Fault all on the OW??

[waterwoman]

No, she doesn't deserve all the blame. In fact deserves less than the H who strayed, But if you think about it's obvious why she says that.

 

1. She loves her H - even if at this precise moment she hates his guts, she still loves him. If she turned all her rage and pain on him alone there's be no relationship left at the end of it.

2. In trauma she is turning to the familiar. She presumably has known her H for many many years - his is the face that has been there when all the significant events in her life happened. It's hard to rend apart someone who has been a constant presence and who is the thing you turn to for stability in a world that has turned over.

3. If she beleives he was more to blame that implies he as disatisfied with her. That's hard to accept beleive me. Painting you as the scarlet woman that stole him away is easier.

4. If she beleives he was more to blame it calls her judgement into question.

 

So it's all about self-preservation. Do you honestly blame her?

 

When I found out first I was so so very angry and hurt . I felt anyone who touched me would spontaneously combust. At that time if I had seen her I think I'd have belied my peacable nature and ripped her limb from limb! But I am calmer now and I realise I was wrong about her and where the blame lay. But I'm sure if you think about it you can see why I felt that way?

[Summer Breeze]

My wife never laid all the blame on the OW for the affair. She laid that burden directly at my feet where it belonged.

But we both laid the blame on the OW for her vindictive behavior post affair.

The OW did not see the long sessions of anger, tears, and hours long conversations we had for months afterwards. Just as she did not sleep between us in our bed to see the lovemaking that she assumed was not occurring, she was not there for the reconciliation talks either.

 

That was me as well thomasb. XH got all the blame and still does. All that mattered was that he cheated. It wouldn't have been better or easier if it had been a ONS. He cheated. Nothing else ever mattered to me and his OW, now W, never mattered either. He took every bit of love and our lives together and ripped it all to shreds. Who with didn't change what he did or how I reacted.

 

I completely agree that if an AP keeps at it and doesn't accept it's over then all bets are off and they're asking for the hate. I'm fine with wanting some closure and probably making weak decisions trying to get it but when I read about your xOW and frozensprouts lunatic xOW I can agree they deserve a whole lot of bad feelings from all parties.

[Spark1111]

That was me as well thomasb. XH got all the blame and still does. All that mattered was that he cheated. It wouldn't have been better or easier if it had been a ONS. He cheated. Nothing else ever mattered to me and his OW, now W, never mattered either. He took every bit of love and our lives together and ripped it all to shreds. Who with didn't change what he did or how I reacted.

 

I completely agree that if an AP keeps at it and doesn't accept it's over then all bets are off and they're asking for the hate. I'm fine with wanting some closure and probably making weak decisions trying to get it but when I read about your xOW and frozensprouts lunatic xOW I can agree they deserve a whole lot of bad feelings from all parties.

 

And I, as the third, say thank you for that!

 

Not all OW are alike.

 

I had only empathy for her as I assumed she believed the same lies I did.

 

It was over time I learned how she actively worked to have him hate and leave me for her. NEVER missed an opportunity to disparage me, a woman she did not know and later, refused to know.

 

Today, she may be the only person on the planet who chooses to hate me.

 

Forget the stalking, the animosity, the delusions she still holds.

 

I feel sorry for her, so I guess....I have healed from it all.

[frozensprouts]

That was me as well thomasb. XH got all the blame and still does. All that mattered was that he cheated. It wouldn't have been better or easier if it had been a ONS. He cheated. Nothing else ever mattered to me and his OW, now W, never mattered either. He took every bit of love and our lives together and ripped it all to shreds. Who with didn't change what he did or how I reacted.

 

I completely agree that if an AP keeps at it and doesn't accept it's over then all bets are off and they're asking for the hate. I'm fine with wanting some closure and probably making weak decisions trying to get it but when I read about your xOW and frozensprouts lunatic xOW I can agree they deserve a whole lot of bad feelings from all parties.

 

 

Personally, I go between feeling indifferent towards her, to being upset at her, to feeling pity for her...it seems she has some mental health issues and is probably, at her core, a very sad and broken person....always looking for whatever it is that it will take to fill the emptiness inside her...sadly, I don't think anything ever will.

[woinlove]

Of course bw blames ow, it's the only way see can justify staying with her WH without seeing herself as a weak pathetic person, it's very sad. You can send her all the proof in the world and she is gonna look the other way. If you leave him and live your life you will be fine because chances are your a stronger woman. She on the other hand can never ever trust him again and he'll get tired of being with a broken woman , even though he's the one that "broke" her. In my opinion if a wife stays with a WH and he continues the behaviours she can either leave or stick her head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect. All the bw on this site can jump all over me but you know deep down I'm right. And yes I am the ow, which means only woman lmao.

 

"only woman lmao"?? Do you really think you are the only woman in MM's life and you are lyao at BWs who think otherwise? And you talk about other people being sad. I haven't seen many sadder posts around here recently. Take a look inside because your post seems to be projecting. Bitterness drips from your post.

Edited September 2, 2012 by woinlove

[LadyElaine]

I covered for him after 1st d-day. Yes I wanted the A to continue. Yes I felt "special" because he still wanted to be with me. Yes I know how stupid I was. .

 

But don't you see it wasnt just stupid for you, it was cruel to her? If 2 people murder your soul you don't say one did it more so don't blame the other one.

[LadyElaine]

And I, as the third, say thank you for that!

 

Not all OW are alike.

 

I had only empathy for her as I assumed she believed the same lies I did.

 

It was over time I learned how she actively worked to have him hate and leave me for her. NEVER missed an opportunity to disparage me, a woman she did not know and later, refused to know.

 

Today, she may be the only person on the planet who chooses to hate me.

 

Forget the stalking, the animosity, the delusions she still holds.

 

I feel sorry for her, so I guess....I have healed from it all.

 

See spark I don't get this at all. Who cares even of she was lied to and believed it? Unless he literally presented himself as single, it's irrelevant. She knew he was married/attached. She knew enough not to talk to his "ex". She therefore knew enough to know she shouldn't be doing it.

 

I don't care what lies he told her. The only relevant facts were ones she knew.

 

So I have no pity for anyone except one who literally thought he was single.

 

She knew she was ripping another woman's life apart and she did it for her selfish pleasure, whether that's sex or lurve.

 

She deserves equal blame for those reasons. He was married to me so he had some reason for negative ad well as positive feelings - everyone does because no marriage is perfect. To her I was a stranger. She had no reason to hurt me at all bit did it anyway.

 

Which is why I feel no guilt whatsoever for taking her life apart. She lost her H, her kids, her job and her family and friends respect. I will not lie. I take great solace and even pleasure in that. He desered every stab she got. Difference is I did not.

 

Water woman you do us a disservice. I do not let my H off just because I blame the OW. He is 100% responsible for letting her in. He isn100% responsible for betraying promises to me. Those are different offenses. She's still 100% to blame for having her hand in the cookie jar.

 

It isn't projection, it is clear sighted to blame the OW equally.

Edited September 2, 2012 by LadyElaine

[Spark1111]

I understand your thinking, I do.

 

I soooo loved my H, I figured she had to be something like me.

 

I empathized with her, I did, knowing she was a D mother raising a difficult child. That is lonliness personified, and I imagine she believed his bs...because she needed to.

 

Imagine my shock to learn how deeply she hated her xH....the one who divorced her to marry his last AP... exit affair.

 

When I finally called her, over two years after dday when she broke NC to see if he would be interested in initiagint the affair again, I told her I had but one question to ask her:

 

Woman to woman, here is the one thing I could never wrap my head around: How could you do to ME EXACTLY what had been done to you?

 

YOU alone know the pain of that. How could you do that to ME?

 

Literally, she started screaming, then moaning, then hyperventilating.....

 

Today, I pity her. Wouldn't you?

 

My H's affair had less to do with him then it did some woman who needed to empower herself against me, a woman who took the place of her H's last affair partner.

 

Pathological, but not personal, even though if felt that way.

 

KWIM?

 

She wanted what I had, even though she couldn't walk a mile in my shoes.

 

I feel sorry for her, and my H who deluded himself into thinking she wanted him. She didn't. She wanted my life.

 

And you can't have that without EARNING it.

[mercy]

Personally, I go between feeling indifferent towards her, to being upset at her, to feeling pity for her...it seems she has some mental health issues and is probably, at her core, a very sad and broken person....always looking for whatever it is that it will take to fill the emptiness inside her...sadly, I don't think anything ever will.

 

Same with me frozensprouts, same with me..... I just pity her.

 

Ten years later, ten years older and she is still the same. Sad.

[DBella]

Did you cover for your MM on the first d-day? Were you both able to pull the wool over her eyes and then continue your affair.

 

If so, you gave your MM the power to manipulate the both of you.

 

Your MM, is now playing the same game on d-day 2, did he not expect you to cover for him the second time.

 

I think you both were played, and this man is portraying you as the evil unstable woman who is obsessed with him.

 

His wife is blaming you 100% for your part of the affair, and I'm sure if she knew the truth she would blame her husband 100% for his role in betraying her.

 

This woman has been manipulated, lied to, decieved, and you and your MM have schemed to deny her the truth. I find that you have no empathy for her, and then you are insulted that she is angry with you.

 

You have enabled her husband to deceive her and he knows you will not give his wife the truth, and that is his trump card as he rides the bus over you.

 

Wow this is the perfect description of what I went through. Yes, I hated the OW with a passion and I felt she deserved a lot of the blame. I wish she would had told me the truth when I tried to contact her over the phone and through facebook but instead, she remained quiet and gave my H the opportunity to lie over more things.

[DBella]

Of course bw blames ow, it's the only way see can justify staying with her WH without seeing herself as a weak pathetic person, it's very sad. You can send her all the proof in the world and she is gonna look the other way. If you leave him and live your life you will be fine because chances are your a stronger woman. She on the other hand can never ever trust him again and he'll get tired of being with a broken woman , even though he's the one that "broke" her. In my opinion if a wife stays with a WH and he continues the behaviours she can either leave or stick her head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect. All the bw on this site can jump all over me but you know deep down I'm right. And yes I am the ow, which means only woman lmao.

 

I have to disagree with some of this. To some of us proofs are crucial and if we don't have enough, men can trick us into thinking that nothing happened, the OW is just obsessed with him, his email account got hacked, blah, blah, blah... You see before I discovered my husband's A there were some red flags but somehow he managed to find a reasonable explanation for everything so I thought, well maybe I am paranoid for no reason and yes, I guess I chose to look the other way after seeing the red flags because after so many years of being married, having our little kids, being great friends to each other and so on it was hard for me to believe that he might be cheating. Good thing one day the opportunity to find out if he was cheating got presented to me right in front of my eyes, otherwise I would have been living a lie. But I can tell you that even after I discovered the A, he tried to lie even more. He said that one of his hacker friends got a hold of his password and was the one sending messages online to the OW. What else? He also said that this OW was a groupie and extremely obsessed with him. Pretty much he tried to make it look like the world had a conspiracy going on against our marriage (yeah, right). I'm sorry if I sound condescending or insulting but I do think that it is pathetic for the OW to make herself believe she is that only true, special love of his live or that she's rescuing him from some "trapped" marriage, when in reality that's not even the case. Men will tell you whatever so they can get their piece of cake. With that said, you should always tell the truth to the BW when she asks about facts that way you don't allow the WH to lie or cover things.

[Sauron]

Not a BW, I am a MM but I have a OW and I wouldn't blame her for any of it or throw her under the bus. She has no dog in the hunt so to speak. She is single and had some needs that aligned with mine, we have a realtionship that has lasted for almost 7 years. It's all on the man/husband, if he is not taking 100% accountability with his wife he is wimp. I was caught with my wife's best friend and owned up to it all and told her I seduced her friend, which I did. You should have a clean conscious about it all. If you are new here like me, you should know that there seems to be a group here that feel like they have all the answers and everything they tell you is written in stone. Many of them have posted on your thread I would suggest you be a very critical reader/listner. Good luck to you.

[mercy]

Not a BW, I am a MM but I have a OW and I wouldn't blame her for any of it or throw her under the bus. She has no dog in the hunt so to speak. She is single and had some needs that aligned with mine, we have a realtionship that has lasted for almost 7 years. It's all on the man/husband, if he is not taking 100% accountability with his wife he is wimp. I was caught with my wife's best friend and owned up to it all and told her I seduced her friend, which I did. You should have a clean conscious about it all. If you are new here like me, you should know that there seems to be a group here that feel like they have all the answers and everything they tell you is written in stone. Many of them have posted on your thread I would suggest you be a very critical reader/listner. Good luck to you.

 

Actually some of those thoughts were written in stone.

 

Numbers 7, 8, 9 & 10, I believe.

Edited September 3, 2012 by mercy

[Sauron]

Actually some of those thoughts were written in stone.

 

Numbers 7, 8, 9 & 10, I believe.

HUH?

 

I would encourage the OP to think for herself. Not to mention deciding how vindicative she wants to be. You want to tell all to the BS, go ahead. That's what this group wants you to do, cut deep and let the blood flow. Your not covering for him, he is a man, he can cover for himself. I would also say that if your MM had a realtionship with you, more than sex, that he has feelings for you and is probably very conflicted about what to do, leave the bad marriage/realtionship if it is and start new, however the splitting asset issue is working against you if he has any.

[whichwayisup]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town a month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

 

Maybe having a second d-day, she held you more responsible the second time around..

 

Right now she may blame you 100% but as time goes along, trust me, that anger will be directed at her husband. Sometimes it's easier to shoot the messenger ..

 

If she calls you or emails again, asks for details, answer all that she needs to know. Own and apologize for your part in the affair.

 

Glad you can see your exMM's poop smells just like everybody else's. Nobody is perfect.

[woinlove]

I do understand her obviously being pissed at me and hating me and I know I deserve they from her . I don't know what's going on over there or what he's telling her. One person says I'm vindictive for sending the emails another says I should. Yes I know there's not ONE way to deal with this and everybody has their own opinions. Yes I want him to hurt and be miserable but I also know she doesn't deserve this. (NO Alice I haven't sent an apology yet). But then I figure she has to know he's lying about some things but is still there so maybe she doesn't want to really know. I did have feelings for him, this A was 3 years and I am pissed and hurting also because of him. I am just so confused.

 

Wanting more, what really matters is what you think of yourself. You are hurting and sorting through a lot of emotions and from that can emerge a better understanding of yourself, and what you want for your future.

 

One BW really lashed out at me, destroyed some of my property, but ultimately what made a difference to me is what I thought of myself and my choices. It took me a while to decide that I wanted to treat others better and align myself with honesty and openness, but when I did, I was happier and more connected to others.

 

The BW in your case probably places blame on her WH too or will with time, but, for you, that doesn't matter very much. Focus on yourself and your own healing and learning. That is what will lead to more happiness for you.

[ThatJustHappened]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town a month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

 

She wants to believe that you lured her husband away from her instead of believing that he willingly strayed. Being cheated on makes you question everything about yourself..are you ugly, are you stupid, are you a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad person..if you weren't all these things, why would your spouse feel the need to find someone else? It makes you feel like you are nothing. You end up blaming yourself for your man cheating..it's a massive blow to the ego. So of course you want to blame the OW..you want to think that she must have done all the work to seduce him. Because that way it wasn't your fault.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town a month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

 

It is not all your fault but you do deserve some of the blame I never understood how a woman could stay with a cheater

[bambia]

Ive posted in the OW forum but I am curious to have answers from BW. after a 2nd D-day with same OW, the BW has called and texted and emailed me putting all the blame on me. I did send one text with proof they we were together out of town Ia month ago. I don't plan on sending her anything else and pretty sure she's done contacting me. I am walking away since I do feel like a complete idiot and fool for picturing him in my head as this great man who would never hurt me but has. How does she blame me 100% is my question.

 

 

I don't think she blames you 100% She knows she is with a cheater and I'm sure he will pay dearly.

[wanting more]

I do take my share of the A. I do understand she is really hurting and confused. My question is just one of many that I have about my emotions right now and trying to deal with them. I understand her blaming me, not 100% but as said in some of the responses I don't know what's going on at their house

[Sauron]

I am entitled to post her am I not? You know nothing about my class. You're probably in the club as well. However, you probably need to keep on subject as one of THE group, in an excited moment to hurl an insult at me, violated the rules and could have lost her posting abilities on another thread. So I don't see how your post is relavant to the subject. All the women in my life are happy thank you very much.

[losingmyground]

I would also add that most likely none of these posters have any credentials that allow them to be dispense the advice they do, including me, they are just opinions, but they write with an air of authority that comes across as absoulte.

 

Many of our opinions are brought about by actions from dishonorable people like you. We speak from experience...from both the BS and the OW/OM side.

 

Many of them probably consider themselves experts since they got F'd over in their realtionships and spend way to much time hanging out here, internet experts.

 

And yet you find yourself here too. I do not consider myself an expert, just trying to get both sides to realize the harm brought about by an affair.

[Sauron]

I would encourage the OP to think for herself. Not to mention deciding how vindicative she wants to be. You want to tell all to the BS, go ahead. That's what this group wants you to do, cut deep and let the blood flow.

 

And that blood flow is brought about by men like you. The vindicative behavior is brought about by your deception of your wife.

 

Your not covering for him, he is a man, he can cover for himself.

 

And isn't it amazing how many men cower when they are found out. How is it that you have manage a 7 yr affair against your wife? How many times has she found out? Can you attrach anything but a broken woman?

 

You are making assumptions and you know what that means right (your making an ass out of yourself) do you know my wife or my OW? Do you know them to be broken? You are the broken ones, negative, vindicative and apparently not tolerable of dissenting opinions. My life is perfectly fine, my women are happy, is that such a bad thing? Can you not understand that some of us are not all or nothing? And don't you all want the blood to flow, if I was the OP, just walk away, but no many of you want her to tell it all to the BS, total bull**** in my huble opinion. Have a nice evening:)

[wanting more]

Well Ive managed to forget what hell I'm in right now, kinda forgot what the whole point to this thread was after reading the back and forths between people. I don't know I'd I should say thanks or ???? Huh.

[Furious]

I do take my share of the A. I do understand she is really hurting and confused. My question is just one of many that I have about my emotions right now and trying to deal with them. I understand her blaming me, not 100% but as said in some of the responses I don't know what's going on at their house

 

In a way you are as much a victim as the betrayed spouse. You believed that you were valued and loved and that perhaps eventually he would leave his wife to be with you. Sad but true, some men love themselves more than they can love anyone else.

 

I am sorry that you're hurting.