Feelings for best friends Wife - a truly awful mess

[Can]

Hi, first time poster here,

 

Okay well im in real need of dome advice, because quite frankly I'm in an awful, awful mess, it's a horrible situation.

 

I've been with my partner for almost 2 years and we are having a baby together, but in the past year and half or so I feel I've grown apart from her, she's unintentionally pushed me away to the point where i just don't feel the same anymore. She's changed a lot since the start of our relationship, she's become fr less tolerant of everything I do to the point she turns almost every situation into a problem.

 

We argue almost daily now over the smallest things, and I find myself getting fed up of her constant attitude towards me. She claims she still loves me to bits, but I just don't believe it anymore. These constant ongoing problems have feel pushed away from her, and as a result I find her less sexually attractive.

 

And just to confirm, these problems

Started long before she got pregnant, we argue to the break of day before that, the pregnancy has just mad everything worse.

 

Now for the issue..

 

Recently I spend alot of time at my best friends house, I stay there once a week maybe and we get on like a house on fire, but the more I've been going there the more me and his wife have caught each others eye. He's been married for 4-5 years and she's left him once before she felt she didn't love him anymore, but she gave it another chance and it's been a few months since that happened.

 

The problem is though that me and his wife are too close, he doesn't know which is quite frankly mind boggling. It's gotten to the point where my friend and his kids have gone to bed and me and his wife will be left alone watching tv and we'll just start cuddling on the sofa as of we were the ones who were married.

 

This isnt a sexual affair or anything like that either, we just enjoy each others company too much in a emotional/romantic type way and we've made painfully obvious we have strong feeling for each other.

 

The fact is though is that I hate this situation and nobody can benefit from it and everybody can get hurt from it and it needs to end, but I'm just too weak to do it.

 

Also, me and my partner don't even live together but doesn't help, but we're still having a child together.

 

TL;DR, - Me and my partner who is 31 weeks pregnant have grown apart and don't live together

 

- Me and my best friends wife have feelings for each other

 

- Crap situation

 

What do I do!?

 

Any help and advice is much appreciated.

[salparadise]

Wow, this is a mess. First you just have to stay away from your friend's wife no matter what. If it means staying away from their house then that's what you must do. I'd even suggest finding another job and moving away if you value your integrity, your friendship and the potential to rekindle your relationship and raise your own child. And don't go confessing to the people this would hurt––just stay away from your friend's wife and focus on your own life. You got yourself into it and it's going to be painful getting free from it, but it's going to be a lot more painful for a lot more people if you don't.

[road]

You need to NC with your friend because you are stabbing the guy his back.

 

You need to go NC with his WW because you are having an affair with her.

 

You need to end your relationship with your pregnant GF or repair it.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to NC with your friend because you are stabbing the guy his back.

 

You need to go NC with his WW because you are having an affair with her.

 

You need to end your relationship with your pregnant GF or repair it.

 

This is just, absolutely, IT.

In a nutshell.

 

Nothing more needs to be said, because frankly - it's not a mess.

if it were, the options wouldn't be simple.

 

What's a 'mess' is your mind.

 

Hopefully, this sorts it.

[Can]

You need to NC with your friend because you are stabbing the guy his back.

 

You need to go NC with his WW because you are having an affair with her.

 

You need to end your relationship with your pregnant GF or repair it.

Hi, don't understand half of this sorry. What is NC and WW? Not familiar with these terms.

 

Thanks

[BetrayedH]

Hi, don't understand half of this sorry. What is NC and WW? Not familiar with these terms.

 

Thanks

 

No Contact

 

Wayward Wife

[Joaquin]

Your a sneaky little man aren't you.

 

You let this happen. You wanted it to happen. You want your friends wife.

 

Best friend.

 

Don't make me

 

Is it all in your head tho? Sometimes opportunists like you live in a fantasy world.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Joaquin

[Titanwolf]

Your a sneaky little man aren't you.

 

You let this happen. You wanted it to happen. You want your friends wife.

 

Best friend.

 

Don't make me

 

Is it all in your head tho? Sometimes opportunists like you live in a fantasy world.

I try to refrain from posting in this section, because it makes my stomach turn but OP, really?. Your friend? do you even know the meaning of the word?. There's such an abundance of women in the world and it had to be your "best friend's" wife? how sad..

[Sameold]

I'm going through hard time myself but this.....

 

Seriously you are no friend to that guy, does he know you snuggle up to her when he goes to bed? Hell why does he even let you stay down there talking to his wife?

 

You seriously need to cut all contact with them both. Oh, by the way if the guy ever finds out about any of this you better getting running...and fast.

I would say tell the guy what has been going on so he knows what his wife is like but I'm not sure. Very messy, please leave it.

[TaraMaiden]

Hi, don't understand half of this sorry. What is NC and WW? Not familiar with these terms.

 

Thanks

 

Ok, quit prevaricating and read this link:

 

You're an OM, she would be the OW and right now, you're in the process of developing an EA, which will doubtless transform itself into a PA.

 

There is no acronym for jerk, though....

Which is what your W will consider you to be, if you continue with this behaviour.

 

She will be the BS -and won't stand for your BS.

 

And no, I know you're not married - but you have a child on the way.

 

Do the right thing - whatever that 'thing' is.

 

But do it before you even think of parking between another lady's legs.

 

And certainly not your apparently "best-friend's" wife!

[Can]

First of all thank you for the replies, secondly I know I'm an awful person, and what I'm doing is terrible and that's why I came to seek advice from here.

 

What I want is to just forget everything, I want to just go back to how things were and forget this ever happened. I'm not planning on telling my friend about it, I think it's the easiest and best solution for everyone if it just got buried. But if his wife decides to tell him, then so be it, I deserve whatever I get after that. And he knows what his wife is like already to an extent, she's left him before for not being happy with their relationship.

 

The only thing that's stopped me from putting an end to this unavoidable misery sooner is the fact that I'll be raising a child in a miserable relationship in which I just cannot face. You could say I've used his wife as an escape to happiness, but the fact that it is my friends wife is the problem, and with all my heart, I wish it could be any woman on the face of the earth I was so rediculoisly attracted to besides his wife.

 

I'm not one to ever cheat, I've never cheated on anyone and swore I wouldn't, but like any human being I have limits and they've been pushe, and that's caused me to seek happiness elsewhere but I found it in the wrong place.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're not happy in your relationship and she is very likely not happy in her relationship, therefore you're found some kind of comfort and companionship in the fact that you can kind of have an affair without having an actual in your face affair.

 

But you've got to face the truth and be honest with yourself...affairs don't need to be physical, emotional affairs are just as guilty and If you don't respect the boundaries just about go just as far as physical intimacy...If not farther but in a more complex and hard to define way. When you are physical it's just a undeniable affirmation that you are in fact crossing a line and cheating, however by saying you are just holding each other innocently to a degree...you're only rationalizing and allowing this behavior to progress...because clearly you both enjoy It.

 

However realize that the relationship you have with your friends wife is not a realistic one, neither it is for you. It's a convenient, suspenseful, forbidden type emotional affair that's even gone physical with holding and cuddling that gives you what you are missing in a sense in your own relationships...that innocence and what seems to be pure type of connection and affection without all the mess.

 

And that's just the situation, without having to incorporate any real world dynamics between the both of you...you don't have to deal with the complexities of beyond that, you don't really have to make it "real" but leave it as some kind of exciting, somewhat fulfilling fantasy...but this is a case If you were able to have the whole twinkie instead of just a chase taste it...the taste would be surprisingly sugary and not as fulfilling as you both are fantasizing about to a degree.

 

Maybe both of you don't want or care that this is a limited type of relationship you've both developed, but not only is it an show of lack of respect for your significant others, it's a sign of disrespect to yourselves and your friend...It's a huge breach of trust.

 

At the end of the day this woman will likely be up and gone, and your friend will still be around...Is it worth it to jeopardize that relationship for this woman? who is troubled and has her share of her own issues that would come to light If things even got to another level? I doubt the fantasy would hold very long in fact, the reality of the situation and the drama that would ensue wouldn't be worth it. You're making your life complicated and causing yourself unnecessary risks being that you're having a child and this is your friends wife...he is oblivious because he is trusting and likely feels he has no reason to worry.

 

You need to disconnect from this situation...this woman is not the only woman you could have these cuddles and companionship for so don't kid yourself, she's just a convenient opportunity you both are taking advantage...to whatever extent, yet you keep playing with fire and it's going to escalate at some point "in the moment" then there's really no going back. The guilt and suspicion will increase and there will be a reaction to this eventually somewhere along the line...ask yourself If you're ready to pay those consequences.

 

She needs to focus on her relationship and you need to stop making excuses about your relationship and either trying to go back to the drawing board...being open and communicative with your pregnant girlfriend or you need to face the hard truth and walk away...at least you'll be happier, there's no reason for you to be unhappy nor is there for her and to be cheated on while she's pregnant. At least support her and dedicate your time to her for through the pregnancy. Then you can go run around with some woman that's open and available without having to take such a big risk because it's just convenient. You don't have to live like this, you're just choosing to...you don't even live with this woman.

 

As far as the friends wife, step away from that...respect the boundaries and find something else to occupy your mind and share your deepest darkest secrets with. As long as you let her become your escape and someone to talk to it's going to lead to something bad. She needs to realize what she wants in her life and relationship, and your friend needs to let her go If she wants to but that's not your business...the only thing you'll do is cause a riff...I wouldn't tell him about any of this and I'd just put it behind me.

 

Make your own choices, but get your head of the clouds and be realistic...you're not teenager, you can see what's going on, you need the stakes are high the consequences are great...ask yourself If you're ready to deal with the aftermath..and If you continue on I'll go ahead and chuck a rock into the ocean in your honor...once the husband/friend finds out she's been messing around right under his nose and has decided to make you sleep with the fishes.

 

"In loving memory of Can...the man/friend that went too far"

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not an awful person. But some of the things going through your mind are, and make you feel, awful.

 

Personally?

Tell your partner it's over between you, although you will do everything necessary and within your power to be supportive of this child, and to be a great dad.

Don't accede to any unreasonable demands, but say that in all and every good way, you will be a dad.

In all other ways, you two have no future together.

 

Then sort your mind out but try to do it with no collateral damage to anyone else's relationship.

 

See your best friend, by all means, but make sure you make it very plain to his wife - in whichever way is necessary - that if she's looking for a good time - you're not it, and never will be. It ends, now.

[betterdeal]

It looks to me that you are having a hard time at home, and maybe so is your friend's wife. The temptation to seek succour in each other's company is understandable, but it won't solve the underlying problems in your respective lives.

 

Think of it like this: if this is how you and she deal with difficulties in your current relationships, it is likely that this is how you will deal with difficulties in any other relationships you have. So if you two ended up together, you'd be likely to deal with similar issues in a similar way, and you know how terrible you feel now, so that's how you'd feel again. Not good.

 

I suggest you find a good therapist or counsellor and discuss this in more depth with them. Having someone who will listen to you attentively and in confidence, and make suggestions, is probably going to help you more than a talk board on the internet.

 

Well done for reaching out and asking for help, by the way.

[Can]

Thank you so much for the above replies, words can't express how much happier I feel after being able to tell someone about this, even if it strangers on the Internet.

 

I don't have anyone else to talk to which has made everything worse because everyone I'd usually talk to is involved on this one way or another. I can't tell me partner for obvious reasons, can't talk to my best friend, and I can't talk to my next closest fried about it because he's my best friends wife's brother, and the next friend is a close family friend of theirs!

 

Anyway, to the above thank you so much for your advice, as said it just needs to be forgotten and buried and never mentioned, I can carry on being friends with him without telling him, I must admit I feel as if I lack any real emotional guilt when it comes to feelings, hurt and emotion, i just feel myself living in my own little world of "me" a lot and I hate it. I still want to be good friends with him, but having to see his wife everytime i go there won't be easy.

 

Now with my current relationship, I'm going to stick it out until the baby is born to see if anything changes for the better. If things don't improve that I'm gone, I won't put up with being miserable no matter how much she claims

She loves me. I plan on being a terrific Dad to this baby whether we're together or not and she'll have my full support whether we end up hating each other or becoming good friends. I will be there, rain or shine.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Can

[Joaquin]

You make it sound like your some kind of martyr.

 

You seem very out of touch with the reality of people, emotions, boundaries etc.

 

For the avoidance of doubt, what you have been doing is a disgrace. You should be utterly ashamed and get the **** away from these people. I pity the mother of your child, who now has the misfortune of a creep like you in her life.

[Darren Steez]

You make it sound like your some kind of martyr.

 

You seem very out of touch with the reality of people, emotions, boundaries etc.

 

For the avoidance of doubt, what you have been doing is a disgrace. You should be utterly ashamed and get the **** away from these people. I pity the mother of your child, who now has the misfortune of a creep like you in her life.

 

Give him a prize for not totally screwing over his friend and woman carrying his baby, I'm sure he deserves it!

[gaius]

If you've already got her cuddling on the couch with you then go in for the kiss next time and see what happens. Make her feel wanted. It must be humiliating to have your husband not even care that you're not coming to bed when there's another guy staying in the house. What a dope. He deserves to be taught a lesson.

[road]

Thank you so much for the above replies, words can't express how much happier I feel after being able to tell someone about this, even if it strangers on the Internet.

 

I don't have anyone else to talk to which has made everything worse because everyone I'd usually talk to is involved on this one way or another. I can't tell me partner for obvious reasons, can't talk to my best friend, and I can't talk to my next closest fried about it because he's my best friends wife's brother, and the next friend is a close family friend of theirs!

 

Anyway, to the above thank you so much for your advice, as said it just needs to be forgotten and buried and never mentioned, I can carry on being friends with him without telling him, I must admit I feel as if I lack any real emotional guilt when it comes to feelings, hurt and emotion, i just feel myself living in my own little world of "me" a lot and I hate it. I still want to be good friends with him, but having to see his wife everytime i go there won't be easy.

 

Now with my current relationship, I'm going to stick it out until the baby is born to see if anything changes for the better. If things don't improve that I'm gone, I won't put up with being miserable no matter how much she claims

She loves me. I plan on being a terrific Dad to this baby whether we're together or not and she'll have my full support whether we end up hating each other or becoming good friends. I will be there, rain or shine.

 

Baloney!

 

You must go NC with the both of them. The good feelings from an affair create the same brain chemical reactions that cause addictions. This is why drunks have to stay away from alcohol. They just can't sit in a bar and watch people drink before they fall off the wagon.

 

You seeing your OW (your friends wife) will only keep you addicted to the OW, wanting the OW, till you go back to restarting your affair with the OW.

 

You betrayed you BF and you compound stabbing him in the back while now you're still smiling into his face.

 

You won't tell him the truth because you are a sneaky coward. Your willing to continue to lie to him is not what a friend does.

 

You must go NC with your friend because seeing him will cause you to eventually see his WW.

 

You danced now you have to pay the band.