simplybrill Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 my stupid guy friend is ignoring me, hanging out with his guy friends more, its like he's hanging out with everyone but me- which sucks. He knows I just broke up with the jerk I was seeing, and he had like no comforting words...I think this may have to do with the fact that he used to really really like me, and I didnt want to ruin our friendship by dating him...and now its like he's ruining it because I wouldnt date him! So in his head, its like "date me, or wish you werent my friend, grrrr" Which now that I think of it, is pretty twisted... Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Maybe he's not punishing you as much as he's trying to get his own head straight. When you have an unrequited crush on someone, it sometimes isn't healty to be around them constantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 he's acting like he doesnt want to hang out around me AT ALL though. Its not like we're in each other's face all the time - he lives on the other side of town! And another thing, I make it a point NOT to flirt with him, especially since I found out he really liked me, so its not like im torturing him or something... can he really just not stand to be around me? It makes me feel horrible, especially because its like im literally all alone out here at University. Link to post Share on other sites
Max Overclock Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 What he is probably doing is attempting to save his own heart from breaking every time he sees you. He may have huge feelings/desires/love, that make even seeing you a torture similar to emotional death. Every time he sees you, his heart likely yearns for you. I know for a fact that this happens. Trust me on this. Max Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by simplybrill he's acting like he doesnt want to hang out around me AT ALL though. Its not like we're in each other's face all the time - he lives on the other side of town! And another thing, I make it a point NOT to flirt with him, especially since I found out he really liked me, so its not like im torturing him or something... can he really just not stand to be around me? It makes me feel horrible, especially because its like im literally all alone out here at University. You don't have to flirt with him, sometimes just being around someone is torture. If you've ever been involved in an unrequited crush you would know its no fun. The guy probably has his own hurt feelings to workout without having to help you with yours. If you really care about him as a person put your needs aside, show some compassion for him and give him his room. Link to post Share on other sites
Catlover Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Hi! I am new to this forum, and I have read all about your situation! I am going through a similiar situation with a guy friend of mine of 3.5 years, and there are a lot of parallels among two. You see my guy friend lives in a different state (we lived in the same city about 1 year ago) but he moved because of a new career. We keep in contact via email (mostly) and the phone calls are limited to when he is not busy with work. About a 2.5 weeks ago my guy friend called me and told me that he was coming to for a visit; he told me that he missed me and couldnt wait to see me, and that we would go drive around for a few hours and check out the old town. I told him that I was soooo EXCITED to see him and that I would make stuffed peppers in his honor. He even called me when he got to mom's house and confirmed that he was still coming for a visit. Last Friday morning I got an email from him stating that he could not make up for the visit that day, but he would for sure be here on Saturday. Saturday morning rolls around and he is not here at the time he says he would be, I call him up from my cell and he avoids all 3 of my calls, and then I call him later on again this time from home, and he hangs up on me! Can you believe that! I was so furious, angry, and dissapointed that I left 2 messages on his voice mail expressing my disapointment. I have sent him emails and left messages and he has yet to reply. So I am getting the cold shoulder from him now for about a week. I have gotten a lot of different perspectives on this issue and everybody has told me that based on our history and how they have seen us together in the past that they could tell that he was in love with me. I never saw it, in fact, I often said nah ... he couldnt yearn for me, I am not his type. Well after this incident, I totally believe that he is afraid to be around me because I know him inside and outside, backward and foward, and up and down, and that letting me see in his eyes, his secret will be revealed. Have you ever heard the saying, "the eyes are a window to the soul!" I just don't understand why guys are so afraid of letting a girl know how he feels about her? So Max has hit it right on the bulls eyes. thanks max....great insight. And oh...girl, I hope your situation gets better! let me know how it goes and I will keep you posted, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I finally got a hold of him last night on the phone-he was alright I guess. He did have plans to hang out with this new guy friend of his though. I could almost swear, its like he's trying to make me jealous with these new friends of his. Almost as if to say "hah! I do have a life, without you!" Its so wierd, it feels like we've broken up, and are in that whole "trying to be friends again" gray area - when we never dated to begin with! By the way, he has this destructive sense of humor lately that I dont like about him...he'll make like racist jokes sarcastically, and stuff, I guess in this goal to be as rebellious as possible. Which in my opinion is totally ridiculous!!! He's a white dude, and Im latina, and its like all his new friends are white males, and what - he cant help himself from making anti-women, and "mexican' jokes whenever im around? That pisses me off more than anything, because at some point, I wonder - how much of this is just him being sarcastic, and how much of this is how he really feels... Maybe the reason he hangs around these new friends is so that he can make all the racist, degrading jokes he wants, and they wont stop him? And when he gets around me, he doesnt know how to act?? Please! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 21, 2004 Moderators Share Posted July 21, 2004 What's the name of that Aesop's Fable where the fox convinces himself that the berries that he wants to have so much, (which happen to be on a high tree/bush out of his reach) are really sour, so that he doesn't want them anymore? Can't remember it...but... Even though he's behaving in a way which is most disrespectful to you right now, I still think (although I've been known to be wrong now and then ) that he wants you badly. I would also venture to bet that if he had you, this same dude would kick anybody's ass that would make a joke that brings Latin ladies' virtue into question. Bad form for him, but something makes me wonder if he's not trying to convince himself that he really doesn't want those berr ---- I mean, that he doesn't really want you. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 So... what do you really want from him? Be a pal? That'll be hard, given the circumstances. Go out with him and flirt a bit? You know he likes you, so that's not gonna be that hard . Just be careful not to hurt him, whatever you decide you want to take this relationship. Decide where you want to go first, then start making plans. Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted July 21, 2004 Author Share Posted July 21, 2004 I make it a point NOT to flirt with him, I know how much that would hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 21, 2004 Moderators Share Posted July 21, 2004 Brill, is there any other reason why you might not wish to start a closer relationship with him, other than the friendship possibly getting fractured? I am just curious because, if you guys get along so well as friends, what would there be to lose by potentially forming a loving relationship together? Think of it this way: You both might appreciate each other's companionship ten times more when you make a committment to being together as a loving couple. Even if things didn't work out for you as a couple, then hopefully you'd both be able to see that thing weren't going as you'd hoped lonnnng before everything just completely "exploded" between you both? Know what I mean? If needed, you both could take a break (as far as the couple relationship was concerned at least) to assess what went wrong, and whether you both wanted to continue being a couple, or just go back to friends. Now, of course, if you don't want him for a variety of reasons, then that's fine too. But be honest with your own heart, Brill. Do you have no feelings for him romantically? Judging by your posting, you appear to really enjoy being around him. Penny for your thoughts Brill? Curt Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 So in his head, its like "date me, or wish you werent my friend, grrrr" Which now that I think of it, is pretty twisted... I took this phrase as your considering that possibility, whereas before you weren't ! It's the "twisted" word that led me on! And please take into consideration that: A. I do read the whole post B. English isn't my native language. Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 CurlyIam : its ok, I forgot English is not your native language. Curt : Well his attitude lately is turning me off more than anything, because I know he can be a really caring, sensetive guy when he wants to be. This whole "whooo yea, lets be super metal" thing, is throwin me for a loop. Its like his defense mechanism against love or something. He's getting really into a bad crowd, smokin again, drinking probably, just very negative energy in general. This isnt really helping his figure, or his attitude. Its like he's changing overnight into this person I dont even know. If he did straighten up, and we did form a relationship what would there be to lose? Well, the friend Ive known since I was in highschool for one (he doesnt stay in contact with his ex's and he makes himself hate their guts after they've broken up- talking trash about them, wishing the worst upon them, etc.) - but I guess with him changing like this, Im losing that person I used to know anyways. If needed, you both could take a break (as far as the couple relationship was concerned at least) to assess what went wrong, and whether you both wanted to continue being a couple, or just go back to friends. I would really love for him to be mature enough at this point to be able to do that- but since his big breakup with his highschool sweetheart last year, I dont know if he's really open to 'working on things' in relationships anymore. With anyone but him, I think that would work. With the right guy that would work. I DO really really enjoy being around him, when he's not trying to live up to some stereotype or impress whoever. I dunno whats brought about this change, but I want my friend back. I want my friend, as my friend again. And Im still keepin my eyes open for the right guy. Link to post Share on other sites
catlover Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Hi! I finally registered to the forum. I recently posted a reply a few days ago. You see I am going through the similiar situation (different circumstances) as you, if you have not read my post already. Anyway...honey, the reason why he is acting so weird, is because it is a defense mechanism againt love. Some men don't know how to react and are sooooo afraid by love that they do weird and out of the ordinary things; makes us women very frustrated. I know exactly what is going on, my best guy friend is doing the same thing. I am also latina and my best guy friend is caucasion. Drop me a line, if you wish! Maybe we can chat more about this unfortunate situation we are going thru. Oh...and believe me, you will find your friend again. Right now he is just off in his own little world. Give him time to be weird, and eventually he will snap out of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 23, 2004 Moderators Share Posted July 23, 2004 Originally posted by simplybrill Curt: Well his attitude lately is turning me off more than anything, because I know he can be a really caring, sensetive guy when he wants to be. This whole "whooo yea, lets be super metal" thing, is throwin me for a loop. Its like his defense mechanism against love or something. He's getting really into a bad crowd, smokin again, drinking probably, just very negative energy in general. This isnt really helping his figure, or his attitude. Its like he's changing overnight into this person I dont even know. Hmmm ... I think you're probably dead on with that assessment. He's probably been hurt a fair bit, and is sorta turning to the "dark side" of his personality to avoid being hurt again. Either that or he's just acting plain immature. It's too bad when people get hurt and let it make them bitter toward love. If love were not painful on times, it would probably mean it wasn't worth the effort. Things that can cause pain are generally of great importance. Life is like that. If he did straighten up, and we did form a relationship what would there be to lose? Well, the friend Ive known since I was in highschool for one (he doesnt stay in contact with his ex's and he makes himself hate their guts after they've broken up- talking trash about them, wishing the worst upon them, etc.) - but I guess with him changing like this, Im losing that person I used to know anyways.I wonder ... what would happen if you were to do a sort of intervention on him. I mean, he does care for ya, right? I wonder how he would react if you got him alone, in the right moment, and talked to him about what you're seeing happen to him? You'd just have to be very calm and honest, yet unthreatening to him to maybe drill through his "toughened exterior" and get to the real feelings that he has underneath. That is, of course, if you're into making that happen, and you think it's worth the time. It's your call. I can see where you're coming from on why you'd want to avoid becoming one of his "hated ex's" at some point in the future. Of course, as you mentioned, it's difficult to avoid losing the guy you knew, given that he is taking on this "new" attitude. Strangely, on reflection, I can't help but wonder if attempting something like a relationship right now (if you're interested in doing so) might be as timely as any other occasion, given that there's seemingly less to lose should it not work. What I mean by that is, since you appear to be losing "him" anyways, it wouldn't make a whole lot of difference if you got into a relationship with him, fell out, and lost him in that way. It's sort of a "six of one, half dozen of the other" type situation ... know what I mean? Of course, the initial step would be to decide whether or not it's worth the while at all, and go for that "intervention." Sometimes, admittedly, time (and/or professional counselling) is the only solution to things when people get "turned around" in a bad way. How long has it been since his "morphing" into the "badass" started, brill? I can't help but think, given his past behavior with ya, that if you want to go for it, and you could get through that outer "crust" that he appears to have built up, you might have a great possibility with him. Let's face it, the best relationships (and longterm ones in particular, I believe...) come out of partnerships that start out as friendships. I would really love for him to be mature enough at this point to be able to do that- but since his big breakup with his highschool sweetheart last year, I dont know if he's really open to 'working on things' in relationships anymore. With anyone but him, I think that would work. With the right guy that would work. That might have been the break point for him, to be sure. Still, I mean, he's gotta get over that attitude when dating. How many of us have had our desire for a certain person quashed by something not working out? I'd venture to say everyone. How old is he anyways, brill? How about yourself - are you both similar in maturity, all things being equal? I DO really really enjoy being around him, when he's not trying to live up to some stereotype or impress whoever. I dunno whats brought about this change, but I want my friend back. I want my friend, as my friend again. And Im still keepin my eyes open for the right guy. Honestly, unless he goes through a "whiplash" back to his old self (and that might only be achievable by time, counselling or whatever) I doubt you'll ever get the friend you knew back per se. I wish I had more helpful direction to give ya! Anyways hunn, keep us informed as to what happens in either case. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted July 26, 2004 Author Share Posted July 26, 2004 Originally posted by Curt I wonder ... what would happen if you were to do a sort of intervention on him. I mean, he does care for ya, right? I wonder how he would react if you got him alone, in the right moment, and talked to him about what you're seeing happen to him? You'd just have to be very calm and honest, yet unthreatening to him to maybe drill through his "toughened exterior" and get to the real feelings that he has underneath. That is, of course, if you're into making that happen, and you think it's worth the time. It's your call. Hmm, not sure if its even worth my time, now. He's on my campus today because he's gonna be going here in the Fall, and we talked a little bit on the phone, he seemed ok. I think he's one of those chameleon people- when he's hangin around the wrong element, and left to his own devises too long, he starts adapting their behavior and attitudes. I know...we all grew out of that when we were 12, but you know - its proven guys mature at least 3 years slower than girls mentally in rare cases haha. It's sort of a "six of one, half dozen of the other" type situation ... know what I mean? Nope, havent got the foggiest...explain yourself How long has it been since his "morphing" into the "badass" started, brill? Hmm, well that's a tough one, I think it started when he was breaking up with his highschool sweetheart, because he would start rebelling against her wishes, doing all the bad stuff she didnt like him doing. Kind of like him, giving her the finger and going "hey, you dont have me whipped, I can do whatever I want!" And it's continued off and on, for the past year. I can't help but think, given his past behavior with ya, that if you want to go for it, and you could get through that outer "crust" that he appears to have built up, you might have a great possibility with him. Let's face it, the best relationships (and longterm ones in particular, I believe...) come out of partnerships that start out as friendships. There may be a possibility for love there. The funny thing is, for a period there he was acting, dressing, talking the part of a Metrosexual. (All this was post-breakup with the hs-sweetheart- so it may have all been in a desperate attempt to re-invent himself to break away from everything that reminded him of her, and attract new honeys)Yup. So now my family all thinks he's gay. He still has his tendencies, to buy things or whatever that will make them giggle, but I know he's not gay. At least if he is, he's doing one hell of a cover-up job. How old is he anyways, brill? How about yourself - are you both similar in maturity, all things being equal Im nearly 21, he's 20. When it comes down to it, when he's himself I can tell him anything, he's one of the few people that I can totally relax around, and say whatever with, and not worry whether or not he'll think im wierd. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 The only reason *I* would hang out with a girl (as a friend) would be 1. She does the same activity as I do (like snowboarding, hiking) 2. She is attractive but I do not consider her girlfriend material (as in not like your friend) just enough so I can bring her to parties/clubs and use her as social proof. Other than that, there's no real reason. You think I'm cruel? Nah you use men to replace the girls you could never make friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I wonder if maybe he's not being around you anymore because he was interested in dating you and that's why he hung around hoping the "friendship" would develop into something more and now that he knows it won't happen, maybe he feels there is NO reason to continue contact with you or pretend to be your friend anymore. Why keep pursuing him, hang out with your female or other friends and leave him alone to live his life w/out you!! (assuming that's what he really wants). If he really wants to be around you, he'll come around but if not then at least you won't be bothering him or pushing yourself on him and subjecting yourself to racist and sexist comments. I wouldn't want to be around that at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author simplybrill Posted August 9, 2004 Author Share Posted August 9, 2004 muchas gracias para su consejo! Link to post Share on other sites
sensor Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Hello there i sense that this boy is a very bitter boy when it comes to relationships and your right he is rebelling and also being very imature in his "i dont need you anymore attitude". The reason for all this horrible attitude is as clear as daylight HE WANTS TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOT JUST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!.He is probably feeling tortured by your presence just now and probably needs space. He may also beleive you have led him on or maybe expected something more would happen which may explain his attitude twards you.HE HAS BEEN HURT B4 AND DOSNT WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.In a way he is feeling rejected by you and is trying to do the same to you. Best course of action would be to give him some space, make more friends of your own. P.S Be honest with him about your feelings explain to him you are there for him if he wants to talk.Best of luck ! take care......... Link to post Share on other sites
o0lovindrama0o Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING: CALM DOWN!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts