I don't love him anymore

[Sauron]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Why do you think your Husband was cheating and hiring hookers, the porn is a man thing. Was your sex life suffering? Did you lose intimacy and a connection? Did he just decide he needed an adventure you think? What is you and your husband's general age range?

[so_difficult]

OP your story is so much like my own, except that I did not have an affair but I could well imagine doing so being in your position. The difference is, here I am 14 years later still married thinking "why the heck did I ever go back?" It would have been so much easier to have left then, and it would have given us all 14 more years to heal. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, if that's really what you want to do, but if the guy's been with hookers and having affairs – basically carrying on a secret life, like mine did – you're moving a mountain to get him to change. We're not talking a one-time occurrence here; we're talking a total way of life for him, and a choice he's made over and over and over again.

 

What really got me was earlier you said you felt "relief" when you thought about not being with him. I remember having that feeling and wish to God I'd acted on it then.

 

And @ Sauron My husband apparently decided that once I became "wife" (although at the time we were living together and not yet married) I could no longer really be "lover" -- this came out in MC. I was quite beautiful, had a good sex drive and was willing to do just about anything to turn him on, but his classification of me had changed. If I wore sexy lingerie and gave him an erotic massage, for example, he'd say I was pressuring him. I even (not knowing at the time he actually was paying for sex with other people) suggested he "pay" me and get me to do what he wanted, and he said that was "stupid". Our sex life dwindled to practically nothing and I had to make a choice that to be with him meant little sex -- a choice I made, without going to anyone else to have my needs met. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Isn't hindsight always 20/20?

[Steadfast]

I think (simplifying it to an absolutely idiot-level degree) it's to do with women put their all, and then give up, men make less effort, then put in their all.

 

That's probably the level needed for me Tara. I've been looking for more understanding concerning this for years. Thanks for providing it.

 

And @ Sauron My husband apparently decided that once I became "wife" I could no longer really be "lover" -- this came out in MC. I was quite beautiful, had a good sex drive and was willing to do just about anything to turn him on, but his classification of me had changed.

 

A wise person once explained many men never get over their mothers, and secretly look for a woman to fill that void when older. They see the wife as someone there to support and pamper them. Not as lovers. It might help explain the lack of interest. This, in turn is why many women say men don't 'get it'. Well, they get it, but 'it' isn't what they want. Or, isn't what they think they want. They're shocked to the core when it's gone though.

 

If I wore sexy lingerie and gave him an erotic massage, for example, he'd say I was pressuring him. I even (not knowing at the time he actually was paying for sex with other people) suggested he "pay" me and get me to do what he wanted, and he said that was "stupid". Our sex life dwindled to practically nothing and I had to make a choice that to be with him meant little sex -- a choice I made, without going to anyone else to have my needs met. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Isn't hindsight always 20/20?

 

Disagree. The OP's choices are not to be envied. And while your unmet desires continue to be a point of negative discussion, it's better than living the life of a cheater, IMO. Never apologize for strong character...even at the expense of something else of value. I'm sure you're still beautiful too.

[so_difficult]

Disagree. The OP's choices are not to be envied. And while your unmet desires continue to be a point of negative discussion, it's better than living the life of a cheater, IMO. Never apologize for strong character...even at the expense of something else of value. I'm sure you're still beautiful too.

 

Oh goodness, I didn't mean I should have had my needs met at the time! I meant I should have figured out not to stay!

 

And thank you for the compliment

[GuyInLimbo]

Sorry, but someone who actually loves you would not have carried out multiple affairs spanning your entire relationship (and, really, where does one administer a polygraph?) Anyway, I'm a skeptic about anything faith-based. You guys remember Ted Haggard, right? Yeah, he was cured.... right. It's a bunch of bunk in my eyes. As are these programs that supposedly rescue men from porn, etc. It may change him for a while, but he'll go back. he is who he is.

 

Cut your losses now and move on.

[Grich283]

Sorry, but someone who actually loves you would not have carried out multiple affairs spanning your entire relationship (and, really, where does one administer a polygraph?) Anyway, I'm a skeptic about anything faith-based. You guys remember Ted Haggard, right? Yeah, he was cured.... right. It's a bunch of bunk in my eyes. As are these programs that supposedly rescue men from porn, etc. It may change him for a while, but he'll go back. he is who he is.

 

Cut your losses now and move on.

 

Very generalized and not entirely true. Every person is different.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm gonna say that only you can truly decide what is right and how much you can handle. Reconcilliation is going to be extremely hard and will take years, but I'm betting you care so much for your family that you are willing to try and rebuild that love. Am I right? I'd say do your best and if it all ends in flames you won't regret it, you'll know that you tried. If you end up with that marriage that's "better than before" you'll also be glad you tried. I'd also recommend not being a doormat though! Keep an eye on that guy...cheaters are so prone to deception and if he has been doing this for 9 years...ugh...chances of a regression are fairly high I'd guess. They also often only tell as much as they have to about the past. Hopefully he's pulling his weight. Marriage definitely takes two.

 

Two books I'd recommend are "His Needs Her Needs"

and "Hold Me Tight". Hold Me Tight has a great section on forgiveness and apologies.

 

Good luck

[LarriveeLover]

I've decided to go ahead and work on it with him for six months and if I don't fall back in love with him, then it's over. I at least want to try. I also found a really helpful article online here Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2) and it talks about the withdrawal that a person can experience from cutting things off with the affair partner. I think I am in withdrawal mode right now. I am hoping that once I am over my "old flame", my feelings for my husband will return. I have the will power to leave the other guy alone for life because he was no good for me anyways. He just filled my emotional needs during the trauma of finding out about my husband and thinking I was going to divorce him. Now that those needs aren't being filled by anyone, I feel horrible and lonely. But, I think this will all pass. Thanks for all the advice. You all haven been so very helpful.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

The only reason I was able to sleep with the other guy was because I was hurting and, at the time, I knew I was going to get a divorce and I needed the other guy to comfort me.

 

 

Forgive me if I sound harsh. I tried and there is no easy way to say this. But think hard about what you wrote above. I bet you that nearly 100% of the women in the world would think that what you wrote is perfectly reasonable.

 

You offer a very good reason for cheating. After all, you may have been married, but "he did it first" and "I needed comfort"

 

This is at the heart and soul of just about all the problems between men and women. This strange double standard when it comes to cheating. It has been around for so long and is so pervasive and men have just stopped asking questions. If you think your wife is cheating - she probably is. So just do it yourself.

 

My best advice is to NEVER get back with him. I have a huge list of red flag reasons why it is bad for you and for him.

 

- The religion thing is a disgusting plague that will twist everything in your relationship for the rest of your life

- He cheated and you seem completely oblivious to his reasons for cheating. Why did he do this? Is there ANY reason you would find acceptable? (I doubt it. Only women have acceptable reasons for cheating)

- If you do not change, he will cheat again.

- You cheated on him and so breezily offered reasons for it.Not one respondent so far has called you on it because it is socially acceptable for women to do what they please as long as they are upset enough.

 

Let him be free. He is lost and you will chew this poor man up and ruin both of your lives in the process.

 

Be a decent human being and break it off.