kid_a026 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 my girlfriend of six months broke up with me. about a month ago she left for a two week vacation overseas. while she was there we talked online as much as possible and eventually discussed problems we were having in our relationship and things we both needed to change once she got back. when she did get back we spent almost a whole week together and things seemed fine and we were making plans to correct our problems. then, completely unexpectedly she said she didnt think we should be together anymore and that she didnt think i could change (even though we had only just started trying) and that she wasnt attracted to me the same way since she got back. she said, though, that she didnt think she could go on never seeing me again. so we kept in touch online for a week or two as friends, occasionally discussing our former relationship. and now we've started hanging out again but only as friends. i was thinking we could see eachother like this for a while and maybe i could show her i can change and try to win her back, but im not so sure thats the best way. i dont know what to do. i love her sooo much and i want her back but im afraid she'll get used to just being friends i could mess up any future hopes of getting back together. does anyone have any advice??? Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I've heard that it's easier to get your ex back if you don't talk to them for awhile. No contact makes them realize what life is like without you in it, and maybe makes them see how much they miss you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kid_a026 Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 maybe no contact is the best thing but i dont know. before we saw eachother for the first time since we had broken up she said that she did miss me, but didnt miss the relationship. and in that time she got along much better and quicker than i did. i guess im afraid of losing contact with the part of her thats my best friend, but im also afraid of losing the one i love. Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 If she misses you but doesn't miss the relationship, you've already lost the one you love. Sorry. If she's getting along much better than you have, then you need to put time and space between you so that you can heal. Tell her you'd be interested in friendship at some later, indefinite future date, but right now YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS. You still have feelings for her and you need time and space away to move past this and heal. I did it 18 days ago....after FIVE WEEKS of trying to be just his "friend". I was running uphill carrying a ten-ton sack of stones, getting nowhere fast. The past 18 days have felt like breaking up all over again for me....but for HIM....we broke up two months ago. Because we did. His contact with me allowed him to ease his own conscience, the sense of guilt that he felt for hurting me. For me, it left me in an emotional limbo, with no sense of relief. I was giving myself false hope. Only YOU can put an end to that. No matter how difficult it is, you need to put your own emotional wellbeing first. Please. ~Nikki Link to post Share on other sites
Author kid_a026 Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 His contact with me allowed him to ease his own conscience, the sense of guilt that he felt for hurting me. For me, it left me in an emotional limbo, with no sense of relief. I was giving myself false hope. do you think if you initiated no contact earlier he would have re-evaluated his decision? did hanging around and trying to be friends only reassure him he didnt have to completely lose you by breaking up? thats what im afraid of: if i wait too long or dont initiate no contact at all i could ruin whatever small chances of getting back together. its been almost two weeks already. but it makes me feel better to be around her even if it isnt the same. having her as a friend is easier in the short term than not having her at all. or maybe im not thinking clearly. the way she changed her mind so quickly and decided to break up seemingly all of a sudden leads me to believe it maybe just a passing thing, that it was just a down-swing and itll come back with enough time if i show her i can change. i dont know. it just doesnt seem rational or logical to me. but i guess what does in these matters? Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 I think that hanging around COMPLETELY gave him the sense that he still "had" me on some level, without the hassle of a relationship. I don't know if I waited too long....today is day 18 of NC for me...two months since our breakup, and I haven't heard a peep. I don't expect to. I told him not to call unless he missed me, wanted to see me...wanted to see where things might go w/ us. That involves a level of committment. When someone DUMPS you, the last thing they want is to work on it!! REALITY CHECK! I've been giving myself one daily. That doesn't mean I don't open my email and hope to see his name in my in-box. That doesn't mean that I don't check my cell for missed calls and hope to see his number (I deleted him from my phonebook and my speed dial). But REALISTICALLY...I know it will never happen. I only ever loved one other man. I walked away from him and ended all contact. It was SIX YEARS before we spoke again. We are now the best of friends, but I can honestly say that I don't want him back and do not care for him in that way at all anymore. When you walk away, you have to understand that you are doing so FOR YOU...not for him or her. YOU need closure, YOU need to get better, YOU need to reclaim your life. My advice? Start by trying to remember how to live...you DID have a life before you met her, yeah? It's still there, boss...go grab it! Each day is a struggle not to pick up the phone. But each day that I add to my tally makes me feel better about myself. He lost an INCREDIBLE woman. I know that he knows it...whether or not he regrets it depends entirely on how happy he is with his own life right now. What we all seem to fail to realize is that most people leave because they are not happy with themselves...something about their lives doesn't sit well. Unless you love yourself and are happy within, how the hell can you begin to love someone else? ~Nikki Link to post Share on other sites
Author kid_a026 Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 youre probably right. this is going to be hard tho. i really really hope i dont cave after a week or whenever before i actually move on and put it behind me. do you think i should tell her the reason we need time apart is because im still in love with her and need time to get over that? or would that put me back in the role of the persuer? what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
nikkicam71 Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 here's how the conversation went... I said, "I was going to wait to do this, b/c you just got back from your trip, but this is something I've been thinking about the past few times we talked, and it's something I need to do for me. I know when we broke up you told me it was selfish of me to not be friends...so I've been trying, I really have...but each time I talk to you, it makes it a little bit harder. When you first got in touch with me, I thought maybe you were having second thoughts, maybe you missed me. But I am only giving myself false hope. You are happy with your life and I am happy for you, but I didn't want this break up. Each time I talk to you, it makes me miss you more, it makes me miss us, and this isn't good for me. I don't think being friends right now is reasonable for me. It just makes it hurt more. I tried, I really did, but honestly, I don't want to be around when you start dating someone else. I don't know how I might feel in the future, but right now, friendship isn't a feasible option for me. I'm sorry. If something changes for you, if you miss me and you want to see me, if you want to spend some time together and see where things might go, by all means, give me a call. But right now, I can't be friends." Him, "I'm really sorry. I never meant to cause you more pain or discomfort. I'm sorry you feel this way, but I do understand. If something changes for you, you know, if you're ever okay with it, whichever happens first, please call?" At that point I wanted to smack him. I said, "Take care, D." He said, "You too." I said, "Goodbye." And hung up the phone. 19 days today...NC. We've been broken up for two months. Good luck ~Nikki Link to post Share on other sites
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