Commitment Phobia BF

[tippybt]

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I have been in a relationship for 5 years with the same man, I love this man more then I could of ever imagined. When we first got together, he would talk about getting married all the time. As the years have gone on, he talks less and less about getting married. I have been asking lately about getting married, and he always says "Why screw up a good friendship?" I am so sick of hearing this. I feel I have waited long enough.

 

I don't feel that I am being pushy, I think that I have been a very patient person in this whole thing.

 

Is it worth waiting longer, or should I move on and find someone who is looking for a long term commitment? I am so confused. I truely love this man and want to be with him.

What should I do?

[Girlie]

That's a tough position to be in... I guess what I would do is take some time and just really evaluate the relationship. You've probably been doing some of that already. But even sitting down and making a list of the pluses and minuses of staying/leaving can be helpful. That might sound kind of silly, but it's very important, in my opinion, to really get your thoughts in order to make this kind of decision. You don't want to make the decision out of pure emotion and then end up regretting. Sit down and really think about whether this relationship is right for you in light of what you want. I wish I had some kind of magic answer for you, but that's all I can come up with.

[katie79]

First of all, give yourself credit for being patient with this man. Secondly (brace yourself!), no offense, but the fact that he defines your relationship as a "good friendship" sounds bad. Perhaps he doesn't see you as his "dream girl", but rather contains a love for you like a little sister, a buddy, a little girl, none of which you want. You want friendship, that's the most important thing, but romance, lust, a little craziness, and love are important componenets for a real relationship b/t man and woman. This alone is an issue you must consider. Do you want him to think of you as a friend, or a lover? How do you love him? Friend or lover?

Another major factor to consider is the "Five Year Plan". You've wasted five years waiting for him to make a real commitment. Do you have another year to waste? While he keeps you hanging and strings you along until the idea of ever marrying you disapates, you are losing time. Time that gives you the chance to meet a man who could be crazy about you where commit will not be an issue. What if you had the ability to see what would happen if you took a different road right this minute? Suppose you saw yourself meeting a guy who you loved in a way you never thought exsisted? Suppose you and he would have this incredible bonding, love, lust, understanding, friendship, etc and the only problem would be he's worried you wont get your wedding dress on time! Whether your 18, 28, 38, or 78, your wasting time to meet others, have new experiences, and find a potential husband. The fact that his talk of marriage decreased over the years speaks for his dying lack of interest and the birth of his future disappearance.

You have two options at this point, considering you're okay with his viewing you as a "friend". (I also am not you, so I don't know every aspect of your relationship, maybe he is inlove, but you weren't specific enough or other events occured recently to prove that).

You can make an ultimatium with yourself:

This means, in a non-threatning way, BUT FIRMLY, ask him his intentions. Tell him after 5 years, you think it's time to take the relationship a step forward and look for a ring and set a date. His reaction is critical. If he says yes. That's good if your okay with spending the rest of your life with him. If he says no, or it feels like you're pulling teeth to get him to the local jeweler, never see him again and don't give him a second thought.

Generally, pressuring him, or nagging him will push him away. That's why you must take the initative without being threatening or a pest. For once, show you want respect. Being firm shows you are serious and not a nagging girlfriend. It says to him, "I love you, but if you can't move this up, then I'm moving out and I have no problem leaving you and finding someone better because I deserve better than this".

To give you another pointer on making an ulitmatium with yourself, you must also come to the realization that hanging around, forgiving his lack of respect for your relationship, being his compainion during his time of need, and dating him forever will not make him propose either. I have a book on the statistics of relationships. A real actual statistical book (not bs). It says that after a year in a half of dating (2 years tops), if a man hasn't proposed, his chances of ever doing it will greatly decrease each year. This doesn't mean it happens to everyone on the planet, but statistics prove the relationship will sour after this time period. I find it to be true for the most part. This book is titled "Why Men Marry Some Women, and Not Others". You might also want to read "Why men Love Bitches" and "The Rules". Such books may help you find your way.

But please, whatever you do, I'm sure there's someone out there for you who wont let you down like this man has. It's time to make a big decision and take a new road. I wish you the best.

[birdy]

What are you crazy! Girl you've wasted 5 years on this guy. He thinks of you as a friend. He's stopped talking about marriage.

 

You didn't post your age. Or if you want Children. If your near your child bearing years and want children get out now before its too late. I too was in that type of a relationship. When I ended it, I met a wonderful guy and had my children who are the world to me. I would never have known what it really means to love someone unconditionally if it weren't for my children. I would like to have had more children but its too late for me now. Don't let that time pass you by with someone who won't commit to you. If he considers you his friend, then he will always be your friend when you have moved on with your lifeand had a family of your own.

 

I agree with katie79. She has an informative posting. I see you posted your message in July. You may have followed her advice and ask him his intentions. I'm just now wondering did you follow her advice and how did it work out?

[birdy2]

What are you crazy! Girl you've wasted 5 years on this guy. He thinks of you as a friend. He's stopped talking about marriage.

 

You didn't post your age. Or if you want Children. If your near your child bearing years and want children get out now before its too late. I too was in that type of a relationship. When I ended it, I met a wonderful guy and had my children who are the world to me. I would never have known what it really means to love someone unconditionally if it weren't for my children. I would like to have had more children but its too late for me now. Don't let that time pass you by with someone who won't commit to you. If he considers you his friend, then he will always be your friend when you have moved on with your lifeand had a family of your own.

 

I agree with katie79. She has an informative posting. I see you posted your message in July. You may have followed her advice and ask him his intentions. I'm just now wondering did you follow her advice and how did it work out?

[sporty]

i dont think you should be waiting for a man to commit after five years. you are wasting your time with this man. he probably has a girlfiriend and seeing you too. you need to wake up and move on.