like it's a different situation. I understand the money, kids, job situation....On my part I have had literally no money or time to get a divorce....my Mom just died of cancer almost 2 months ago and we just yesterday got most of everything sorta together. I've had to take over her apartment, her storage, deal with the issue with her dying....she was only 51....

 

Which is why I say the age thing doesn't get me, I could die tomorrow due to my heart condition.....no ones promised a long life.....unfortunately.....

 

As far as him being there in the same home as his wife, I don't get jealous of that....cause I'm atleast 95% sure they don't want each other....only because of emails, phone calls I've heard, msgs....they just talk about whose picking up which girl and that's it...the seperate room thing also helps that conclusion. I only get jealous of other girls....

 

thanks for writing me, idk if any of this helps your opinion on it....let me know what you think from what i just wrote....there's alot involved i know but it usually is in these cases, lol

 

I'm so sorry about everything. It sounds like you're going through a terrible time right now and looking for a parental figure. I did the same thing when my mom was sick (she died when I was 24 too)..I started dating a man who was 15 years older than me (he wasn't married but he was involved with several other women throughout our on/off relationship). This man is taking advantage of your vulnerability for his own benefit. This relationship does not have long term potential..you're going to get hurt.

 

You should really consider seeing a therapist if you're not already. Leave the job, leave the man, join a support group. That's my advice.

 

Hugs.

[CarrieT]

On my part I have had literally no money or time to get a divorce

 

Okay, I am calling you on this one, OP. You have "no time to get a divorce" but you have time to investigate swinging clubs as outlined in this thread?

 

You are in some serious need of a course direction in your life if you are spending enough time on "free" swinging sites until they try to sell you something.

 

Your priorities are very misplaced if you are claiming a lack of time to take care of ending your marriage when dealing with your OM.

[swing8861]

For everyone who keeps talking about the sexual aspect...idc if things change in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, or even next week. I'm not into him for just that reason and I understand that's apart of life...I genuinely care about him. To Ladydrib, I know that's what is the best to do, if I had read this comment 9 months ago, perhaps it would be easy to change but now we're here and I idk what to do...it's tough cause i feel like he's being honest and upfront. Yet theres that normal, nagging feeling saying he's with others...torn....

[ThatJustHappened]

For everyone who keeps talking about the sexual aspect...idc if things change in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, or even next week. I'm not into him for just that reason and I understand that's apart of life...I genuinely care about him. To Ladydrib, I know that's what is the best to do, if I had read this comment 9 months ago, perhaps it would be easy to change but now we're here and I idk what to do...it's tough cause i feel like he's being honest and upfront. Yet theres that normal, nagging feeling saying he's with others...torn....

 

Not with his wife..and if he can lie to her, he can certainly lie to you.

[so_difficult]

Your questions are moot. Pretty soon your cheating MM will have a useless penis that is unresponsive to Viagra. This guy is on his last sexual journey and you are just starting yours.

 

I give credit to the MM for getting a young woman, but this si going nowhere.

 

Whether or not his parts work the age difference will definitely matter before long. In a few short years chances are he will start getting mysterious aches and pains, his skin will get droopy, he won't have the pep he does now and you'll still be a young woman. He'll start to feel like he's your grandfather. Sorry to anyone older here ... But you all know it's true. I'm approaching it myself before too long and have watched this with my parents, with many many friends and with my H, who is 10 years older than me -- and who is very active and fit. Father time catches all.

[SoleMate]

I do know the whole working together thing is doomed. I've told him this a million times but he still wants me there....

 

This is the familiar MM/OW pattern...OW has a rational thought, MM talks her out of it, she goes along with the insanity because she believes everything her MM says is honest and correct.

 

Look, op, if you are married to an abusive man, then you definitely need to fix your marriage (if fixable) or get out. MM may look like an "out" to you but trust me, he is not. You'd actually be better wasting your time in a sleazy swingers' club than having an A with this man because it's easy to walk away from the swingers' club when you get sick of its pointlessness.

 

If you stick with this A, get used to some new ideas: D-Day, bus tossing, shock and disbelief on YOUR part when all those loving words and promises turn to hatred and contempt and denial and dismissal (of you, by him).

 

Here is a better idea for you: His Needs, her Needs, Marriage builders, IC, possible divorce, find yourself for a while, then find a decent single man closer to your age.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm not saying it will necessarily be an issue, but sexual attraction IS important, and is one of the reasons relationships don't work out. It is best to make sure you at least think of it. Compatibility in the bedroom is more important than many people realize.

 

Then I won't disappoint.

I don't know why people are convinced that the MM ALWAYS lies to the AP. I'm not saying many don't. But when you already know all their dirty little secrets and accept them, there isn't a lot to lie about anymore.

 

Because they are already known liars. Once a person begins cheating or lying and getting away with it, for many people it becomes habitual. Sometimes it's for a reason, and sometimes it's just for the thrill of getting away with it.

 

I call bs on your theory that OM/W know ALL of their MM/W's dirty little secrets. Everybody has secrets.

[ThatJustHappened]

ESPECIALLY a MM. How else would they be able to snag and keep an OW on the hook without keeping "secrets?"

 

We never have sex. Never once been told that. I don't know how often they do, because that's between them but I know it's at least monthly, I think probably 2x a week.

We don't sleep in the same bed. That either, the only time they sleep apart is when one of them is sick with something like the flu or one of them is out of town.

 

We're like roomates.Nope, never been told that either.

 

I love her, but I'm not in love with her.Again... not something I've ever heard. He admits he loves her.

 

She's mean to me.Well she's mean to everyone, but he doesn't say that either very often and never as an excuse for his actions.

 

She cheated on me.As far as I know she's always been faithful, I'm pretty sure he belives she's faithful as well.

 

The marriage was dead before I met you. Not at all. Missing something maybe, but he's never tried to convince me of that.

 

I'm going to file for divorce once my kid graduates high school. Well if he does that'll be good for him, and I hope at that point he finds someone awesome to be with full time. [/QUOTE]

 

You make assumptions that everyone fits in your little shoebox. You shouldn't do that, because then you open yourself up to being wrong at least sometimes.

My responses in bold above.

 

Your situation is atypical.

[tami-chan]

e

 

Your situation is atypical.

 

My ex was a cheat many times over-when he told his GFs we were not having sex, it was the truth.When he told them I stayed because of our daughter, it was also the truth.

 

So, OP, your MM could very well be telling the truth, still...there is something very wrong with a way older man, who happens to be the boss having a sexual relationship with a way younger subordinate, who just experienced losing a parent and who is in the middle of a looming divorce. Very predatory and a major character flaw.