mj2k4 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 been with my girl for 2 years. we had some major problems and i broke up with her about 6 months back, but we got 'back together' a few days later, but it wasnt the same. we were very distant. i broke up with her again a few weeks later, which she didnt resist (unlike the first time). i was suspcisious of this, and having her aol password, i snooped (yeah bad). well a week and a 1/2 later some dude I knew she had been communicating with sent her an email with pics of them out together and kissing. i confronted her with the pics and she freaked out, smashing a wine glass against my wall and throwing chairs etc (big tantrum). apparently he was down on spring break from college for a week after we brokeup and they went out, then he went back to college. she says she didnt sleep with him, she held back, but who the hell knows really. we tried to reconcile, but i finally severed ties with her, and promptly went out and slept with some girl i had been talking to for a few months. I slept with a few other women over the next month or so. one weekend i came home and my girl had left me a rose and a card on my doorstep. to make a long story short we got back together. things were kinda rocky for about a month, mostly due to my jealousy and acting stupid. i really dont know where it comes from. i guess you could point to her going out with that guy so quickly after we brokeup, but to be honest that doesnt really bother me. things are great lately, as we have been communicating so much better. but for some reason, i keep getting jealous thoughts. i get these stupid little thoughts and fantasies that i make up in my head, for no apparent reason. it is like i am a masochist, like i enjoy torturing myself. i guess i could justify it because she is young (20) and I am 32, and there is an age difference. I know i didnt know what the hell i wanted at that age, not to mention i cheated a few times. but i mean, honestly, she is so busy with her life that i dont think she would even have the time to cheat! altho young, she has a 3 year old child, she works, goes to school, and has to help out around her parents house where she lives. why do i get these thoughts? it is true that i dont have as many friends as she does, and even though work is my life, i do have more free time then her, and i think that these thoughts mostly come about when i have nothing to do. i have been keeping myself busier lately, and its helped a little, but i still get the thoughts sometimes. i wish i didnt. and i realize now that ive always had these thoughts, throughout my life, in my short term and long term relationships. ive always been a jealous person. but it never seemed to bother me as much as with her. i even tell myself, even if she did, what would be the worst that would happen? im a good looking guy, and could go out and find someone else, so thats not what im afraid of. im not real sure what the hell im afraid of. hmmmm. anyways, i guess what im looking for is people to tell me that Im being stupid with these thoughts, or that theyre normal, or whatever. i dont know. i used to never think this way with her before we had the problems. so why now? and how can i stop it? why cant i just let myself be happy with her? Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I am not sure why. but I know what you are feeling. I think maybe it comes from some sort of sense of abandonment that some of us have or something. were you an only child for a long time then not? or, is there anything from your childhood you can trace that would have created a subconscious feeling of abandonment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mj2k4 Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 My parents were divorced when i was young, and i lived alone with my father. he was a drunk who went on a couple of binges when I was younger, mostly after he got divorced from my stepmother. But he never physically left, he just hid in his bedroom on his binges. Im not sure thats it though. Im not sure what it is. In the past, I have cheated and been cheated on, as well as had a couple ONS's with women with boyfriends. I guess I am projecting my past experiences onto this relationship, and maybe thats what doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 yea, sometimes I think that. - think that jealousy that I might have is a projection of what I have done or fear I would do. Also, I had a pretty immature, deceitfull first love through highschool and that kind of set the tone for me for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mj2k4 Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 so what do you to squash them? have i trained myself over the last 8 months to have these thoughts? and now i have to untrain myself or something? and i mean, there really is no basis for them. i will just randomly think stupid thoughts that she is cheating or something. I sometimes dream up these scenerios where she has the opportunity to cheat. It's stupid, really. I mean, if I had little clues she was, I suppose it would make sense. But I really dont! Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 well, Kind of what you mentioned in your first post is one thing. I need to feel busy, real busy. I need to feel enough strengh in my own activities and goals that I am not worried about sitting home waiting to be cheated on and/or left behind - whatever my over-indulged imagination will think of. I do think that their is a little bit of reality and reason for having a little bit of caution. you need to know that it is resolved and understood what happened when you broke up in my oppinion. you need to know exactly the context that led her to hook up. but asside from covering your bases like that, focus on working hard, and being such a damn good boyrfriend, and so productive, that it will be her to worry if either of you must. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mj2k4 Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 well i think i know what led her to go out and hookup. she didnt want to be left alone. the last 8-10 months before i broke up with her, we were together a lot and didnt go out with our friends much. when i broke up with her, we both knew it was coming. she was talking to this guy up in college, and i was talking to this other girl i met a few months before. so i guess we were both preparing for it. but i dont think thats the issue. of course at the time i was pissed she went out with this guy so quickly after we broke up, but i mean, technically, we were broken up, so she could go do whatever the hell she wanted and i would have no right to say anything. anyways, so yeah i guess keeping myself busy, and letting things progress naturally over time will help build the trust again. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts