Cyber situation

[AV771]

Hello, I'm a new member and obviously cannot talk about this to anyone in my 'real life' so I'm hoping to get a perspective or brutal honesty here. I'm a young wife (25) with an infant under 1 years old. I moved across the country with my husband and I live in a place where I know no-one and I'm a stay at home mom right now. Very lonely because of this.

 

One night while my husband was out, I went on chatroulette. I just went on the site to see what it was about and was not naked or anything weird like that. I met a man on literally the other side of the world and we chatted for hours. I told him I was with someone but not about my baby, as that is too personal for me to divulge. The conversation did veer into kind of sexual territory on HIS part but nothing happened. He was nice and we talked about lots of things. Until it did turn totally sexual a few days later and we continued to talk over Skype on webcam. I don't know why, but having someone to talk to and who saw me as more than just a mom/unromantic wife was almost addictive.

 

About 2 weeks into this (talking almost everyday) he asked if I had a baby, he said he figured it out it by things I'd say. I told him I did and we ended the call because it was very late in his timezone. After that conversation, he stopped coming online a lot. Told me he was just busy etc etc. I was definitely checking my phone for messages way too often and felt that our 'fling' was consuming my life. He would sign on occasionally and send one or two messages but nothing substantial. It has been about 3 weeks since this thing started and I have been putting my job as a mom/wife totally on the backburner for this guy who I dont even know and who does not care about me. Talk about pathetic. I sent him a message saying that I felt guilty and couldnt do this anymore and he has signed off and never signed on again. I cant help it but I feel like some idiot 15 year old who 'needs' this fantasy relationship and even though I "ended" it, I feel sad and way too invested in this. Any advice on how to get past this and if I should tell my husband about this??

[losingmyground]

I would not tell your husband....it would just cause a lot of hurt. This is a great lesson for you. If ever you get tempted again...think back to the guilt you are feeling. Or better yet, ask yourself how you would feel if he did the same thing.

 

I am in the boat you are. I moved half was across the country for his job and we are around his family. Things were not what I expected as far as his family and I being close. It has taken about 5 yrs, but I have made some friends. I find that focusing on my kids really helped. I also used my webcam to talk with my parents and sister at least 2-3x a week.

[AV771]

Thanks for replying. Because there is no one here to talk to, I sometimes feel like just telling my husband will ease my guilt and cause me to not talk to this man again. He has since signed back on but not replied to my message about stopping this. I know that if he disregards my message and continues talking, I will too. So I guess its good that he seems totally turned off that I have a baby.

 

Being away from your family and support system is so hard. I am sometimes bitter at my husband for bringing me here while he gets to go socialize at work, I am here with the baby alone. Plus we dont get along since having our baby. It's sad. It's only gotten so much worse since I started talking to this other guy.

[I'm nuts]

I believe you will find these kind of situations are much more common than you think, just because some one is married it doesn't mean they will live in eternal happiness and not feel lonely.

 

What has happened to you is an easy trap to fall in to, I believe this fella probably did like you and sussed out you was lonely, but now add a kid in to the mix and he has done a runner, as soon as kids are involved it's a brand new ball game, it can and will happen with two lonely, not fully happy adults getting close, but now a child is involved he has pulled the plug.

 

Forget it.

[strongnrelaxed]

I agree with the female poster above who suggests that you should not tell your partner. Not because I think you should lie, but because it would provoke a reasonable response in him and you would likely hold that response against him later. Then he resents you and you have more ammunition to resent him.

 

Don't waste either of your time.

 

You are seeking something and it has been my experience that there is nothing you can do to fix it. I know that the correct thing to do here is to offer supportive and happy words of support. I do not have those words for you. Some woman can do that for you.

 

But if you are going to get yourself into a better place, I would dig deep and find a way to reconnect with your deepest values. What is MOST important to you? If you value things like freedom, happiness, self-exploration, and discovery, then you are probably not best suited to marriage.

 

If you value partnership, commitment, shared sacrifice, couplehood, etc. then you should reconnect with those values and try to work it out.

 

At different times in our lives we have different needs. It is the luckiest of couples who can ride out these changing cycles of needs over the course of a long marriage. The rest of us have bumps or roadblocks along the way.

 

But one thing I think gets overlooked too often - our spouses cannot meet all of our needs all of the time. So this is why you should have a network of same-sex friends to meet those other needs. Your partner should do the same. It is good for a healthy relationship to have these outlets to help meet your needs when your spouse cannot. Things like commiseration, communication, fun, recreation, etc. We get so bogged down in the nuts and bolts of time sometimes that we lose sight of the deeper things.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Forget this guy. Change your skype account and block him from your email address.

 

Instead of sitting at home alone during the day, put yourself out there. Join a young mothers group this way you can get to know and spend time with other mom's with their children. Look up various programs (baby music classes or something along those lines) that you can go to once or twice a week.

 

Bring the romance back. Talk to your husband and let him know you're lonely and need him to pay more attention to you. Neglecting your duties as a mom and as a wife isn't a good thing!

 

Again, forget this online guy. He changed his mind once he found out you had a child. It was one thing for him to be flirty and fun with you knowing you were married, but it's another when one has a child. Maybe that crossed his boundry/line and he knew it was wrong.

[AV771]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt advice. I will definitely be rereading it because it brings up things I never thought about.

 

The other guy eventually responded to my message of ending it by just saying it was fun/nice to meet me, good luck etc. He hasnt signed back online and so its totally over. Skype doesnt send all messages properly so I keep seeing "new" messages that he sent me over the past week. For a few days, I actually felt upset about it ending. Ugh. I started feeling extremely guilty a few days later and my husband finally asked me basically "wtf is going on" and I told him what happened. I very much regret telling him because it alleviated my guilt but made him very angry and disgusted, he even talked about getting a divorce-- as our relationship has been troubled (hence my looking elsewhere) and this was the "final straw" to him. He took off with my phone and saw all the pics I sent this guy and was furious... Thank GOD he never found the pics he sent me. He had been drinking so I have no idea if divorce is really something he wants or what.

 

What a seriously horrible mistake. I was really selfish and stupid but its been a week and I still have this shameful sense of excitement regarding the entire thing but I do NOT want to start anything else like this again. I have a few guys on my facebook that I met in London/Aus in college and theyre friends but I can tell they would do anything I wanted and I have a thing for guys from the UK and I realized I'm just putting myself into the line of temptation and thats wrong. I need to clear these people out of my life and just fully make the transition from single party girl to wife/mom.

 

I could definitely tell that the baby scared him off. He lives across the world and was contacting me every 12 hours. So sweet, charming, definitely creating some sort of emotional connection and then he learned about my baby and totally distanced himself. I understand it and I know why he did it, he is actually a very solid and normal person. I have more respect for him and less for myself, actually.

 

Basically-- I need to get the hell out of the house with my baby and meet some people in this area. Idle hands...

Edited September 8, 2012 by AV771