crazy kate Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 Hello. I really need some advice about this situation, and though it may seem to incorporate elements of other posts I've read here, I would really appreciate a fresh, informed take on my problem. Thanks, in advance. I'm currently in a long-term relationship (4 years) with a very wonderful guy, my family loves him, the whole bit. Well, whenever I encounter an intelligent, good-looking guy in one of my classes, I start fantasizing about being with this new guy. I seem to do this at least twice a year. I feel like what I have just isn't enough. Just the prospect of having a new, exciting relationship seems to overpower the stability of my long-term relationship. But I feel so damn guilty for thinking of this new guy--and this one in particular is very attractive and intelligent (we're in a Creative Writing class and his work is really good). My first impressions of him just make me think about him a lot. And I just have an instinct that he does not have a girlfriend. My female friend told me not to feel guilty... that it's normal to check out other guys. But I am actually considering going up to this guy at the beginning of class, or whenever I can get an opportunity, and openly flirting with him. It's not easy at a commuter college, but I am calculating my approach to let him know I'm interested in him on Tuesday. It's like I can't help myself. The very idea of him possibly being interested in me too is putting a spring in my step. I find myself smiling for no other reason but that. Is this wrong? Should I be ashamed of myself? Despite my best efforts to convince myself that I'm not married and I shouldn't feel guilty (yet), I still feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend somehow. Plus, I really don't know that this guy is even remotely interested, but I'm ready and willing to strike up a conversation with him and find out. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Am I wrong for planning to flirt when I am with someone already? Is there something cuckoo in my head? Please help. I'm agonizing over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 1. Is this wrong? No 2. Should I be ashamed of myself? No 3. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? There's no way of knowing. You could be disappointed or he could be the man of your dreams. No guarantees here. Better call your psychic friend on this one. 4. Am I wrong for planning to flirt when I am with someone already? In a way, yes...if you are in a committed relationship. There is no problem with harmless flirting but you seem to really mean business here. We will discuss this further below. 5. Is there something cuckoo in my head? You would have to see a neurologist and get an MRI or CAT scan performed to determine this. It is very obvious that you are no longer wanting to be in a committed relationship and even more obvious that you are not happy enough with your current relationship to stop looking. Worse, it sounds like you are serious about acting on your urges. Nothing wrong with that but you need to free yourself up to do so. It takes maturity and timing to be ready to settle down with someone and be contented. Until that time comes, you will be excited about various members of the opposite sex and want to pursue meeting and going out with them. You are not ready for a steady guy...or this relationship you are in now has gone stale for you. You need to take inventory of your feelings for the guy you are with now. It seems to be that you need to free him to find someone else and free yourself to follow your urges to see other people. To allay any of your fears, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to other men and desiring to get to know them. But you need to be out of a relationship to do so without consequences. When you meet Mr. Right and truly fall in love, you will no longer have these urges and no longer fall for a new guy twice a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Louise Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 Hi Kate, First of all, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and very common. Men fantasize about other women all the time and women fantasize about other men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The fact that you are so tempted to ACT on your feelings, though, probably means that something is out of whack in your relationship with your guy. Do you feel that something is missing? Something is not right? Because if all was well you might be looking at other guys but not be so tempted to take action. And the fact that this has occurred over and over again would lead me to suspect that something has been a bit 'off' in your relationship for a while. What do you think? Is there anything that comes to mind? Another idea I had while reading your posting is that it may just be that your relationship with your guy, while it has not turned bad or anything like that, has simply run its course...? Louise Link to post Share on other sites
Louise Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 You said it much better than I did (below)! Louise Link to post Share on other sites
Been There Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 Dear Crazy, Unfortunately, Kate, I will not be as easy on you as the other two have been. Although I believe they are right on most of their points. These feelings you are having and so inclined to act on are typical of someone who is scared to death of being alone. At the expense of their partners feelings they tend to want to have a new relationship going before breaking off from the old one. It is immature and selfish to such a thing. If you are not happy and fulfilled with your current partner, FINE, you should not feel guilty about that. But either try to find out why and do something about it or just hang it up. Spare the fella some grief - if you are capable of it. That's just my opinion...but I could be wrong. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
crazy kate Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 Louise and Tony: First of all, thanks for your posts in response to my dilemma. I wanted to reply to your questions. I think that my relationship possibly has run its course for right now. Sometimes I feel like me and my boyfriend are just best friends who happen to have sex. And that isn't out of the question because we were friends before we started our relationship. I think that I'm depressed and upset about my feelings because there's so much attached to our relationship. I like his family, they like me, he's helpful and wonderful and smart and sweet and he's the only person I've been serious about. He talks about getting married and moving in together someday, and sometimes I'm really in favor of that, but sometimes I'm just not sure what I really want. But, as with a lot of other things in my life, I feel like doing what I want to do will upset other people, like my parents. I feel like I have to base this decision on whether or not they'll approve of what I do. I know my mother will be upset because she really likes my boyfriend. And I don't want to disappoint anyone, least of all my boyfriend. I don't want to hurt anyone, but then again, I don't understand why my feelings are so strong about someone I hardly know. I just feel like I have to go talk to this guy and see what happens. I steal little looks at him in class and now I've developed a full-fleged infatuation. And meanwhile, I'm feeling like crap and happy at the same time. Maybe I'm nutso but maybe I'm just free and 21 and it's time to expand my horizons. I guess my problem is that I feel guilty about expanding them. And I have no clue as to what might happen if I go up to this guy and strike up a conversation. But I think I'm willing to try, whereas before I wouldn't have ever considered it. I think I just want to experience so much more before I actually legally commit to any one person, and maybe I'm asking for trouble by wanting that. That's why I just had to post and get this off my chest. Thanks for listening. Hi Kate, First of all, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and very common. Men fantasize about other women all the time and women fantasize about other men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The fact that you are so tempted to ACT on your feelings, though, probably means that something is out of whack in your relationship with your guy. Do you feel that something is missing? Something is not right? Because if all was well you might be looking at other guys but not be so tempted to take action. And the fact that this has occurred over and over again would lead me to suspect that something has been a bit 'off' in your relationship for a while. What do you think? Is there anything that comes to mind? Another idea I had while reading your posting is that it may just be that your relationship with your guy, while it has not turned bad or anything like that, has simply run its course...? Louise Link to post Share on other sites
crazy kate Posted October 27, 2000 Share Posted October 27, 2000 Been There: You are absolutely right. I think I really dread not having someone there for me...because I've had that for four years. Someone who's lived right around the corner from me. And I think you are right that I should do something about this that will spare my boyfriend the grief. It's not easy being alone, not having that person you can call on day or night to come hold you. But maybe I'm fooling myself if I think that I can cling to him until I find a suitable distraction. And I think I'm going to do whatever I can to resolve this in a way that won't be underhanded. Thank you for your reply. It woke me up. Dear Crazy, Unfortunately, Kate, I will not be as easy on you as the other two have been. Although I believe they are right on most of their points. These feelings you are having and so inclined to act on are typical of someone who is scared to death of being alone. At the expense of their partners feelings they tend to want to have a new relationship going before breaking off from the old one. It is immature and selfish to such a thing. If you are not happy and fulfilled with your current partner, FINE, you should not feel guilty about that. But either try to find out why and do something about it or just hang it up. Spare the fella some grief - if you are capable of it. That's just my opinion...but I could be wrong. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Jim Posted October 28, 2000 Share Posted October 28, 2000 dd Hi Kate, First of all, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and very common. Men fantasize about other women all the time and women fantasize about other men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The fact that you are so tempted to ACT on your feelings, though, probably means that something is out of whack in your relationship with your guy. Do you feel that something is missing? Something is not right? Because if all was well you might be looking at other guys but not be so tempted to take action. And the fact that this has occurred over and over again would lead me to suspect that something has been a bit 'off' in your relationship for a while. What do you think? Is there anything that comes to mind? Another idea I had while reading your posting is that it may just be that your relationship with your guy, while it has not turned bad or anything like that, has simply run its course...? Louise Link to post Share on other sites
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