Girlfriend of a year made out with another guy

[jrizz0]

To give a little bit of a background my girlfriend is one of those girls who has an uncomfortably large amount of guy friends because her and girls don't see eye to eye. We've had our ups and downs(what relationship doesn't?) but nothing we haven't been able to look past. I've told her about my thoughts on her having so many guy friends and she's even offered to stop talking to alot of them. The thing is I've always told myself I'm not going to be THAT guy; the one who is controlling and tells his girlfriend who she can and can not be friends with. So anyways now that you know a little bit about our back story here's the actual problem. My girlfriend likes to hang out with her guys friends but usually with a group of people because she knows how I feel about her hanging out with dudes alone. But anyways we've been together for a year and she claims I'm the one she wants to marry and have a life with. The other day she said she was going to the movies with some friends and and asked if I wanted to go but I said no. This guy friend of hers that she's known for awhile was there with them who she claims to have a bit of a "harmless" crush on. I would give her a hard time and joke about her liking him and she would always laugh and give me the "you're a dork" stare. But anyways back to the movies. She didn't have a ride back home so this guy offered, apparently from what her story says. They were sitting in the car talking about some depressing things going on in my girlfriends lift and it got quiet I guess. He leaned in for a kiss and she met him the other half. She was sober and they made out.. I have no idea for how long and I care not to know. The thing is after they kissed he asked if she was still together with me and she said we were fighting which we weren't... everything was going fine. She broke down the day after and told me what happened. Now the smarter half of me says that I should break up with her and that it would be extremely hard to gain that trust back.. I've told her I need a break and we've talked on the phone a couple times since then. Every single time she's had a panic attack on the phone when I've told her that I'm not sure if it's going to work out. She balls her eyes out and part of me knows she's genuinely sorry but I don't know what to do. I've spent a year of my life with this girl which I know isn't much but it's enough time to realize you love someone alot. I'm really sad right now and I don't know what to do. Should I let her try to make it up to me which she promises she will do or is it time to cut ties? I saw her in person the other day and she looked like a wreck, like she hadn't slept the past 4 or 5 nights. She couldn't control her crying throughout our conversation. Apparently from what she's told me about this guy is that they go to the same school but they haven't said a word to him since it happened.. probably because I sent him a nice little text message on her phone. But any who before I get attacked about how I have no balls or

no back bone try to put yourself in my position and not based off what you've always thought or been told. Besides this situation she's been the ideal girl for me. The guy of girl who makes me breakfast/lunch, always complimenting my looks, always telling me how proud she is of me for working so hard, always comforting me when I have a bad day. I'm by no means trying to defend her but look at it from that point of view and then give me your opinions. I think I know what I'm going to do already but this is a last minute act of seeking advice.

 

By the way I'm 20 and she's 18

Edited September 1, 2012 by jrizz0

[StrangeBehaviors]

What she says means nothing. What she does is what matters.

 

She's dead to you. Treat it like that. Move on.

[BetrayedH]

This is a tough call.

 

Normally I would say that you are not married to this girl and have no children so you should run for the hills. You should strongly consider this option.

 

That said, I am at the point where I think just about everyone is touched by infidelity in their lifetime. While most would prefer to start over with someone that hasn't ever cheated before, I honestly would prefer someone that has, quite frankly, learned their lesson.

 

Successfully recovering from cheating is a very tall order. It requires a tuly remorseful wayward and a very forgiving betrayed. Never put #2 before #1. Trust has to be re-earned and that takes as long as it takes.

 

I don't happen to believe in "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I do believe "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." Based on the remorse that your GF is showing, I think you give her another chance. My hope would be that you would then forever have this particular problem in your past. If you want to know what she should do to rebuild trust, ask us.

 

I do recommend that she reads the book, Not Just Friends, so that she can learn appropriate boundaries in the future.

 

Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, the fact that she willingly confessed is huge in my book. If you had instead discovered her cheating, I wouldn't think twice about dumping her ass.

[OleBlue]

I do recommend that she reads the book, Not Just Friends, so that she can learn appropriate boundaries in the future.

 

I'm going to check out this book myself, thanks.

 

OP, I wish I had some advice but BetrayedH said it pretty well, good luck!

[salparadise]

I agree with BetrayedH that you should not act too rashly at this point. She seems truly remorseful and perhaps she is wiser now for the experience. Still, she needs to earn back the trust. For me, a big part of that would be her setting appropriate boundaries with respect to 'friendships' with other guys.

 

There are two camps on these opposite sex friendships... those who believe it's perfectly normal for people of the opposite sex to have close friendships that are purely platonic in nature, and those who believe it's nearly impossible for such friendships to be purely platonic. I'm in the latter camp.

 

Men and women are biologically and socially programmed for attraction, emotional involvement, sexual arousal and fulfillment, and doing the deed. These are the strongest human needs (besides breathing, eating, drinking water and a couple of other bodily functions) and they're responsible for every individual's existence and perpetuation of the species. Companionship, sharing of feelings, expression of appreciation, etc. are what facilitate formation of family units and reproduction in opposite sex relationships. This is not true in same sex relationships or children who are raised together from an early age. Occasionally, two people of the opposite sex may maintain a platonic a friendship based primarily around a profession or hobby, and even then the biological urge to merge often prevails. When there is no other basis for men and women to maintain such a connection, then the opposite sex friendship is mostly motivated by the opposite sex factor even though the two may not be capable of realizing it or admitting it to themselves.

 

For example, how many times have you known an opposite sex friendship wherein one of the pair was extremely attractive and the other quite unattractive? Or from different social classes? The same factors that determine eligibility for romantic paring are always there in opposite sex friendships.

 

What it's really about is insecurity, ego gratification, and keeping a bunch of backups at the ready in case the primary partner should abandon them. Also, it is never neutral in terms of how it affects the primary relationship (assuming there is sharing of confidences and emotional support). Whatever energy is invested in the other relationship is subtracted from the primary relationship. I just don't believe in it.

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to check out this book myself, thanks.

 

OP, I wish I had some advice but BetrayedH said it pretty well, good luck!

 

It's a long read but is essentially the infidelity bible. There are certainly a lot of other good books on infidelity but this one approaches it with a lot of data behind it. If my wife had read it prior, I don't think she ever would have had an affair.

 

Affairs happen far too easily and too often and they are horribly damaging to all three parties much of the time. And many times there are two triangles (meaning the other family). It's really quite unfortunate and preventable.

[Later82012]

You both are very young and it is highly unlikely that you are going to end up together for the rest of your life. Looks like she is very remorseful. I recommend being with her until whatever it is between you dies a natural death.

[Joaquin]

I couldn't get passed the images of a gf with another guy. Some guys are able to though.

 

And that she was disloyal, saying **** to other men behind my back about us, wouldn't sit right with me.

 

I'd cut her lose. It's about setting standards. She knew she risked Losing and hurting u by doing what she did, and she did it anyway.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Joaquin

[Chi townD]

By the way, the fact that she willingly confessed is huge in my book. If you had instead discovered her cheating, I wouldn't think twice about dumping her ass.

 

I agree with you to a point. You know as well as I do that a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum of what truely happened so it does seem as bad as it really was.

 

So, yes. It was a good thing that she confessed. But, confessing to what exactly? She told him the only made out. Purphaps she was afraid that this guy would brag about getting a BJ in the car in front of her house. I mean, lets face it. She did admit to having a crush on this guy....

[jgregory4614]

Hmmm...after my wife kissed her ex boyfriend 6 months after we got married, she told me how sorry she was and started crying just like your girlfriend is doing. I took her back. After a couple of days she confessed to f******* him a few times. We still stayed together after all that. A few years and a couple of kids later she leaves me for her manager at work.

 

Yeah... dont let that be you bro! Just like the other guys said, run for the hills while you can. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[strongnrelaxed]

Hmmm...after my wife kissed her ex boyfriend 6 months after we got married, she told me how sorry she was and started crying just like your girlfriend is doing. I took her back. After a couple of days she confessed to f******* him a few times. We still stayed together after all that. A few years and a couple of kids later she leaves me for her manager at work.

 

Yeah... dont let that be you bro! Just like the other guys said, run for the hills while you can. Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Ouch Jgregory! Shoot. Sorry to hear that dude.

 

This happens to both genders. We are just hearing more about men's side of the story lately.

 

Thanks for sharing this.

 

If I can respond to the OP without the long rants I usually burst into...

 

I think (just think) that there are a few things that interact in such relationships. Some stuff we have no control over (genetics, hormones, biology, evolution, upbringing, etc) and others things we can control.

 

We also have our own tendencies and habits bases on the same stuff.

 

So when it comes to cheating, I think some people are likely to do it. And some people are more likely to be cheated ON by others. If you get a person who is likely to cheat matched up with a person who is likely to be cheated on, then you can guess the outcome.

 

Every other combination is open to speculation. Such is love and relationships.

[Untouchable_Fire]

To give a little bit of a background my girlfriend is one of those girls who has an uncomfortably large amount of guy friends because her and girls don't see eye to eye. We've had our ups and downs(what relationship doesn't?) but nothing we haven't been able to look past. I've told her about my thoughts on her having so many guy friends and she's even offered to stop talking to alot of them. The thing is I've always told myself I'm not going to be THAT guy;

 

no back bone try to put yourself in my position and not based off what you've always thought or been told. Besides this situation she's been the ideal girl for me. The guy of girl who makes me breakfast/lunch, always complimenting my looks, always telling me how proud she is of me for working so hard, always comforting me when I have a bad day. I'm by no means trying to defend her but look at it from that point of view and then give me your opinions. I think I know what I'm going to do already but this is a last minute act of seeking advice.

By the way I'm 20 and she's 18

 

There are some very negative things here. Honestly, I've learned that women who can't get along with other women are 9 time in 10 very bad news. It typically means she needs massive amounts of male attention... maybe even has daddy issues. Women tend to have a really good sense about other women, and they can cut out the ones who have a high chance of poaching their boyfriends.

 

If you want to continue this relationship... you are going to have to be "that guy" and you will have to tell her up front.

 

On the positive side she was honest with you. I give her huge points for that. Of course usually when your GF says she "made out" with another guy that is girl speak for a 10 hour sex-a-thon in a dirty hotel.

 

Do you really want to stay or do you want to go find someone else?

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is the kind of girl that doesn't seem like she really needs to be in a relationship right now...she seems like the type that needs some excitement, little games of flirtation being played with by her so called guy friends and isn't in the maturity mode of settling in.

 

Because of your age...I hate to sound insensitive but really...who cares? the fact of the matter is guy you're not going to end up with this girl forever, chances are not the next or the next after that. I know that might be a cynical way of looking at it but realistically speaking that's how the majority of cases go...because you're still learning, growing up and experiencing the dynamics of women and understanding what It really takes in a relationship.

 

If you were mid 20s or in your 30's I'd say look...this whole having so many guy friends is BS, she's up to no good with that and nothing good will come of it...men aren't friends with women to be friend, there is always someone interested and most guys will test the boundaries and the other guys will play it safe under the radar trying to get close that way....NEVER, trust a woman's male friends unless they are gay or childhood friends and they are completely platonic and you're around all the time. However don't be surprised in any situation If suddenly the circumstances change...men and women are not platonic, It just doesn't exist that way IMO...they are acquaintances at best.

 

I think she's broken trust and feels badly for this...but honestly don't just fall that either...women act out this way because they are emotional creatures, it makes them question their feelings, worth, actions, morality so it's still typically a self-centered view...even though they hurt you that is still a secondary thing. She knew exactly what was developing and going to happen, and I'd bet my left nut it just "didn't happen"...it was a long time coming.

 

If I were you though, I wouldn't even be in a relationship. I think under the age or 22 or 23 it's quite silly and demanding, although the experience is worth while...I'd recommend just living life right now, doing the things you want, spending time w your friends and women...learning about them and yourself. You're going to have the rest of your life to be in serious relationships and right now many women aren't looking to settle in tight with you (which is a good thing for young men as I don't think either gender is ready for something serious IMO).

 

Ultimately It's up to you, but that's my advice to you...do what you want, try to rebuild the trust If you like...but it'll be an uphill battle and expect a lot of drama and insecurity within yourself, the relationship won't ever be the same nor the trust...once you break trust, It's extremely difficult to build back and really...what for? I know this is the now but look at the big picture If you're capable, this will likely be a small and quite significant relationship 5 or 6 years from now...you grow a lot in your 20's, so If you feel it's worth it give it a go...you're going to see what works and what doesn't and how difficult it is or can be.

 

The most important thing is to learn right now. Whatever you do don't belittle her, put her down, or try and make her feel worse and do the whole kiss the ground I walk on until I trust you again...don't do anything demeaning or stupid..It's not worth it...just communicate how you feel, that's how you make real progress in a relationship.

[salparadise]

Honestly, I've learned that women who can't get along with other women are 9 time in 10 very bad news. It typically means she needs massive amounts of male attention... maybe even has daddy issues. Women tend to have a really good sense about other women, and they can cut out the ones who have a high chance of poaching their boyfriends.

 

I agree completely with this theory and have seen it confirmed in actuality a number of times. I would add that in addition to having a network of close same sex friendships, their opposite sex friendships will be small in number and appropriate boundaries will always be maintained. This manifests more as a natural way of being than self imposed restraints in order to appear normal by conforming to what they see as restrictive societal expectations.

[Joaquin]

Hmmm...after my wife kissed her ex boyfriend 6 months after we got married, she told me how sorry she was and started crying just like your girlfriend is doing. I took her back. After a couple of days she confessed to f******* him a few times. We still stayed together after all that. A few years and a couple of kids later she leaves me for her manager at work.

 

Yeah... dont let that be you bro! Just like the other guys said, run for the hills while you can. Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I'm sorry to hear that man.

 

Were there any red flags before marriage? Or were you totally blindsided?

 

The reason I ask is that many people on this site seem hell bent on sweeping serious issues under the carpet, living with distrust in relationships, accepting far far less than they want, and then end up years later being screwed over anyway.

 

OP, take time and set yourself up with the type of relationship you want, not one where you will be forever sleeping with one eye open.

 

Don't be getting attached to sneaky lying pieces of crap.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Joaquin