Ex girlfriend already moved on - I feel completely lost and broken.

[greyworld]

This is my first post on the forums. I'm not really one for looking for help online usually. To be honest, I have always dealt with my problems on my own. But I just don't really know what to do anymore and feel so depressed that I thought I'd come on here. This is probably going to be quite long so I apologise to any in advance who make it to the end.

 

I'm 21 years old now and started dating this girl back when I was 20. . Although it's going to sound cliche, we immediately clicked from the moment me met. Got along really well, always teasing each other. She was a very confident girl, or at least came across as one, and I always try to come across as quite confident (and I think i do), even if I'm not.

 

Anyway, she became my first ever girlfriend. In fact, she was even the second girl I ever kissed. I didn't tell her this of course, in fact I pretended I wasn't a virgin or that she was my first girlfriend - in retrospect, that was probably a stupid idea, but I guess i figured she wouldn't be interested if she knew I was so inexperienced.

 

Anyway, we started dating and got along amazingly. Like, seriously. We wouldn't even have to finish sentences as we'd already know what the other person was trying to say. For the next 6 or so months we literally saw each other everyday, never getting sick of one another, always PDAing on the street making cars honk at us. I was even the first guy to make her, apologies for the detail, orgasm in bed.

 

She had slept with two guys before me, having dated each one for 6 months before actually doing it. With me, it was only two weeks. Apparently, she felt something for me that she hadn't felt before and really loved me. In fact, after only a month we had both told each other that we loved each other.

 

Our relationship wasn't perfect, we did fight, but they were really petty and rare. However, she was a really honest person, and would say anything that was one her mind. THis sometimes meant she would tell me she wished I was taller (I'm only 5 foot 8, but she was only lyk 5 foot 5) and was more muscular. This hurt me sometimes and I told her, and she would apologise. She would also call other guys hot but onli ever tell me I was cute. Once i started going to the gym later in our relationship (for her) she started calling me hot, but I think this was just because she knew it bothered me that she hadn't before.

 

10 months into our relationship, she breaks up with me, telling me she's just not in love with me anymore. I noticed something was immediately wrong for 3 days before-hand but she kept denying it. I assumed she must have fallen out of love with me gradually, I know it happens. But only a week before she wrote me this valentines day card about how much she loved me and how amazing I was and lucky she was. I told her that card must have then been a lie and she said it wasn't. So, what, she just fell out of love with me in 72 hours? Is that even possible?

 

Anyway, we've been broken up since late feb with practically no contact at all. I thought i was getting over her and just found out that she's been dating this guy since like may, possibly earlier. And its not just any guy, its this guy she "fooled around" with a few weeks before she met me. He's tall and muscular and even when we were dating they were friends and talking to each other.

 

I spent the whole day in tears over her.... and I never cry... about anything (except maybe the lion king).

 

Sorry this was so long, I think i just needed to vent. I just don't understand what happened. I loved her, i still do. I thought she loved me. How could she move on so easily. And how do i compete? I can't compete with some 6 foot, muscular guy who happens to be nice as well. I even said when she'd broken up with me that she was going to go running to him and she said she promised she wouldn't... yeah, clearly not.

 

I just don't know what to do. I've never, ever felt any pain like this before. I was choking back tears as i talked to my dad on the phone. First time i think he's heard me cry since I was a kid. I just feel empty, broken. It's been 6 months. How much more of this do I have to take?

 

Thanks to anyone who read this.

[oldshirt]

I'm 48 years old and have been through what you are going through many many times. There is no other way to put this other than this - breaking up is painfull, it sucks, it hurts, it's depressing and the worst part is it makes second-guess and doubt your own worth as person and as a man (and as a woman for the ladies)

 

That is the bad news.

 

The better news is that you will survive and you will move on and with each new relationship you learn more and more about how relationships work and you learn more about yourself and you learn more coping skills and know how to adapt and move on better with each relationship.

 

The good news is this sounded like a good relationship for you. It showed you what is out there and what there is that can be experienced. It also showed you that you CAN do it and that you are capable of having a good relationship with a lady that meets your fancy. You did learn a lot from it and experienced a wide gamut of highs and lows.

 

Unfortunately this particular lady did not work out in the long run and probably 99% of people that meet in their teens and early don't last that long. People are just too unstable and there are too many other options to explore out there for them to be too bogged down with one person for the rest of their lives. a 20 year lady breaking up with a guy is 120% perfectly normal, natural and probably even the right course of action.

 

Even though it is painfull now, it is far far better to have a fun dating experience for a handfull of months and move on while there is no committment, no mortgage, no car payments and especially NO KIDS than to get caught up with the rush of feelings and passion and romance and do something dumb like get married and have kids at 21.

 

This hurts now but now you are a free man and are free to associate with and date whoever you want whenever you want. You can hit on drunk girls in bars and at parties. you can meet them at church socials. You can run around in groups and have your friends introduce you to new people and set you up with girls you haven't met yet.

 

The best way to heal and get over this is to MOVE ON YOURSELF!. Don't sit around moping by yourself and making yourself miserable by stewing on what you lost. Instead embrace life and all it has to offer by getting out and doing fun things with fun people.

 

Call up old friends you haven't seen in awhile. hit the gym and burn off some frustration (new muscles on yourself won't hurt anything either) get a new wardrobe and a new style. Take up some new hobbies and get back into some old ones that you haven't done in awhile. Get out and have fun.... BE FUN!!!

 

Then when you are no longer all mopey-dopey and are doing fun things with fun people and being a fun person guess what? Some other nice young lady is going to take notice and will want to be a part of that fun lifesyle:D

 

That is what moving on is my friend.

[Sebastian76]

I am sorry to hear about your suffering. It is tough, always is!

 

But remember one thing, and that is to live your life. You only have one and you are only 20 this one time, so make the best of it. There are loads of other gorgeous girls that you only get this one chance to get to know and undress. Don't waste it feeling sorry for yourself for too long. Once you start having other girls in your life some of the pain you feel will evaporate.

 

The pain we feel when getting dumped is composed of several things. One is loneliness, which can be solved with many different girls. Another one is the feeling of low self esteem, which can be solved with many different girls. A third is the longing and love for a specific person of course. But it is very easy to misinterpret which feelings that comes from which place, so sometimes we mistake loneliness with love for a certain person. I know that once I am dating girls and have things going for me, the ex starts to loose power over my thoughts and happiness.

 

Best of luck,

 

-- Seb

[LeoNguyen]

Greyworld,

 

If you haven't felt pain, you haven't felt love.

 

You don't need to deny the pain that's there.

 

It's real and it helps you to become the man you've always wanted to be.

 

If it was too easy, you wouldn't grow as a person.

 

It even created a new relationship with your dad. You said he heard you cry on the phone for the first time since you were a kid. He now sees you, not only as his son, as a man...

 

Because you have much a greater depth than he ever realized.

 

Because you're not afraid to show how vulnerable you can be.

 

Most guys don't do that.

 

But don't stop here.

 

If you stay in this pain, you're not taking advantage of this opportunity to live your life and grow even more as a man.

 

Have faith in yourself that everything will work out just fine. Because it will.

 

And forget about the 6 feet tall guy.

 

You know damn right that he'll never care for her like you can.

 

You've got a lot to give to a woman.

 

And it's a good experience for her in the long run.

 

Sometimes, a person can't appreciate love until they've lost it.

 

It's a lesson she has to learn eventually.

Edited September 2, 2012 by LeoNguyen

[Chi townD]

The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. So what if your not 6 foot+ and don't live in a gym. You can be a shorter guy with a nice toned body and still pull chicks. But, it doesn't matter what you look like (unless you never shower, never wash your clothes and a beer gut that could take gold if it was an olympic event) it's about personality, sense of humor and confidence. Girls love to hang around guys with those equalities.

 

You need to start going to the gym yourself. Push weight and run your ass off on the treadmill. Great way to get in shape and work off all of your stress and frustrations. You need to get a new hairstyle. One that people will notice and like on you. Then, you need to get a new wardrobe. Be styling and profiling all the time. Take pride in your appearence. if you haven't finished your Bachelor's, do it! It will help you out to get a better paying job. If you have a Bachelors, then get your Masters. Get yourself set up with a nice car and a nice townehome in a good neighborhood.

 

Finally, TRAVEL!!!! There's a big world out there! Go see it! You'll meet some great people along the way. I KNOW that there's a place that you've always wanted to go to. Save up and GO!!! Drag a friend along with you!!! Have an adventure! May it be deep sea fishing in the Bahamas, or skiing in Colorado! GO!!!

[greyworld]

Haha thnks guys, tht helped. And to the last guy, I look just like Justin bieber. I swear no matter what I do to my hair/body I cnt change that lol. Doesn't exactly help with getting girls...

[Dante1507]

Dude, I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same position right now like you. I'm 19 myself, and from the beginning my ex and I just clicked, as you put it, and it was a perfect relationship like none other. She dumped me 3 weeks ago, and 1 day later she got together with her ex.

It hurts, hurts like hell, I know. You feel lonely, you feel desperate, you feel incomplete in a way. Like an important piece of you that you had taken for granted suddenly went missing, and has been replaced by constant pain. You start wondering how you made it go bad.

You spend your time looking for the logical explanation. Well, let me tell you, having heard it from a lot of people myself, sometimes - there isn't one. It sucks. You need answers, as do I, but there is a very good chance that we will never get them. Part of getting over is accepting the fact that you may never know the real reasons.

The other guys who replied do have a point, you should try new things, though distractions ( like hitting a gym, travelling etc. ) are exactly that - distractions. While you are doing all those things, you will feel better, but when you are done with your activities and are home getting ready to go to bed, or wake up alone in the morning, you will see that the pain will not have gone. It has just been hiding.

Now something you don't want to hear. In my opinion, you have to deal with and feel your pain in it's fullest force in order to overcome it ( become resistant to it, if you will ). If you try to hide from it by distracting yourself, it will only get you so far.

Don't get me wrong, you should try new things. Hit the gym, learn to play an instrument, flirt with other girls, it will make you feel less lonely, up to a point. These things, combined with your sorrow when you are home alone will eventually make you recover, and get stronger than before.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Dante1507

[greyworld]

Dude, I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same position right now like you. I'm 19 myself, and from the beginning my ex and I just clicked, as you put it, and it was a perfect relationship like none other. She dumped me 3 weeks ago, and 1 day later she got together with her ex.

It hurts, hurts like hell, I know. You feel lonely, you feel desperate, you feel incomplete in a way. Like an important piece of you that you had taken for granted suddenly went missing, and has been replaced by constant pain. You start wondering how you made it go bad.

You spend your time looking for the logical explanation. Well, let me tell you, having heard it from a lot of people myself, sometimes - there isn't one. It sucks. You need answers, as do I, but there is a very good chance that we will never get them. Part of getting over is accepting the fact that you may never know the real reasons.

The other guys who replied do have a point, you should try new things, though distractions ( like hitting a gym, travelling etc. ) are exactly that - distractions. While you are doing all those things, you will feel better, but when you are done with your activities and are home getting ready to go to bed, or wake up alone in the morning, you will see that the pain will not have gone. It has just been hiding.

Now something you don't want to hear. In my opinion, you have to deal with and feel your pain in it's fullest force in order to overcome it ( become resistant to it, if you will ). If you try to hide from it by distracting yourself, it will only get you so far.

Don't get me wrong, you should try new things. Hit the gym, learn to play an instrument, flirt with other girls, it will make you feel less lonely, up to a point. These things, combined with your sorrow when you are home alone will eventually make you recover, and get stronger than before.

 

Damn dude, one day later!? Man, that's rough. I'm sorry. I know. I've technically already been through it. I mean, when we broke up 6 months ago, I got a lot better 3 or 4 months down the road. I took part in all those distractions, I still go to the gym etc etc... and it helped. 5 or so months down, I still thought about her everyday, but it was a more a passing thing. I didn't want her back or anything and i honestly thought if I saw her with another guy i'd be OK. But then i saw her with not only a guy, but that EXACT guy i always felt threatened by in our relationship and worried she'd get with. And it just all came rushing back, now its just even worse than it was at the beginning. Guess i wasn't over her after all.

 

I even hooked up with some girl in town a few months back. Sure, it was great in the moment. But a few days later I felt even emptier than I had before hooking up with some random.

 

Anyway, sorry to hear about what happened to you. I always think I have a bad situation, but then i can't really complain when there's people that break up after 5 years or something. If 10 months is this bad I don't even want to imagine what a break-up after something like 5, or even 2 years, feels like.

[greyworld]

Jesus, it's getting worse. All I can think about is them having sex and it kills me. And doing all the things we used to do. It would be easier if her new bf wasn't just so damn perfect. Tall, muscular and the nicest guy ever. I mean, how do I compete with that? Do i just have to settle with someone worse than my ex? Cose even if I did find better, as soon as another guy like this guy strolls in, I'm screwed all over again.

 

Possibly even worse is that it feels like she never actually loved me. When u love someone it can't just disappear in 3 days. It wasn't even the first time she had broken up with me. She had broken up with me two times before, each time onli lasting about 2 days before she wanted to get back together. I Guess I should have seen it coming.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm ina tiny tOwn studying where the chances of running into her are super high, away from all my close friends and family. It's all just so depressing....

[Conzy]

Jesus, it's getting worse. All I can think about is them having sex and it kills me. And doing all the things we used to do. It would be easier if her new bf wasn't just so damn perfect. Tall, muscular and the nicest guy ever. I mean, how do I compete with that? Do i just have to settle with someone worse than my ex? Cose even if I did find better, as soon as another guy like this guy strolls in, I'm screwed all over again.

 

The hardest thing is accepting that she's now gone buddy. It's out of your reach, you've just gotta bite the bullet and carry on with your life now. Try not to dwell on them/her, focus on yourself. Strict NC will help a bunch. Judging by what you said you aren't happy with how you look? Why not get down the gym, put on some muscle, meet new people. Will make you feel better, look better, you'll be much more confident too

 

Take care

[greyworld]

The hardest thing is accepting that she's now gone buddy. It's out of your reach, you've just gotta bite the bullet and carry on with your life now. Try not to dwell on them/her, focus on yourself. Strict NC will help a bunch. Judging by what you said you aren't happy with how you look? Why not get down the gym, put on some muscle, meet new people. Will make you feel better, look better, you'll be much more confident too

 

Take care

 

Tbh, I never was really too self conscious about the way I looked, but she made me feel less secure and attractive in how she would always tell me she wished I was bigger. I go to the gym quite a bit, have been going for about 11 months nw. But it's reali hard for me to gai weight and muscle.

Not to mention I have a small bone structure and a baby face...

[Gab09]

Hey Greyworld, it's scary to think that after so long of breaking up you are still feeling pain.

 

I can't imagine and I feel for you bro, I'm in a way worst position.

 

I will be posting my story just to try and vent with what I'm going through but just like you said.. You feel bad after a relationship of months ended?

 

Try 5 years like mine.. :/

 

Hopefully my story will give you some comfort and try to make you understand that it all isn't that bad.

[greyworld]

Hey Greyworld, it's scary to think that after so long of breaking up you are still feeling pain.

 

I can't imagine and I feel for you bro, I'm in a way worst position.

 

I will be posting my story just to try and vent with what I'm going through but just like you said.. You feel bad after a relationship of months ended?

 

Try 5 years like mine.. :/

 

Hopefully my story will give you some comfort and try to make you understand that it all isn't that bad.

 

That's really rough man, I'm sorry. I was just looking at some really old threads and found one about how some girls have a "love addiction". The exact words were:

 

It sounds like she could have a love addiction. Basically, these people crave the coke high that infatuation and new love delivers in the first year or two: tingles, excitement, adrenaline, feeling "alive" and buzzy, head over heels, etc. Once this dies they simply drop everything and walk away - grumbling about a "lack of chemistry" and "no spark" - off to find their next fix. The things to watch out for are a history of 1-2 year relationships that all ended for no justified reason aside from the fact that the "spark" was lost. There is also a very selfish personality underlying these love junkies. They are just using you for a fix. Part of that fix involves conjuring the impression of a powerful connection through quick and false means rather than doing the groundwork of building up real trust and comfort and reliability in a relationship. So look out for high-sounding, phony talk about the one-of-a-kind "love" and "connection" you two have that doesn't ring quite true, as if neither of you have earnt it.

 

This sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Her previous boyfriend only lasted about 6 months and she broke up with him, citing reason like just not being love anymore. 4 months later, she gets me. 10 months later, i get the same treatment, and then 2-3 months after that, she's with a new guy. Guess I shouldn't be surprised at all. What sucks the most is how i treated her. I literally treated her like a princess, ALWAYS (i actually do mean 100% of the time) paid for dinner, would tell her how beautiful she was every day, would always make her laugh - and then just dumped.. nothing. ****ing sucks.

[SadPanda22]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, your post made me cry. I apologize that I really don't have any advice to add, the previous posters have that covered, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

 

I was with my ex for 8 years. We met when I was 18. He was my first and only boyfriend, he was my first everything. I honestly thought that I was going to marry him, have a house with him, have children with him....grow old with him.

 

Well about 5 months ago he broke up with me. He just tossed me aside like I was piece of trash. I didn't even get an explanation. I am pretty sure there are still pieces of my heart on the bottom of his shoe (okay, that was super dramatic, but you get the picture).

 

If I can make it through that, you can make it through your situation. You sound like an awesome guy. When you are ready, you will have no problem meeting someone who will appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.

[greyworld]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, your post made me cry. I apologize that I really don't have any advice to add, the previous posters have that covered, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

 

I was with my ex for 8 years. We met when I was 18. He was my first and only boyfriend, he was my first everything. I honestly thought that I was going to marry him, have a house with him, have children with him....grow old with him.

 

Well about 5 months ago he broke up with me. He just tossed me aside like I was piece of trash. I didn't even get an explanation. I am pretty sure there are still pieces of my heart on the bottom of his shoe (okay, that was super dramatic, but you get the picture).

 

If I can make it through that, you can make it through your situation. You sound like an awesome guy. When you are ready, you will have no problem meeting someone who will appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are.

 

8 years?? Wow. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain that must be. I'm so sorry . I think it makes easier for me knowing she probably never really did love me. I think she thought she did, but I don't think she really knows what love is. When I look back now, it does feel like I was always putting more into the relationship.

[Mint Sauce]

she would always tell me she wished I was bigger

 

If that was more than once, and not followed with "but I love you with all my heart nonetheless, and I couldn't think about being with anyone else", then that's very wrong. If you love someone, you don't attack their self confidence.

 

In any case: don't let it get you down: plenty of girls who don't like the big guys!

Edited September 4, 2012 by Mint Sauce

[Sebastian76]

What sucks the most is how i treated her. I literally treated her like a princess, ALWAYS (i actually do mean 100% of the time) paid for dinner, would tell her how beautiful she was every day, would always make her laugh - and then just dumped.. nothing. ****ing sucks.

 

 

Sounds like you should read "nomoremisterniceguy". It's out there in a digital versions, do a Google search asap.

 

This forum is heavily overrepresented with genuinely nice guys that treated their exes like princesses and got dumped flat, thrown out like a used tampax.

The thing is women don't like to be put on a throne. They need to be the ones fighting for your validation, not the other way round. Most women deny this of course but it is absolutely true. They THINK they want a sweet nice guy, but most often they'll loose attraction after a while, without even understanding why.

 

So let this be an important lesson for you on how to act in a relationship, because if try to treat the next one even nicer, you'll get dumped even faster. That does not translate into being a douche, but you need to find the balance. The mentality is a bit like "I don't want to go to a club that wants me in there".

 

Seems like this girl really put doubts into what you must look like to be considered attractive to girls. First of all, there is no one size fits all. You can not be everything to all people. Tall guys with muscular bodies get dumped as well in favor of more intelligent men with a better sense of humor or what not.

 

She probably loved you as a person, but was attracted to these muscular guys at the same time. She is young, curious and wants to try all life has to offer, so honestly it is not all that surprising and not something you should torment yourself over, since it has got nothing to do with you as a person. It could easily have been the other way round. And try to accept that nothing she does with her new guy has anything to do with you. She is not yours anymore so is free to enjoy her life as much as possible. I know it is painful to think that an ex can enjoy her life without you, but that is just pride and insecurity screwing with you. You will enjoy life too my friend, but as long as you cling on to hope that she will come back, you will find it really hard to move on.

 

So you need to stop focusing on all the things you are not because you really need to be with somebody who is into you for whom you are. One of the most attractive things to women is a guy who is confident in who he is. So try to be true to yourself. Of course it is important to stay a little fit, be well dressed and groomed, but also devote time to your hobbies, read books, go to art galleries, exhibitions, concerts etc. In other words have an interesting life and thereby "be interesting".

[greyworld]

So.... update - I asked a really cute girl out for a drink in the library today. (Who knew a library was a good place to hit on girls) First time I've ever asked anyone out. She said yes.

 

Funnily enough, I don't think this is a rebound thing. I'm not trying to rebound. As soon as I talked to her its lyk a switch went on in my head and i realised not all girls were the same. Not only that, but suddenly, and i literally mean in just a heartbeat, i suddenly find my ex so much less attractive. all her negative attributes just suddenly rose to the surface out of nowhere - her trust issues, all that time she spent putting me down. I saw a picture of her with her new bf just know. THis morning it would have made me have a mini panic attack. THis time, I just felt bad for her. She looked so sad... so... damaged. It was weird.

 

Thought I'd share

[Dante1507]

Wow dude, that's great, I'm glad you're starting to recover. Just don't allow yourself to get carried away and immediately fall in love with this new girl. Let it be pleasant and nice and see how it goes, hopefully you will have a nice time with her. And an even nicer time getting over your ex ; )

[rjl3wy]

Hey Grey glad to see u asked a girl out. Step in the right direction.

 

I just want to comment on your thing about physical appearances. I'm 6"3, muscular and I've been told I'm a real good looking guy. I'm going thru a breakup at the moment, dated girl for 2 years, I was her first for everything and she just ended it one day I've I've been broken and lost since. And all through the relationship we worked together at a bar and I wa salsas jealous of this other bouncer. I couldn't tell u why but I was. Well guess who she started seeing like a week after we broke up... So I know the feeling of her being with the only person u dread. It sucks man.

 

But as for gym stuff, I cant tell u how many times I've heard I'm short and skinny and can't put on muscle. Yes you can. To be honest short ppl have an easier time putting on weight. The biggest thing is eating. To out on size u need to eat eat eat. Make sure your getting like 1 gram of protein per lb of body weight and 1-1.5 grams of carbs per lb of body weight. Hit the gym hard and lift heavy. Focus on compound movements like squats, presses, rows and deadlifts.

 

Bodybuilding.com - Huge Online Supplement Store & Fitness Community!

 

This site was my bread and butter for putting size. Has everything u need from nutrition articles, supplements to exercises videos and groups.

 

Anyways hope that helps u with the physical aspect. But my point was I'm 6"3 muscular and my chick didn't want me. Ironically she dumped me for a short guy so hope that makes u feel better. And plus... U said u look like Justin beiber... Take a second and think of how many girls in the world think Justin is the hottest person around... Hmmmm?