Fault all on the OW??

[wanting more]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town a month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

[anne1707]

I am quite sure she is also angry with her husband too and giving him grief. However her emotions for him will be all over the place as she also loves him (I assume) and maybe wants to stay married. Whereas you, and honestly no offence meant, will be an object of hate so with no conflicting positive emotions on her part she will not feel the need to hold back.

[losingmyground]

Because you took the easy way out. Instead of being honest with her and telling her everything, you gave one example. That is very easy for him to explain away. I told you before to send her everything. While it might hurt her, it gives her all the information to make a decision.

 

You need to realize that she is riding a rollercoaster right now. She will hate you to her core one day and then feel nothing for you the next. Also she has won in the end. She gets to keep the piece of crap. Consider yourself lucky. The truth is you did not care what she thought while the two of you were in the affair or after DDay 1. So why is it that care so much now?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Of course it's 50/50 blame for WS and AP....but I really think BSs shouldn't worry as much about the AP. There's nothing they can do and the person that really betrayed them is the WS. I was lucky that the OM wasn't really pursing my WW anymore and wasn't hostile, so I didn't really have too much issues there. I could see it being harder if the AP was very aggressive, unremorseful, or hostile.

[wanting more]

I do understand her obviously being pissed at me and hating me and I know I deserve they from her . I don't know what's going on over there or what he's telling her. One person says I'm vindictive for sending the emails another says I should. Yes I know there's not ONE way to deal with this and everybody has their own opinions. Yes I want him to hurt and be miserable but I also know she doesn't deserve this. (NO Alice I haven't sent an apology yet). But then I figure she has to know he's lying about some things but is still there so maybe she doesn't want to really know. I did have feelings for him, this A was 3 years and I am pissed and hurting also because of him. I am just so confused.

[beenburned]

WM,

 

As I said in your other thread, send everything you have so that she will understand just how bad he is lying to her!

[Furious]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town a month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

 

 

Did you cover for your MM on the first d-day? Were you both able to pull the wool over her eyes and then continue your affair.

 

If so, you gave your MM the power to manipulate the both of you.

 

Your MM, is now playing the same game on d-day 2, did he not expect you to cover for him the second time.

 

I think you both were played, and this man is portraying you as the evil unstable woman who is obsessed with him.

 

His wife is blaming you 100% for your part of the affair, and I'm sure if she knew the truth she would blame her husband 100% for his role in betraying her.

 

This woman has been manipulated, lied to, decieved, and you and your MM have schemed to deny her the truth. I find that you have no empathy for her, and then you are insulted that she is angry with you.

 

You have enabled her husband to deceive her and he knows you will not give his wife the truth, and that is his trump card as he rides the bus over you.

[wanting more]

I covered for him after 1st d-day. Yes I wanted the A to continue. Yes I felt "special" because he still wanted to be with me. Yes I know how stupid I was. Do I want to cover for him now, I did in the beginning because I didn't think he would throw me under the bus and blame everything on me. I didn't send the email to her because I was so pissed at him and figured I was doing it to hurt her and get back at him. I'm not insulted she's pissed at me. I'm confused why she's blaming just me. She has to know he's lying but she's not leaving or making him leave. I just figured she doesn't want the truth. She's staying with him after finding out we're still talking to each other. And yes he's probably assuming I will continue to cover for him. I'm not covering for him because I still want him and i personally hopes she makes his life living hell since he's still there.

[wanting more]

I realized she's choosing to believe all his lies.

[Furious]

I covered for him after 1st d-day. Yes I wanted the A to continue. Yes I felt "special" because he still wanted to be with me. Yes I know how stupid I was. Do I want to cover for him now, I did in the beginning because I didn't think he would throw me under the bus and blame everything on me. I didn't send the email to her because I was so pissed at him and figured I was doing it to hurt her and get back at him. I'm not insulted she's pissed at me. I'm confused why she's blaming just me. She has to know he's lying but she's not leaving or making him leave. I just figured she doesn't want the truth. She's staying with him after finding out we're still talking to each other. And yes he's probably assuming I will continue to cover for him. I'm not covering for him because I still want him and i personally hopes she makes his life living hell since he's still there.

 

 

 

No one knows what's going on in their home right now, but I would guess she is making his life hell. I would also guess he is bending over backwards with hand on his heart that he loves her, buying her flowers, giving her undivided attention and crying real crocodile tears as he defames you and convinces her you are a pathic and desperate woman who won't stay away from him, which you were kind enough to comply by consistently covering for him.

[wanting more]

i do see why i look like the crazy woman. i know he is over there making up to her and blaming me. i've always known i was wrong for continuing to stay in the A. but i did, and i do accept that responsibility. my feelings toward MM now are hate, i hate everything about him. and it is confusing to have such bad feelings towards someone with whom i loved. but she is also not acknowledging his part in the A, that i don't understand (and i'm not asking her to acknowledge it to me but her texts and emails show she is not holding him responsible). i've felt sending her the info is just to "out" him in his part of this A, which only makes me feel better that she knows. i really dont' think she wants it. how does a woman who finds out her H is still seeing the OW a year after d-day stay, and believe his lies.

[wanting more]

you make very valid points. i am walking away from all of it. confused, hurt, pissed off, and it is mostly at myself (but yes still him also) because i let it go on. i know i'm a big girl. and they were my choices, very bad choices, but my choices

[mercy]

I realized she's choosing to believe all his lies.

 

As you chose to intrude on her life, her marriage. Sure he invited you in, but that still doesn't change the fact that you are an intruder. You aided and abetted him. You are an accomplice.

 

We all make choices, we are all responsible for our choices. You decided to have an affair with her h. She's deciding to hate you for it.

 

Great men don't have affairs. Kind, loving, upstanding men don't have affairs. Sick, needy, troubled men have affairs. I think you're seeing that and I think you're more mad at yourself than you are at him.

 

Tell more, don't tell more, those are more choices you'll have to make and live with.

 

Just worry about today and what you are going to choose to do today.

 

He has shown you what kind of man he is. Now what are you going to do with that information? I say time to reflect on who and what you want to be. Choose to be free, choose peace.

[mercy]

I realized she's choosing to believe all his lies.

 

In the whole scheme of things it really doesn't matter what she believes or doesn't believe. You know the truth, right? That's what matters.

 

If it bothers you so much, give her the truth. And that will be that with that.

[Spark1111]

I realized she's choosing to believe all his lies.

 

So, she is NO different from you.

 

You, because you loved him, CHOSE to believe his lies about her.

 

She, probably in love with him no matter what he said to you, is CHOOSING to believe all his lies about you, JUST LIKE YOU believed his lies about her.

 

It is that simple.

 

That is how the triangle works: one woman is a hero/victim and one is a villain and the MM is the puppetmaster pulling all the strings.

 

Just like she will never know all the details of the affair, you will never know all the details of the marriage.

 

The MM is the ONLY one in the affair triangle who knows it all and sure as hell is not telling the truth to either woman.

 

WHY should she believe you? You would have never believed her if she told you they had sex twice a week, or you weren't the only woman she discovered he was talking to at dday, would you?

 

Of course not. You would have told yourself she was lying because you were in love with her man, and of course, he never lies to you, his one true love.

 

She is NOW feeling exactly the same way about you as you did or would have about her.

 

You certainly can understand that, no?

[Spark1111]

No...I know deep down you have an opinion. That is all.

 

See my post above.

 

We, BSs and OWs, are more alike than you ill admit.

 

We love the same man.

 

It blinds us to all his lies about both of us.

 

He wants it that way.

[Spark1111]

Of course bw blames ow, it's the only way see can justify staying with her WH without seeing herself as a weak pathetic person, it's very sad. You can send her all the proof in the world and she is gonna look the other way. If you leave him and live your life you will be fine because chances are your a stronger woman. She on the other hand can never ever trust him again and he'll get tired of being with a broken woman , even though he's the one that "broke" her. In my opinion if a wife stays with a WH and he continues the behaviours she can either leave or stick her head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect. All the bw on this site can jump all over me but you know deep down I'm right. And yes I am the ow, which means only woman lmao.

 

And of course the ow never sees her MM as the weak, pathetic man she is in love with; staying with him throughout months, sometimes years of marriage and false promises and excuses as to why he can't leave yet, but can you wear that lace bra set I like so much tonight, maybe when I stop by after....fill in the blank for two hours max?. (lmao)

 

IF THAT ISN"T sticking your head in the sand and being broken, I do not what is!

 

If you love him, it is oh so empowering. You are really special.

 

But if his spouse loves him, she is broken and he is sad and pathetic.

 

You must be kidding?

[Spark1111]

Yet here is OW a year after d-day still involved with him and believing he would protect her at all cost. Isn't it the same type of lie that is being believed? The lie that he has both their best interest at heart?

 

My point exactly!

 

But they are special and unique and empowered.

 

We are sad and broken and stupid......for LOVING and believing in THE SAME MAN.

 

Go figure...(scratching my head....)

[wanting more]

What you're saying about both of us believing what we wanted from him. But I never thought of her as sad or broken or stupid. Yes I did feel special because of what he was "risking" by still wanting to be with me. Today I feel stupid for believing him and letting myself accept what I thought he was, (in my own mind) and feeling for him what I feel. I feel stupid and broken and embarrassed for letting myself continue. (NO I'm not trying to make myself the victim and if it sounds like I am I do apologize, I'm not looking for anyone's sympathy, I'm just trying to figure out my feelings) When I think of BW I do feel bad for what I've done I expected to hear the ugly words and blame ( not ALL towards me though) and I guess I just don't understand the "he had no part in this" I know he's playing the innocent in here and has played us both. I can walk away from this and over time hopefully it will become a regret that I learned from.

[mercy]

What you're saying about both of us believing what we wanted from him. But I never thought of her as sad or broken or stupid. Yes I did feel special because of what he was "risking" by still wanting to be with me. Today I feel stupid for believing him and letting myself accept what I thought he was, (in my own mind) and feeling for him what I feel. I feel stupid and broken and embarrassed for letting myself continue. (NO I'm not trying to make myself the victim and if it sounds like I am I do apologize, I'm not looking for anyone's sympathy, I'm just trying to figure out my feelings) When I think of BW I do feel bad for what I've done I expected to hear the ugly words and blame ( not ALL towards me though) and I guess I just don't understand the "he had no part in this" I know he's playing the innocent in here and has played us both. I can walk away from this and over time hopefully it will become a regret that I learned from.

 

We all have regrets. We've all had our hearts broke. And I believe you are going to learn many good lessons from all of this. You are on the road to becoming a stronger better person.

 

Comfort yourself, no need to call yourself names. Give yourself what others can't/won't. I'm sure you have some great qualities you can focus on. Right? Right.

[SidLyon]

I've noticed on LS that it's a common misconception that when a BW chooses to reconcile, after a d-day, the BW is putting all (ie 100%) of the blame on the OW.

 

I can see how this misconception arises when a BW contacts an OW after d-day; full of blame, recriminations and other hateful stuff.

 

As a BW who did contact the OW, I can say that there is no way she got 100% of my blame for the A. It's just that she was unaware of what was going on in my home/marriage after d-day because my fWH had thrown her under the bus, in what turned out to be a very typical manner.

 

Even if some MM are still in contact with the OW after d-day (again not uncommon) it seems fairly typical that he portrays that his BW is laying all the blame on the OW. I doubt it's ever true, but I see how the OW might think it.

[Steen719]

I did blame the OW for her part in it. She knew he was married, she was married and so how could she be blameless? She believed his lies and he did lie about me, our marriage and who knows what else? But, I blamed my XH far more than I did her. I didn't know her and she had made no promises to me. He did. They should have ended up together - they deserved each other! lmao

 

In reality, I ended up feeling much less acrimony towards her than my XH. Had I stayed with him, I might feel more threatened by her, well I guess, I almost certainly would for a while. My real feelings are that OW have mostly stolen time and liars for boyfriends. It is harder for me to be angry with someone I feel sorry for.

[Steen719]

 

As a BW who did contact the OW, I can say that there is no way she got 100% of my blame for the A. It's just that she was unaware of what was going on in my home/marriage after d-day because my fWH had thrown her under the bus, in what turned out to be a very typical manner.

 

Even if some MM are still in contact with the OW after d-day (again not uncommon) it seems fairly typical that he portrays that his BW is laying all the blame on the OW. I doubt it's ever true, but I see how the OW might think it.

 

Oh yeah, he blamed her. That was amusing to me - really, it was all her? Stupid, stupid man.

[thomasb]

My wife never laid all the blame on the OW for the affair. She laid that burden directly at my feet where it belonged.

But we both laid the blame on the OW for her vindictive behavior post affair.

The OW did not see the long sessions of anger, tears, and hours long conversations we had for months afterwards. Just as she did not sleep between us in our bed to see the lovemaking that she assumed was not occurring, she was not there for the reconciliation talks either.

[LadyElaine]

Of course the OW doesn't deserve all of the blame, but she certainly deserves some of it.

 

Send all of the proof then walk away. Just get it over with and you'll know that it was the right thing to do at the end of the day. Not sending everything is still protecting the MM.

 

This. As a betrayed wife no way would I let an Ow see into my marriage. The distorted lies about it and glimpses he gave her were bad enough. She has no right to know. I do have a right to know.

 

So while I was furious with H and give him hell, no way would I say that to her. I didn't tell her I'd thrown him out. I gave her nothing. I don't think you will ever know what blame she puts on him, it's none of your business.

 

But you deserve 100% of the blame for being in an affair with him. So isn't that enough to be going on with? Why don't you feel mortified? Why don't you feel utterly ashamed of what you did? Why did you drive the getaway car for a man destroying his wife's dignity, self esteem and in a significant way, life?

 

You chose an affair with a MM. You were complicit and earned sadness and grief. All she did was trust him. You were always in a position to know he was a liar. She wasn't. Don't you think that keeping her in the dark is reason enough to blame you? I do.